


Stanswap- A Gravity Falls AU

by OrangeOctopi7



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Gravity Falls AU, I started writing this before the series was finished, I try to be funny and sometimes succeed, It's loooooong but I'm almost done, Portal Variation, Reverse Portal AU, Some Fluff, Some Stangst, Sort of a retelling of the series, Stanswap AU, so some stuff in the early chapters might not align with canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-02 23:44:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 142,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15806976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeOctopi7/pseuds/OrangeOctopi7
Summary: What if Stanley had been the one lost to the portal, and Stanford was left behind, trying to bring him back? Ford's task is only complicated by the demons of his past, both figurative and literal. In time Ford will find help from new friends and family, but when he does bring his brother home, will Stanley be the same?





	1. Newton's 3rd Law

**Author's Note:**

> Look who finally got an AO3 account! I will continue to update on tumblr and fanfiction.net as well, I'm just trying to reach a wider audience.

With a shove, Stanford was airborne. The gravity anomalies had started. He was drifting towards the portal, out of control.

“Stanley! Stanley, help me!” Ford cried in a panic.

Stanley jumped up, grabbing his brother, but getting himself caught up in the gravity anomaly in the process. Ford knew in a millisecond that it was hopeless. The momentum of Stan’s jump had only served to propel them towards the portal faster, and put a spin on their weightless motion. But then something happened that he hadn’t expected. Stan pushed him away from the portal. Newton’s Third Law dictated that an equal and opposite law pushed back on Stan.

Right into the portal.

“Stanford, wha’do I--” His brother’s cry was cut off in a flash of light. An explosion rang out from the portal, throwing Ford to the ground. He got up almost immediately, whipping around to face the portal.

“Stanley…” He said hoarsely. He knew it was no good to call out. The portal had gone dark. “No… no, what have I done?” He whispered, voice shaking almost as badly as his body.

Stanley couldn’t be gone, not like this! All those years Ford had been trying to bury the guilt of being the ‘favorite child’, the ‘good son’. All those years holding a grudge over a moment of betrayal. He’d felt guilty about that too. Maybe things would have been different if he’d tried to talk some sense into his father that night. Or maybe that just would have gotten them _both_ thrown out. Maybe _that_ would have been better too.

Stanley was gone again, and it was Ford’s fault.

He shot up from his self-pity. There was still hope, but the longer he waited, the slimmer the chances of Stan’s survival. Ford ran to the controls, checking the settings at the time of the event. He wrote down the conditions and parameters exactly in the first volume of the journal. He’d have to find another way to hide it _after_ he brought Stan back.

Recalibrating the position of the transdimensional vortex would take time. But first things first: he would have to get more fuel.

* * *

 

 

The warehouse where Ford stored extra fuel for the portal was, out of necessity, a long way from his house. It wasn’t a good idea to keep radioactive waste close to where one slept. Not that Ford slept much anymore.

He was lucky to have Stan’s car. Normally he’d have to hire someone to shuttle fuel for him. He was quite sure he couldn’t pay _anyone_ enough to transport toxic waste in this blizzard. Visibility was nil, and the winds were strong enough that he had trouble keeping the car going in a straight line.

By some miracle Ford reached the warehouse. He pulled the car up as close to the doors as he could. No need to spend any more time than necessary in that freezing wind. He briefly regretted setting so many locks on the door.

The inside of the building was as dark and cold as the outside, but at least the wind was gone. Ford grabbed a trolley, loaded on a few barrels of fuel, and wheeled it around to the door.

Only someone was standing in his way.

Ford felt his insides knot up. In his haste he’d forgotten his usual triple-check of the perimeter. Of course the one time he threw caution to the wind, he came to regret it in just a few minutes.

“We knew you’d have to come back here for more fuel sometime.” The tall figure blocking the door said. He was draped in a long red robe, with an X-ed out eye emblazoned on the hood that covered his face.

“I don’t have time for the Blind Eye tonight! Step aside!” Ford yelled with a bravado that masked his terror. They’d finally cornered him. He’d messed up and they’d finally cornered him _at the worst possible time!_

Three more robed figures stepped into the light pouring through the doorway. Had they been hiding here the whole time? How had they gotten in!?

The Society of the Blind Eye removed their hoods. To his left, Stanford saw a face he recognized. The trucker he’d payed to transport the last shipment.

“Great. _This_ is why I don’t trust people!” the cornered scientist muttered under his breath.

But wait. There should have been another face he recognized. Where was…

“Please Stanford, listen to reason.” A shaky but familiar voice said behind him. Ford turned to see Fiddleford McGucket standing with a memory erasing device pointed straight at him. His old friend looked terrible. His hair was disheveled, his face unshaven, and his eyes unfocused.

“Fiddleford, listen to me, I _need_ \--”

“No, _you_ listen to _me_!” Fiddleford snapped suddenly, “That portal will spell the end for Gravity Falls, Oregon, the United States, the entire _world_! You _need_ to forget about it!” the crazed engineer’s voice softened. “You will feel so much better afterwards. No more nightmares, no more monsters.”

“Fiddleford, I _can’t_! Not _now_!” Stanford pleaded.

“Look at what it’s doing to you Stanford!” McGucket cried. Ford took inventory of himself and found he didn’t look any better than his old friend.

“I know! I know you were right about the portal, but _I can’t shut it down now_! Not until Stan’s safe!”

The members of the Blind Eye stared at him like he was speaking another language.

“It really has driven him mad.” The tall man blocking the door said. “Sir, I say we take him now.”

“Ivan, I don’t--” Fiddleford started.

“He’s proven in the past that he won’t listen to reason. If what you say is true, it will only get more dangerous. We’ll remove the memories, by _force_ if we have to.”

Ford didn’t wait for them to mull it over. He knew where this was going. He had to get out of there, _now_. He swung a punch at Ivan, socking him right in the eye. The tall man gasped and held his face, but managed to stay standing, blocking Stanford’s only exit. He wasn’t about to let that stop him. Using the heavy trolley like a battering ram, Ford charged right over the cultist. The momentum of the trolley kept it going over the icy ground outside, until it barreled into the side of Stan’s car. The force of the crash jolted Ford, causing him to slip on the ice as well.

When Ford tried to get up, he found a foot pinning him to the ground.

“I’m sorry I have to do this, Stanford.” Fiddleford said grimly, leaning down to fire the device into Ford’s face. Stanford didn’t hesitate to lash out at him. All those years of boxing lessons hadn’t been for nothing after all.

The two of them fought like wild dogs, both fueled by desperation. The fight finally stopped with a flash of light. Fiddleford stood up, while Ford lied on the cold wet ground, shaking.

“Better erase the Journals too, just to be safe.” McGucket said, turning the dial on the memory device.

“No, please!” Ford yelled before another flash of light enveloped him. He trembled and curled into the fetal position, letting out a low moan.

“Take him home.” Fiddleford ordered the members of the Blind Eye. “His mind should settle back down by morning.”

As they tried to pick the grown man up out of the snow, Ford sat bolt up.

“Stanley! What did I-- what did _you_ do!?” He sobbed. “He-he’s _gone_ , and I don’t know how… or… or why, but I know he’s gone and I… I don’t know… what can I do? _What did you do_!?”

They dragged him into the car and drove back to Stanford’s house, trying their best not to let his crazed ramblings bother them

It was just something they’d have to forget later.

 

* * *

 

Stanford woke up with a start in Stan’s car the next morning, cold and damp. His mind was groggy, but he knew something was very, very wrong.

Stanley! Stanley had come and something terrible had happened to him! Ford waited for his mind to wake up so he could put together his foggy memories and remember what happened. Only it didn’t. The memories stayed foggy. If anything, they only got foggier. He looked around. The car was parked in front of his house. The door appeared to still be locked. Several footprints led away from the car and into the woods. What had happened last night!?

Ford’s stomach knotted. What if Bill had… no, that was impossible, if Bill had possessed him then… then… what… what was Bill trying to do again?

Ford staggered out of the car and up the steps to the door, fumbling with the locks. This was disconcerting. Large chunks of his memory were missing. What could have done that? Whatever it was, he was certain it had to do with his brother’s disappearance.

 _Had_ Stanley disappeared? He remembered asking Stan to come, heaven knows _why,_ and sure enough, Stanley came. That much he remembered. But after that, it was all a blank. Stan’s car was still here, maybe he was just out.

The pit of fear and guilt in Stanford’s gut said otherwise. His twin was gone, and he’d had something to do with it.

Stanford walked through his house in a daze when he saw a leather-bound book laying on the floor, as if it had been dropped in a rush. He stared at it curiously. It had a golden outline of his hand on the cover, with a number 1 printed on it. How was that possible? Where had it come from?

And yet as he stared at it, it seemed familiar, almost like a childhood toy found in a forgotten corner of the attic. He opened the book and flipped through the worn, stained pages. It was definitely his handwriting. He stopped when he came to a picture of the bookcase in the den. It detailed some sort of hidden staircase to the basement. Stanford scratched his chin thoughtfully. Was this house even supposed to _have_ a basement?

He followed the book’s instructions, taking him past the bookcase, down some stairs and into an elevator, where he input more codes taking him further below the house. What he finally found was mind-boggling. A high-tech lab, filled with computers and monitoring equipment the likes of which he had never seen. It all seemed to be connected to some room on the other side of some large glass windows. When Ford was done admiring the lab, he looked into the other room

What he saw also seemed familiar, but more like a forgotten childhood terror than childhood toy. It was a giant inverted, obtuse triangle, with a large circle cut out of the middle. Four similar rings stood in front of it, two on the ground and two on the ceiling. Ford looked to the book and found a page that seemed to depict the bottom corner of the machine.

> _Although this is currently just a concept, I believe this portal schematic is feasible. If my research is correct, I could open a gateway into the next dimension and see the origin of these anomalies. This will take caution, of course. Not all the strangeness in Gravity Falls is friendly. I don’t imagine the dimension they come from is any better._

Ford gulped. A portal. Was that it? Was that where Stanley had gone? Into this other dimension of weirdness? It seemed a bit of a leap in logic. This was a hidden lab, how would Stan have even gotten down here?

Then he noticed something. A burnt scrap of fabric lying to the side of the control console. Although it was badly damaged, Ford could still make out the color. A dirty, greasy red, like the coat Stan had been wearing.

Stanford looked around the lab. It had security redundancies upon redundancies. Obviously, whoever had built it, and Ford was growing more and more certain that it was he himself, did not want anyone tampering with it. It might take weeks just to get past those. He looked down at the book he held in his hand. Hastily written in the corner was what appeared to be settings for the portal. This book would be his key to working out how to use it.

He wouldn’t let this guilt gnaw away at him forever. He’d bring his brother back, even if it took a lifetime.


	2. Wistful Thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a certain jerk shows up and explains a few things to Ford in hopes of getting the portal going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter introduces a headcanon I had at the time that turned out to not be canon, but hey, this is an AU, we can make things up.

It quickly became clear, and Ford had suspected this ever since he saw the 1 printed on the cover, that the book was just one volume in a set of journals. Considering one book contained one corner of the portal’s schematic, it would make sense that there were two more. One for each corner. But this was a terrible leap in logic. There could be twenty, for all he knew. So, on top of trying to figure out how to use the portal, he had to find the other Journals.

 

Progress was slow. Getting past the security protocols took weeks, and even then, Ford had no idea how to work the machinery. There was no manual. It all appeared to be custom made. Had he built all this, all by himself?

 

The questions kept mounting up. Most of it was filled with things he already knew. Things he remembered studying, but not writing down. Which was ridiculous, of course he wrote it down. What kind of idiot didn’t take field-notes? What little information there was on the portal was vague, mostly preliminary concepts and theories. Not helpful for figuring out how to work the machine.

 

As weeks turned to months, Ford began to lose hope. He wasn’t making progress with the portal. He was no closer to finding the other journals. He would work for days on end without sleep, and he swore he could hear voices whispering when he was near the portal. Part of him hoped it was a sign that Stan was trying to contact him from the other side. Part of him was terrified that it was just another sign that he was losing his mind. Was that why pieces of his memory were missing? Had he gone completely mad?

 

When he  _ did _ crash and fall asleep, his usual nightmares were now accompanied by the sounds of his brother screaming for help. Sometimes, he’d even  _ see _ Stan, fighting the night terrors, his right shoulder bandaged for some reason. The dreams were consistent enough that Ford wondered if they were some kind of sign. Maybe the dreamscape was acting as a window into the other dimension.

 

Or maybe that was just wistful thinking.

 

The thought that Stanley was, more likely than not, dead, weighed heavily on Stanford’s mind as the months wore on. Even if the portal hadn’t killed him, what were the chances that he’d survived all this time on his own? If this were a police search, they’d have declared the victim ‘presumed dead’ by now. He began to feel hopeless.

 

It only got worse as Ford's grant money began to dry up. He couldn't apply for another grant. Six years and a hundred thousand dollars, yet he had nothing to show for it! Maybe if he'd had the other journals he could have pulled together some sort of article or announced some sort of find that would stir up investors, but as it was, the chances of bringing in more money through the scientific community seemed slim.

 

If his chances of success were so slim, why even try? Was he wasting his time? Should he move on? These were the questions that buzzed through Stanford’s mind when he fell asleep in the basement, in the middle of trying to figure out what the readings on a particular machine meant.

 

This nightmare was different from the others. There were no terrifying visions of monsters he couldn’t hope to fight, no images of burning cities, no screaming voices. Instead, he saw the basement, in grayscale, completely silent.

 

He’d seen this before.

 

In a quick flash of light, a yellow triangle appeared, his other features forming in a second. Single eye, black limbs, black hat and tie. 

 

“HEEEEEY! LONG TIME NO SEE SIXER!” Bill Cipher greeted in his usual jovial, distorted voice.

 

“Bill!” Ford exclaimed, jumping back in fear. He tried to get ahold of himself. He had to put on a brave face if he was going to confront Cipher. “H-How are you here? What do you want?”

 

“HAHA, DREAMSCAPE’S BEEN KINDA BORING LATELY. THOUGHT I’D DROP BY. YOU’RE ALWAYS GOOD FOR A LAUGH.” Bill said casually, floating up to the nervous scientist and looking him over. “WOW, LOOK AT THIS. I SPEND ALL THAT TIME TRYING TO BREAK YOU, AND YOU END UP DOING A BETTER JOB OF IT YOURSELF. GUILT, TRAUMA, DEPRESSION, CONFUSION, DENIAL, I LOVE IT! I GUESS THAT’S WHAT STRANDING YOUR BROTHER IN ANOTHER DIMENSION WILL DO TO YA.”

 

Ford stared at Bill. A realization dawned over him. “You! You did this!”

 

“HA, MUCH AS I’D LOVE TO TAKE CREDIT FOR YOUR MENTAL BREAKDOWN, THIS ONE’S ALL ON YOU AND MACKEREL.”

 

“Then why can’t I remember anything that happened?” 

 

“WHOA BUDDY, YOU’RE OVERESTIMATING MY ABILITIES. I CAN MAKE PEOPLE QUESTION WHAT’S REAL AND WHAT’S NOT, BUT I CAN’T TAKE MEMORIES AWAY. NOT YET ANYWAY.”

 

“If not you, then who? Why else would you be here?  _ What do you want _ ?” Ford demanded again.

 

“GEEZ, YOU SURE ASK A LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOUR BROTHER.”

 

“Stanley!? He… he’s alive?”

 

“YEAH, GO FIGURE! TURNS OUT THAT WARD AGAINST EVIL BURNED ONTO HIM IS REALLY COMING IN HANDY. GUYS LIKE ME CAN’T TOUCH HIM. LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE ACTUALLY DOING HIM A FAVOR WHEN YOU SEARED HALF THE SKIN OFF HIS SHOULDER. WHO’D’VE THUNK?”

 

Stanford looked at the dream demon, confused. “What-- I didn’t--I’d never-- what are you talking about? What burn?”

 

“BOY THAT MEMORY ERASER SURE IS THOROUGH.”

 

“So you  _ did _ have something to do with my missing memories!”

 

“NAH, THAT WAS GOOD OL’ FIDDLESTICKS. SOME PAL, AM I RIGHT? BUT I GOTTA HAND IT TO HIM, THAT SECRET SOCIETY HE STARTED IS GREAT. TALK ABOUT BREWING CHAOS!”

 

“Secret society?” Ford was sure Bill was trying to psych him out. Fiddleford McGucket was a mild-mannered, if exceptionally talented, man. He’d moved to Gravity Falls to help Ford with his research, but left the project once he settled down and had a kid… right?

 

“You--you’re lying! You’ve always lied to me!” He yelled, “I can’t… I can’t even be sure what you say about Stan is true.” He added dejectedly.

 

“C’MON SIXER, I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR TROUBLES IN THE PAST, BUT I WANT WHAT YOU WANT HERE.”

 

“ **I do** **_not_ ** **want what you want!** ” Stanford snapped.

 

“SURE YA DO! WE BOTH WANT THAT PORTAL BACK TO FULLY OPERATIONAL. FOR YOU IT’S YOUR ONLY CHANCE OF SAVING YOUR BROTHER. FOR ME IT’S MY TICKET TO OMNIPOTENCE!”

 

Ford froze. That couldn’t be right. It  _ couldn’t _ be. He  _ refused _ to believe that Bill was telling the truth, because if that was true, bringing back Stanley would mean playing right into Bill’s hands. Again. 

 

Stanford couldn’t do that again.

 

“You’re playing mind-games with me.” He growled.

 

“SURE AM! BUT THE TRUTH IS JUST AS USEFUL AS LIES IN THAT DEPARTMENT. LOOK, IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, CHECK IT OUT YOURSELF. YOU’RE THE WORLD’S FOREMOST EXPERT ON THE DREAMSCAPE, SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HIS DREAMS.”

 

“I-I’ve only ever gone into the mind of someone I was only a few feet from. Stan and I aren’t even on the same  _ planet _ anymore…”

 

“WELL, YOU TWO ARE TWINS. TIME TO SEE IF THERE’S ANYTHING TO ALL THOSE OLD STORIES ABOUT TWIN TELEPATHY.”

 

“Why would I  _ ever _ take your advice?” Ford asked.

 

“CUZ YOU’RE DESPERATE! I KNOW YOU. NOW THAT YOU KNOW IT’S A POSSIBILITY YOU’LL DRIVE YOURSELF EVEN FURTHER OFF THE DEEP END IF YOU DON’T AT LEAST TRY.”

 

Stanford clenched and unclenched his fists in frustration. He knew the demon was right and he hated it.

 

“AND ON THAT NOTE, I’LL TAKE MY LEAVE! GOODLUCKWITHTHEPORTALBEWARETHEBLINDEYEDON’TBUYINTOTHEDOTCOMBUBBLE BYYYYYYYE!”

 

Ford woke with a start. The digital clock on the desk said it was morning. He had his face pressed into the keyboard of what appeared to be a cross between a typewriter and a clothes washer. He ran his fingers through his hair, which was in serious need of a wash, and suppressed a sob. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this anymore. Not if Bill was involved.

 

He looked at his reflection in the round monitor. With the months of neglecting self-care, Stanford now sported a mullet almost as bad as his brother’s had been. His mouth set into a determined line.

 

“Oh who were you kidding, you knew Cipher was involved the whole time.” He reprimanded himself. He got up to eat breakfast and take a shower, for the first time in too long. With what he was planning, he was going to need all the strength he could get.

* * *

  
  


Bill gave a sigh of relief. That was a risky move, tipping his hand to six-fingers like that. But the odds of him abandoning the portal were much higher if he lost hope than if he knew it was part of Bill’s plan, but knew it wasn’t a lost cause. Now it was time to play the waiting game. It wasn’t a game Bill particularly  _ enjoyed _ , but when you were an ageless dream demon, thirty years really wasn’t that bad.

 


	3. Familiar Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford does some magic and finds out how Stan's doing.

The spell Stanford needed was not in the first volume of the Journal. He would have to go by memory. That was just as well, he would have to modify it for this special case anyway. Besides, when dealing with the dreamscape, it was the thought that counted.

 

Modifying the spell was simple enough. Modifying the ritual took a bit more creativity. Normally it called for placing candles around the sleeping form of the individual whose mind you wished to enter, and then placing your hand on their head. Obviously that wasn’t an option here. Ford considered many options for a stand-in for Stanley. A drawing, an old photo, the burnt scrap of his coat. 

 

Then he thought of his reflection that reminded him so much of his brother. The more Ford thought about it, the more appropriate it seemed. The mirror not only provided an effigy of Stan, it also acted as a representation of what he wanted, a window into the other world. It was perfect!

 

And so, by the end of the day, Ford had gathered a ring of candles around a standing mirror. He stood in the center, looking at his reflection. Boy, he looked like a wild man that had been hit by a bus.

 

“Ok…” He said, then took a deep breath, steadying his nerves. This had to work. It  _ had _ to. “Er-herm.  _ I’m Stanley Pines, I like punchin’ things, scarin’ people, and makin’ jokes at inappropriate times! _ ” He didn’t quite buy it. He tried taking off his glasses and flexing his nonexistant muscles in the mirror. Better.

 

Now that he had the image of Stanley, it was time for the spell.  _ “Ostende mihi gemello. Magister mentium. Magnesium ad hominem. Magnum opus. Nullum corpus.  Lactis est bonum. Magister mentium. Magister mentium!  _ **_Magister mentium_ ** _!” _

 

The candles flared blue, and when their light subsided, Ford found himself in a new place. It had worked! He was in Stanley’s subconscious. This was it, definitive proof that his brother was alive! 

 

It was a gargantuan cave, with a sandy floor and driftwood littered everywhere. To his right was the entrance to the cave, where a familiar swingset stood. To his left, an enormous ship lay half-buried in the sand.

 

Suddenly, it clicked. This was the old cave where they’d found the Stan’O’War all those years ago! It was much bigger than in reality, but Stanford supposed this is what it would have seemed like to the ten-year-old Stan.

 

Ford couldn't help but give a sad smile. This memory was so important to Stanley that it had become the basis of his entire subconscious. Ford never would have guessed. 

 

His sad smile quickly changed to a frown. Was that why Stan had been so upset about his brother's favor? But wouldn't that have fulfilled Stan's big dream? Ford shook his head and moved on. There would be time to try and figure out his brother's convoluted psyche later.

 

On the enormous ship, Stanford found doors leading to different parts of Stan's mind. His fears were boarded up, and his hopes were behind a closed door, with only the faintest glow leaking through the cracks. The only readily available passage was labeled 'memories'. Perfect.

 

Ford began walking down the hall of memories. Doors and windows led to different moments. He just had to find one where he could talk to Stanley, make contact with his subconscious. Any memory would do. 

 

Stanford opened a door that looked like it had come out of his own house. He saw himself, standing before the portal, the circle in the center glowing bright blue. Between the memory Stanford and the observing Stanford was Stanley, who was holding his shoulder in pain. The skin was burned bright red, making a strange symbol that Ford almost recognized.

 

“Some brother you turned out to be.” Stan growled.

 

Ford slammed the door shut. Not that memory. He didn’t want to see… no, he couldn’t talk to Stanley in that memory. He’d try another.

 

Further down the hall was a door Ford recognized from their parent’s house in New Jersey. This was more likely to be someplace he could talk.

 

“Hey, it was an accident!” an 18-year-old Stan protested, “But hey, maybe there’s a silver lining--”

 

Ford closed the door with a scowl. Not this memory either.

 

Just a bit further, Ford found a door with bars on the window. Well, it couldn’t be worse than the other two.

 

“Jorje, Rico, you two are the best Colombian prison friends a guy could have.” Stan said cheerfully, placing his arms chummily around the two large, scarred men sitting on either side of him.

 

“Espero que muera.” One said.

 

“Si.” The other agreed.

 

Ford sighed in annoyance. It’d have to do.

 

He stepped into the memory, eyeing the two Colombian prisoners. He imagined a key for the prison bars. He’d rather have something between him and them.

 

“Wha… Stanford!? What the heck are  _ you _ doing here?” Stan asked, clearly flabbergasted.

 

Ford opened the door and pulled his brother out before the two others could react, then shut the bars again behind him.

 

“Aha, yes!” Stan laughed with relief, “I knew you couldn’t forget about me forever! Sorry amigos, but my brother’s finally come to bust me outta here! I’ll write ya both once I get state-side.”

 

“Stan, you’re dreaming.” Ford informed him. He fought the urge to pull his brother into an embrace. It was a dream. It wouldn’t be real.

 

Stan’s face fell. “Well… wouldn’t be the first time.” he said dejectedly.

 

Ford knew he should probably explain what was going on, but his curiosity got the better of him. He had so many questions. “What’s it like? How have you survived this long?”

 

“Eh, well, it’s really not that bad once you get used to it.” Stan shrugged “You just gotta convince them you’re not worth their trouble. Worst part is I’m the only one who doesn't speak a lick of Spanish. But on the plus side, constant companionship and three free meals a day!”

 

Ford facepalmed. “Not prison, you knuckle-head! The other side of the portal!”

 

Stan stared at his brother in confusion, and his expression slowly darkened, like he had just realized something awful.

 

“I’m not…  _ that’s  _ real… oh no… oh sweet Moses…” Stanley suddenly grabbed Ford tightly by the shoulders. “Ford! Are- are you really here!?”

 

“Uh… yes and no.” Stanford stammered, suddenly unsure of how to explain. “I’m projecting my mental self into your mind, across--”

 

“Ford, you gotta get me outta here!” Stan cut him off. “I don’t know how much more I can take! Nothing makes any sense! And there are these crazy…  _ things _ , some of ‘em can talk! One tried to attack me, but when it grabbed me it started  _ burning _ ! So now they all just stand there,  _ staring _ at me…” He trailed off, his voice hollow.

 

Stanford stared at his brother, scared at the panicked and crazed look in his eyes. Stanley had often boasted he wasn’t afraid of anything. This of course wasn’t true, but it was still disturbing to see Stan’s bravado fall away so quickly.

 

“I’m working on bringing you back… it… it just might take time.” Ford tried to reassure his brother. “Stan, I don’t know how much of this you’ll remember when you wake up, but I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m sorry I dragged you into my problems. I shouldn’t have asked you to come.”

 

Stan looked like he was going to say something about that, and Ford waited a second. Nothing.

 

“But I promise,” he continued, “I don’t care how long it takes, I  _ will _ save you. So don’t give up hope.”

 

Stan looked at his brother. He wanted to believe there was hope, but the burn on his back still throbbed with pain, a reminder of all that had gone wrong between the twins.

 

“You never swooped in to save me before.” Stanley said bitterly. 

 

Ford’s stomach twisted with guilt. “I know. I’m sorry.” What else was he supposed to say?

 

“How do I know this is gonna be any different?”

 

“I’m here now, aren’t I?”

 

Stanley continued to stare at his brother, standing there just as he remembered. Perhaps that was because it was a dream. Ford’s face was plastered with regret. That wasn’t normal. Ford never regretted  _ anything _ . Despite all the anger boiling inside him, Stan would do  _ anything _ to take that look off his brother’s face.

 

“You promise not to give up on me, and I won’t give up on you.” Stan finally said, extending a handshake. Ford looked at the handshake apprehensively, a flicker of fear shot across his face. Then it was gone and he had given into the temptation to hug his brother.

 

Dream or not, it felt real enough for now.

 


	4. Property Taxes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford receives a not-so-gentle reminder that he has to adult.

Stanford awoke on the floor, lying next to the mirror, with burnt-out candles surrounding him. That was probably a fire hazard. He should probably do this in a less flammable place than his bedroom next time.

 

The first thing he noticed as he stood up was that he could feel the memories slipping away already. The trip into Stan’s mind was a dream, and like many dreams, the details became more fuzzy the more he woke up. He quickly pulled out the first volume of the Journal and jotted down everything he could remember. He looked at how crowded the pages were. He really needed to start a new journal.

 

After cleaning up, (and by cleaning up, he meant sweeping everything aside into a pile) Ford grabbed his metal detector and mobile LIDAR emitter. He had another long day of Journal hunting ahead of him. 

 

He was about to leave out the back door when the perimeter alarm went off. The hair on the back of his neck prickled with fear, but he couldn't help being annoyed. This  _ would  _ happen today.

 

He traded the equipment for his trusty crossbow. Who or what ever it was, it couldn't be good. Could it be some dangerous creature, attracted by the power of the portal? Spies coming to steal his research for nefarious purposes? Something that had followed him back from the mindscape, trying to trick him into becoming its physical vessel? That secret society Bill had mentioned? A million possibilities rushed through Stanford’s mind, each worse than the last. His heart started racing. He suddenly became hyper-aware of every sound in the house.

 

Whatever it was, he wouldn’t go down without a fight. He peeked through a small hole in the boarded-up windows. There, coming down the dirt driveway, was a sleek, shiny, new, black car. They were making no attempts to hide their approach, which meant one of two things. This was a distraction, or whoever it was thought they could easily overpower him.

 

Well, they thought wrong.

 

Ford stayed at the window, looking around, just in case it  _ was _ a distraction. The car stopped and a well-dressed man stepped out. The man looked around at the barbed wire, ‘keep out’ signs, and general disarray of the property with disdain. He reached into his perfectly tailored suit and pulled out a flyer and a stapler. He proceeded to staple the flier to the door.

 

Ford kicked the door open, knocking the high-class man back. “ _ What do you think you’re doing!? Who sent you? The Soviets? Cipher?”  _ He yelled, pointing his crossbow directly at the man’s face.

 

The man looked up with a mixture of fear and indignation. “I-I-I  _ never _ in my life… do you have any idea who I  _ am _ ?”

 

“No, so you’d better start talking!”

 

“I’m Sterling Northwest! I  _ own _ Northwest Realty, along with the  _ rest of this town _ !” Mr. Northwest said imperiously, as if that actually meant something.

 

“Ha!” Ford barked a bitter, crazed laugh. “You think you phonies intimidate  _ me _ ? I’ve done some digging on your family, I know  _ all _ about you frauds!”

 

Sterling grabbed the crossbow and shoved it out of his face with a strength that belied his posh exterior. “I don’t care what you _ think _ you know. I am under full right of the law to foreclose on this property! You haven’t paid your mortgage in six months! We’ve sent you warning letter after warning letter! Honestly, I was under the impression you’d abandoned the place, or  _ died _ . No one’s seen anyone come in or out of this house since winter!”

 

Oh no… paying the bills had been the  _ last _ thing on Ford’s mind the past few months. He didn’t remember getting any warning notices… but… come to think of it, he hadn’t checked the mail in a while. Had it really been six months?

 

He couldn’t lose the house. That simply wasn’t an option. He still had to figure out that portal so he could save Stan! He still had so many dangerous specimens lying around, things that couldn’t fall into the wrong hands!

 

“However much is due, I’ll pay it all now.” Ford felt around in his pockets for a checkbook, not taking his eyes off the man. “But you can’t foreclose. I  _ need _ this house.”

 

Northwest smirked, dusting himself off. “The payment was due  _ yesterday _ . This eviction notice” He pointed to the flyer he’d stapled to the door, “gives you until the end of the week to move out. But I’m a generous man. Make the payment in full by Friday and you’ll keep the house. You’ll have to come into town and do some paperwork, of course.”

 

Stanford didn’t take his eyes off Sterling Northwest until he had driven out of sight. Something smelled fishy about this. He doubted the high and mighty Northwests did this sort of dirtywork for every foreclosure. Knowing their sordid past, it was likely that they wanted to use his knowledge of the paranormal to tighten their grip on the town. They might even be working for Bill.

 

But that didn’t change the fact that they could take his house away from him, and no amount of blackmail or exposed secrets could stop property taxes. Under different circumstances, maybe he could have moved all his research and equipment into the bunker, and just stayed there. But the bunker was compromised, and the portal… he couldn’t leave that.

 

So Ford checked the balance in his checkbook. There were a few hundred dollars of grant money left. Not nearly enough. So he gathered up anything he could sell. Most of his belongings were things he couldn’t safely let go of. Basically anything relating to the paranormal was out. It was simply too dangerous for the layman, and heaven forbid it fall into the hands of someone who could use it for evil. But electronics were a hot commodity, and he had plenty of circuit boards, tape-readers, and even monitors that he could part with. Hopefully that would be enough.

* * *

  
  


Stanford hadn’t been in town in a long time. He’d tried to make himself look a little less like a homeless person before leaving. Taken a shower, shaved, changed into clothes that he was 65% sure were clean. His hair was still longer than he would have liked though, and his eyes were bloodshot like a drunk. No wonder people gave him odd looks as he passed them in the street. But he was used to people staring. Being born with six fingers will do that.

 

When he reached the electronics store, he plopped down a sampling of circuits and vacuum tubes in front of a distracted looking cashier. “How much can you give me for a whole trunk-full of these?” Stanford asked.

 

The cashier looked up at him with a start. He looked like he’d been through the ringer. His arm was bandaged in a sling, and a bandaid barely concealed a large scrape on his face, which might explain why he hadn’t shaved in a while. On top of all that, it appeared his hair was falling out.

 

“Oh, uh, yes, probably a lot. That looks like some hightly ‘vanced thingama-- I-I mean, they look like highly advanced parts.” The cashier stammered nervously.

 

Stanford stared at the man. There was something familiar about his voice and his large nose.

 

“... Fiddleford? Fiddleford McGucket?”

 

McGucket looked back at him, confused. “Sorry, d-do I know you?”

 

“It’s me, Stanford! Stanford Pines!” Geez, the long hair must have been worse than he thought.

 

Fiddleford’s face changed to an expression of… well, Ford couldn’t even tell what that expression was supposed to be. Anger? Fear? Sadness? Shame? Some unholy amalgam of all of those?

 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t recogmagize--re-recognize you.” Fiddleford stammered.

 

“I didn’t recognize you either! What happened? You look terrible.”

 

“...I was in a car accident.” McGucket said slowly.

 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” Ford said, and he meant it. Look what had happened to his friend while he’d been shut up in his house. “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“No!” McGucket cried earnestly, then simmered back down to quiet and nervous. “Naw, I’ll manage. I… uh… I’ll go get the manager, he’ll want to see what you have…”

 

Fiddleford zipped into the back of the shop before Stanford could say another word, and soon the young researcher was showing his car-full of electronics to a young man wearing a clean polo shirt and a ‘manager’ tag. While the manager looked through his goods, Ford’s mind was back at the shop. What was up with McGucket? He thought of what Bill had said. Was his old college buddy really responsible for his lost memories? Was that why Fiddleford had acted so strangely when he recognized Ford?

 

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he forgot to haggle the price. Before he even realized the deal was done, Ford was standing there with a wad of cash in his hand. Coming back down to reality, he counted his earnings and mentally added it to the remaining grant money. He was still over a hundred dollars short. He gave a heavy sigh. He was going to have to do something he never thought he’d do.

 

He was going to have to look at the wanted-ads.

 

He had five days to find a job and earn over a hundred dollars. Unfortunately, Gravity Falls was a small town, and it was almost summer. All the jobs were being snatched up by teenagers looking for a way to make cash over the break. Of the few available positions, most wouldn’t earn him enough money in a week. And really, Stanford just needed a temporary position. There was really only one job that fit his needs. Luckily he felt he was perfectly qualified for it. It just wasn’t a job he wanted to do.

 

Stanford had  _ hated _ high school. Imagine how much worse being a high school  _ substitute teacher _ would be.

 


	5. Class Clown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford gets a crappy job that he'll neeeeeeeeeeever have to do again.

 

Moe Welker tried his best to look the part of a principal. His young face and short stature made him look right at home with the students, but his balding head made it all-to-clear that he was an adult; the man in charge. But there was not a fleck of grey in his remaining brown hair. It was as if his follicles were trying to make up for abandoning the top of his head.

 

When he interviewed new hires, Moe really wished he looked more intimidating.

 

“So, Mr. Pines…” Principal Welker said, looking over Stanford’s hastily slapped together resume.

 

“Please, it’s Dr. Pines.” Ford corrected him. “Mr. Pines was my father.”

 

“Rrrrrriiiiiiight.” Welker replied dryly. “Well,  _ Dr _ . Pines, if anything you’re  _ overqualified _ for the position. And you have a clean record. That’s usually all we need in a substitute teacher. But there’s one thing here that bugs me.”

 

Ford looked at the principal, trying to keep his face neutral, although inside he was panicking.

 

“It says here you’ve lived in Gravity Falls for six years.”

 

“Uh, yes, six years, almost seven.” Ford confirmed. Where was Welker going with this?

 

“Why haven’t I met you before?”

 

“Oh, uuuuuhhh…” Stanford’s mind rushed to come up with a good answer. “I came here to do… scientific research, and uh, well, I got very caught up in it! No time for socializing, you see.”

 

Principal Welker leaned back and gave him a scrutinizing look. “Dr. Pines, I get the impression you’re not a people person. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you’re not gonna survive  _ this _ job if you don’t have people skills.”

 

Ford’s face hardened. Who was this guy, to tell him what he could and couldn’t do? “You think I don’t have people skills? You don’t know a thing about me! Of course I have people skills! I’ve given dozens of presentations to researchers from around the world!”

 

“These aren’t researchers, they’re high-schoolers.” Welker said flatly.

 

“Look, I need this job.” Stanford pleaded. “I swear, I’m good with kids.”

 

“These aren’t kids.” Welker repeated. “ _ They’re high-schoolers _ .” 

 

Ford stared at the principal for a moment, and sat back. A thoughtful look spreading over his face.

 

Welker smiled. “Now you’re getting it. Still think you can handle people going through the roughest transition of their life?”

 

The scientist looked up at the principal, desperation streaming from his eyes. “I have to.”

 

Welker was taken aback. The sincerity and intensity of this man’s voice got to him in an emotional way he hadn’t expected. He sighed in defeat.

 

“Look, if it means that much to you, I’ll give you a trial period. On one condition.”

 

“Do I still get paid before Friday?”

 

“Yes. Just promise me you’ll get a hair cut.”

 

“I’ll take it!” Ford said jubilantly. He wanted to hug the principal, but settled for a vigorous handshake. 

 

It wasn’t until he reached the parking lot that he realized the handshake hadn’t even bothered him.

* * *

  
  


Wednesday morning rolled around and Ford was beginning to regret this decision. Was this  _ really _ the best way to earn money? Could he really handle a crowd of rowdy teens? What in the world was he thinking? He couldn’t even deal with teenagers when  _ he _ was one!

 

It was too late to back out now. The payment was due in two days. He’d just have to survive the day. It couldn’t be worse than the dangers he’d faced investigating the paranormal… could it?

 

This was a mistake. This was a mistake. This was a  _ terrible _ mistake. As the students entered the classroom his heart started racing and he felt as though he could hear every sound in the room. See every color. Smell every scent. Why was there so much hairspray?

 

The bell rang. This was it. Do or die.

 

“Alright everyone, class is starting. Sit down.” Stanford said in an authoritative voice. Most of the students remained  standing, completely ignoring him.

 

“Hey! That was the bell! It’s time to start class, so sit down!” He said, louder this time. Still nothing. If anything, the kids talked louder still, trying to drown him out.

 

Oh dear. This was already a trainwreck. Ford looked around and spied a stack of textbooks; he suddenly remembered something one of his own teachers used to do to get the class’ attention. He picked up the books, about a foot off the desk, then let them drop with a resounding  _ thud _ . The students were shocked silent for a moment as they looked around for the source of the noise.

 

Ford cleared his throat. “Ah-hem, take your seats, please.” The students obeyed, although they were still talking. Oh well. At least they were paying attention to them now. “Alright, your usual Physics teacher, Mr. Shmee, is in the hospital this week, so I’ll be your substitute. My name is Dr. Stanford Pines.” As he raised his hands to gesture to himself, he noticed several of the kids staring at them. He sighed in irritation. “And to get this out of the way,  _ yes _ , I have six fingers on each hand. No need to gawk, you’ll get plenty of time to look at them when I write on the board.

 

“So, let’s get started. The notes say you’re learning about colliding objects. Who can tell me what laws of motion we use to solve these kinds of problems?”

 

No one answered. He’d lost them again. Most students were talking to each other, while those who weren’t stared absentmindedly at his hands. Stanford frowned and dropped the books again.

 

“Alright, listen up! If you keep on goofing off and not paying attention, you’re wasting  _ your _ time as much as you are mine. But hey, what do I care? I’m just a sub. I get paid either way. You” He said loudly, pointing out at the students, “on the other hand, are here to learn physics. So let’s learn some physics!”

 

That seemed to have gotten their attention again. They were at least surprised by his sudden outburst and reprimand. Ford picked up a piece of chalk and started coming up with a problem for them before they could recover.

 

“So, let’s say you have a 150 pound object floating free in a theoretical frictionless, gravityless environment.” He drew a circle on the board and labeled it 150 lbs. 

 

“And another 200 pound object on a collision course, accelerating at a foot per second per second at a 30 degree angle.” He drew a second circle labeled 200 lbs, and an arrow pointing towards the first object. 

 

“When they collide, it’s not straight on. Object two grabs object one ten inches from its center of mass, creating torque.” He shakily drew a line from the center of object one labeled 10 inches. 

 

“After rotating 180 degrees, object two pushes off of object one with a force twice that of their original collision, propelling it forward!” Who was shouting? Was that him? 

 

“What is the the torque on object one, and what is the acceleration of object two after pushing object one?” He dropped the chalk and noticed his hands were shaking. He looked at the students. They were staring at him like he’d just turned purple.

 

Ford suddenly realized that his heart was racing, his head was pounding, and his body sweating. What was wrong with him? Was this nerves? Why did he feel sad, and scared? He sat down heavily.

 

“There that… that ought to keep you busy until class ends. If you have any questions… I’ll just be here.”

 

The students looked at him, a mix of worried, confused, and even scared faces all across the classroom. Ford forced a smile onto his face. “I’m fine, get started on that problem!”

 

What was that all about? He’d been trying to think of a good, difficult problem to get the kids thinking, and one had suddenly popped into his head. He studied the drawings on the board. Why did the situation seem familiar? Was this another lost memory trying to make its way back into his consciousness?  He shook his head. At least the students were working now. There’d be time to worry about this later.

* * *

  
  


“So how’s the new sub in Physics?”

 

“He totally freaked out in the middle of class!”

 

“Does he really have six fingers?”

 

“He’s got a doctorate, dude! I heard he’s some sorta genius!”

 

“Is he ok?”

 

“He’s like,  _ super-intense _ .”

 

Rumors about Dr. Pines spread like wildfire after first period physics. The general consensus was that he was a hard case, as far as substitute teachers went. He was intense, and even a bit scary. Worst of all, he actually made the students do  _ school work _ !

 

One student in the afternoon physics period took this as a challenge. He was the class clown. It was his job to distract teachers and students alike from the boring monotony of class time. That went double for subs. Substitute days were supposed to be a break! He’d show this newbie how it was supposed to be.

* * *

  
  


Stanford’s second class of the day was right after lunch. He knew this was going to be more difficult than the last class. It was only logical. In the morning they were still tired and sluggish. After lunch they were wound up and full of energy.

 

At first things seemed promising. The students all sat down in their chairs to start with, whispering to each other and occasionally pointing at him. Apparently he’d made a reputation for himself after the last class.

 

Ford reiterated his introduction and even the explanation that yes, he did have six fingers on each hand. That was when the trouble started.

 

A hand shot up in the middle of the room. “Yes?” Ford pointed to the boy with the question.

 

“How’d you get extra fingers?” The young man asked with an annoying southern twang. “Did you get mutated by radioactive waste?”

 

Ford rolled his eyes. Like he hadn’t heard that one before. “I was born with them.”

 

“Did your mom drink radioactive waste while she was pregnant?”

 

Ford stood up in a flash, fists clenched and teeth gritted. The boy smirked. The substitute teacher tried to blink away the anger. No way was he going to get thrown out of the school over a ‘your mom’ joke.

 

“What’s your name, kid?” Stanford asked in a low, deadly tone.

 

“Buddy.” The boy replied smarmily. “Buddy Gleeful.”

 

“Well,  _ Buddy _ , if you’re so keen to ask questions, let me ask you one. What law of motion dictates what force is exerted on each object in a collision?”

 

Buddy looked up at him blankly and shrugged.

 

“Come on, this is  _ easy, basic  _ stuff.” Ford insisted. “You should have learned Newton’s Laws the first week of class.” A couple of hands went up in the front row. “Your classmates know. You still don’t?” Buddy shrugged again.

 

“Newton’s Third Law.” Stanford said loudly, now addressing the whole class. “It states that for every force, there is an equal and opposite force.” He dropped a stack of books on the desk. “The desk exerts just as much force on the books as the books do on the desk.”

 

“Equal and opposite forces, like the Dark Side and the Light Side of the Force in Star Wars?” Buddy asked with a grin. The class laughed. Ford ignored him. He didn’t want to admit it, but that was a pretty funny joke.

 

The substitute teacher wrote up another problem on the board. He didn’t have an anxiety attack this time, but with Buddy’s constant asides, it didn’t really go any smoother. By the end of class, Ford was through.

 

“You.” He stepped in front of the trouble-making boy as he left the classroom. “You’re coming to the office with  _ me _ .”

 

“But I’ll be late for my next class…”

 

“ _ Do I look like I care _ ?” Ford asked, no longer hiding his anger. He placed a large hand on the kid’s shoulder and steered him to the office.

 

Principal Welker was on the phone with someone when they got there, so Ford had to take a seat with Buddy outside the office and wait. In the down time he couldn’t help but remember the last time he’d been in this position. Was all this really worth it, for Stanley? Stan, who’d always been there to support him, only to sabotage his first chance to really make a difference in his life?

 

Stanford found himself staring at his reflection in the glass of the principal’s door. It was his fault Stanley was gone. His portal. His mess. His job to fix things.

 

Buddy noticed the sub staring at his reflection. “Nice hair cut. You do it yourself?” He asked snarkily. Ford ignored the kid. That was exactly what he’d done.

 

The door opened, ending the awkward conversation. They took a seat opposite Welker’s desk.

 

“Ah, Dr. Pines how’d your first day go?” the principal asked cheerfully. Then his eyes fell on Buddy. “Oh. You had a problem?”

 

“This little…” Ford decided it probably wouldn’t be ok to call the kid ‘troll’ to the principal’s face, “... _ rascal _ … has been openly insulting me in class and disrupting my lesson.”

 

“Buddy, what do you have to say for yourself?” Welker asked the boy.

 

“Well first of all Principal Welker, can I just say what an honor it is to have such a fair and understanding principal such as yerself?” The boy said, laying the flattery on thick.

 

“Save it, Buddy.” Welker said flatly.

 

“Well y’see sir, I was just tryin’ to make everyone more comfortable with the new sitcheeation of a substitute teacher, yes!” Buddy explained, “Tryin’ to add some levity to the class. Weren’t no offense meant, I assure you!”

 

“Well, there’s a time and a place for levity young man.” Welker said firmly. “Now, run along to class.”

 

Ford stared at the principal blankly as the kid left. “That’s it?” He finally asked, scandalized. “You’re just going to let him talk his way out of it!?”

 

“He was just talking in class. It’s not worth making a big deal out of it.” Welker said.

 

Ford wanted to argue, but he also wanted his pay check by Friday. He could let this go. Buddy wouldn’t be his problem after this week anyway. He would just have to deal with it for one more day.


	6. Maybe Gremlins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford teaches his students about the wonders of the paranormal and comes to regret it.

Friday was going to be a big day, so Stanford tried to get to bed early Thursday night. Of course, that meant Thursday night was incredibly rough.

 

The nightmares were worse than usual. More of Stanley’s screams. More creatures of indescribable horror. A great yellow eye in the sky, watching his every move. And, this was new, people who appeared to be normal, except with X’s where their eyes should be, grabbing at him and trying to drag him down into a murky dark mist. He vaguely recognized some of them. People he had seen around town in Gravity Falls. 

 

Ford woke with a start around 5am the next morning, and couldn’t get back to sleep. How could he, when he could feel the eyes of the world on him? Every _ one _ and every _ thing _ was watching him. He got up and spent the next two hours scouring the house for bugs, magical or mechanical. His search turned up nothing, but Ford couldn’t shake the feeling that something had an eye on him. 

 

Then his alarm clock went off and he remembered where he was supposed to be in an hour.

 

After forcing some food into his stomach (everything tasted like ash) Stanford pulled on some clean cloths, tried to make his hair look less like he’d cut it himself, and got about halfway through brushing his teeth before he realized he was using disinfectant cream instead of toothpaste.

 

He pulled up to the school in Stan’s car. An older woman, probably another teacher, was getting out of her car just a few spaces over. She smiled and waved at him. Ford gave a cold, suspicious glare in return. A facade of niceness wasn't going to fool him.

 

Inside the school, he avoided making eye-contact with anyone. He was sure they were all working against him. Everyone wanted to see him fail, to see him trip in the home stretch. Well he wouldn't give them the satisfaction. He was going to get that bill paid and no one was going to stop him.

 

Dr. Pines ordered his first class to get to work on a problem in their textbook. Then he sat at his desk, staring out over the class. The students could sense the tension in the substitute. No one dared ask him a question, or even make a sound. Everyone just worked quietly in their books.

 

By the time his second class rolled around, Stanford was ready for the day to be over. He just wanted to take his paycheck and go to Northwest Realty and get this whole mess taken care of, so he could get back to fixing his  _ other _ messes. He was so close... And yet so far. This was the class with that disruptive little troll Buddy Gleeful, after all.

 

The class ended up dragging on, but not for the reason Ford would have guessed.

 

It started with a young lady sitting in the front row. She looked a bit distraught as she came in. When Ford instructed the class to open their books, she raised her hand.

 

"Dr. Pines, I can't find my Physics book."

 

"Did you leave it in your locker?" The substitute asked.

 

"No! Well, I mean, I know I left it in my locker before lunch, but when I came back after lunch it was gone!"

 

Ford frowned. "Do you think it was stolen?"

 

"Uh, I dunno. I mean, it wasn't forced open or anything, but nobody knows the combination to my locker."

 

"Maybe gremlins took it." Buddy said with a chuckle.

 

Ford stood, his face serious. "Oh, you laugh now, but you won't think it's funny when they start getting bolder. Gremlins always start small, steal a few pens or single socks. But then they need bigger thrills and next thing you know they're unscrewing bolts in your car or rewiring your house to electrocute you if you turn on a light."

 

The students looked at him like he'd just sprouted wings. Was this guy serious?

 

Ford stepped around his desk and bent down to get on eye level with the girl. "If there's a gremlin in the school, that could be a serious safety hazard. Show me where your locker is."

 

The girl looked at him for a few seconds, unsure whether her teacher was just joking with her or not.

 

“Well?” Ford asked.

 

The girl gave a confused nod and led the substitute out the door and down the hall. The rest of the students looked around at each other curiously. What was going on here? What was the class supposed to do? Were they supposed to stay here? Follow? 

 

Eventually their curiosity got the better of a hand full of students and they followed out the door. Once a few students left, the whole class followed  _ en mas _ . 

 

The girl’s locker, it turned out, was on the other end of the building. She opened it for the teacher, revealing a large disorganized pile of books, folders, and papers.

 

“You’re sure it’s not just lost in this mess?” One student asked.

 

“It’s better to be safe than sorry.” Stanford assured them, kneeling down and taking a closer look at the chaotic locker. It was hard to tell if anything had been disturbed. He reached into his pocket and felt a bottle he’d been using to check for magical surveillance in his own house earlier that morning. A bottle of magic-detecting spray. Perfect.

 

Ford lightly spritzed the locker, and a light tan trail of tiny footprints was revealed. The students gasped in wonder. He found himself smiling. It was nice seeing these kids get excited about his work.

 

“Woah, it really  _ was _ gremlins!” the girl who owned the locker said, dumbfounded.

 

“These aren’t gremlin footprints, too many toes.” Ford corrected her. “It could be a bare-footed gnome, but they don’t typically work alone. Maybe an elf, or an especially large fairy…” He followed the trail, squirting the spray again when he lost sight of it. The students followed behind him, enthralled.

 

Well, most of them anyway. Buddy Gleeful’s usual expression of carefree goofiness was replaced by one of constipated worry. This magical business bothered him, but he didn’t seem willing to say anything on the matter.

 

This all escaped Stanford’s notice. He was too busy explaining mini-humanoids to the rest of the class as they followed the magical trail. They soon reached a door that led into the school kitchen. Luckily the lunch crew seemed to be done cleaning up for the day. The kitchen looked tidy.

 

Too tidy.

 

Unnaturally tidy.

 

A school kitchen  _ couldn’t _ be this tidy.

 

“I think I know what took your book.” Stanford said smugly. He sprayed once again and a trail leading under the freezer was revealed. “Someone help me move this.” He asked, and a few students did just that. Behind the freezer they found a nest of sorts. Stray kitchen utensils, old food trays, and lint galore were arranged around a small, humanoid creature, clad in cleaning supplies. Where it wasn’t girded up with sponges and toothbrushes, it was covered in thick brown hair. It lay curled up asleep with a worn but sparkling clean physics book.

 

“Here’s your culprit, a Brownie.” Ford said. 

 

“What?” Several of the students asked. “No way man, brownies are what you eat for dessert!” On boy protested.

 

“Not a chocolate brownie!” Dr. Pines clarified. “A Brownie is a magical being. Also known as a Cleaning Fairy, they stake out territory in a human dwelling and then keep the area clean to attract a mate. They like to collect and eat trash.” He reached down and carefully removed the book, careful not to disturb the creature, then handed it back to the girl. “Here. Don’t do homework at the dinner table anymore, they’re attracted to the smell of bad cooking. Bad cooking means a big mess.

 

“Brownies are generally harmless, as long as you don’t leave out LEGOs, they hate stepping on those things. I think it’s best for our health, and for the school’s sanitation record, if we leave it here.”

 

The students crowded around the freezer, trying to get a good look at the thing, ooo-ing and aah-ing. Somehow the Brownie remained asleep. It must have been a really heavy sleeper.

 

Then the bell rang and Stanford no longer cared about the Brownie or the students. He was done for the day! He was getting that paycheck and he was paying off that bill to Northwest Realty! He shot out the door and down to the principal’s office. Principal Welker was waiting for him.

 

“Hello Dr. Pines, I see you survived your term as a substitute.” Welker said jokingly.

 

“Yes, not to be rude, but I need to cash my paycheck and get to Northwest Realty by five today, could I just take my check and go?”

 

Welker rolled his eyes but handed the paycheck over without a word. Stanford ran out of the building without a second look back. He was sure he’d  _ never _ set foot in that school again.

* * *

  
  


Stanford stepped out of Northwest Realty later that evening, incredibly proud of himself. It had all been worth it to see the sour look on Sterling Northwest’s face. It wasn’t quite as sweet as finally finding concrete proof that the Northwests were all frauds, but Ford was sure he’d find that eventually. He still had to worry about making future mortgage payments, but he’d cross that bridge when he came to it.

 

This day had really turned around! This morning he’d felt terrible, like the whole world was against him. Now, for the first time in months, things seemed to be going his way. He’d been able to show the high school students a real paranormal creature, and he’d saved his house from a greedy blue-blood snob. Not bad.

 

Ford was feeling great as he walked down the street. However, despite his generally good mood, his usual paranoia still lingered. He could swear he heard footsteps behind him, but when he turned to look there was nothing. There seemed to be shadows at the corner of his vision, but when he turned to look they were gone. Was he going mad?

 

He had almost made it back to the school parking lot and Stan’s car. It was past the dump. That was when they made their move.

 

He saw a robed figure standing in the shadows just across the street, staring right at him. Ford scoffed. They were going to have to try better than that! He ducked into the dump to lose his pursuer. A mysterious figure in robes was never a good sign, especially in Gravity Falls. What could it be? A wraith? The Grim Reaper? A bunch of gnomes who had gotten hold of a cloak?

 

Inside the fence of the dump Stanford found plenty of places to hide. He ducked under a broken down tractor and tried to breathe as quietly as possible. He soon glimpsed the feet of the robed person walking past… followed by another two robed people. And three more coming from further inside the dump.

 

“Where is he?” A man’s voice with a vaguely british accent asked. “Are you sure you scared him into the dump, novice?”

 

“Eh-yes!” A younger voice with a hint of a southern drawl replied. Ford recognized that voice, that was Buddy Gleeful! “I  _ saw _ him slip in here, I promise ya!”

 

“He must have known it was a trap.” a woman’s voice said.

 

“Impossible.” The british man scoffed.

 

“Well he remembers the paranormal, who knows what else?”

 

“That’s why we’ll have to completely wipe his mind when we find him.” The british voice said gravely. “He’s not just spreading knowledge of the town’s stranger side, he’s a danger to The Society of the Blind Eye!”

 

Most of the other robed figures gasped and shifted about uncomfortably. They didn’t like the idea of  _ completely _ wiping a man’s mind.

 

“McGucket will never apro--” One started to say.

 

“McGucket doesn’t need to know!” The first voice yelled. He seemed to be the leader. “He’s not been well of late. We needn’t burden his mind with this problem.”

 

“...Why do you always sound like you’re in a renaissance fair?” another woman asked.

 

“Spread out and look for him.” The leader instructed, ignoring her. “I’ll stay here and guard the exit.”

 

Stanford gritted his teeth. That guy was standing right in front of him. There was no getting out of this hiding spot without being spotted. This wasn’t exactly a comfortable position. How long would he have to stay here?

 

Not very long, it turned out. One robed man came by in just a few seconds with a flashlight, checking under all the junk.  _ Crap _ . Ford tensed up, ready to bolt the second the guy got too close.

 

“Hey! I--” The man started to yell out, but Ford sprang up and punched him square in the jaw. In another second he was running, away from the exit. There had to be some loose boards in the fence somewhere, and he did  _ not _ want to deal with the guy who seemed dead-set on erasing his mind.

 

The chase was on. Five people in dark red robes chased after him. Ford did his best to knock over piles of trash in their way to slow them down, but they were nothing if not persistent. One of them pulled out a strange device that seemed like a cross between a gun, a label-maker, and a lightbulb. The guy fired off a beam of light. It flew wide of its target, thankfully. Ford really didn’t want to know what that beam of light did.

 

Ford found himself in a dead-end, surrounded by unclimbable piles of trash on three sides. Behind him was the Society of the Blind Eye. Well, it looked like he was going to have to _ fight _ his way out of this one.

 

He lept at the guy with the gun-thing first, knocking him over before he could fire. The device slipped out of the man’s hand. Ford grabbed it. The society members around him all gasped, and backed away cautiously. Ford smirked in triumph and chanced a glance a the thing. It only took a few seconds for his genius mind to take in it’s design and purpose. Ah, so  _ that _ was how it worked? An electromagnetic wave that disrupted synaptic connections within the long-term memory. Ingenious, really, but it could be a lot more efficient as a radio signal. It could travel as a shockwave, hitting multiple targets that way.

 

“Don’t let the memory eraser fall into the wrong hands!” The first woman from before ordered. 

 

Oh, right, he was supposed to be fighting cultists, not admiring their stuff. Ford charged straight at the line of society members and fired the gun-thing at the shouting woman. She narrowly dodged the beam, letting him pass in the process. Probably for the best. Ford didn’t want to be responsible for erasing someone’s mind. As he ran, he looked down at the device and fiddled around with the dial. He might not be willing to  _ completely _ erase someone’s mind, but making the cultists forget about him might be his best way out of this mess.

 

_ Stanford Pines  _ the small monitor read. Perfect. He rounded a corner to get out of their sight and then stopped suddenly, turning around and aiming for where he knew they’d be coming. Sure enough, the cultists came barreling around the corner at full tilt. Stanford managed to hit three of them in quick succession. The last two included Buddy Gleeful and the shouting woman. She raised up her hands in a peaceful gesture.

 

“Listen sir, we just want to help you! We can take away the pain. I’ll tell you what, I’ll just erase your memory of the Society and the monsters, you pretend we totally wiped you for Ivan’s sake, and tomorrow you wake up like nothing bad ever happened.”

 

“You’re in no position to make deals.” Ford said steadily.

 

The woman, seeing his point, lept at him in a last attempt to retrieve the device. As they fought, she grabbed his arm and twisted it, making him drop the gun. But not before he fired. The beam shot out and reflected off a broken piece of glass, rebounding to the woman. She collapsed, dragging Stanford with her. 

 

Buddy grabbed the memory gun.

 

“Buddy, please, don’t--” Stanford pleaded.

 

Buddy turned the gun on himself.

 

“...Buddy, no!” Ford yelled too late. There was a flash and Buddy’s eyes glazed over. A contented smile spread across his face. The scientist looked on in silent horror. Who would  _ do that _ to themselves?

 

Then he heard footsteps coming from the direction of the exit. The leader, “Ivan”, was coming to see what had happened. Ford remembered the words of the woman. Fake it, pretend his mind is gone. He immediately collapsed on the ground and tried to adopt the vacant expressions he’d seen on all the others’ faces.

 

"What... What happened!?" Ivan asked, seeing everyone sprawled out on the ground. Bud groaned and sat up. The teen still had the memory gun in his hand. "Novice, did  _ you  _ get him?!"

 

"Uh…? Why, yes, yes I did!" Buddy replied slowly. "I got, uh, him."

 

Ivan stepped over Ford. The scientist tried his best to keep his eyes unfocused and his face blank. The cultist leaned over and looked his victim over. When Ivan was satisfied that Stanford was no longer a threat, he nodded and stood up, giving the scientist a swift kick in the side. It took all of Ford's concentration not to jump up and fight Ivan, but he just groaned and flinched.

 

"You won't be a danger to this town any longer, Pines." Ivan spat. "Come along novice, you did well today."

 

The two of them helped the woman up and left the dump. Stanford didn’t dare move from the spot until the sun had finally gone down. ...They had just left him there, fully believing his mind was wiped. They’d practically left him there to die! That was  _ cold _ !

 

As he lay there, Ford had time to think about what he’d heard them talking about while under the tractor. Fiddleford was involved in this somehow. Ivan seemed to be doing this behind his back. Stanford remembered what Bill had said about Fiddleford starting a secret society. Apparently he’d just encountered them.  _ That _ was it. That was how he’d lost his memory.

 

Ivan had said something about how McGucket wasn’t doing well. Ford remembered the encounter with his friend at the electronics store. Fiddleford  _ had _ looked to be in bad shape. The scientist was torn; he wanted to help his friend, but it wasn’t safe to be around a man who created a secret society of memory erasers.

 

Stanford couldn’t afford to lose any more memories. Stanley was counting on him. If he was going to fix the portal, he was going to have to keep clear of  _ anyone _ involved with the Society of the Blind Eye.  _ And _ he was going to have to pretend he knew  _ nothing _ about the paranormal.


	7. Flash Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a time skip.

“Really? You want  _ me _ to sub?” Stanford asked incredulously.

 

“No, I was just calling you because I like wasting the school’s time and money.” Principal Welker replied dryly. “Of course I want you to sub again!”

 

Ford didn’t know how to respond to the offer. Sure, in the past few months he’d made ends meet by repairing people’s broken microwave ovens and phones and even a colecovision, but there was no denying, being a substitute teacher payed well. He might be able to afford some new equipment to help him figure out the portal.

 

However, there was the matter of the students.

 

One of his students had sold him out to the Blind Eye. The rational part of Ford’s brain tried to tell him that this was an isolated incident, but paranoia had a funny way of drowning out reason.

 

And then, just a few weeks after school had let out, Ford had run into the girl who lost her Physics book at the grocery store. When he’d approached her and asked if the brownie had pilfered any more books, she’d looked at him like he was crazy, and ran off to find her mother. It didn’t take long for the scientist to guess what had happened.

 

He’d gotten an entire class memory-wiped.

 

“So Dr. Pines, can I put you on this year’s sub-list or not?” Welker asked, bringing Ford back from his thoughts.

 

“I-uh-I just don’t know if I’m cut out to be a teacher, even if I am just a substitute. I… don’t think the kids liked me.”

 

Welker laughed. “Ha, don’t sell yourself short. I’d rather have a sub the kids hate who knows what he’d doing than a sub who just sits there and lets them waste an entire class period throwing paper airplanes and writing on their desks.”

 

“The kids  _ hate _ me?” Ford asked, more hurt than he would have expected to be.

 

“Oh, I dunno. Most of them probably don’t even remember you. A one-time sub doesn’t typically stand out.” the principal tried to reassure him.

 

“Don’t remember… yes…” Dr. Pines said quietly.

 

He needed the money. He _ really _ needed the money. With no leads on the locations of the other two journals, Stanford’s best bet of figuring out the portal was to reverse engineer it. That would require a lot of equipment.

 

And maybe with a steadier income he could finally buy himself a new car. It felt wrong driving around in Stan’s, for so many reasons.

 

And maybe a garage for all those repair projects he’d taken on. He was worried he’d get one mixed up with an experiment and end up giving someone a lightbulb that extended their lifespan or something.

 

“I suppose I could be on the list, as long as you give me plenty of notice.”

* * *

  
  


(Three weeks later)

 

“Two hours is  _ not _ plenty of notice!” Ford grumbled to the Principal. In his rush he’d nicked himself shaving, and his hair was more rumpled than usual. 

 

“His wife went into labor, it’s not something he was planning on!” Welker defended.

 

“Well couldn’t you have gotten  _ someone else _ ?”

 

“You’re our only science sub. Anyway, I’ve gotta go get ready for the morning intercall, good luck.”

 

Dr. Pines groaned. Ok, this should be fine. Chemistry was easy enough. Ionic compounds were a pretty simple concept to explain.

 

Soon enough the students showed up. He started out teaching the lesson from the book, but he found himself straying to explain things that the book only skimmed over or outright ignored. Like the book didn’t even mention electron shell shapes! But that made understanding why ionic compounds had different charges so much easier!

 

Perhaps the book thought such concepts would be over the student’s heads, but the kids seemed to be asking the right questions. The ones who were paying attention, anyway. But he reasoned that those kids wouldn’t be paying attention regardless of what he taught. 

 

* * *

 

(One month later)

 

Another night, another trip into Stanley’s mindscape.

 

Of course, Ford couldn’t go every night. Or even every week. On these nights he didn’t get any  _ real _ sleep, and he was unsure if it had a similar effect on Stan. He wasn’t about to risk that. He could only guess how badly Stan needed rest out there.

 

It took several visits for Stanley’s previous dreams to become part of his long term memory, so for a couple of months, each visit Ford would have to explain what he was doing in Stan’s mind, how he’d gotten there, and what he was doing to try and bring Stan back. Even after that, Stan’s memories of their previous meetings were always patchy.

 

Then there was the matter of their sleep schedules matching up. There had been a few times where Ford had performed the ritual, only for nothing to happen. This happened a few times before they figured out it was because Stan hadn’t slept those nights. 

 

All-in-all, trips into Stan’s mindscape could be very frustrating.

 

“So, how’s progress going?” Stanley asked. The memory they were in had become their de-facto meeting place: a couple of teens sitting on the swingset on the beach.

 

It was a simple enough question, but it only served to frustrate Stanford more. Progress wasn’t going anywhere! He was no closer to finding the other journals and he’d taken apart and put back together every part of the portal, yet he still had no idea how to work it or what purpose it served! But he couldn’t bring himself to crush Stan’s hopes like that.

 

“It’s moving along slowly, alright?” Ford snapped, sounding more salty than he’d meant to. “I know you’re in danger and I know you’ve been there almost a year, but I’m doing the best I can!”

 

Stan blanched. “A-a year?”

 

“Almost.” Ford corrected. “It’s October here.”

 

“Don’t tell me that!” Stan yelled. “Don’t tell me these things, I don’t want to know! It just makes it worse, knowing what I’m missing!”

 

“I hate to break it to you, but you’ll probably be stuck there much longer than a year.” Ford said sadly.

 

His brother grabbed him roughly by the shoulders, looking at him desperately. “Come  _ on _ Sixer, you’re a genius, I  _ know _ you can do better!”

 

The scientist froze. A painful memory of someone  _ else _ calling him Sixer and praising him as a genius came to mind.

 

“ _ Pleading _ won’t change anything.” Ford said simply, lifting his brother’s hands off him. The memory of Bill taunting him was suffocating out any other thoughts. He couldn’t do this! He couldn’t remember exactly what the demonic triangle wanted with the portal, but he knew it was far too dangerous. He couldn’t reactivate the portal… but would Stan understand? No, he couldn’t know. If Stan lost hope, who knows what he’d do?

 

“Hey, you ok?” Stanley asked, noticing his brother’s long silence.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t save you!” He finally whispered.

 

“Hey, none of that! Don’t give up on me, and I won’t give up on you!”

 

Ford was fighting back tears. This was too hard a decision to make. What had he done to wind up in this situation?

 

Stan, seeing his brother’s emotional struggle, but not really understanding it, pulled him into a hug. “It’s OK, you’ll figure it out.”

 

Stanford didn’t see how he  _ could _ . Either option was so terrible! Never truly see his brother again, or let Bill Cipher… he couldn’t  _ remember _ what it was Bill wanted to do, but the wretched feeling inside him told him it was disastrous.

 

So instead he decided  _ not to _ make a decision. He wasn’t making progress with the portal anyway. He’d keep looking for the other journals, even look for another way to bring Stan back. And he’d cross that horrible bridge when he came to it.

* * *

  
  


(One year later)

 

“So, Mr. Shmee is retiring this year…”

 

“No.” Dr. Pines got up to leave the principal’s office.

 

“Oh come  _ on _ Stanford!” Welker pleaded, “You’re better qualified than anyone else applying for the position!” 

 

“Well I’m  _ not _ applying for the position, so you can give it to one of them.”

 

* * *

 

(Two years later)

 

“Did you hear Mr. Praxis is fired?” The biology teacher asked Dr. Pines as they chatted in the teacher’s lounge. 

 

“Really? About time. These poor kids don’t even know how to calculate buoyancy.” Ford said gruffly. “I feel like I have to cover three back-lessons every time I sub for him, which is  _ much more _ often than should be allowed. How often does this guy just take off for vacation?”

 

The biology teacher nodded. “I know!” She exclaimed, “That’s why Welker fired him! I told him not to do it, that’s the second teacher in as many years, but he said ‘I may as well just let Pines teach the class, he’s covering for the guy so often.’ And I asked him if he’d asked you about it.”

 

“He has. Several times.”

 

“And?”

 

“And I’m thinking about it.”

 

She sighed. “Dr. Pines, these kids  _ really _ need a good teacher. Test scores are at an all-time low, it’s making the science department look bad.”

 

Ford gave her a scrutinizing look. “Did Welker  _ ask _ you to talk to me about this?”

 

“Well, yes,” She admitted, “but I would have talked to you about it even if he hadn’t.”

 

The substitute gave an exasperated sigh and sat back. He wanted to show the kids that physics was great, that it wasn’t boring or frivolous, like the last two teachers had made it out to be. He loved those rare moments where he could actually get the kids excited about science and the unknown like he was. But he hated grading papers and filling out attendance forms and calling parents because he’d caught little Suzy cheating.

 

The repair garage he’d set up beside his house had been bringing in decent money, along with his increasingly frequent substituting gigs. But it would be nice to have more.

 

“I’ll tell you what I’ve told Welker.  _ I’m thinking about it _ .”

* * *

  
  


“So you’re gonna teach full time?” Stan asked him later that night. This was something Ford needed to talk over with someone.

 

“Maybe….Probably.” 

 

Stan gave a long, dissapointed sigh. “That’s probably gonna take up a lot more journal-hunting time, huh?”

 

“Well, yes, but I’ll have weekends and summers off.” Ford reasoned. “And I’ll be making a bit more money, enough for new equipment.”

 

“Ford, upgrading the dumb thing isn’t gonna do us any good if you still don’t know how to work it!”

 

“It’s all I can do at the moment.” Stanley didn’t understand. Maybe if Stanford changed the portal he’d be able to stop it from working the way Bill wanted it to. It was a slim chance, considering  his limited knowledge of Bill’s or the portal’s purpose, but it was a chance he had to take.

 

The twins sat in sad, frustrated silence. “Are you really gonna come for me?” Stan finally asked.

 

Ford’s stomach dropped out of him. He was still so unsure of how to proceed, or whether he even should. “Of course!” It wasn’t  _ really _ a lie… He  _ wanted  _ to save Stan, he just needed to find a different way. “Why would you even need to ask that?”

 

“Well, a few days ago I met another… guy, and he said… said you’d never open the portal again, not even to save me. Cuz it’s too dangerous.” Stanley said slowly.

 

Stanford felt his heart racing. That was  _ exactly _ the problem. How had this ‘other guy’ known? “Stan, you can’t trust the things you find out there!”

 

“Not even if it’s you?”

 

“What?!”

 

Stan sighed and shook his head. “Never mind. Forget it.”

 

“Stan, I’m still on Earth! Whatever or whoever you saw, it was some sort of trick, or illusion!”

 

“Said he was from a different time-line, or universe or whatever. I dunno. Real stick-in-the-mud.” Stan explained, keeping his eyes on the ground. “I know he’s not really  _ you _ . You’re  _ my _ brother. I guess it just sorta shook me up is all.”

 

Ford felt sick. This other timeline version of himself seemed to know exactly what was going on. In a way he was right, Ford  _ knew _ it was too dangerous to open the portal. But there had to be another way, right? Or was that what the other him had meant? There was no other way, only the portal, and that was simply not an option. “I’ll find a way.” He whispered.

 


	8. The Boy at the Science Fair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford makes a friend in an unexpected place and my two favorite characters finally get to interact.

Stanford Pines did  _ not _ want to be involved with the school science fair. At all. Unfortunately his coworkers weren’t giving him any choice in the matter.

 

“If you teach a science class you’ve gotta help with the science fair! It doesn’t organize itself!” Welker told him.

 

Dr. Pines tried his best to get out of it. He made excuses and complained and made it very clear that he was  _ not interested one bit _ . But the encouragement of a paycheck can do a lot to persuade a guy. When the day finally came, the other teachers were worried he’d take his frustration out on the projects he judged. However, when the physics teacher arrived, his salty attitude was gone, replaced with a pensive melancholy. Instead of being harsh on the students’ projects, he was the most lax judge of all. His odd behaviour wasn’t lost on the other teachers. When they asked Stanford what was up, he shrugged them off and told them it wasn’t important.

 

Ford didn’t believe they really cared anyway. 

 

Walking around the science fair was like living in a sad haze. This whole thing was bringing back unpleasant memories that he already dwelled on enough. He didn’t want any of these kids to feel the same crushing rejection he’d felt on that day, so he gave them all high marks, even if they maybe didn’t deserve it.

 

And so it continued for years, every spring he dreaded that stressful, sad, but otherwise uneventful day. Until one fateful occurrence in 2002.

* * *

  
  


“So Mr. Copley couldn’t make it.”

 

“Who?” 

 

“The middle school Earth Science teacher. Apparently his car got vandalized last night or something.”

 

“And now you need someone to judge to middle school projects.”

 

The middle school principal nodded and gave a pleading look. Stanford sighed and pinned a nametag reading ‘Dr. Pines’ to his shirt. “Alright.”

 

The middle school projects were different from the high school’s. For starters, the displays tended to be nicer. It was obvious the parents had done most of the work on a lot of these. The experiments  were simpler too, like what kind of cereal got soggy in milk the fastest, or how long did it take a dog to figure out the treat was under something. Ford was more interested in the faces of the kids presenting. Many were bored, most likely here for extra credit or because their parents insisted, but some were genuinely excited or nervous to talk about their experiments.  _ Those _ were the kids he was looking forward to seeing in his class a few years down the line.

 

He went through the motions of filling out the evaluation form for each project, running on autopilot, until he came to a kid who was neither excited nor bored. This boy had the sad, frustrated look of someone who had worked very hard on their experiment, only for it to go wrong at the last minute.

 

The boy was short, and a little tubby, which made him look too young to be in middle school. He had floppy brown hair and little buck teeth. A very cute kid. His display was not as polished as the others, although it definitely had it’s own artistic flair. Sitting on his table was a miniature steam engine, but it wasn’t running.

 

“Well kid, why don’t you tell me about your project?” Dr. Pines asked kindly, trying to comfort the child.

 

“Oh, uh, my name is Soos Ramierez, and… uh…” The boy stammered, trying to start his oral presentation, but in the end just giving up. “It’s… it’s not working. Just go to the next one, I can’t make it work.”

 

Ford picked up the tiny engine and looked it over. The kid had a few hand-drawn schematics of the thing taped to his poster-board. They were a little sloppy, but correct.

 

“Everything appears to be in working order, you just need to light the element to get it boiling.” The teacher said, setting it back down.

 

“I can’t light it, I’m not supposed to have an open flame inside the school. Even if I could, I’m not supposed to use matches anyway.” Soos said glumly.

 

“Oh, well, it’s not…  _ technically _ an open flame.” Ford muttered, looking around to make sure nobody was watching. He pulled a small lighter out of his pocket and lit the element. He closed the boiler back up and set it back down. “How’d you test it if you couldn’t light it?”

 

“My abuelita helped me.” The kid explained. “She usually helps me with a lot of my school stuff, but she doesn’t really know about science.”

 

“Your parents aren’t around to help you out?” Stanford guessed. Soos shook his head. “So you did all this yourself?”

 

“Well, I built the engine from a kit I got in the mail, but I had to make the boiler smaller so it would heat up faster.” As if on cue, the engine let off a whistle of steam and the pistons started running. The miniature engine chugged around the tiny track.

 

“That’s a smart idea. It’ll run out of steam faster, but you don’t  _ need _ it to run long for a two minute presentation.” Ford complimented him. “You’re a talented kid.”

 

“R-really?” Soos asked, flattered.

 

Stanford nodded. He knew how important it was for someone to appreciate your talents, and it was clear this kid didn’t have much in that department. He remembered when he was a kid, his unimpressed father and distracted mother didn’t really take notice of his interest in science until it became clear his genius could bring in some extra cash. Stanley was the only one who’d ever  _ really _ encouraged him.

 

At least until their senior year.

 

Ford tried to shake the thought from his head. Just because the science fair always left  _ him _ in a sour mood didn’t mean he had to go and ruin the experience for  _ this _ kid.

 

“Wow, thanks dood!” Soos said gratefully. “My cousin Reggie was totally wrong, you’re not scary, you’re actually really nice!”

 

Dr. Pines chuckled awkwardly (because he really had no idea how else to react to that) and handed the kid his evaluation paper.

* * *

  
  


It was less than a week later when a phone call woke Ford abruptly one Saturday morning. He’d come home late after a long night of searching the woods for the journals, and had probably only been asleep for a couple of hours when the phone rang.

 

“mStanford Pines…” He mumbled into the receiver.

 

“Dr. Pines, it’s me, Soos, I need your help!” A young, frantic voice answered. “Uh, I dunno if you remember me, I was the kid at the science fair with the steam engine. Anyway, my tia Luz is outta town this weekend I don’t know if this is enough of an emergency for 911 and I don’t wanna get in--”

 

“Whoa kid, slow down!” Ford cut into the boy’s rambling. How had he even gotten this number? “Start at the beginning.”

 

“Ok so this morning my Abuelita was making breakfast and I wanted to help her so I decided to make toast, but the toast burned, like,  _ way _ bad. But the smoke detector didn’t go off like it usually does when this happens. So Abuelita figures it’s out of batteries and decides to change it then before she forgets, right? But she can’t find the step-ladder so she--”

 

“Ok, not the  _ beginning _ beginning, just sum up what happened and what you need.”

 

“She fell and hit her head and she’s not  _ unconscious _ , exactly, but I don’t think she can drive and I didn’t know who to call and your name kinda popped into my head!” Soos said in one breath.

 

Ford’s first thought was to tell the kid to just call 911. But they were dealing with a concussion, so time was of the essence, and the boy had already wasted some of it calling the teacher. Plus, the kid was obviously distraught. Saying ‘no’ would only make things worse.

 

“Ok kid, just remain calm. What’s your address?” the scientist asked. Soos told him. “Alright, keep her comfortable but  _ awake _ until I get there.”

* * *

  
  


Ford arrived in just seven minutes. The house was easy to find. It was one of those places that make it obvious a kid was living there, with toys scattered all over the lawn. He hadn’t even reached the door when Soos opened it, the boy’s eyes red from crying.

 

“Where is she?” the scientist asked. Soos led him back into the kitchen, where the kid’s grandma was sitting on a chair. Her eyes were unfocused; Ford could see even from across the small room that her eyes were dilated.

 

“ Hola hombre misterioso. ¿Te gustaría sopaipillas?” She asked, handing him a bowl of cereal. Her voice was airy and dreamlike.

 

“Oh, uh, gracias.” Ford took the bowl and immediately set it back down. “She needs a doctor.” He said, turning to Soos.

 

“I know, that’s why I called you!” The boy replied, a disappointed tone in his voice. “You- you’re a doctor, right?  _ Dr. _ Pines?”

 

Stanford groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. So _ that’s _ why the kid had called him. “Kid I have a  _ doctorate in theoretical physics _ , not medicine! I hardly know a thing… uhg, just help me get her into the car.”

 

Ford took her hand gently and leaned down to talk with her. Not for the first time, he wished he’d taken some Spanish classes while he was at college. “Uh, ma’am, I’m going to take you to get help, can you stand?” He coaxed her up. She had a hard time keeping her balance, but between Ford and Soos they kept her upright and got her into the car. She muttered softly to herself as the teacher drove.

 

“I messed up, didn’t I?” Soos asked after a few awkward seconds.

 

“Oh, well…” Stanford didn’t want to make the kid feel worse, but this was not the right thing to do in an emergency. “You  _ really _ should have called 911 instead, but… you at least kept your wits about you enough to call  _ someone _ and take care of your grandma until help arrived. I’m sure the hospital will be able to take care of her and everything will be fine, so it all turned out ok in the end.”

 

“Oh, yeah.” The kid said, still a little glum. “I guess so.”

 

They pulled up to the hospital and Ford ended up spending almost two hours sitting with the Ramierez boy in the waiting room while the doctors checked up on his grandma. As the time wore on Soos became more comfortable with the old teacher and ended up chattering away about his hobbies. The kid rambled on about his favorite video games, both at home and at the arcade.

 

Stanford tried to do his best to relate. “Ah yes, I used to go to that arcade.” Back when he didn’t spend every waking moment worrying about the portal. “I used to quite enjoy video games when I was younger. One of my first repair jobs here was a Colecovision, and I think I’ve still got an Atari 2600 tucked away somewhere… if I haven’t gutted it for parts.”

 

“A what?” Soos asked, confused.

 

“Oh, those were the  _ original _ game consoles,” Ford explained “long before Nintendo and Sony even entered the playing field with their Gamecubes and Playstations.” He may not have had time for videogames anymore, but he kept abreast of current gaming trends by listening in on his students.

 

“Oh, my dad sent me a Gamecube for Christmas this year!” The boy squeaked excitedly.

 

“Well, that’s a pretty nice gift.”

 

“Uh… yeah…” Soos agreed, but his expression turned glum. “It _ is _ pretty nice but… it’s not what I  _ really _ wanted.”

 

Ford was surprised, Soos hadn’t struck him as the greedy spoiled type. “Oh, you’d rather have gotten a Playstation?”

 

“No!” The kid replied indignantly. “I… I just wanted my dad to come visit me for once.”

 

Stanford immediately felt horrible for jumping to conclusions. “Forget your dad! If he can’t be bothered to see you, he doesn’t deserve you.” He advised the boy.

 

Soos looked at him with a hurt expression and Ford realized that might not have been the most tactful thing to say.

 

“I-I… he wants to see me! He said in the Christmas card, he promised he’s coming for my birthday this summer! He  _ promised _ !”

 

The scientist at least knew better than to burst the kid’s bubble again, so he merely smiled sadly at the boy and said “Maybe he’ll bring you a Playstation when he comes.”

* * *

  
  


Soos’s father never came. It didn’t really surprise Stanford when he found the kid sitting on his porch in a funk that July. It wasn’t the first time a student had come to his house in the summer when they needed help, but Soos was certainly the youngest one yet. Ford tried to cheer up the kid by digging out his old Atari and playing some vintage games together. When that didn’t work, he showed the kid around the repair garage, which was mostly empty. He didn’t have much time to take on repairs these days. It was only natural that the boy gravitate to the largest and most obvious object in the room, even if it was tucked out to the side.

 

“Whoa, cool old car!” Soos exclaimed as he peeked under the white sheet at the shiny red paint-job underneath. “Why don’t you drive  _ this _ to work Dr. Pines?”

 

“It’s not mine.” Ford said hastily. “I’m hanging onto it for… for an old friend. Plus it’s not terribly eco-friendly or gas-efficient.”

 

“Oh. It  _ looks _ totally rad though.” 

 

“Yes, well, I’ve done my best to restore it to it’s former glory. It wasn’t in  _ nearly _ this good condition when he left- uh, when he left it with me.”

 

Soos walked around the car until he reached the back. He spied the button to open the trunk and got curious. “Hey, what’s in here?” He asked, his finger already on the button.”

 

“ _ Don’t touch that! _ ” Ford shouted. The boy jumped back, startled. Stanford regretted shouting the second he saw the kid’s scared face. “Sorry, uh, old cars, they’re dangerous. No child safety on the inside of the trunk. If you fall in, you might have to chew your way out.” He chuckled nervously.

 

“Okaaaaaay.” Soos said slowly as he backed away. “I think I’m gonna go home now.”

 

“Soos wait.” The teacher stopped him, “I’m sorry I yelled.”

 

“It’s ok dude, people yell sometimes. Earlier Abuelita yelled at my dad, and he wasn’t even on the phone with her or anything. Sometimes you just gotta let those emotions out. At least that’s what they say on TV.”

* * *

  
  


Soos came back to visit frequently over the years. When the young man turned 16, he needed a part-time job to help support his family, so Stanford re-opened his repair garage and hired Soos on as an assistant. The scientist insisted he’d been planning on reopening the garage for years, and Soos was too excited to have a real job to question it.

 

The teen impressed Ford. He’d always known Soos was mechanically talented, but this guy could fix anything! They ended up doing great business.

 

In just a few years Soos was ready to graduate from high school. Ford was very excited to help his young friend take the next big step in life.

 

“So where are you thinking of applying to?” Dr. Pines asked. “I don’t have a lot of connections to help you out, unfortunately. I know a guy at MIT… that’s, ah,  _ Minnesota _ Institute of Technology, but it’s still a good school. Oh, and Virginia Tech! I know it’s far, but there’s a lady there in the admissions office who graduated from Gravity Falls High back in ‘01, she could really help you out.”

 

“I was, uh, thinkin’ about stayin’ here actually.” Soos said.

 

“Oregon State, huh? Well, they’re not top of the pack, but you don’t  _ necessarily _ have to go to the best schools to be successful. Speaking from experience here. You  _ will _ have to work a lot harder.”

 

“No, I mean stay in Gravity Falls.”

 

Ford stared at his friend like he’d just spoken an alien language. 

 

“Dr. Pines, someone’s gotta take care of my Abuelita, and Reggie’s too busy chasing girls and stuff. I just don’t want her ending up in a nursing home or something.”

 

“Soos, there’s not even a community college out here!”

 

“I know. Maybe I can take online courses through Phoenix University or something. I’m always seein’ their ads online.”

 

“You’re not going to find a good job with just a high school diploma!”

 

“Well I was kinda hoping I could keep workin’ in the garage.”

 

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not going to change your mind, am I?”

 

“Sorry dude.” Soos shrugged.

 

“ _ Fine _ , just promise me you’ll take the online courses.”


	9. Brilliant but Lazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which history repeats itself and Ford over-reacts.

Fall of 2011 seemed to be as normal a start to the school year as any. Dr. Pines’ physics class was full of a variety of students, some interested in learning about science, some not. Stanford could easily pick out who was going to do well just by looking at how they sat in their chairs. That boy there in the front row, his books were stacked neatly beside him, but he was slumped into his chair tiredly, and his gaze glazed over. B- student if he ever saw one. Another girl in the front row, however, already had her papers spread all over her desk and was watching him intently. Promising. And another girl, sitting dead-center in the middle of the room, with her feet up on the desk and a bag of chips in her hand. Textbook slacker. In fact, her posture was a dead-ringer for how his brother used to sit in class…

 

Ford shook the thought from his mind and got on with introducing himself to the class. This was not the time to think about such things. As he took role, he learned the slacker girl’s name was Wendy Corduroy. Wow, he could still remember hiring her father to build his house. And now he was teaching the guy’s daughter. That certainly made him feel old. 

 

Of course,  _ many _ things made Ford feel old these days.

* * *

  
  


Dr. Pines’ least favorite thing about being a teacher was grading papers. It was more than just checking that each question had the right answers; it was checking to make sure that they used the right equations and actually did the calculations, and didn’t just look up the answer on Wolfram Alpha. 

 

He paused after quickly glancing over one student’s homework. 100%. No one else had gotten every question right on this assignment, at least not that he’d graded. Stanford looked at the name scrawled at the top of the page.  _ Wendy Corduroy _ . Wait, really? The  _ slacker _ girl? He set the paper aside and looked at the scores on all the others. No one else had 100%. Perhaps she’d copied work from multiple sources? No… her work didn’t look like anyone else’s. In fact, it looked like the simple shorthand of someone who was doing most of the calculations in their head.

 

It could be possible that the girl was much smarter than she’d originally let on.

* * *

  
  


“Wendy, could I speak with you after class?” Dr. Pines asked as the bell rang the next day. A chorus of ‘ _ ooooh _ ’s rang through the students. One boy held back at the door as the rest of his classmates left.

 

“You don’t have to wait for me, Robbie.” Wendy said with an annoyed eye-roll. The boy’s eyes widened and he left in a hurry.

 

She stood in front of his desk, looking as disinterested as she did during the lesson.

 

“Now, about your first homework assignment…” Stanford began.

 

“Let me guess, you think I cheated.” She interrupted.

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

“Whatever, I know how it goes.” the redhead said impatiently. “Just, give me a warning or write a note to my dad or whatever.  _ This’ll just be another class I won’t even have to bother with the homework… _ ” She muttered under her breath.

 

“Wendy, relax, I don’t think you cheated.” The teacher assured her. “I was going to ask if it wasn’t challenging enough for you.”

 

“...What?” The teen asked, not quite believing what she was hearing.

 

“You seem bored in class, and this homework is all done in shorthand.” Ford explained. “It seems like you already know all this stuff.”

 

“Nah, I’m just a fast learner.” She shrugged.

 

“Well, ideally I’d advance you to the AP Physics class, but since I can’t teach that class anymore,  _ budget cuts _ ,” He grumbled, “I thought I’d give you supplementary material with your homework.”

 

“Uh, Dr. Pines, I appreciate what you’re trying to do and all,” Wendy said apprehensively, “But I  _ like _ being able to get all my homework done in half-an-hour.”

 

“It wouldn’t necessarily be homework.” She still didn’t look convinced. “You could read it in class instead of paying attention to lecture.”

 

“Ok, I guess I’ll give it a shot.”

* * *

  
  


At first it seemed to be going well. Stanford would give her an extra, advanced question to go with Wendy’s advanced reading, and she would work it out with little to no problem. So Ford upped the difficulty even more, until he could tell from the many notes and scribbles on her worksheets that she was actually putting real effort into solving the problems. 

 

But there was no enthusiasm in Wendy’s work. One day Ford spied a corner of colorful paper sticking up between the pages of the scientific journal he’d given her. While the other students were working, he walked over to check on her.

 

“So Wendy, how’s the reading on magnetic fields?” He asked casually.

 

“Oh, it’s good.” She replied, equally casual.

 

“Really?” Ford reached down and pulled out a copy of  _ Indie Fuzz _ out from between the pages.

 

“Oh-ho, girl genius got  _ busted _ !” One of her friends chuckled beside her.

 

“Mind your own business, Nate.” Dr. Pines reprimanded him. The teacher turned back to Wendy. “What’s the matter, you don’t like magnets?”

 

She simply shrugged and went back to reading the article on magnetic fields like nothing had even happened.

* * *

  
  


“I don’t understand, you’ve got talent, you could be doing  _ college-level _ problems, but you seem content just to coast along!” Stanford ranted to her after class. Wendy, as usual, just shrugged it off.

 

“Just cuz I’m good at it doesn’t mean I’m  _ passionate _ about it like you, alright? Geez, you’re just like my dad!”

 

“Well what can I do to make it more interesting for you?”

 

“I dunno.” She shrugged again “Maybe a  _ monetary _ reward or something.”

 

“Don’t push your luck, kid.”

* * *

  
  


That weekend, Stanford explained the situation to Soos.

 

“Soos, I need your help. I don’t know what kids these days are interested in! What can I do to make her care about science?”

 

“Hmmm, have you tried telling her to watch  _ The Science Guy _ ?” His friend suggested.

 

“I’m afraid she may think herself above that.” 

 

“I dunno dude, it’s different for everyone.” Soos said. “Like,  _ I _ got into mechanics cuz I wanted to build my own videogames and help fix things up at home. Does she like videogames?”

 

“I honestly have no idea.” Ford admitted.

 

“Well, I know movies with explosions and stuff are pretty cool right now. Maybe show her how to make firecrackers or something?” The young mechanic reasoned.

 

Considering Wendy’s troublemaking nature, teaching her how to make firecrackers probably wasn’t a good idea. Stanford thought back to the magazine he’d found her reading. “She likes music, I think.”

 

“Cool, sound is physics stuff!”

 

“She’s bored with just the theoretical equations and work problems, I need something more exciting!” Ford exclaimed. Not for the first time, he wished he could show Wendy, show Soos, show  _ anyone _ the supernatural phenomena around Gravity Falls. One monster hunt and she’d be hooked.

 

“I  _ think _ I have an idea for that.” Soos assured him.

* * *

  
  


The first day back from Thanksgiving break, Dr. Pines found Wendy before class. He had a YouTube video pulled up on his phone.

 

“Look at this!” He showed her excitedly.

 

The teen watched the video with a smile. “Oh yeah, musical Tesla coil, I’ve seen these kinda videos.”

 

“How would you like to make one?”

 

“What, seriously?” Wendy asked, a spark of interest in her eye.

 

“Yes!” Ford exclaimed. “For this year’s science fair, you could build one!” 

 

“Woah, wait, I thought you  _ hated _ the science fair.” She pointed out.

 

“Oh… well…  _ hate’s _ a strong word.” Ford said awkwardly. “Anyway, this isn’t about me, it’s about you. Do you want to make your own musical Tesla coil?”

 

“Heck yeah dude, that sounds awesome!”

* * *

  
  


The three of them made a good team. Wendy looked up a design they could use online and did all the calculations. Soos built everything they needed. Dr. Pines provided the equipment and parts, as well as going over all of their work to make sure no one accidentally blew up the garage.

 

Once the coil was finished, they had to manipulate the frequency of the sparks it created in order to create tones. While Wendy was experimenting with the charge output, Soos was suggesting what songs they should use.

 

“Oooh, how about  _ You’ve Got a Nice Butt _ by He/She?” He said.

 

“Uhg, no!” the redhead groaned. “No rap! Beside the fact that the lyrics are dumb and repetitive, we need something with a lot of changing notes to show off what this baby can do!”

 

“Hmmm, maybe the theme from  _ Fight Fighters _ ?” Soos postulated.

 

“Heh, yeah, that could work. I think videogame music would go good with the electrical sound. Kinda retro, but cool and fun.” Wendy agreed.

 

“Why don’t you kids do an Electric Light Orchestra song?” Ford suggested with a chuckle. 

 

Wendy rolled her eyes. “Ok, that’s  _ too _ retro.”

 

“Nice pun though.” Soos complimented the scientist.

 

“Not really.” the girl groaned. She opened her web browser and looked up the frequency of all the notes on the chromatic scale, then began to write a program for her electrical output to translate to different notes.

 

“We’re going to have to set it up outside to test it.” Stanford said after looking it over. “Soos, do you think it’d fit in the back of your truck?”

 

“Proooooobably?” The mechanic said, his voice very unsure.

 

“We could fit it on one of my dad’s logging trucks, easy.” 

 

“Good, because we’re going to have to move it to the school parking lot eventually.”  Ford reminded them.

 

“Could probably get my brothers to help move it too.” Wendy said.

 

Ford gave her a funny look. He’d heard her complain about how destructive her brothers were. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

 

“Dude, this thing weighs a ton, we’re gonna need all the help we can get.” She reasoned.

 

“Right… of course.” Stanford nodded. He was being paranoid, as usual. It’d probably be fine… probably.

* * *

  
  


The 2012 Gravity Falls School District Science Fair finally rolled around, and things were looking good so far. The tests they’d run last night had all gone off without a hitch, and now all that was left to do was transport it over to the school and get all the wiring set up.

 

Dr. Pines had arrived at the school very early that morning to do last-minute work for the science fair, but once he had a spare moment, he slipped outside to see how things were going. There was Manly Dan, backing his truck up to the parking spaces nearest the gymnasium doors. Soos, Wendy, and her three brothers were all waving directions. Ford’s brilliant mind was now imagining all the millions of ways this could go wrong. 

 

_ I can’t watch. _ He thought. And yet he couldn’t look away. It was like a trainwreck. 

 

The truck was stopped and the three redheaded boys climbed up on the truck bed to lift the Tesla coil up. Ford clenched his teeth. One of those kids wasn’t even 10 years old!

 

“Guys, wait for dad to come help!” Wendy shouted up to them.

 

“Nah, we got it!” The oldest boy assured his sister.

 

“It’s no big deal for us.” The middle child agreed.

 

“I can do it! I’m strong like dad!” The youngest insisted.

 

The three boys lifted the great column of steel and wires and slowly tried to walk it down the ramp. Suddenly the youngest dropped his end to blow on his sore hands. The oldest tried to pull back on his end to compensate, but ended up over-correcting. He lost his balance, and tripped over the edge of the ramp, carrying the coil and his two younger brothers with him.

 

“Oh my gosh, are you guys ok?” Wendy yelped, running to check on the boys. The all gave affirmative groans. “Good.” She sighed, then whacked all three upside the head. “What the heck were you guys  _ thinking _ , I told you to wait for dad!”

 

Speaking of Dan, the commotion had drawn him away from trying to fix the Sev’ral Times sticker in his window. “What happened here?” he shouted.

 

“These crazy dorks couldn’t wait two minutes and nearly got themselves crushed!” Wendy explained.

 

As Manly Dan chewed out the three kids, Stanford could only watch in silence. He couldn’t believe this was happening. What were the chances? It was  _ just like _ \--

 

“Hey, Dr. Pines, you ok dude?” Soos asked him. “You look like you got, like, a major headache.” Ford hadn’t even realized that he was holding his hands up to his temples. He tried to reply, but he was still shocked speechless.

 

“Maybe you needa sit down for a minute.” Soos took the teacher by the arm and led him back into the gymnasium.

 

By the time the scientist had regained his wits, it was time for him to start judging the other students’ projects. Ford always seemed a bit dazed during the science fair, but this year was  _ especially _ bad. He left the most rehearsed and unhelpful comments on each evaluation form, and he accidentally came back to booths he’d already judged at least twice. At the end of the day there was only one project left to judge. The one he’d been avoiding all day. He took a deep breath and stepped out into the school parking lot.

 

They had managed to get the Tesla coil standing again, at least, but  there was a huge dent in the side, and it looked like Soos had duct-taped the head of the column back on. Wendy was standing a ways back with the controls, trying to get it to work. From the frustrated look on her face, it wasn’t going well.

 

“Can you at least get it to turn on?” Dr. Pines asked as he approached. A highschooler building their own Tesla coil was still pretty impressive, even if it couldn’t make music like they’d planned.

 

“No.” Wendy groaned. “Uhg, I think we missed a broken circuit when we tried to put it back together. I don’t have time to find it though!”

 

“ _ I’ve _ seen it working.  _ I’ll _ give you top marks.” The teacher tried to reassure her. “It won’t do any good with the judge from the state fair though.”

 

“Yeah, he already came by. Said I should try again next year.” 

 

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Wendy’s three brothers. She rolled her eyes. “Geez, you guys don’t--”

 

“Wendy, we’re really sorry!” The oldest said desperately. The two others nodded. Wendy opened her mouth to reply, but Stanford beat her to it.

 

“ _ Sorry _ !?” He snapped, “You ruin six months of hard work in a couple of seconds, and all you can say is  _ sorry _ !? She could have easily made it to state science fair with this, maybe even nationals! Scholarships to the best engineering schools in the country--”

 

“Woah, lay off them!” She yelled at the teacher. “It was just an accident! What makes you think you can tell off my family like that!?”

 

Ford froze. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me…” He stammered, and quickly left the scene. As he walked away, he could hear Wendy talking to the boys.

 

“Look, Barry, Stuart, Dean, you guys don’t have to keep apologizing to me. These thing happen. There’s nothing we can do about it now, so just don’t worry about it...”

* * *

  
  


The next day Wendy found Dr. Pines in his classroom, looking even more disheveled than usual.

 

“Hey, you doin’ alright?” She asked.

 

“Wendy, I am so sorry about yesterday--” He started.

 

“Man, I am so sick of people apologizing to me!” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t worry about it ok? You were super stressed and just had to let it out sometime. I get it. It’s fine, my brothers are used to getting yelled at.”

 

“It was still uncalled for.”

 

“Yeeeeah.” The teen agreed. They sat in silence for a moment.

 

“Honestly, I’m kinda glad I won’t have to worry about state science fair.” Wendy chuckled.

 

“You would have been great.” Ford assured her. It hurt to think about what might have been.

 

“Why do you even care so much?” The redhead asked. “Not just about the science fair, but about me? None of my other teachers have cared so much about… well, about  _ me _ caring.”

 

“You have a lot of potential.” Stanford said. It was true. It was only part of the whole truth.

 

“Pch, really,  _ that _ tired line?”

 

“I suppose… you remind me of myself at your age.” Again, true, but only part of it. More than himself, she reminded him so much of Stanley. Her laid-back demeanor. Her feisty attitude. Her troublemaking antics. Even some of her mannerisms. “I just don’t want you to end up making the same mistakes.”

 

“Hey, I think you’re doing pretty good as you are.” She assured him.

 

Ford gave a humorless laugh. “You have no clue all the stupid, terrible things I’ve done. You’re already a better person than me.”

 

“Wait, what?” Wendy gave a confused and incredulous laugh in return.

 

“You forgave your brothers right away.”

 

“Dude, they’re my family. I kinda have to.” She shrugged. “I know they seem like terrible little scuzzballs, but they’re  _ my _ terrible little scuzzballs, y’know?”

 

This conversation wasn’t making Stanford feel any better. “I wish I did.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I named Wendy's brothers after some guys from Peanutbuttergamer's Hardcore series.  
> "You've Got a Nice Butt" is a small reference to the How it Should have Ended video for Guardians of the Galaxy.


	10. Mabel's Forbidden Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mabel and Dipper finally arrive and find some very odd stuff.

Dipper Pines gave the most forlorn and obnoxious sigh possible while his mother helped him pack.

 

“You can moan all you want, you’re still going.” Mrs. Pines said flatly.

 

“If this is punishment for the time I accidentally downloaded that virus--” The boy began.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous honey,” She assured him as she placed a red T-shirt into his bag, “your father and I just think you and your sister have been spending too much time inside over the school year.”

 

“I spend plenty of time outside…” Dipper whined.

 

“What did you do yesterday,  _ besides _ play Minecraft?”

 

“Uh… watch YouTube....”

 

“About other people playing Minecraft.” His mother finished for him.

 

“But mom, none of us even  _ know _ Great Uncle Stanford!” Dipper decided to change the subject.

 

“That’s why it’ll be good for you kids  _ and _ for him too.” Mrs. Pines said. “You get a change in scenery, he gets a little help around the house, everyone gets some family bonding.”

 

“So we’re just gonna be stuck doing chores all summer?”

 

“No Dipper, it’s just…” His mother trailed off, carefully thinking of how she wanted to word this. “Apparently he… well, it was the 70’s, it would’ve been normal… let’s just say his mind isn’t what it used to be.” Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her son feel any better. “You’ll like him, he’s supposed to be a scientist!”

 

“I thought he was a teacher.” Dipper said.

 

“Well, maybe he’s a science teacher.” She shrugged. “Ok, are you sure that’s enough clothes?” The boy nodded. “Ok, let’s go check and see if Mabel’s all packed.”

 

The two of them left Dipper’s room and entered the bright and colorful one next door. There was an enormous pile of multicolored sweaters on the bed, but no sign of his twin sister.

 

“Dad, have you seen Mabel?” Dipper called down the hall to his father’s office.

 

“I think she’s in her room packing!” the man called back.

 

"No she's not!" Dipper replied. The boy’s head turned slowly. Had that pile of sweaters just twitched? 

 

Footsteps sounded as Mr. Pines walked down the hall to his daughter's room. “Huh, I could have sworn I heard her…”

 

“SNEAK ATTACK!” Mabel appeared in an explosion of colors as she burst out from under her pile of sweaters. “Three targets in one! My new personal best!”

 

“Woah-oh-oh” their dad chuckled. “Think you’ve got enough sweaters there, sweetheart?” 

 

“If not, I can always knit more when I get there!” the girl said proudly, ignoring her father’s sarcasm.

 

“Well you can’t just carry them all there, get them in your suitcase.” Mrs. Pines said with a smile.

 

Mable lifted the great pile of sweaters and shoved them into her suitcase, then put considerable effort into forcing the thing shut.

 

“Well that’s… one way to do it.” Dipper commented. “Is your swimsuit in there?”

 

She confidently raised a hand, then paused with an annoyed look on her face. “Ah man…”

* * *

  
  


“How do you fit all your stuff into one suitcase and a tiny dufflebag!?” Mabel asked jealously as she lugged her two huge suitcases out of the bus.

 

“Well for starters, I didn’t try to pack all the decorations from my room.” Dipper replied. He had graciously agreed to carry her large backpack for her. It definitely wasn’t because he was trying to prove his manliness after squeeing at the sight of a baby deer on the ride up.

 

“Here, why don’t I give you a hand with that?” the two kids turned to see a tall man with grey hair standing behind them.

 

“Uh, are you our Great Uncle Stanford?” Dipper asked nervously.

 

“That’s me.” He nodded with an equally nervous smile.

 

Mabel dropped her bags and ran up to give her distant relation a welcome-hug. “Grunkle Stan! It’s so nice to finally meet you! I’m Mabel!”

 

Her Grunkle gave a confused chuckle. “Uh, what was that?”

 

“Well, ‘Great Uncle Stanford’ is a mouthful! Grunkle Stan is a lot easier to say.” The girl reasoned.

 

“You can just call me Ford.” The old man told her.

 

“Grunkle Ford it is!” She beamed.

 

“Haha, yeah!” her brother agreed.

 

“And you must be Dipper.” Stanford extended a hand to the boy.

 

Dipper took the man’s handshake, then paused. Six fingers. His parents hadn’t mentioned that. Then Dipper  _ realized _ that he’d paused. Oh crap, what if he offended Ford? He was going to be living with this man for the next three months. He wanted to make a good first impression. The boy finished the handshake quickly. “Uhhh, yeah! Nice to meet you.”

 

“Alright, let’s get your stuff into the car.” The old man picked up a couple of bags and carried them off. 

 

_ Phew _ , he hadn’t noticed. Good. Dipper knew how awkward being different could be.

* * *

  
  


Grunkle Ford’s house was an old wooden cabin, far removed from the rest of the town. Mabel thought it looked like a fairytale cottage. Dipper thought it looked like the setting for a horror film. Next to the house was a smaller steel structure; a garage where their great uncle repaired everything from cars to computers to washing machines in his free time. 

 

The kids got settled in the room prepared for them in the attic. It was far from luxurious; the uncovered wooden walls splintered, and a goat had taken residence on Dipper’s bed. Mabel quickly covered her wall with posters and plushies, while her brother left his side of the room  _ au naturel _ .

 

Over the first two days the young twins were introduced to Soos and Wendy, two of Stanford’s old students who helped him with the garage. They were around a lot. Even when there weren’t any repair jobs to be done, Soos didn’t seem to have anything better to do, and Wendy said she liked to get out of her house.

 

Next Dipper and Mabel went out into the town to explore, but the anxious boy soon wished he hadn’t. Mabel was determined to flirt with every boy they came across, and in the most blatant and embarrassing ways possible.

 

“Mabel, could you dial down the boy-crazy stuff?” He asked his sister after a particularly silly ploy involving a rigged note. “You’re freaking people out!”

 

“Pbbbt! Nuh-uh!” The girl in the sweater scoffed. “Dipper, this is my first Summer away from home! My first chance to live my own life! My chance to find true love!”

 

“You’re twelve.”

 

“Doubt all you want, Doubty-McDoubterson, but I have a good feeling about this summer! I wouldn’t be surprised if the man of my dreams walked down the street  _ right now _ !”

 

A small man with big eyes, elephantine ears, a  _ huge _ nose, and weird mustache walked out of a building labeled  _ The Gravity Falls Gossiper _ . He struck a very awkward figure. “Howdy-doo new neighbor. Nyah.”

 

“Eyaugh!” Mabel ran away screaming, back in the direction of Grunkle Ford’s house.

 

“Uh, sorry!” Dipper apologized halfheartedly to the weird man before following her.

 

It was a twenty-minute walk back to the house, but with Mabel’s running they made it in ten. Dipper was exhausted and had to lie down on the ground.

 

“What’s gotten into you two?” Ford asked from his seat on the porch.

 

“Destiny just gave me a bad sign! Like the  _ worst _ sign ever!” Mabel panted.

 

Their Grunkle frowned. “There’s no such thing as destiny.” He said seriously.

 

“She’s just joking aro--hey!” Dipper was cut off when the goat from earlier bit onto his hat. “Give it back, Gompers!” The goat bleated, and took a few steps back from the yelling boy. He made a dive for the hat, but that just served to scare the goat into the woods. “Come back here!”

 

“Dipper, don’t go into the forest alone!” Stanford yelled after him, but the kid was either already out of hearing range or simply too preoccupied with retrieving his hat to care.

 

“He’ll be fine.” Mabel assured the old man. He gave her a worried stare. “Buuuut, if it makes you feel better, then Mabel is on the case!”

* * *

  
  


Dipper chased the goat a good distance into the woods. He’d finally cornered the thing against a large tree, just out of sight of the road leading back into town.

 

“Ok, easy Gompers, I just want my hat back…” He said slowly, even though it was clear the goat had already eaten more than half the brim. He charged forward suddenly, trying to catch the animal off-guard, but Gompers just jumped out of the way again.

 

_ Clang _ ! Dipper crashed into the tree.

 

Wait…  _ clang _ ?

 

Trees don’t clang…

 

Dipper felt the bark of the tree and found it wasn’t a tree at all, but a metal tower disguised to blend in with the forest. There was a seam in the artificial bark. The boy worked his fingers into the crack, opening a hidden panel. He played with the switches he found inside. Nothing seemed to happen at first. Then he heard Gompers bleat again.

 

Dipper turned to find the goat had dropped his hat, and picked up some kind of book from a box that had opened up in the ground.

 

“Hey! Gompers,  _ bad _ goat! Give it here!” he grabbed the book, but the goat still had the front cover in its mouth. Dipper pulled, and with a loud  _ rip _ , the book came free, leaving a good two thirds of the cover in the goat’s jaws.

 

“Uuuuhg, stupid goat…” The boy groaned, trying his best to clean up the strange book. It was bound in deep red leather, with gold trimmings on it. Some shape had been inlaid in gold on the cover, but Gompers had ripped off the top half, so it was hard to say what it was supposed to be. A boat? A handprint? A wing? A face? Unless he wanted to make that goat barf, he would probably never know. Some number had been written there, but the rip made it hard to make out. Probably a 3, but maybe a 5? A tiny magnifying glass was tied to the spine, like a ribbon bookmark. 

 

Dipper flipped it open and began to read.

 

> “ _ It’s hard to believe it’s been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon _ .” 

 

He read. “Woah… what is all this?” He stopped when he came to a page with  _ TRUST NO ONE! _ scrawled across the bottom.

 

> “ _ Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I'm being watched. I must hide this book before  _ he _ finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust. _
> 
>  

"No one you can trust…”

 

Further reading was interrupted by the arrival of Mabel. “HELLO!” She shouted right behind him, making her brother squeal and almost drop the Journal. “Whatch’a readin’? Some nerd thing?”

* * *

  
  


Dipper and Mabel ran back to the house. The boy was excited to show the mysterious book to his sister. He was just getting to the part where the writing suddenly stopped when the doorbell rang.

 

“Who’s that?” He asked.

 

“Welp, looks like it’s time to spill the beans!” Mabel knocked over a can of beans she had undoubtedly set there just to make that pun. “Boop! Beans.  _ This _ girl’s got a date! Woot woot!”

 

“Wait, while I was chasing a goat you  _ found a boyfriend _ ?”

 

“Yep! I have an  _ uncanny _ talent for these things!  _ Woo-oo-ooo _ !” She shook her loose sleeves above her head in a crude imitation of a ghost. She got up to answer the door. 

 

Dipper hid away the Journal under his seat cushion. This wasn’t the kind of thing he wanted to share with some random guy Mabel’d picked up off the street.

  
  


Stanford came downstairs at the sound of the doorbell. He found Dipper sitting in the recliner, staring at a TV that was not even turned on.

 

“Who’s at the door?” The scientist asked.

 

“Mabel’s new boyfriend.” Dipper said, rolling his eyes.

 

“Oh, uh… good for her, I suppose.” Ford said awkwardly. He was used to highschoolers having boyfriends, but middleschoolers? “Isn’t… isn’t she a bit young?”

 

“Try telling  _ her _ that.”

 

“Hey family!” Mabel came in dragging a tall boy in a dirty black hoodie. “Meet my new boyfriend!”

 

“‘Sup” The stranger said. 

 

“Hey.” Dipper gave his usual simple greeting.

 

Ford narrowed his eyes and took a close look at the guy. Really? Who did those gnomes think they were fooling? This was their most elaborate scheme to steal human food yet. But how was he going to break this to Mabel? He couldn’t just tell her ‘Your boyfriend is actually a stack of gnomes’. As long as the Society of the Blind Eye was still active, he couldn’t risk telling these kids  _ anything _ about the supernatural creatures in Gravity Falls. But he wasn’t about to let these gnomes use his niece.

 

“What’s your name?” Dr. Pines asked suspiciously.

 

“Uh… normal… man…” The head gnome was putting on a deep voice, trying to sound as human as possible.

 

“He means Norman.” Mabel said dreamily.

 

“Uh-huh.” Ford stepped over and put a large hand on her shoulder, pulling her away from the fake teenager. “Mabel, you can’t date this boy, I forbid it!”

 

“ _ What _ !?” she asked incredulously. “Wh-why not? You’re not even going to give him a chance?”

 

“He’s a troublemaker. I can tell these things, I’m a teacher.” Technically true, but not the whole truth. “Now, get out of my house, and don’t come back, you all understand?” 

 

The disguised gnomes staggered out the door, sharing a lingering glance with Mabel before going.

 

“I-I can’t  _ believe _ you Grunkle Ford!” Mabel half yelled, half sobbed at him. “He was my first boyfriend, and you just… just turned him away before I even had a chance to get to know him! How could you be so  _ cruel _ ?” She ran up the stairs to the attic in a dramatic huff.

 

“Woah…” Dipper breathed as the two Pines men watched her go.

 

“I was too harsh on her, wasn’t I?” Stanford asked. He couldn’t treat these two like his students. They were younger,  _ and _ they were his family.

 

“Oh, uh, yeah, I guess…” Dipper stammered, “But,  _ you _ noticed there was something off about that guy too?"

 

Oh boy. This kid was smart, he'd figure it out on his own if he kept digging. How was Ford going to throw him off the trail?

 

"Well, he's just a typical goth teen." Ford lied. "Not at all your sister's type, I think."

 

“No, I mean like… there was something really  _ weird _ about him! I think he had blood on his face!” Dipper persisted. “And--and the way he walked!  What if he’s like… y’know, not  _ human _ ?”

 

The kid’s instincts were right on the money, but Stanford couldn’t let him know that. If Dipper knew about the stranger side of Gravity Falls, that could put him in a lot of danger. Not just from the Blind Eye, but from the other supernatural being in the area. Ford knew from experience, once you found yourself involved with the paranormal, more and more seemed to pop up everywhere.

 

“Dipper, I know this place can seem creepy at times, but there’s no solid scientific documented evidence of paranormal  _ anything _ in Gravity Falls.” He’d been lying about this stuff for most of his life, but he still felt a twinge of guilt. It didn’t feel right to shoot down the kid when he was so close to the truth.

 

The boy shifted in his seat, but dropped the subject…

* * *

  
  


Mabel was sitting in the attic, moping, when she heard something knock against the window. She peeked out to see Norman standing just on the edge of the forest, just in view of the window. He waved her down jerkily.

 

The colorful girl gasped and nodded, running out the door and down the stairs. She had almost made it outside when she bumped into Dipper.

 

“Hey, where’er you going?” Her brother asked. He was holding that Journal he’d found earlier.

 

“Norman’s waiting for me outside!” She whispered excitedly.

 

“What? No, Mabel, Grunkle Ford said--”

 

“I know! Forbidden love! Isn’t it romantic?”

 

“Mabel, that’s what I was coming up to tell you! Norman is  _ not _ what he seems!”

 

She gasped. “D’you think he’s a vampire? That would be so awesome!”

 

Dipper shook his head. “Guess again, sister! Sh-bam!”

 

“Uuuh…” She wasn’t sure what to make of the gnome page.

 

“Oh wait sorry…” He turned a couple of pages. “Sh-bam!”

 

“A zombie? That’s not funny, Dipper!”

 

“No, I’m serious!” He insisted.

 

Mabel groaned. “Uhg, Norman’s waiting for me, I don’t have time for your crazy conspiracies!” She pushed past him and out to the waiting stranger. The two of them hurried off to their date before Ford could notice she was gone.

 

“Nonononono!” Dipper ran around to the garage, where he found Soos and Wendy fixing up an old golf cart. “Guys! Where’s Grunkle Ford?”

 

“I dunno.” Wendy shrugged. “Taking a nap or whatever he does most afternoons.”

 

“Augh, alright. I need to borrow the golf cart to save my sister from a zombie!”

 

Wendy tossed him the keys nonchalantly. “Try not to hit any pedestrians.”

 

“Oh, dude, if you’re going up against zombies…” He picked out a shovel from the tool shed “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!”

 

Dipper smiled. “Thanks.”

* * *

  
  


Dipper hadn’t traveled far before he heard Mabel’s screams. His heart leapt into his throat. Oh no! What if he was too late? No, no, he couldn’t give up hope yet. He had to save her!

 

He followed the sound of her screaming into a strange, glowy part of the forest that was more fungus than wood. Soon he came upon a clearing where he found Mabel and, instead of the zombie Norman, a bunch of gnomes.

 

“What the  _ heck _ is going on here!?” He asked, completely confused.

* * *

  
  


The young twins managed to get almost all the way back to Grunkle Ford’s house before the giant gnome constructed of regular gnomes caught up to them. Then the thing swung a tree at them and managed to knock their golf cart over.

 

“Stay back, man!” Dipper yelled at Jeff, throwing his shovel. The gnome construct just punched it out of the air.

 

“It’s the end of the line, kids!” Jeff cackled. “Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!”

 

“Uh… there’s gotta be a way out of this…” The boy pulled out the Journal and flipped through the pages, trying to find a quick solution.

 

“I gotta do it.” Mabel said, her voice not defeated, but determined.

 

“What!? Mabel are you  _ crazy _ ?” Dipper hissed.

 

“Trust me for once!” She whispered back. She seemed to have a plan. So Dipper gulped, nodded, and took a step back. “Ok Jeff, I’ll marry you.”

 

“Hot diggity dog!” Jeff exclaimed, and he awkwardly made his way down the gnome construct. Once he reached the bottom he pulled out an admittedly nice wedding ring. “Eh? Eh? Now let’s get you back into the forest, honey!”

 

“You may now kiss the bride!” Mabel said coyly. Dipper almost puked. Jeff looked like Christmas had come early. 

 

“Don’t mind if I do!” the head gnome leaned in for some smooching.

 

Mabel smirked and pulled out a leaf blower from under a pile of leaves. She flicked the thing onto reverse, pulling the unwitting gnome in. “That’s for lying to me!” She increased the power. “ _ That’s  _ for breaking my heart! And this…” She handed the leaf blower over to Dipper, “Is for messing with my brother! You wanna do the honors?”

 

“Let’s do it together.” He suggested. “On three. One, two…”

 

“Three!” The said together, turning it back to blow, full force. Jeff was propelled into the gnome construct like a missile, and the whole thing exploded in a burst of pointy red hats and tiny beards. With their leader taken out, the rest of the gnomes scampered back into the forest.

 

“Hey Dipper…” Mabel said as they watched the last gnome get dragged off by Gompers. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you or Grunkle Ford earlier. You really were just looking out for me.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Besides, you totally just saved our lives!” Her twin reassured her.

 

“I guess I’m just sad my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes…”

* * *

  
  


Stanford came outside to check on the kids. They’d been almost  _ too _ quiet all afternoon, and then suddenly there’d been a few big crashes he could hear all the way from down in the portal lab. He’d rushed outside, only to find nothing but the two children hugging awkwardly.

 

“What was all that noise?” He asked worriedly.

 

“Oh uh… we crashed the golf cart.” Dipper explained haltingly. “While… messing around with the leaf blower?”

 

Ford looked over at the cart lying on it’s side. Wow, twelve-year-olds were more destructive than he thought. “Well… at least nobody got hurt, right?”

 

“Yup!” The kids agreed simultaneously, with enormous, strained grins on their faces. That wasn’t suspicious at all.

 

The three of them walked into the house, and Ford glanced at a posty-note stuck on the stairs’ rail near his eye-level.

 

“Oh, right! While I have you two here, I wanted to tell you something.” He knelt down and looked at the girl. “Mabel, I’m sorry for being so… well, _ blunt _ with you earlier. The _ last _ thing I wanted was to make you upset.”

 

“It’s OK Grunkle Ford, you were right about Norman. He was nothing but trouble.” Mabel reassured him.

 

The scientist was surprised. Had she found out about the gnomes? No, she would have said something about it… wouldn’t she?

 

He pushed it to the back of his mind. “Well, I’m sorry you had to learn that the hard way.” He turned to the boy “And Dipper, I’m sorry about Gompers eating your hat. That goat is always eating things he shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to get rid of him. So… here.” He picked up a blue and white hat that’d been sitting on the end of the stair’s rail.

 

“Ah, thanks!” Dipper exclaimed and pulled the hat on. It fit just how he liked it, snuggly covering his birthmark. “You didn’t have to buy a new one for me.”

 

“Oh, it was no trouble.” Ford assured him. “It’s from the school. They’re always giving me merchandise with that pinetree stamped on it. Hats, jerseys, coffee mugs, big foam fingers…”

 

“Well I like it, so... thanks.” 

 

“Haha, you  _ already _ said thanks, you dork!” Mabel giggled.

* * *

  
  


Later that night Dipper was writing his own entry in the Journal while Mabel jumped on her bed. He had just wrote “leaf blowers” on the gnomes’ page, in the blank for weaknesses.

 

“Hey Mabel, how did you know that leaf blower trick would work?”

 

“Well, it works on the squirrels back home!”

 

“...Huh.” He smiled. Maybe he couldn’t trust anyone in Gravity Falls. But Mabel wasn’t from Gravity Falls.

 

She was his twin sister.

 


	11. Monster Hunt!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mabel and Dipper do some more adventuring and Ford feels guilty about his old friend's circumstances.

The first thing Mabel noticed in Grunkle Ford’s house was all the books and computers. When they’d first arrived, Dipper had looked like he was in heaven, but Ford had quickly warned the boy that none of these computers were for gaming. They were strictly for research purposes. The books were also largely peer-reviewed scientific journals, although there were a handful of mystery books Dipper had managed to find.

 

The next thing Mabel didn’t notice at first, but became more and more obvious the longer she was there, was the amount of posty-notes everywhere. They were scattered here and there on the walls and the stairs’ railing and on mirrors, which was a  _ bit _ odd, but not unheard of. But then they started showing up in the weirdest places. In the cupboards and closets, sticking out between the pages of books, and even in the fridge. While some of them were just simple reminders (Eggs expire 6/13) others appeared to be written in gibberish (Qhz sduwv frplqj wklv zhhnhqg) or were just a string of numbers (19-8-5-18-13-25’19 7-11-9-4-19 14-1-13-5-19: 4-9-16-16-5-18 1-14-4 13-1-2-5-12).

 

“Dipper, have you noticed all the weird posty-notes everywhere?” She asked her brother at breakfast that morning.

 

“Yeah, but mom  _ did _ say Grunkle Ford’s mind ‘wasn’t what it used to be’. Sometimes old people forget stuff, so they need to write it down.” Dipper reasoned.

 

“But some of them are just numbers and stuff! Look” She handed him a note she had pulled from off the cereal box.

 

“Huh…” the curious boy took a closer look. “Looks like a code or something. Why would he leave posty-notes in code?”

 

Mabel shrugged.

 

“I think there’s a page on codes in th--” Dipper suddenly clammed up at the sound of Ford walking into the kitchen.

 

“Hey kids, how’s your morning been?” He asked cheerfully.

 

“Oh, uh, I was just showing Mabel this thing I saw in Wacky News.” The boy changed topics suddenly, pulling out a black and white magazine.

 

“Whoa!” She gasped. “Human-sized Hamster Balls!?”

 

“What? No, the other page.” He pointed to an ad for a photo contest. The picture of the weirdest thing would win a prize of a thousand dollars. Last year’s prize winner was a guy taking a selfie with a rather hairy man. “We see weirder stuff than this out here!”

 

Ford shook his head as he rummaged through the pantry, pulling out canned food. “The weirdest stuff out here are the locals.” And that was sort of true. Stanford had a much easier time understanding the machinations of the paranormal than the day-to-day workings of Gravity Falls’ townsfolk. 

 

As their Grunkle noisily bussied himself gathering up food, Dipper leaned over to whisper. “Did you get any pictures of those gnomes yesterday?”

 

“No, but I could draw one!” Mabel said.

 

“Don’t think that’ll cut it.” the boy said.

 

Where else could they find a good weird thing to photograph? The woods? Nah. Sure, there was plenty of stuff there, but the thick underbrush made it almost impossible to find. Where else was there plenty of wildlife? ? The lake!

 

“Grunkle Ford, could we go down to the lake today?” Dipper asked.

 

“Hmm?” The old man looked up from searching through the pantry. “Sure, I just need to run an errand first.”

 

“Yay!” Mabel cheered. “Errand adventure!”

 

Ford gathered up all the cans he had collected, along with a loaf of bread, jar of peanut butter, and tube of sunblock. He dropped them in a bag along with a set of new cloths.

 

“What’s that for?” Dipper asked him.

 

“You’ll see.”

* * *

  
  


The car pulled over next to the Gravity Falls dump. Stanford could see the young twins share a confused glance in his rear-view mirror. This  _ was _ a weird place to run an errand. It would have made more sense if he were dumping some scrap from the repair shop, he should have thought of that. Instead he had this bag of food and clothes. Oh well, he’d have to explain to them later.

 

They all got out of the car. Dipper was about to ask a question, but Ford motioned for him to be quiet. The scientist peaked around the fence to check the inside of the dump. No sign of anyone. Good. He waved the kids in and snuck towards a small structure made of junk in the middle of the yard. He couldn’t hear anyone. He gave a sigh of relief and set the bag of goods down in front of the hanging cloth that passed as a door.

 

“Looks like he’s not home.” he said.

 

“Who?” Mabel asked.

 

“Someone  _ lives _ here?” Dipper asked in disbelief.

 

“Fiddleford McGucket. He’s an old homeless man.” Stanford explained. “I just… do what I can to help.” He suddenly found himself at a loss for words. “Come on, we’d better go before he sees us.”

 

“Why?” Mabel inquired.

 

“He won’t take it.” ... _ if he knows it’s from me _ . Ford finished in his head. Most of the time Fiddleford didn’t even recognize him anymore, but when he did it was always a toss-up how he’d react. Sometimes with fear and anger, yelling at Stanford to leave him alone. Sometimes with guilt, trying to avoid him. Sometimes with a cheerful greeting, like nothing had ever happened between them.

 

“Why even bother then?” Dipper wondered.

 

Ford sighed. He’d asked himself that question many times. He knew McGucket never took the clothes, regardless of whether his old partner knew who they came from or not, yet he still included them when he could.

 

“Because it’s a selfless act of service, Dipper!” Mabel answered for him. “Grunkle Ford’s a good person!”

 

Stanford frowned at that. No he wasn’t. This wasn’t selfless at all. It was a futile effort to assuage his own guilt. 

* * *

  
  


If Stanford had been hoping the lake would take his mind of McGucket, he was sadly mistaken. He’d no sooner set out a picnic blanket on the beach when the crazy old coot came running through the crowd (it seemed like the whole town was there today) in a loud panic.

 

“I see’d it! I see’d it again!” He ran through, pushing people aside and toppling fishing equipment. He finally came to a stop outside the fishing license office, where he began dancing frantically.

 

“Aaaw, he’s doing a happy jig!” Mabel cooed.

 

“No!” McGucket got right up in her face. “It’s a jig of great danger!” 

 

“Hey, hey!” A middle-aged man stepped out of the office and sprayed down the old coot with a squirt-bottle. “What’d I say about scaring off my customers? This is your last warning, dad!”

 

“But I’ve got proof, by-gummity!” He scampered down the dock and pointed to a pile of driftwood that might have been a smashed boat. “It’s the Gobblewonker what did it! It smashed m’boat to smitheroons and shimmy-shammed off to Scuttlebutt Island! It had a long neck like a gee-raff, and--” He halted when he locked eyes on Stanford. Suddenly McGucket shrieked “You! You stay away from me! You’ll doom us all!  _ You’ll doom us all _ !”

 

And with that, the old coot fled, disappearing into the confused crowd.

 

“I’m sorry you kids had to see that.” Ford said tensely. The kids didn’t seem to notice him or his tone of voice, they were too busy conspiring together.

 

“Mabel, did you hear that!?” Dipper asked excitedly, “With a picture of the lake monster, we’d win that photo contest for sure!”

 

“We could  _ both _ have human-sized hamster balls!” She squeed.

 

“Grunkle Ford, forget the picnic, let’s get on a boat and find the Gobblewonker!” The boy told his guardian.

 

“Monster hunt!” Mabel cheered. Dipper soon joined in. “Monster hunt! Monster hunt! Monster hunt!”

 

“Sorry kids, I haven’t got a boat.” Ford informed them. “And besides, there’s no monsters in this lake. Not unless you count invasive species choking out the native wildlife. Maybe you can help me take water samples instead.”

 

“Uuuuuh… not that that doesn’t sound fun, buuuut…” Mabel stammered, then whispered to her brother “Dipper, how do we get out of this?”

 

As if on cue, a horn blared, and a boat labeled  _ S. S. Cool Dude _ pulled up beside them on the dock.

 

“Sup hambone?” Soos called down to the girl in the sweater. “You dudes say somethin’ ‘bout a monster hunt?”

 

“Yeah-ha!” Dipper laughed, “You-you’d give us a ride out to the Island?”

 

“What are friends with boats for, dude?” The young man said. “Well, fishing too, I guess. And maybe if you wanted like, to go tubing or wake-boarding.”

 

The young twins clambered up into Soos’s boat and pulled on life jackets. 

 

“Grunkle Ford, aren’t you coming?” Dipper asked when he noticed the old man hadn’t come aboard.

 

“Ah, no, I… I’ve got to take those water samples.”

 

“Oh come on Grunkle Ford!” Mabel coaxed, but Soos put a hand on her shoulder to quiet her.

 

“Suit yourself dude! See ya!” With that they took off.

 

“He didn’t wanna come with us…” the girl said with a disappointed sigh.

 

“Yo, don’t take it too personally hambone.” Soos comforted her. “Dr. Pines has always had this weird thing about monsters and stuff. Like, I’m always noticing strange stuff in this town, but whenever I bring it up he’s just like ‘There’s no such thing as werewolves or whatever Soos.’ and gets all grumpy and frowny and stuff.”

 

“Isn’t he  _ usually _ like that?” Dipper pointed out.

 

“Yeah, but I mean like, more than the normal amount. So basically, if you wanna go on a monster hunt, you’re better off lettin’ your uncle stay behind and do his own thing.”

* * *

  
  


Stanford didn’t care that they’d left without him. Not one bit. Of course not. It’d been his choice, technically, so why should he be upset? They were with Soos, so why should he be worried? He threw the water monitor into the lake with much more force than necessary. It splashed a small wave of water onto him. He gave a frustrated grunt.

 

“Pines.” A familiar voice said behind him.

 

“Hello Tate.” Dr. Pines turned to see Fiddleford’s son. “How is he?”

 

“You saw him.” The stoic young man said.

 

“Right…” Ford rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry. But, I meant… is he taking care of himself?”

 

Tate scoffed. “He lives in the dump, what do you expect?” 

 

“You haven’t been visiting him, have you?” No response. “Tate, he’s your own father!”

 

“What am I supposed to do, huh?” The man asked tersely. “He won’t listen to me, he barely understands what’s going on around him anymore! He’s constantly causing trouble. I can’t stand it anymore! I hate seeing him like this. I have my own life to live, I can’t keep dropping everything to take care of my dad!”

 

“At least he always remembers who  _ you  _ are.” Ford pointed out.

 

“Because he never  _ wanted _ to forget me.” Tate said. “ _ I _ never did anything to scare him witless.”

 

Stanford turned away. He may not be able to see the young man’s eyes, but he could feel their stare boring into him. Tate McGucket was probably the only person in town who remembered Stanford Pines as a paranormal researcher, not a physics teacher. Ford knew Tate blamed him for what had happened to Fiddleford, and he had every right to hate him. But the two of them had been working together for years to try and help the old coot. Even though he usually refused charity and often squandered, threw away, or lost what he did accept.

 

“If you ever need help--” Ford started.

 

“There’s nothing you or I  _ can _ do to help.” Tate stated simply. “I’ve come to accept that. All we can do is just let him go on not remembering. He seems happier that way.”

 

Dr. Pines scowled. “That’s Blind-Eye talk.”

 

“I know.” The man grimaced. “If you ever find a way to reverse what he’s done to himself, I’ll take it back. But given it’s been almost 30 years, I am  _ not _ confident in your success.”

* * *

  
  


After heading back to shore to get sunblock, bait and more cameras than any person could reasonably need, the trio of monster hunters arrived at the island. Mabel and Soos had begun rapping to pass the time. Under different circumstances, the boy would have laughed goodnaturedly at them, or even joined in. But instead he remained tense and alert. That uncomfortable feeling he’d had since arriving in Gravity Falls, that he was being watched, had grown. It was this island. It felt strange, almost like the very ground was alive.

 

“Dipper, take a verse!” Mabel poking him in the back. The nervous boy jumped a foot in the air. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.”

 

“Wha--uh, I’m not scared.” Dipper scoffed.

 

“Pch, yeah you  _ are _ !” his sister insisted, poking his nose.

 

“No--” He was cut off as she poked his nose again. “Mabel stop!”

 

Their arguing was interrupted by a rumbling growl. They all froze.

 

“Soos, please tell me that was your stomach.” Dipper said flatly.

 

“Nah dude, my stomach sounds more like whale noises.”

 

“It must be the Gobblewonker!” Mabel exclaimed with a big grin. “Yes!”

 

Her enthusiasm was infectious. Soon the young twins were excitedly punching each other as they snuck towards the noise. Only Soos remained alert, grabbing a long log to use as a weapon should the need arise.

 

They came upon a small bay, but rather than the Gobblewonker, they found a family of adorable beavers. The sound had been coming from a beaver with a rusty old chainsaw.

 

“Dude, if ‘beaver with a chainsaw’ doesn’t win the photo contest, the thing is rigged.” Soos said, and proceeded to take pictures.

 

“We left Grunkle Ford behind for nothing…” Mabel said sadly, kicking a rock into the water.

 

Instead of a splash, they heard a thud. Dipper held up the lantern, trying to see further into the fog. A blurry figure of a long-necked monster was revealed.

 

“Omigosh guys this is it!!” the boy yelped in excitement, pulling out one of his many cameras. But before he could line up a shot, Soos had picked him up and pulled him back. Just in the nick of time, too, as the Gobblewonker lunged forward, snapping at where he had been a second before.

 

“Run!” The eldest of the trio shouted, and run they did. All the way back to the boat. And yet the lake monster was on their tail the whole way. They were at least able to get into the boat and start it up before the thing splashed into the water behind them. Soos pulled a fancy maneuver and swung the boat around as the wave the Gobblewonker created crashed into them. The  _ S.S Cool Dude _ shot off at full speed.

 

“Dude, did we lose it?” Soos asked, too busy dodging smaller boats at high speeds to look back.

 

“Uh, I think so.” Mabel said. She couldn’t see anything behind them anymore.

 

Dipper looked down at the water, and saw a trail of bubbles and a dark shape keeping pace just behind them. “No, wait! Hand me one of the extra cameras!”

* * *

  
  


Ford was still sitting on the picnic blanket, trying to read a book, but his mind kept wandering, alternating between worrying about the kids or McGucket. His eyes kept wandering to the lake, where he could just make out Soos’ boat moored to the shore of Scuttlebutt Island. 

 

This time when he looked up, the boat had moved. It was now speeding around like a racer, weaving in-and-out of the other boats on the lake. What were those kids up to? Suddenly, a fishing boat behind them was overturned, like something big had swam under it. Stanford stood with a start and pulled a pair of binoculars out of the picnic basket.

 

No… it couldn’t be!

 

Bubbles on the water.

 

He ran to the fishing license office, yelling. “Tate! It’s back! I just saw--”

 

“Bubbles on the lake.” The man met him at the door. “I know, I saw it too. We need to evacuate the lake.” He moved to a BLM boat moored by the office. “Get in.”

 

“My great-niece and nephew are out there.” Ford informed the ranger worriedly as he climbed aboard.

 

Tate nodded. “We’ll find ‘em after we get everyone else cleared off.” He picked up a microphone attached to a set of loudspeakers. “ **Attention all lake patrons, this is an evacuation! I repeat, this is an evacuation! Please proceed calmly and quickly to the shore!** ”

 

“What the heck are we evacuating for!?” Manly Dan called out across the water, with no need for a microphone.

 

“ **DON’T ASK QUESTIONS, JUST GET OFF THE WATER** !” The ranger yelled back.

 

Everyone complied rather quickly after that. Tate McGucket was not one who normally raised his voice. This must be serious.

 

In less than a minute the lake was clear of all but two boats. The BLM patroler, and the S. S. Cool Dude. Soos’s boat had just rounded a peninsula, headed towards the waterfall. A trail of bubbles followed them at an alarming speed.

 

Tate gunned the engine, and they sped off, catching up in just a minute. They were indeed headed  _ straight _ for the waterfall. Did they know about the cave back there? Suddenly, Ford had an idea. He grabbed the microphone and called out to the others. “ **Soos! Cut the engine and swerve to the side right before the waterfall!** ”

 

He could see all three turn with a start. They’d been so scared of the monster pursuing them they hadn’t noticed the other boat. 

 

“Oh man, I dunno if I remember any semaphore… uh…” He could barely hear Soos say. The manchild turned away from the boat controls and pulled a couple of flags out from under a seat.

 

“ _ I got it _ !” Mabel shouted, taking the controls. As they came upon the waterfall, she followed her Grunkle’s instructions. As the water shallowed, the monster was revealed. A great, grey plesiosaur-like creature. The Gobblewonker. Not the Island-Head.

 

“Well,  _ that’s _ not what I was expecting.” Ford muttered as the creature shot under the waterfall and wedged itself in the small cave opening. As he’d predicted, it became stuck, unable to move forward into the cave, but unable to maneuver itself back out either.

 

Dipper frantically searched for a camera, until Mabel pulled one from under his hat. “Yes! This is perfect!” The boy cheered as Ford and Tate pulled their boat up to the  _ S. S. Cool Dude _ . “Look Grunkle Ford, a  _ real _ lake monster! What do you say to that!?”

 

Ford’s mind was racing, trying to figure out all the explaining he was going to need. Then suddenly there was a rumble and a  _ thunk _ , as though the Gobblewonker had caused a cave-in on the other side of the waterfall. Suddenly it stopped moving, but it made an odd, almost  _ mechanical _ sound as it did so.

 

Mabel gasped and covered her mouth with a hand. “Did we…  _ kill  _ it?” She asked, her voice cracking.

 

“No, I don’t think…” Dipper murmured, and climbed onto the nearest flipper, which was touching their boat. “Just a second, let me check something.”

 

“Dipper, please be careful!” Ford cautioned him. 

 

“It’s ok, I got this!” The boy assured him. He reached the body of the beast and tapped it experimentally.  _ Clang clang. _

 

It wasn’t a real Gobblewonker after all! It was just a machine! And suddenly, all the pieces clicked in Stanford’s brain. “Oh no…” He slapped a large hand to his forehead. 

 

Dipper continued to climb until he found a hidden hatch in the fake monster’s side. He pulled it open and gasped. “Guys, come check this out!”

 

Ford and Tate both gave exasperated sighs. Better get this over with.

 

The five of them gathered around the opening, where a very flustered and confused Old Man McGucket  sat at an elaborate home-made control console. “Aw,  _ banjo-polish _ …” He muttered as he looked up at the people around him.

 

“Oh Fiddleford, not  _ again _ …” Stanford groaned.

 

“What!?” Dipper exclaimed. “How… what do you mean  _ again _ !? How’s this possible?”

 

“It ain’t that hard!” Fiddleford explained cheerfully. “All ya gotta do is rig up a waterproof exoskeleton, then the mechanics are pretty easy. Hardest part’s steerin’ the dern thing. I finally figured a brainwave generator was the best way for jus’ one pilot.”

 

“Yeah but… why?” Mabel asked. “Why go through all the trouble?”

 

The old man looked up at his son, bottom lip quivering. “I… I jus’ wanted attention.”

 

“What!?” The young twins exclaimed.

 

“Well, nobody pays me any mind anymore. Even my own son seems to be avoiding me these days. So I figured I’d jus’ build this here robot and make a scene, then they’d  _ have _ to pay attention to me! And… and it _ worked _ , didn’t it?”

 

Tate looked about as shocked as his stoic exterior would allow. “Dad, why didn’t you just  _ say  _ something? If I’d known it was this bad…”

 

“Aw, y’know I’m better with robot than words.” The old coot said, abashed. “And ‘sides, every time I come to talk, y’look so sad.”

 

The kids looked at Ford. His face was plastered with sadness and sympathy for the old coot. A guilty feeling sunk in their hearts. Maybe they should be spending more time with their older family member too. Maybe  _ he _ wasn’t quite communicating to them his need for attention.

 

“So… uh, you still up for that picnic?” Dipper asked as they puttered back to shore.

 

“Hmm, you three sure you wouldn’t rather hunt for ancient reptiles?” Ford replied.

 

“ _ You’re _ the only ancient reptile  _ we’re _ interested in!” Mabel joked.

 

And so they spent their last couple of hours of daylight eating sandwiches and playing on the lakeshore. Dipper still had more cameras than he knew what to do with, so they played around with optical illusions and just plain goofy pictures. They were all having so much fun, they didn’t even notice the bubbles on the lake.


	12. That's My Cue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn why we haven't heard from Stan in a while.

Occasionally days will start out eventful and then turn out to be boring. This was one of them. The kids had barely finished their breakfast when Soos called to them from down the hall.

 

“Dudes! You’ll never guess what I found!” The young man-child exclaimed.

 

“Buried treasure!” The twins guessed simultaneously, then giggled at the coincidence. 

 

Soos led them down a poorly lit, rarely walked hall. The wallpaper was peeling, and in one place it had peeled enough to reveal…

 

“Check it out! Totally creepy hidden door.” Soos said.

 

“Whooooooah!” The young twins gasped. The three of them cautiously peeked inside. It was full of strange objects. They were all so obscured by dust that it was hard to make out where one doodad ended and the next began. Only one tall object in the center of the room stood out from the rest.

 

“What is this?” Dipper wondered, walking up to it and leaving a trail in the dust. “Some sort of picture frame?” He wiped away some dust from the flat surface.

 

“It’s a mirror!” Mabel exclaimed when their reflections were revealed.

 

“And look at this!” Dipper spotted some small lumps in the dust. He picked one up. “Candles! And they make a perfect circle around the mirror! This is so creepy, it’s like a summoning circle for ghosts or something.”

 

“ _ What _ are you doing here?” A raspy voice asked. The three of them screamed and huddled together for safety. They slowly turned to see…  _ not _ a ghost angry with them for disturbing its territory, but a still very tired and not yet had his first cup of coffee Grunkle Ford. Which was  _ almost _ as terrifying.

 

“Oh, uh, I was sweeping up this hallway we never go down, and I found this creepy door behind the wallpaper.” Soos explained.

 

“Well, it was covered up for a reason. Everyone out.” The old man ordered. Soos and Mabel did as they were told, but Dipper paused at the door, looking up at his uncle.

 

“But Grunkle Ford, look! There’s something strange about this room! Look at the candles and the mirror!”

 

“It’s just an old storage room.” Ford said tiredly. “Now come on, out you go.” He placed a large hand on the boy’s shoulder and pushed him out the door. 

 

As the kids left the hallway, Stanford stole another long glance into the room before he shut the door. Even after closing the door and making his way into the kitchen, the image of the mirror was still burned into his mind, and it brought with it an unpleasant memory.

* * *

  
  


It was late fall of the year 2000. After Halloween, but not quite Thanksgiving yet. Stanford Pines was standing before a mirror with candles all around him, in a small side-room. Ford’s reflection in the mirror looked quite a bit different now. His hair was transitioning from brown to grey, and it was beginning to stick up from all the times he ran his fingers through it, whether due to nerves or frustration. 

 

It was hard to clear his mind for the ritual. He’d been trying to reach Stanley for almost five days now, which made the total time since their last contact over a month. To say he was worried was like saying the Pacific Ocean was a little puddle, or Mount Everest was a bump on the ground. If he couldn’t at least get confirmation that his brother was still alive tonight… Ford wasn’t sure what he’d do. Something drastic and ultimately pointless, probably.

 

That was why Stanford breathed a huge sigh of relief when he finished the ritual and finally found himself in Stan’s mindscape, even though there were clear signs that something was wrong. The landscape was black and white, and seemed to be crumbling. Even beyond that, everything seemed to be darker than before. Ford filed these observations away for later. Just one more reason to find Stan as soon as he could.

 

Stanford bypassed several fresh new memories behind strange steel doors as he wandered the mindscape, looking for the memory of Glass Shard Beach. Not for the first time, he felt tempted to look into these memories and see what incredible new things Stan had witnessed. But fear and respect for his brother’s privacy (mostly fear) kept him from opening them.

 

Finally Ford found the right door and stepped onto the pebbly shore of Glass Shard Beach. He immediately pulled the memory of 18-year-old Stan into a hug. “Are you alright? What happened? I tried to reach you for  _ days _ !”

 

“Yeah, well, I haven’t been sleeping well.” Stanley assured him, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. “Geez, you don’t need to worry so much. I’m--I’m fine.”

 

“Worried? I was more than  _ worried _ , I thought you’d  _ died _ !” 

 

Stan burst into laughter, much too loud and much too humorless. “Oh they tried! But it takes more than a lousy team of security guards to kill Stan Pines!” The laughter died down and he rubbed his left arm absentmindedly. “Yeah, heh, I got off scott-free.”

 

Stanley fancied himself a good liar, but his brother knew him well enough to recognize his tells.

 

“What’s wrong?” Ford asked.

 

“Nothin’.” Stan quickly changed the subject. “So is that portal fixed yet?”

 

Ford sat down in his swing with a huff and fidgeted with the rope. The portal had been operational since 1991. Or at least, it seemed to be, according to all the diagnostics and simulations he’d run. He hadn’t dared power it up, not in nine years.

 

“It’s close.” He lied.

 

“You’ve been sayin’ that for years.”

 

“I just need a few more parts. These aren’t the kind of things I can pick up in an electronics store.” That, at least, was true. Some damaged pieces were irreplaceable, unlike anything Stanford had ever seen. He’d had to do his best to salvage and restore the pieces. He  _ still _ wasn’t sure where they’d come from, or if he’d made them himself.

 

“I uh, I think I know someone who can help.” Stan said apprehensively.

 

Ford gave his brother a bewildered look. How could someone on the other side possibly help? Had Stan run into that other timeline version of Ford again?

 

“THAT’S MY CUE!”

 

Stanford nearly jumped out of his skin. That voice! That was impossible! The mindscape shifted around them. The beach disappeared; they were back in the hall of memories. A yellow triangle floated before them. Bill Cipher.

 

“Bill...how?” Ford gripped Stan’s arm, fighting the urge to hide behind him.

 

“YEAH, LONG TIME NO SEE, SIXER! NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.” Bill said snarkily.

 

“Go away! You’re not welcome here!” Ford yelled, gathering his courage.

 

“THAT’S NOT REALLY FOR YOU TO DECIDE, NOW IS IT FORDSY? WE’RE BOTH GUESTS IN YOUR BROTHER’S MIND, AFTER ALL.”

 

Ford shot a desperate glance at Stan, who looked concerned, but not at all surprised. The scientist’s stomach knotted and lurched. “Stan, what’s going on?” This  _ had _ to be a mistake. It had to be one of Bill’s tricks.

 

“Relax Sixer, it’s ok.” Stan tried to reassure his brother. “I know you two have a history, but I figured maybe if we all talked--”

 

“A  _ history!? _ ” Ford yelled, “Stan, what has he been telling you? How do you even know about Bill!?” He refused to believe this was happening it had to be a trick it  _ had to be _ .

 

“I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK!” Bill said excitedly. He waved a hand and a memory door opened beside him. “POOR OL’ STANO HERE’D JUST HAD A WAY-TO-CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH OUR OLD PORTAL PROJECT. LUCKY FOR BOTH OF YOU I WAS STILL KEEPING AN EYE ON THINGS, SO I DECIDED TO CHECK ON THE LOST BOY.”

 

_ Inside the memory door, a 20-something Stan stirred restlessly in his sleep, hidden in some dense branches in a dying tree. The scene slowly transitioned to a dream where Bill was floating beside a nice, warm campfire. _

 

_ “What the…” Stan muttered, trying to make sense of the dream. _

 

_ “HEY THERE MAC! YOU MUST BE STANLEY PINES!” The triangle said jovially. _

 

_ “Uh, yeah. And who or what are you, exactly?” Stan asked. _

 

_ “NAME’S BILL CIPHER! YOUR BROTHER USED TO CONSIDER ME A FRIEND.” _

 

_ “Y-you know Ford?” _

 

_ “OH YEAH, ME’N STANFORD USED TO BE  _ **REAL** _ CLOSE, AT LEAST UNTIL I HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT WITH HIS ASSISTANT. THEN HE THREW ME OUT.” Bill floated up close to Stan and placed a friendly arm around his shoulders. “I THINK YOU CAN RELATE.” _

 

_ Stan frowned. “How’d you know about that?” He growled. _

 

_ “HOW D’YOU THINK? YOUR BROTHER TOLD ME!” _

 

_ “What else did he tell you?” _

 

_ “OH, NOT MUCH. I THINK HE TRIES TO FORGET ABOUT YOU MOST OF THE TIME.” _

 

_ Stanley’s frown deepened. _

 

_ “HEY, DON’T FEEL TOO BAD, STAN, LIKE I SAID, WE CAN RELATE! WE’VE GOT A LOT IN COMMON, AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS WE’RE BOTH IN A BIG MESS BECAUSE OF STANFORD PINES!” _

 

_ “What happened with Ford was an accident!” Stan shouted. “He didn’t mean to leave me out here! He’ll come back for me!” _

 

_ “ACTUALLY, HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU’RE STILL ALIVE.” Bill informed him. “BUT I CAN FIX THAT. I’M MASTER OF THE MIND-SCAPE, A SORT OF GO-BETWEEN FOR THE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS. I CAN HELP YOU.” _

 

_ “...What’s the catch?” Stan asked skeptically. _

 

_ “I’LL JUST NEED A SMALL FAVOR IN RETURN.” _

 

_ “I know better than to make open-ended deals.” the con-man said flatly. “Give me specifics.” _

 

_ “HAHA, AND PEOPLE SAY  _ **YOU’RE** _ THE DUMB TWIN! ALRIGHT, I’LL TELL YA. I WANNA USE THAT PORTAL ONCE YOU GET BACK.” _

 

_ “I dunno,” Stan grumbled, “Ford says the thing’s dangerous. Something about ‘terrible destruction’.” _

 

_ “OH YEAH, IN THE WRONG HANDS, SURE, BUT I’M THE ONE WHO HELPED YOUR BRO BUILD THE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE.” _

 

_ Stan fidgeted uncomfortably. “Look, I can’t promise you that. I don’t know a thing about Ford’s science stuff, but I don’t think he’d agree to it. Is there anything else?” _

 

_ Bill chuckled. “Y’KNOW WHAT? I LIKE YOU, AND I’M SO CONFIDENT WE’LL MEET AGAIN, I’LL DO THIS FIRST JOB FREE!” _

 

_ Stan balked. He didn’t like this. This sounded like one of his  _ own _ phony sales-pitches. But he didn’t have any other options. Maybe, since he’d pulled his fair share of cons himself, he could outsmart this Bill guy. _

 

_ “Alright Bill, knock yourself out.” _

 

The memory closed. Ford backed away from his brother, shaking his head in disbelief. 

 

“I thought it was just a weird dream at first,” Stan said sheepishly. “But not long after that you started… uh, ‘contacting’ me, or whatever you call it. That’s when I realized it was real.”

 

“What else did you agree to Stan?” Stanford asked accusingly. This whole time. This  _ whole time _ Bill had been pulling strings. Of course he had. Why hadn’t Ford seen it before? Bill had practically told him.  _ YOU SURE ASK A LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAN YOUR BROTHER. _

 

“I was just thinkin’, y’know, maybe we could all work out our problems.” Stan explained hesitantly. “Work together. Just long enough to fix things.” But it was becoming clear to him that he had seriously underestimated the issue with Bill.

 

“YEAH, LET’S WORK TOGETHER LIKE  _ OLD TIMES _ , SIXER!” Bill agreed, pulling the man’s hair. Ford pushed the triangle away and put as much distance between the two of them as he could.

 

“You stay away from me!” Stanford growled, then turned to his brother. “Stan, listen to me. Bill is a twisted being of pure evil! He _ cannot _ be trusted!”

 

“YA REALLY KNOW HOW TO FLATTER A GUY, SIXER.” Bill deadpanned. 

 

“Ford, you--you’re just blowing things out of proportion, as usual.” Stan stammered, although he didn’t quite seem sure of his words.

 

“WHAT’D I TELL YA, STANLEY? HE DOESN’T WANT MY HELP BECAUSE HE PREFERS IT THIS WAY! NO DEADWEIGHT HOLDING HIM BACK.”

 

“Stan, don’t listen to him, he’s  _ lying _ !” 

 

“OH YEAH? THEN EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVEN’T BROUGHT YOUR POOR BROTHER BACK YET, SIXER, WHEN YOU’VE HAD THE PORTAL WORKING FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS?”

 

Stan, who had been looking between the two with a growing expression of dread, froze facing his brother. His eyes widened in disbelief.

 

“He… he’s lyin’, right? You--you said he can’t be trusted.” 

 

Stanford made no reply.

 

“Stanford, tell me he’s lying!” Stanley pleaded.

 

Ford slowly found his words. “...Stan, it’s not because of you, I swear! Bill--”

 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence. In an instant the dreamscape imploded around him. The landscape around him blurred into a mess. Waves of emotion washed over him: anger, betrayal, fear. There were no words, but Ford could tell it was all from Stan. The remembered, teenaged image of his brother had vanished, replaced with a grizzled and weary old man, with a bandaged stump where his left forearm should have been, and nothing but hurt and pain in his eyes.

 

He woke with a start in the storage room. Stanford felt sick and he had a splitting headache.

 

“No. No no no! Stanley!” He pounded the mirror in frustration. He tried to calm himself. He couldn’t concentrate on the incantation like this. “Come on, focus Stanford, focus.” He told himself.

 

Bill had tricked Stan just like he’d tricked Ford, and if he didn’t get back to his brother soon, who knew what kind of things the triangle would make Stanley do?

 

But it was no good. Either because he couldn’t concentrate, or because Stan was no longer asleep, he couldn’t tell. So he tried again the next night.

 

And the next night.

 

And the next night.

 

And the next night.

 

After a week Ford began to fear Stan had died. But he still kept trying. If anything, he tried harder. After a month he began to get the distinct impression that something was fighting him. Which had to mean his brother was still alive, right? Of course Stan was blocking him out now, after what had happened.

 

After a year he began to slip in his dedication. Instead of trying the ritual every night he slipped to once a week. Trying to shake up Stan’s defenses, he told himself. His attempts became less and less frequent, until he eventually gave up. Oh sure, every year or so he’d give it a go, but he knew it was futile. And yet Stanford couldn’t give up the portal. He continued to seek out the missing journals and tinker with the mechanics. Never having the guts to start it up, but never having the heart to tear it down.

* * *

  
  


Dipper and Mabel sat in front of the TV, watching Ducktective. Grunkle Ford walked in, looking more haggard and grumpy than usual.

 

“Hey Grunkle Ford, are you ok?” Mabel asked, noticing his gloomy demeanor.

 

“Fine, fine.” He said simply.

 

“So did you clean up that room?” Dipper asked, pretending to keep it casual. The boy was still curious about the peculiar set-up he’d found.

 

“Yes. There’s a rat problem. Don’t go in there.” Ford  explained quickly.


	13. Play the Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford and Dipper bond over their mutual love of overly complex games.

Dipper looked surreptitiously over his shoulder as he snuck down the hall. He’d been curious about the hidden room all day yesterday, and now that he was sure Grunkle Ford wasn’t watching, he wanted a closer look. The boy was still sure something weird was going on in there. He teased the door open quietly and slipped inside. 

 

There was soft light filtering in through one window. Dipper could still see everyone’s footprints from yesterday on the dusty floor. He stepped lightly to the ring of candles around the mirror and examined them carefully. They were covered in dust and melted to waxen stubs. Whatever these had been used for, they hadn’t been used in a long time. The boy brushed away the dust from the mirror and the floor around it, but he couldn’t find any markings or other clues as to what this strange set-up could be. 

 

Well, if he couldn’t find any clues from the mirror, he’d have to explore the rest of the room. He turned to the piles of junk laid up along the walls. There was a shoebox-size package sitting within easy reach. Dipper picked up the box, wiped away the dust, and  _ gasped _ .

* * *

  
  


“Mabel! Mabel, you’re never gonna guess what I found!” 

 

The perky young girl looked up from the sweater she was knitting. Her twin brother dashed into the room clutching an old box. Mabel knew Dipper’d been planning on staking out that weird room this morning. Apparently he’d found something.

 

“Living dust bunnies!” Mabel guessed.

 

“Even better! It’s my favorite fantasy-setting, level-calculating, stats-measuring, map-drawing game of all time! Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons!” He squeed, all thoughts of solving the mystery room’s secrets forgotten in his excitement. “And that’s not even the best part! This is some vintage edition from the 80’s, check out the cool old box-art!”

 

“Oooh! Unicorns!” Mabel cooed, looking at the beautifully detailed illustrations.

 

As the young twins were occupied with the game, Stanford came in from the library. “What have you two got there?” 

 

Dipper guiltily tried to hide the box, but it was too late. Ford took the game, a stunned expression on his face. “Is that… my 1980 edition of Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons? I thought I’d lost this!” A smile broke across the old man’s face. “Where on earth did you find it?"

 

“I-ah-yours? I mean, it was-I just…you play?” Dipper stammered. 

 

“Do I play? Ha!” The old man gave a dry chuckle, “I own every edition of the game they’ve ever published! Except for the 90’s version, which is dead to me.”

 

“He dug it out of that weird storage room!” Mabel, always an advocate of the truth, spilled.

 

The boy flinched. Grunkle Ford had seemed very resistant to that room yesterday, and had told the kids to stay out. Was he going to get in trouble?

 

“Ah,  _ that _ explains why I wasn’t able to find it!” He grinned. He didn’t even seem to remember his melancholy from yesterday; it was all swallowed up in the excitement of the game. “You know what, we should play, right now!”

 

“Yeah-ha!” Dipper agreed enthusiastically, then paused, looking at his sister. “But wait, Mabel’s never played before.”

 

“Bro, it’s got unicorns, I’m already sold!” Mabel assured them. “So how do you play?”

 

“It’s simplicity itself, Mabel.” Ford opened up the box and removed a 38-sided die, a ream of graphing paper, several figurines, and a rulebook the size of a cinderblock. “We start by each rolling the dice to calculate our base stats.”

 

“Wait, shouldn’t we pick out classes first?” Dipper asked.

 

“Well, technically it doesn’t matter which you do first, and I like to pick a class that compliments my base stats.” Ford explained.

 

“Ah man, I’d never even thought of that!”

 

“Then, based on your class and your stats, we’re each allocated quadrants for dominion and for inventory, where the inventory quadrant is inversely proportional to the character’s dominion.”

 

Mabel’s smile faltered. “And  _ then _ we ride unicorns?”

 

Ford gave her the same sad smile her parents always gave Dipper when he said he couldn’t wait until he was old enough to buy his own car.

 

“Not quite.  _ Then _ we graph out our character’s level-gains. You can make it a steady gain or a logarithmic gain.”

 

“Or a split gain if you’re dual-classing.” Dipper added.

 

“No, they didn’t add dual-classing until the ‘87 edition. Which I  _ think _ I have somewhere in my room, actually.”

 

“Oh, you should go get it! Isn’t that the first one where Probabilator gets an improbability cloak?”

 

“Haha, yeah, the difficulty spike at the end is a real challenge, it takes a lot of dungeon-grinding to get your stats to the point where even your low-end bell-curve is enough to stand up to his attacks.”

 

“I usually craft an even-odds shield to get around it.”

 

“Now  _ there’s _ an original idea, why didn’t I think of that?"

 

Mabel’s expression slowly turned from excited grin to bored frown as her two relatives delved further and further into nerd jargon. Something told her that even when they did get to the unicorns, it would involve a lot more dice-rolling and statistics than she would like.

* * *

  
  


It was barely still light out when they finally got the game set up. Mabel was pretty sure she'd fallen asleep with her eyes open at some point, but she was brought out of her stupor when Dipper handed her the dice.

 

"Uh, what am I rolling for this time?" She asked uncertainly.

 

"We're starting our journey!" Dipper explained, "Your barbarian princess is riding a unicorn, so you get a times four multiplier to your distance roll."

 

Just as she'd suspected, more dice-rolling. She threw the hunk of plastic half-heartedly, not even bothering to look at the number she'd rolled.

 

"Twenty-four, nice one Mabel." Grunkle Ford complimented her.

 

"So, uh, what does that mean?"

 

"That's far enough to go into the first dungeon!" He grinned, holding up a map drawn on graph paper.

 

"Uhm..." She murmured, not all that enthused at the prospect of more dice and math and graphs. "Not that I don't love cheese Boodles, but I'm getting kinda hungry for real dinner." She strategically changed the subject.

 

"Whoa, is it that late already?" Dipper wondered.

 

"Yikes." Ford slapped a hand to his forehead, "I completely lost track of time. Let me throw some left-over tacos in the microwave." He stood up and cleared his throat. "We shall adjourn this quest as we make sup, and take up our tasks on the morrow!"

 

"Hear-hear! Ere long we shall return!" Mabel added in her own theatrical voice. Now funny old fashioned talk was the kind of silly game she could get behind.

 

"Yeah, uh, what you guys said." Dipper laughed. 

* * *

 

The next morning was bright and beautiful. Mabel awoke and greeted the day in her usual cheery manner, but she couldn't suppress an exasperated sigh when she caught sight of her brother. Dipper had fallen asleep with half-finished dungeon maps all around him. It had only been a day and already this game seemed to be consuming her family’s life.

 

“Dipper, how late were you up last night?” She asked him disbelievingly.

 

“Uh… I dunno.” He yawned. “I kinda stopped looking at the clock after 12:08.”

 

Mabel shook her head. “You’ve played this game before?”

 

“Yeah, usually with my friends at school during lunch and recess.”

 

“Well how come you never went cray-cray over it like this before?”

 

“Well...” Dipper said sheepishly, “I never thought anyone else in my family would really get into DDMD. You were always too busy doing your own thing at school, and Grunkle Ford’s just been kinda grumpy and distant the whole time we’ve been here. It’s cool to see him finally having some fun for a change. I guess I’m just excited to do something I really enjoy with you guys.”

 

“Oh, yeah…” Mabel suddenly didn’t have the heart to tell Dipper she wasn’t enjoying the game  _ at all.  _ Maybe she could find some way to make it fun for everybody. Somehow…

 

She deliberately took her time as she ate her breakfast, while the others wolfed down their cereal at record speeds.

 

“Come on Mabel, the sooner you finish, the sooner we can start the first dungeon.” Grunkle Ford encouraged her like they were getting ready to go to the candy store.

 

“Uh… yeah, about that.” She giggled nervously, “Eh-heh, I was thinking, since it’s such a nice day, maybe we could play outside instead?”

 

And then, before she knew what was happening, they had set up Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons on a collapsible camp table in the woods.

 

“Great idea Mabel, this fits the atmosphere of the forest temple much better than the livingroom.” Ford complimented her. 

 

“Thanks.” she replied flatly, but her annoyance was lost on both her relatives.

 

She did her best to grin and bare it. This was supposed to be a fantasy adventure, after all. “Ok, so, uh what do I do in the dungeon?”

 

“Fight monsters, avoid traps, and find treasure!” Dipper explained. Well, that certainly  _ sounded _ exciting. “You want to roll a high movement number so you can explore each square of the map. Or a high perception roll so your character can look around and see what’s in there.” Aaaand there was the boring dumb stuff again. Who needed to roll a dumb dice to look around a room?

 

Mabel rolled a seven for her movement and a six on her perception check. Whatever that meant. She looked to Dipper, who in turn was looking expectantly at Ford.

 

“You look around to find yourself in a quiet wooded glade.” The old man described the setting, and suddenly she wasn’t just looking at a piece of graph paper with a bunch of lines drawn on it. “A formidable pair of oaken doors stand at the far end, and a pillar covered in vines towers over you to your right. There is a sparkling azure pool to your left.”

 

“Well, let’s open the doors.” She reasoned.

 

“You can’t, you didn’t roll high enough to cross the room.”

 

“Oh, well, uh, let’s go swim in the pool!”

 

Grunkle Ford frowned and wrung his hands behind his back. “No, no, I don’t think you want to do that.” he said quickly, “Why don’t you check out the pillar instead?”

 

Mabel gave an exasperated sigh. It had finally seemed like she was getting past the math stuff, and now he was playing the game for her. “Ok.”

 

“It looks like you can climb the ivy to the top of the pillar...”

 

“Then climb it!”

 

“...But you used up all your movement spaces to get to the pillar. It’s Dipper’s turn now.”

 

Mabel flopped down on the ground with a groan.

 

“Hey, are you ok?” Dipper asked, a worried look on his face.

 

The young girl was torn. On the one hand, she felt really frustrated with this game, and she wanted to tell Dipper. But on the other hand, both Dipper and Grunkle Ford seemed really happy playing the dumb, overcomplicated game. Happier than she’d seen either of them since coming to Gravity Falls last week. And part of the reason Dipper was so happy was because he thought _ she _ was enjoying the game. Only she wasn’t. How could she tell them she thought their game was dumb and still keep everyone happy?

 

“Can I go for a walk during your turn?” She asked.

 

“Uh...sure.” Dipper said, confused.

 

“Don’t go too far.” Ford cautioned her.

* * *

  
  


Mabel wandered down the path back to Grunkle Ford’s house, muttering under her breath as she tried to figure out what to do.

 

“I don’t wanna waste all day sitting around, but I don’t wanna kill the fun for them…” She kicked a small pebble and watched it bounce along the path until it bumped into a small stone well. Mabel sighed, picking up the small, round rock and flicking it into the well. “I just wish there was a way to make the game as exciting as it sounds.”

 

The pebble made an echoing splash into the well, which slowly changed into light laughter. Mabel peeked into the well curiously.

 

“Uh… is anyone there?”

 

Suddenly, a streak of green smoke shot out of the well, throwing the girl back on her bottom. She gasped in surprise as the green smoke coalesced into the shape of a middle-aged woman.

 

“Congratulations kid! You just got your wish!” The smoke-woman said with a smirk.

 

“Oooooh, you’re beautiful! What are you?” Mabel asked.

 

“The genie of the wishing well. Obviously.”

 

“Wait, what? I thought genies lived in lamps, not wells.”

 

“Pch, well how did you _ think _ wishing wells worked?” The genie scoffed. “The wish just grants itself?”

 

“Wow! Ok, wow!” The young girl bounced up and down, unable to contain her excitement. “Oh man, what should I wish for?”

 

“Nah, weren’t you listening? I said you _ just got  _ your wish. As in, you already made it.”

 

Oh right. That comment about making Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons more exciting  _ had _ been a wish, hadn’t it? “Alright! Let’s get some real unicorns to ride! And a way to make the maps as colorful as Grunkle Ford describes them!” Mabel suggested.

 

“Sorry kid.” The genie snickered, “I’m one of those vindictive genies. I’ll definitely make it ‘exciting’ for ya.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“Your quest” The smoke woman’s face split into a cruel grin, “Is to save the rest of your party.” She disappeared in a poof of smoke.

 

“Hey! Come back!” Mabel yelled. Oh no, what had that genie said?  _ Save her party? _

* * *

  
  


Dipper and Ford sat at the collapsable table, the game temporarily paused as they waited for Mabel to come back.

 

“She’s not having fun.” Dipper observed glumly, “She doesn’t want to play.”

 

“I’m trying to make it more enjoyable for her. Enchanted forest setting for the first dungeon, steered her away from having to fight a miniboss too soon, even let her have a unicorn mount.” Ford added under his breath, “ _ Against my better judgement. _ ”

 

“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s working. And to be honest, I’m not having as much either, with things watered down like this.”

 

“Well, she doesn’t have to play with us if she doesn’t want to.”

 

“Yeah, but… I dunno, I guess I don’t want her to feel left out, y’know?”

 

Ford nodded. “I understand, but just because you’re twins doesn’t mean the two of you have to do everything together. You have separate interests. If she wants to play outside and you want to play DDMD, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

 

“We don’t do  _ everything _ together.” Dipper said defensively.

 

Stanford didn’t answer. He was staring with a shocked expression at a point just over Dipper’s shoulder.

 

“What?” The boy asked. “ _ Is there a spider on me _ !?”

 

Then everything disappeared in a puff of smoke.

* * *

  
  


Mabel didn’t know what that genie was going to do to her family, but she knew it couldn’t be good. She was 99 percent sure  _ vindictive _ was another word for  _ really mean jerk-face. _ Her thoughts were so preoccupied thinking of how she was going to save Dipper and Ford that she ran right past Soos without even noticing him.

 

“Hey Hambone, where’re you off to in such a hurry?” the young man asked cheerfully.

 

“Soos!” Mabel whipped around. “What’re you doing here?”

 

“Lookin’ for Dr. Pines. We got a new repair job in today. Broken microwave.” The mechanic explained. “When there was no on in the garage I checked every room in the house. When I couldn’t find anyone in the house--”

 

“Omigosh Soos, you’ve gotta help me!” The girl interrupted him. “I was playing a boring game with Dipper and Grunkle Ford and then I found a genie in a well and wished the game was more exciting, but it was a  _ meanie genie _ and she said my quest is to save them!”

 

“Heh, wow, sounds like you’ve had an eventful day! Wait,” Soos realized, “Boring game with quests… Dr. Pines didn’t rope you into playing Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, did he?”

 

“Yeah!” Mabel confirmed. “He and Dipper are like,  _ obsessed _ !”

 

“Well, I dunno anything about Dipper’s history with the game, but Dr. Pines is over the gamer’s club at the high school, and I know he’s  _ pretty passionate _ about the whole thing. Told me I was joining the dark side when I switched over to playing FCLORP instead.”

 

“You mean you used to play?” the girl grabbed him by the shirt, “Then you can help me beat the meanie genie!”

 

“Uh, I dunno dude, I haven’t played in years…”

 

“Soos I have literally played two turns in my entire life.”

 

The man-child nodded solemnly and adjusted his cap. “With pen and paper, shield and sword, our quest shall be our sweet reward!”

 

“Actually, I’m pretty sure my family’s safety is the reward.”

 

“That too.”

* * *

  
  


The two friends entered the clearing where the collapsible table was still standing, the game still set up to play. Only there was no sign of Dipper or Ford. In the Dungeon Maker’s spot was the genie.

 

“Took you long enough to get here.” She smirked. “Oh, and you brought a friend. Great. This game is always more fun with more people.

 

“Where’s my brother and uncle?” Mabel demanded.

 

“Oh relax, they’re not hurt.” The smoke lady held out a hand and showed off two very familiar figurines hanging from a chain. “In fact, they won’t be hurting ever again, if you can’t beat my quest.”

 

“Oh my gosh!” Soos gasped, “She turned them into keychains! Just like that one episode of Digimon!”

 

“Alright, what’s your quest, meanie genie?” Mabel asked.

 

“Heheh, meanie genie, that’s fun to say.” Soos chuckled.

 

“I know right?” The young girl agreed, “I just said it without thinking the first time but now I just keep saying it any chance I get.” 

 

“Can we just play the game already?” The genie groaned.

 

“Sorry.” The two apologized.

 

“Now, let’s see, what to do, what to do…” The smoke lady mused, “Sorry, it’s just been a while since I’ve been DM… Hmm, werewolf tree? No… it’s been done. Impossibeast? No… I’m vindictive, not a cheater. Zombie Aaron Copland? No… who would get that? Oh, I know! Probabilitor, only he’s a skeleton! And… and he plays a mystic accordion… and it can bring  _ other _ skeletons to life to fight for him!”

 

The map laid out on the table suddenly blurred like a mirage, and a magical image of a skeleton wizard with an accordion appeared.

 

“Dude, that’s way intense.” Soos commented.

 

“Well, she wished for it to be interesting! What fun would an easy quest be?”

 

Mabel groaned with worry. “Soos, wha’do I do?”

 

“Hey, relax dude, DDMD is all about imagination.” The mechanic explained.

 

“Really? I thought it was all about maps and graphs.”

 

“Well, that’s how you _ make _ things happen, but to decide  _ what _ happens, you have to imagine what your character will do. Like what kind of attack would be best to defeat a musically talented skeleton?”

 

A mischievous grin spread across Mabel’s face as an idea formed in her head. “Ooh, I get it now!”

 

“Ah, got a strategy now, have you?” The genie snickered. “Let’s put it to the test! You’re the only one with a mount, girl, you go first.”

 

“I summon an army of barbarian dogs to eat the bones of your skeleton army!” Mabel declared triumphantly. She rolled the dice and got a 10. The magic over the map rippled again and ten miniature but ferocious dogs appeared and tore the skeletons surrounding the bone wizard apart.

 

“Good move.” The smoke woman complimented, “But Probabilitor just uses his mystic accordion to summon even more skeleton to attack you!” As she said the words, creepy polka music filled the air, and the magic image of a skeleton army reappeared. They fired arrows across the map to the two game pieces that represented Mabel and Soos, doing heavy damage to them.

 

“Well I use a mystic synth-keyboard to cancel out the power of Probabilitor’s accordion!” Soos countered. He rolled a 30. Synth chords played, drowning out the creepy polka. “Nice! Don’t think I’ve ever rolled a 30 before.”

 

“Tch, clever. Very clever.” The woman admitted. “But now you’ll have to deal with Probabilitor’s magic! Now the bell-curve is reversed, and you’re more likely to get really low rolls. Or really high rolls. But nothing in the middle!”

 

“Wait, but if I’m more likely to get high rolls, isn’t that bad for you?” Mabel wondered.

 

“Eh, it’s a risk-vs-reward move.” The genie shrugged. “Your turn again, girl.”

 

“Hmm…” Mabel thought. “I cast… dynamite sausages!” She rolled again, this time getting a 3. Three sparking red tubes of meat rolled into the army of skeletons, then exploded. It did some damage, but it wasn’t enough to take out all of them. “Aw man…”

 

“Oh, too bad!” The smoke woman mocked. “Now, I’ll use the last of my skeletons to swarm you and finish you off!”

 

“Not so fast!” Soos slammed the table. “If there’s one thing videogames have taught me… well, wait, videogames have taught me a lot of thing, but, uh, one of those things is that the best way to defeat skeletons is with fire! I cast inferno shield!” Soos rolled a 28.

 

The skeletons charged forward, only to be swallowed up in a wall of flames.

 

“Augh, you gotta be kidding me!” The Dungeon Maker seethed. 

 

“It’s my turn now!” Mabel grinned. “And I know just what to do! My character isn’t just a barbarian princess riding a unicorn! She’s  _ also _ an archeologist, and she  _ wants to put your skeleton wizard in a museum _ !” She rolled the dice. The genie and Soos both gasped. “What?”

 

“You just nat-38’ed!” Soos said in hushed awe.

 

“You must have cheated!” The genie shrieked.

 

“Nu-uh!” Mabel insisted. “I barely know how to play, how would I know how to cheat?”

 

“Oh, ‘barely know how to play’ my amorphous smoke body, you’ve been  _ hustling _ me, haven’t you?” The woman accused. “You’ve been playing like a  _ natural _ all game! Dogs and an archeologist to counter a skeleton army? Only an experienced player would know obscure weaknesses like that!”

 

“Or maybe Mabel’s just really smart and creative and lucky, and  _ you’re _ just a sore loser on top of being a meanie genie.” Soos said severely. 

 

The genie gritted her teeth and threw the keychains of Dipper and Ford on the table with a frustrated growl. “Y’know what? Fine! Take ‘em! I--I didn’t even want to play your dumb nerd game anyway!” She snapped her fingers and a giant puff of smoke covered everything, making it impossible to see. When the smoke cleared, Dipper and Ford were back to normal, and the genie had disappeared without a trace.

 

“Oh, Mabel, you’re back!” Dipper said cheerfully. “And… Soos? When did you get here?”

 

“I came to help fight the genie.” the mechanic said simply.

 

Ford raised an eyebrow. “How’d you know the miniboss for this dungeon is a genie? And besides, I thought you didn’t play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons anymore.”

 

“Yeah, well, I figured even if I prefer FCLORP these days, that’d doesn’t mean I can’t sit down and play some DDMD with my friends for old time’s sake.”

 

Dr. Pines gave a surprised smile. “Well, we’ll have to make a character for you then.”

 

“Or, uh, you could take Mabel’s spot.” Dipper suggested sheepishly.

 

“What?” Mabel asked.

 

“It’s ok Mabel, I know you don’t want to play. It’s fine, you can go play whatever else you want.”

 

“But I  _ do _ wanna play!”

 

“You don’t have to pretend to like the game just to make me happy, Mabel!”

 

“No really! I figured out how to make the game fun!” The young girl insisted, “But Grunkle Ford, you have to promise not to go easy on me anymore! I can handle the fun stuff!”

 

“Oh, are you sure?” Ford asked with a mischievous grin, “You might regret saying that later.”

 

“Bring it on, old man!” Mabel yelled playfully.

 

The four of them played together for the rest of the afternoon, having a great time. Mabel had finally gotten into the game, in her own unique way. Although, she still found she couldn’t stand to play for longer than a couple of hours before she got bored again. Dipper suggested they make it a weekly thing, while he and Ford had longer, more arduous campaigns together while Mabel and Soos were busy doing other things.

 

On their way back home, Soos and Mabel placed a large boulder over the top of the well, so the meanie genie would never bother anyone again. The gnomes weren’t too happy when they found their well blocked off.


	14. Mabel's OTHER Forbidden Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mabel finds herself the subject of undesired affection.

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos sat in the TV room watching Tiger Fist, when it cut to commercials. Dipper was about to mute it when Soos stopped him.

 

"Wait, dude, you gotta see this weird commercial."

 

Dramatic piano music played as a man sobbed inconsolably on his bed.

 

"Are you completely miserable?" The advertiser asked.

 

" _ Yes!! _ " The man replied emphatically.

 

"Then you need to meet  _ Gideon. _ "

 

"Who or what is Gideon, exactly?" Dipper riffed on the ad.

 

"He's a psychic!" The advertiser said, as if in reply.

 

" _ Aroo? _ " Mabel imitated a confused cartoon dog.

 

"Y'all don't believe me?" The ad continued. "Well don't let the naysayers deter ya!" The screen flashed an image of a very familiar frowning old man.

 

"Wait, is that Grunkle Ford?" Dipper noted.

 

"Come see for yourself! At Lil' Gideon's Tent'O'Telepathy! See your future today! Hurry on down, Lil' Gideon is expectin' ya!" The ad concluded.

 

"Whoa, I'm getting all curiousy and stuff!" Mabel exclaimed.

 

"That is  _ not _ the kind of thing you should be curious about." A stern voice said from the doorway. The three of them turned to see Ford standing there. "Trust me when I say the Gleeful family is nothing but trouble, and Gideon especially is bad news."

 

"What, is he really psychic?" Mabel asked.

 

"I think we should go find out!" Dipper proposed.

 

"There's no need." Ford insisted flatly. "I was  _ raised  _ by an phoney psychic, I can spot a fake when I see one. No one can tell your destiny." He left the room, frowning bitterly.

 

"I still think we should check it out. Just to be sure." Dipper said with a mischievous grin.

 

"Better safe than sorry!" His sister agreed.

* * *

  
  


That night the young twins left with Soos to see the Tent'O'Telepathy themselves. It was a huge tent made from baby blue canvas. It still managed to be gaudy despite the pastel colors.

 

"Great, this is just one of those cheesy tourist traps, isn't it?" Dipper groaned, already dubious of Gideon's authenticity.

 

"C'mon Dipper, wasn't it  _ your _ mysterious old book you found that said 'Nothing in Gravity Falls is what it seems'?" Mabel encouraged him.

 

Soos shushed them. "It's starting." He whispered.

 

Dramatic music and lighting filled the room. Heavy footsteps could be heard on stage. The blue curtains pulled back to reveal... A nine-year old albino boy dressed like Elvis.

 

" _ This  _ is the bad news Ford was worried about?" Dipper asked in disbelief.

 

"But he's so...  _ widdle! _ " Mabel cooed.

 

"Hello Gravity Falls!" Gideon boomed to the audience in an adorable, squeaky voice with a light southern twang, similar to the voice from the ad. "My name's Lil' Gideon, and it is such a gift to be here! Such a gift." He added more quietly. "I have seen a  _ vision.  _ I predict that in the next three seconds, y'all will say  _ d'awww. _ "

 

The child psychic spun around, and when he faced the audience again, he hit them with the biggest Bambi-eyed smile imaginable. The crowd  _ d'awwed  _ automatically.

 

"...seriously?" Dipper couldn't believe everyone was falling for this obvious set-up.

 

"Oh. My. G-O-S-H." His sister said in awe.

 

The music picked up again as Gideon began to dance and sing about his psychic abilities. He "predicted" that an obvious crazy old cat lady was lonely, "sensed" that the sheriff had been there before when he was already laden with Lil' Gideon merchandise, and "guessed" Mabel's name when it was  _ stitched on her sweater.  _ Dipper scoffed. If Gideon was psychic, then Soos was an alien.

 

"What a sham," The boy told his sister as they left the show. "I bet Ford's just frustrated that so many people actually fall for it."

 

"It's not about real psychic powers, Dipper." Mabel explained, "It's about entertainment! I mean, did you see how adorable his musical number was?"

 

"You're too easily impressed." Dipper grinned.

 

"Your face is too easily impressed." She retorted with a laugh. They left poking and laughing at each other goodnaturedly, unaware that someone was watching.

* * *

  
  


The next day, Dipper was eating lunch when Mabel ran into the room, excited as ever.

 

“Check it out Dipper! I successfully bedazzled my face!” She giggled. “It kinda hurts to smile right now.”

 

“Is that… permanent?” Her brother wondered.

 

“You’re missing the point, Dipdop.” The doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts. “I’ll get it!!”

 

Mabel ran to the entryway while wiping the sequins off her face and flung open the front door. At first it looked like nobody was there, but then she happened to glance down.

 

“It’s lil’ ol’  _ you _ !” She squeed at the sight of Gideon on her very own front porch.

 

“Eh-heh, yeah, my song’s quite catchy.” Gideon admitted shyly. “I know we haven’t been formally introduced, but after I saw you last night in the audience, I couldn’t get your laugh outta my head!”

 

“Like this?” Mabel laughed, which quickly turned into a cough. Several sequins sprayed onto the small boy’s jacket.

 

"Enchanting." Gideon whispered.

 

"Mabel, who's there?" Ford called from the library.

 

"Just some ding-dong-ditchers, Grunkle Ford!" She reassured him.

 

"Well see if you can hit any of them with the water balloon cannon, I want to deter repeat offenders." The old man continued to yell from the other room.

 

"I appreciate your discretion, Stanford's no fan of mine." Gideon said gratefully. "How'd a bright ray of sunshine like you get stuck with a spoilsport like him?"

 

“Oh-ho, you don’t mean that.” Mabel continued to laugh.

 

“Well sure I do!” the child insisted. “I’d like to get to know ya better, would you perchance like to join me for a spell in my private dressing room?”

 

“Dress up!” Mabel exclaimed excitedly, prodding Gideon playfully. He flinched painfully. She poked her head back into the house. “DipperI’mgoinaGideon’stoplaydressupseeyalaterbye!”

 

By the time Dipper had interpreted the jumble of words coming out of his sister’s mouth, she was already gone.

* * *

  
  


Mabel did not return for several hours. When Ford asked where she had gone, Dipper, knowing his uncle probably didn’t want her hanging out with Gideon, but not wanting to get his sister in trouble, had simply said she was at a new friend’s house. This satisfied the old man, and he left to the grocery store.

 

When she finally got back, Mabel was done up from her head to her toes in make-up, ribbons, and curls.

 

“Whoa, you look like one of those creepy dolls old ladies collect.” Dipper commented when she came in.

 

“I know, right?” She grinned, “Hanging out with Gideon was so fun! Now  _ that’s _ a classy nine-year-old!”

 

“I don’t think you should be hanging out with him Mabel, remember what Grunkle Ford said?” Dipper warned her.

 

“Nah, Gideons cool! I can’t avoid every nice guy I meet just because one of them turned out to be gnomes.” Mabel insisted. “Besides, it’s nice to have someone I can do girly stuff with for once. You and Grunkle Ford get to do boy stuff all the time.”

 

“Whadoya mean?” Dipper asked innocently. Suddenly the door opened and Ford stepped in, carrying a bag of groceries and a few small, thin packs wrapped in shiny cellophane.

 

“Dipper! They just got the new booster-packs of the DDMD TCG! Do you wanna help me open these bad boys up?”

 

“DO I!?” Dipper jumped off the couch eagerly and followed his Grunkle into the kitchen.

 

“And then when we’re done we can blow things up, for science!”

 

“For science!” The boy echoed with an enthusiastic laugh.

 

Mabel stood there for a second in awkward silence. “I think I’m gonna go back to Gideon’s.”

* * *

  
  


The next day the young twins were playing an old Atari they’d found lying on a shelf in the library. As they played, Mabel related her rather awkward rooftop conversation with Gideon the previous evening.

 

“...but he  _ has _ been really nice, so I figured I’d just go as a friend, y’know? Just give him a chance and see what happens.”

 

“That’s not how guys work Mabel.” Dipper warned her. “If he asked you on a date, he doesn’t want to be _ just friends _ .”

 

“Ah, c’mon. It’s just one date. Not even  _ I’m _ that lovable.” She fired off a couple of missiles, which her brother failed to dodge. “Kaboom! Yeah!”

 

“Ok, we agree on something here.” Dipper said flatly.

 

The doorbell rang and Mabel got up to answer it. She jumped back with a scream when a horse unexpectedly stuck it’s head in the door.

 

“A night of enchantment awaits, m’lady.” Gideon said suavely from atop his steed.

 

“... oh boy.” Mabel said quietly, not sure wether to be excited or scared.

* * *

  
  


While Mabel was on her date, Dipper hung out with Wendy and Soos in the repair garage. They were rewiring a pair of old walkie-talkies when Dr. Pines stormed in, livid.

 

“Would someone mind explaining to me how  _ this _ happened!?” He threw a copy of the Gravity Falls Gossiper on the table, where a picture of Mabel and Gideon took up most of the front page.

 

“Must have been a slow news day.” Wendy quipped.

 

“Oh yeah, dude, it’s a big deal! They’re already getting shipping names and everything!” Soos explained.

 

“This isn’t a joke, you two, she shouldn’t be anywhere near that little monster!” Ford fretted. What with Bud Gleeful being in the Blind Eye, and Gideon.... Ford only had suspicions about that boy, but if even  _ half _ of them were true….“I need to go take care of this right now.” 

 

“I-I didn’t know, and I told her not to!” Dipper said guiltily.

 

Ford didn’t seem to hear him. He had grabbed a tan trench coat hanging by a hook next to the door with lots of pockets on the inside. “If I’m not back by sunset, come looking for me.” He said gravely, then swept out the door.

 

Dipper watched him go with a panicked look on the boy’s face. “I… Is he serious?”

 

“Ah, he’s just being overdramatic.” Wendy waved her teacher’s weird actions off, “As usual.”

* * *

  
  


Stanford approached the Gleeful’s house cautiously. He wasn’t sure what to expect. This could very well be a trap. But he couldn’t just sit and do nothing about Mabel. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. 

 

“Why, Stanford Pines, what a delight!” Bud Gleeful answered with a goofy grin. Ford fought the urge to punch him in the face.

 

“Where is Mabel?” The old teacher said flatly.

 

“Well I haven’t seen her here since yesterday,” Bud guffawed, “but since you’re here, you simply  _ must _ come in for coffee.”

 

Ford hesitated. What was Bud playing at? Did he really not know what was going on? Or was this some sort of plan to lull him into a false sense of security. Of course, with the Blind Eye, it was entirely possible that he’d simply forgotten all about whatever he and Gideon were planning. The scientist’s best bet, he decided, was to come in and look around for some clue of what was going on.

 

Stanford entered as Bud drawled on about the quality of the coffee. The old man looked around carefully, checking surreptitiously for switches, secret compartments, or hidden cameras.

 

“So, I hear your Mabel and my Gideon are… well, they’re  _ singin’ in harmony _ , so to speak.” Bud said, handing Ford a mug of coffee. So he was at least aware of what was happening, though he might not be in on Gideon’s plan.

 

“Yes, and I’m here to tell you if your son comes within a mile of my great-niece again, I’ll--”

 

“No, no, no, now calm down!” Bud tried to pacify him. “I think this is a perfect opportunity to finally end this feud. Now I know I’ve caused ya grief in the past, and you’ve never been a believer in Gideon’s gift, but I think if we all got to know one another, we’d get along much better, yes.”

 

So  _ that _ was their angle. Trying to get closer to him in order to gain information. Perhaps the Blind Eye was growing suspicious of him again. Or perhaps his suspicions about Gideon were correct, and the boy in turn suspected Ford…. Well, two could play that game. This  _ was _ a perfect opportunity. An opportunity to confirm what Gideon’s deal was.

* * *

 

Stanford came home to find Mabel was already back from her date. And she was frantic.

 

“I was in the friend zone! And then he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand, Dipper! Chubby quicksand!”

 

“Relax Mabel,” Dipper tried to reassure her. “So you said yes to another date. It’s not the end of the world, you can just call him and cancel.”

 

“Can I Dipper? Can I!?” She didn’t sound convinced.

 

“Mabel, can I speak to you?” Ford asked, announcing his presence to the kids.

 

“Grunkle Ford! I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you!” Mabel cried, “I didn’t think it was statistically possible for you to be right about all the boys I know!”

 

“It’s ok.” The old man tried to cheer her. “Now, I want to ask you to help me with something.” The young girl nodded. “When you go on your next date with Gideon, could you ask him some questions for me? It’d have to be on the down-low, just slip them into the conversation.”

 

Mabel looked at him, slack jawed. She shook her head slowly.

 

“It’d be like playing spy.” He sensed her apprehension and tried to put a more Mabel-friendly spin on it.

 

“I don’t  _ wanna _ play spy! I just want things to go back to normal!!” She lamented, then ran upstairs like a colorfully knit comet.

 

“...You could have just said ‘no’!” Ford called up after her after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence.

* * *

  
  


Dipper knew to give his sister a few minutes to herself to calm down in situations like this. But he realized he may have underestimated the severity of the situation when he found Mabel curled up inside her sweater. She was in Sweater Town. He sat down beside her to try and comfort the beleaguered ball of yarn, finally deciding that he’d break up with Gideon for her, if she didn’t have the heart to do it.

 

That was how Dipper found himself walking into a swanky restaurant that night, standing across from a white-haired nine-year-old dressed in a nice blue suit.

 

“Dipper Pines! How are you this fine evening?” Gideon asked. Although his words were friendly, his tone betrayed annoyance. Where was Mabel?

 

“Uh, I’m good, thanks…” The Pines boy stammered before finding his confidence. “Ok, cut to the chase, I’m here on behalf of Mabel. She, uh, she doesn’t want to see you anymore. She’s kinda freaked out by how  _ far _ and how  _ fast _ you’re taking this romance stuff,  _ no offence _ , but, uh, she still wants to remain _ just friends _ , emphasis on the  _ just. friends _ . So, uh, no hard feelings? Right?”

 

Gideon’s face scrunched up and his eye began twitching. “So… you’ve come  _ between _ us…”

 

Dipper got the impression that this was not going well. “You… you’re not gonna  _ freak out _ , are you?”

 

Gideon’s face snapped back to his usual adorable, cheery disposition. “Of course not! I understand completely!”

 

“Ah, great.” Dipper said with a sigh of relief. “Well, uh, sorry again, but, uh, thumbs up, yeah?”

 

“ _ Thumbs up indeed, my friend. _ ” Gideon muttered darkly under his breath as he watched the boy leave.

* * *

  
  


The next day, the young twins were playing with Soos, when Wendy stepped out of the house holding the landline phone.

 

“Yo Dipper, phone for you dude.” She called.

 

“Really?” Dipper asked, confused. Who the heck would be calling him out here in Gravity Falls. “Hello?”

 

“Toby Determined,  _ Gravity Falls Gossiper _ .” A nasally voice said over the line. 

 

“Oh, uh, hi. Sorry my sister screamed at you last week.”

 

“No worries, I get that aaaaaall the time.” Toby assured him. “But I’m calling about  _ you _ . I want an interview about anything  _ unusual _ you’ve seen in this town since you’ve arrived.”

 

“Seriously!?” Dipper exclaimed. “Oh man, I thought no one would ever ask! I’ve got notes and theories and eve-- oh, ok. Uh-huh. Got it.” The boy wrote down an address and hung up.

* * *

  
  


“Ok Toby, I’ve got most of my notes right here…” Dipper trailed off as he entered the dark and conspicuously empty warehouse. “Aaaaand this was all just a big prank. Of course.” He turned to leave when the door slammed suddenly behind him. The boy whipped around to look back at the warehouse, looking for some _ one _ or some _ thing _ . Only now did he realize the building was full of Lil’ Gideon merchandise. That did not bode well.

 

“Hello friend.” A chair in front of him turned to reveal the child psychic. 

 

Dipper gave an annoyed groan. “Gideon.”

 

“Dipper Pines. How ya likin’ Gravity Falls?” Gideon asked with an edge of malice as he pet a Lil’ Gideon plush. “Enjoy the scenery?”

 

“What do you want, man?” The Pines boy cut through the formalities. “Is this about Mabel? I told you, she doesn’t  _ like _ you that way!”

 

“ _ Liar _ !” the white-haired boy shouted. “Things were going perfectly before you turned her against me!”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

Gideon clutched the bolo tie around his fat neck and it began to glow. The same glow engulfed Dipper, and he found himself flying into a box of thankfully soft Lil’ Gideon plushies.

 

“Readin’ minds ain’t all I can do!” Gideon stood over him menacingly.

 

“B-but you’re a fake…”

 

“Oh, tell me boy,  _ is this fake _ ?”

* * *

  
  


It had taken some convincing from Wendy, but Mabel had finally decided that it would be best for everyone if she broke up with Gideon herself, in person. He  _ had _ been very nice to her, and a very generous friend. He at least deserved that. So she hopped on her bike and rode up to the Gleeful warehouse where she knew he liked to watch the sunset.

 

If Mabel was surprised to see lights flashing inside the warehouse at this time of the evening, she was  _ horrified _ at what she saw through the window. Gideon was fighting Dipper! With magic!

 

“Grunkle Ford was right about you, you  _ are _ a monster!” her brother yelled at the child psychic. 

 

“Your sister will be mine!” Gideon cackled maniacally.

 

“She’s never gonna date you, man!”

 

“Liar!” the white-haired boy shouted again, levitating a pair of shearers. “I’ll make sure you  _ never  _ lie again.”

 

Mabel knew she needed to stop this _ now _ . “Gideon, stop!” She burst in the door. 

 

“Mabel!” Gideon dropped the shearers with a start. “Wh-what’re you doin’ here?”

 

“I came to tell you that I’m not going to date you, myself.” 

 

“I… you…” The young boy stammered. His emotional turmoil seemed to be causing Dipper no small discomfort. Mabel saw the glowing bolo tie, the same color surrounding her brother, and got an idea.

 

“Hey, we can still be make-over buddies, right?” She said, leaning down to hug Gideon.

 

“R-really?”

 

Mabel snagged the bolo tie and pulled it far away from the phoney psychic’s reach. “No not really! You were  _ attacking my brother _ ! What the actual heck!?” She shouted indignantly. 

 

“Give it back!” Gideon screeched. Mabel flung it to Dipper, but Gideon just tackled her brother, knocking the two of them out the window and over the cliff the warehouse overlooked.

 

Mabel gasped and ran after them instinctively. She paused at the window, but then she remembered what she was holding, and what she’d seen Gideon do with it. She imagined herself floating down gently, and catching her brother and the lil’ jerk in mid air. The magic responded to her will, and in a few seconds they were all drifting gently to the ground below.

 

Gideon looked up at her in shock. Mabel frowned at him; she saw him for what he really was now. “It’s over Gideon, I will  _ never date you _ .”

 

“Yeah!” Dipper added, kinda ruining the moment.

 

Mabel flung the amulet down on a sharp rock. With her incredible strength, it was more than enough to shatter the mystical object.

 

“My powers!” Gideon cried. “Oh this isn’t over! Not by a long shot! This ain’t the last ya’ll’ve seen of  _ lil’. ol’. me _ .” He backed away into the shadows.

 

“We can still see you.” Mabel informed the boy.

 

He backed up a bit more. “How ‘bout now?”

 

“Yeah, still.” Dipper said.

 

“Now?”

 

“Uuuuh… I think your hair is too bright.” Mabel said.

 

“Oh for goodness sake, I’m goin’ home.” He finally harrumphed. 

 


	15. Shot Bits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which several stories are truncated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a collection of episodes that wouldn't change enough to justify a whole chapter, but do have some parts I think would be funny.

Here's a collection of short bits of episodes that wouldn't change enough to make a whole new chapter, but do have some parts that I think would be funny.

* * *

 

The Inconveniencing

 

“Hey guys, wanna see something cool?” Wendy asked one day, while she, Dipper, and Mabel were hanging out in Dr. Pines’ repair garage.

 

“What?” Dipper asked curiously.

 

“Check this out.” The teen pulled a big tube with a stock and sight. It looked more like a homemade bazooka than anything else. “You guys heard of a potato launcher?”

 

“Yeah.” Mabel nodded.

 

“Well this is a  _ pinecone _ launcher. Watch this.” She took aim at an overturned flowerpot with a target painted on it, sitting on one of the eaves of the roof, and fired. The pot exploded in a shower of earthenware and pine-scales. “ _ Yuuuuus! _ ”

 

“What in the…?” The window just below the broken target was thrown open and Stanford stuck his head out, looking around nervously for the source of the noise. His panicked expression soon changed to exasperated as he spotted Wendy with her pinecone launcher. “Wendy, you nearly gave me a heart attack!”

 

“Chill, Dr. Pines, you’re not  _ that _ old.” The teen called back with a roll of her eyes.

 

“I hope you intend to clean this up.” Ford said flatly.

 

“Yeah, sure.” She handed the tube over to Mabel and ran up to a pine tree growing beside the house, scaling it in just a few seconds. 

 

Ford rolled his eyes. “You could just use the ladder in the library.”

 

Wendy was kicking away the remains of the flowerpot when a van blaring rock music pulled up. “My friends!” She exclaimed. “You guys mind cleaning the rest of this up?”

 

“Uh…” Mabel paused.

 

“S-sure!” Dipper said quickly.

 

“Thanks, see ya later, dorks!” Wendy vaulted down the tree and ran to the van.

 

Dipper grinned goofily as he watched the van drive away. He was brought out of his stupor as Mabel poked him.

 

"Oooooh, you  _ like _ Wendy!!" She teased.

 

"Wha-ha-what?" The boy stammered. "I mean, o-of course I like Wendy, like, as a friend. She's cool, she's fun, she's  _ really _ smart..."

 

"She's  _ beautiful. _ " Mabel supplied.

 

" _ Oh yeah _ . I-I mean,  _ no _ \--" Dipper backpedaled, "I-I mean...  _ I like her as a friend. _ " He said quickly before Mabel messed him up again.

 

"Yeah, as a  _ boyfriend."  _ Mabel grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.

 

" _ No, _ Mabel, I just... It's just cool that I've met a girl who likes science and stuff."

 

"You can bond over nerd things!" 

 

"Uhrg."

* * *

 

Double Dipper

 

“Why are they holding a school dance if school’s out for the Summer?” Mabel asked.

 

“Oh, some poor attempt at keeping kids out of trouble, I’m sure.” Ford shrugged. “In any case, the PTA’s making  _ me  _ distribute fliers. On top of that, they’re also looking for volunteers to help take tickets. I was hoping the two of your could help me with that.”

 

“Yeah! This is my chance to make some friends here!” The young girl cheered.

 

“Oh, uh…” Dipper hesitated. He wasn’t nearly as interested in going to a big party with tons of middle and high schoolers. While Mabel had fun meeting new people at these kinds of things, he tended to be more of an awkward wallflower. 

 

The boy’s hem-hawing was interrupted when Wendy entered Ford’s office.

 

“W-Wendy! What’re you doing here?” Dipper asked in surprise.

 

“Oh, hey dudes. Yeah, I had a few detentions I couldn’t serve before the end of the school year, so I got dragged into helping out with this.” The teen explained with a roll of her eyes. Then her expression brightened. “But it’ll be  _ way _ more fun if you guys are there! I’m working the ticket stand, wanna help me?”

 

“Yeah, totally!” Dipper said a little too eagerly, with a huge grin.

 

“That settles that, I suppose.” Ford said. “Now we’ve just got to copy these fliers. Take these down to the office, would you?”

 

“Why don’t you just use that one?” Mabel asked, pointing at a decrepit old copy machine that was almost the size of the teacher’s desk.

 

“Oh,  _ that _ .” Dr. Pines looked at the thing like he’d forgotten it was there. “It’s broken. I mainly keep it in here because I ran out of room in the garage.”

 

“Dude, why don’t you throw that thing out?” Wendy asked.

 

“Eh, I’ll get around to fixing it one of these days.” Ford waved her notion off, before getting a text. “Oh, Soos is here with the DJ equipment. Wendy and I’ll go help him set up, you kids go get those copies made.”

 

Dipper knelt down and opened a panel in the ancient copy machine the second they were gone.

 

“What’cha doin’, Bro-bro?” Mabel asked. “Grunkle Ford said that thing’s busted.”

 

“Yeah, but wouldn’t it be cool if I fixed it? I bet I could!” The boy said with a confident grin. He looked at the wires behind the panel and found one that had become loose.

 

“... Are you trying to impress Wendy?” The girl smirked slyly. 

 

“What? Hahah, no! I mean, I guess… I’m trying to impress Grunkle Ford…  _ and _ Wendy. But not  _ just _ her.  _ Individually _ .” He re-connected the wire and reached to the top of the machine to lever himself back into a standing position. Dipper’s rewiring started up the copying process, and it scanned his hand. The copier spit out a paper with his hand’s mirror image.

 

“Success!” Mabel cheered.

* * *

 

The Time Traveler’s Pig

 

The Roadkill County Fair was in town. Dipper had asked Wendy to hang out, Mabel had won a pig, and Lil’ Gideon had set up a dunk tank that Ford was currently trying to dunk the little monster into.

 

“Hey Grunkle Ford, have you seen Wendy?” Dipper asked the old man.

 

“Ah, Dipper, there you are!” Ford said, turning away from staring intently at the dunk tank’s mechanics. “You wouldn’t happen to have two bucks you can lend me?”

 

Oh dear. Dipper was pretty sure he’d seen his uncle had at least twenty dollars in cash when he’d paid for their tickets this morning. “Uh, Grunkle Ford, you  _ do _ realize repeatedly paying for the dunk tank is exactly what Gideon  _ wants _ , right?”

 

“It’s the principal of the thing!” Ford insisted vehemently. 

* * *

 

The Deep End

 

It was the hottest day on record in Gravity Falls, and the Pines family had decided to take refuge at the pool. 

 

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone!” Mabel exclaimed as they walked in, observing a particularly cute boy leaning on an inflatable mattress in the water. “Who’s  _ that _ !?”

 

“Oh yeah.” Soo observed. “Word is the dude never leaves the pool. Some kinda  _ mysterious loner _ .”

 

“Omigosh, he’s got a little  _ mustache _ !” The young girl squeed.

 

“Ew.” Dipper said flatly.

 

“Clearly, you are enamoured.” Soos said theatrically. “ _ Go to him _ .”

 

“Weeeeeeell…” Mabel hesitated, looking up to Grunkle Ford.

 

“What?” He asked, confused.

 

“Well, you were right about my last two crushes being terrible. What d’you think of  _ this _ guy?”

 

The old teacher shrugged. “I couldn’t say. I’ve never seen him before. He seems alright, I suppose.”

 

That was enough for Mabel. She giggled excitedly and ran down the length of the pool, tripping over almost everything along the way.

 

Less than half an hour later, Ford got into a dispute with Gideon over lawn chair territory. They’d been about to go to blows when they caught the attention of Wendy, the lifeguard. 

 

“Stop it right there!” She yelled after blowing her whistle. “You, old man, two hours in Pool Jail.”

 

“What!?” Ford exclaimed in disbelief. “ _ He started it _ !”

 

“Dr. Pines, you’re like  _ three times _ that kid’s size.”

 

Gideon gave an evil giggle and slipped away, his mischief managed. 

 

“Wendy,  _ please _ , I can’t handle prison life!” Ford pleaded.

 

“Sorry Ford, it’s not up to me.” The lifeguard smirked. “Actually it is.”


	16. Ford VS Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mabel attempts to teach Ford the finer points of dating.

 

The Pines family sat at a booth in Greasy's Diner, looking over the breakfast menu. Lazy Susan came by to take their order.

 

“Hiya handsome, what can I get for ya this morning?” She asked in her nasally voice.

 

“Hello Susan.” Ford said pleasantly, although he was currently preoccupied staring down each patron in the restaurant. “You have a children’s menu, right?”

 

“ _ Maybe _ . Wink!”

 

“... Taking that as a ‘yes’ then. I’ll have a breakfast burrito, how about you kids?”

 

“Grunkle Ford, can we have pancakes?” Mabel asked.

 

“If they have them on the children’s menu, then yes.” the old man confirmed. “How about you, Dipper?”

 

“Huh?” Dipper was startled out of trying to watch Wendy over the top of his menu as unobviously as possible.

 

“Whaddya want for breakfast, goofus?” Mabel repeated.

 

“Oh, uh, pancakes are good, yeah.” Dipper said distractedly, trying to duck under his menu to avoid Manly Dan’s glare. Lazy Susan had just left with their order when another person walked in, making Dipper glare himself. _ Robbie _ .

 

"Hey Wendy, imagine seeing you here." Robbie said with a feeble attempt at suaveness. 

 

"... You know that I come here with my dad  _ every  _ Thursday during the summer." She replied with a smirk.

 

"Uh...huh... Yeah..." The goth teen choked out, before changing gears. "I was... Wondering if you wanted to hang out later?"

 

Dipper was glad their order hadn’t come yet, because if he'd had food, he'd have choked on it. He had to do something, and  _ fast _ . The boy took a deep breath, ready to do something he'd normally find  _ really _ embarrassing.

 

"Hey Wendy!" He called across the diner. It did the trick. Not only did Wendy and Robbie look his way, but he'd also gotten Mabel's attention.

 

" _ Omigosh Wendy! _ Hi Wendy! Hey, over here! It's me, Mabel! Oh Look, your other friend from that one night at that one store is here too!  _ Hi Robbie _ !"

 

Wendy laughed and waved back at them. Robbie did not look nearly as pleased. In fact, he was walking over to their booth right now.

 

"Oh, hello Robbie." Ford said awkwardly when he noticed the teen.

 

"Uuuuuh, hey Dr. Pines..." Robbie murmured, apparently just noticing the old teacher.

 

"Er... How's your summer going so far?" Apparently it was just as awkward for teachers meeting students outside of class.

 

"It's fine. Uh, actually I came over here to talk to Dipper. I uh," The teen cast his eyes around, as though looking for an excuse. "I wanted to show him that Manliness Tester, thought he'd get a kick out of that."

 

With that, Robbie grabbed Dipper by the collar of his vest and dragged him across the diner.

 

"Ow, Robbie, what the heck?" Dipper asked as the teen shoved him into the old videogame.

 

"I could ask you the same thing! You got a problem with me talking to Wendy?"

 

“Uh, ah, no…” the boy stammered.

 

“ _ Pch _ , please, you really think no one saw you staring at her? You’re not as sneaky as you think, kid.” Robbie said disparagingly. “You expect me to believe you just  _ happened _ to decide to say ‘hi’ the second I wanted to talk to her?”

 

“Uh, well…”

 

“So what’s the deal, you got a thing for her?” The teen said in a low, mocking whisper

 

“No!” Dipper whispered insistently.

 

“Yeah, cuz I’m sure she’s  _ dying _ to go out with a little kid.”

 

“I-I’m not a little kid!” 

 

“Oh yeah?” Robbie raised an eyebrow, pointing to the manliness tester. “Prove it!”

 

Dipper gritted his teeth and nodded. He’d show Robbie, he was almost 13! He was plenty manly! The boy clutched the handle tightly, squeezing with all his might and groaning with effort. The rickety old videogame lit up and beeped with increasing frequency. Finally, Dipper's hand couldn't take it any more and he let go with a panting gasp. The machine sounded a buzzer and popped out a little certificate.

 

_ You're a cutie-patootie!  _ It read.

 

"Uh, this thing's totally broken!" Dipper laughed nervously.

 

" _ Pch,  _ let me show you how a  _ real  _ man does it." Robbie smirked. The teen stepped up confidently to the thing and grasped the handle firmly. As he squeezed he tried to avoid making the same grunts of effort that Dipper had been making, but it was clear from the way sweat beaded on his face that he was having just as hard a time of it. Finally, the buzzer rang and Robbie let go, cradling his hand.

 

" _ Ah man, I'm gonna have to massage this out later. _ " He muttered under his breath. He took the certificate gingerly.

 

_ You're a middle-aged woman! _ His said.

 

"Yeah, this thing's like, a fossil, no way it's working..." Robbie agreed.

 

Suddenly, Manly Dan stepped between them, pushing both as side with his massive muscular body.

 

"Uh, it's rickety man, you don't wanna..." Dipper warned feebly.

 

"Thing's totally busted, it's not..." Robbie protested weakly.

 

Manly Dan pushed the handle back with his left pinky finger. All the lights went off at once and the little muscular man on top blew off.

 

"Pancakes for everyone!" Dan yelled with a grin, while the rest of the restaurant cheered.

 

Dipper trudged back to the booth where his family was sitting with a heavy sigh.

 

"Don't feel bad, bro." Mabel comforted him. "Not everybody can be  _ manly mannington." _

 

"Hey, I am  _ too _ Manly Manny or whatever." The boy insisted.

 

Mabel laughed. "No offence, Dipper, but  _ I've  _ got more muscles than you! And you sing BABBA in the bathroom when you baby-wipe yourself off instead of showering!"

 

"Kids still listen to BABBA?" Ford asked in surprise.

 

"Nope, just weirdos like Dipper."

 

The boy huffed and sank into his seat.

 

"Relax, Dipper." Ford put a reassuring hand on the kid's shoulder. "You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you're as manly as you feel."

 

"I don't feel very manly right  _ now _ ." The boy grumbled.

 

Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of Lazy Susan with their plates.

 

"Food!" She declared, setting down three plates of pancakes and a breakfast burrito.

 

"Uh, Susan, we only ordered two plates of pancakes." Stanford pointed out.

 

"I know!" She said slyly. " _ Wink!  _ I made those special, just for you!"

 

"Er... I don't think I have the cash to cover more pancakes..."

 

"It's on the house, silly!" She insisted. "Silly man..." She chuckled under her breath, walking away.

 

"What was that all about?" Mabel asked.

 

"That's what  _ I'd  _ like to know..." Ford said, a suspicious frown on his face. That wasn't normal behavior for Susan at all... 

 

"Wait a second, I'm getting an idea here..."

 

Her eyes had looked normal...

 

"You, and her..."

 

Perhaps it was some side-effect of the Blind-Eye's memory gun?

 

"A-ha! Lazy Susan has a crush on you!"

 

Stanford nearly choked on his breakfast burrito in surprise. "Wh- _ chough _ -what!?" He looked over to where the waitress was attempting to fix the spinning pie trolley. She waved at him and tried to smile coyly.

 

"That  _ would  _ explain a few things." Dipper agreed.

 

"You should totally ask her out!" Mabel practically screamed.

 

Ford looked down at his plate awkwardly. "I'd never really... thought about her like that before..." Honestly he'd never really thought about  _ anyone _ that way before. Sure, he'd often hoped to get girls to talk to him, maybe win one's affection. But that had always been the nebulous idea of " _ someone _ ". Now that he unexpectedly had Susan's attention, quite by accident, he suddenly felt a bit squeamish about the whole thing.

 

"I dunno Mabel, I've never been good at the dating thing." Ford finally said.

 

The colorful girl reached across the table and grabbed her uncle's head, making him look her in the eye.

 

"Grunkle Ford, you are a grumpy, paranoid, weird old man, but we are gonna get you and Susan together, because  _ nothing  _ is stronger than the power of..."

 

"Love?" Dipper asked.

 

" _ Mabel."  _ His sister corrected. "To victory!" She cheered, and chugged her glass of orange juice.

* * *

  
  


Dipper, who wanted nothing to do with Mabel's latest matchmaking scheme, had left to the woods to try and figure out his manliness problem. He'd been making progress, bench pressing a whole stick four times, when a rumbling shook the forest. A flock of forest animals ran past. Surprisingly, Manly Dan was with them.

 

"For the love of all that's holey,  _ run! _ " The lumberjack shouted.

 

Dipper ducked behind an old log to hide, but his curiosity got the better of him. He peeked around the top to see what was making all that ruckus. A tall, brown, hairy creature with horns and a cow-like face stood in the clearing, using a buck's antlers to scratch its back. The thing suddenly looked his way and charged over, swatting away the log.

 

" _ You!! _ " It roared. Dipper screamed. "... Gonna finish that?" The beast pointed to a bag of jerky that had fallen out of the boy's pack. The boy shook his head mutely, and the creature stooped down and began devouring jerky by the fist-full.

 

"Wow." Dipper breathed. "Part man, part bull! Are you some sort of minotaur?"

 

"I'm a  _ Manotaur! _ " The creature corrected. "Half man, half... uh...  _ taur! Yeah! _ " It cut off its proud proclamation and sniffed the air. "I smell...  _ emotional issues. _ "

 

Dipper sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I've got problems. Man-related problems."

 

The Manotaur sat down heavily and patted its lap. Dipper lay down his head and opened up. "Well, I failed this sort of Manliness video game, and my own sister thinks I'm a wimp." The Manotaur nodded as the boy went on, "Hey, you seem like a pretty manly-man. Could you maybe give me a few pointers?"

 

"Hmm. Very well. Climb atop my back-hair, child!"

* * *

  
  


Back in the Shack, Mabel had just gotten all her gear together to start teaching Stanford how to date.

 

“Ok, so Susan obviously already likes you, so we’ll forego the makeover for now.” She started, setting aside her makeup kit. “Let’s practice conversation!”

 

Ford grimaced. “That’s never been a strong point of mine.”

 

“Don’t you have to have conversations with people when you teach at school?” Mabel asked.

 

“That’s different. I know what I need to say at school. It’s… well, it’s not exactly  _ rehearsed _ , but… I’m in control of the situation.” He explained.

 

“Don’t worry Grunkle Ford, I’ll  _ teach _ you the things you need to say!” The colorful girl reassured him. “Now, pretend I’m Lazy Susan. How do you greet me?”

 

“Er…” The old man shifted his gaze around nervously. It felt weird talking like this to Mabel. Maybe it’d be easier to imagine she was Susan if he didn’t look at her. “Hello Susan, how are you today?”

 

“Ok, lesson number one,  _ eye contact. _ ” Mabel said, grabbing her Grunkle by the face again and making him look at her. “If ya don’t make eye contact with people they’ll think you’re trying to hide something or whatever.”

 

Ford gulped. Usually he  _ was _ trying to hide something or whatever.

 

“And your greeting was  _ ok _ ,” the romance guru continued, “But you could do a whole lot better than generic old ‘Hello, how are you’. Try something more exciting and personalized, like ‘Hey beautiful, anything exciting happen since the last time we talked?’”

 

“Those  _ exact _ words?”

 

“Well sure! Girls love to be told they’re beautiful, and they love to know you’re interested in what they’re doing or thinking! But if you really want, we can try out some different greetings too, find one that you like.”

 

And so Mabel walked him through a handful of greetings, compliments, and other romantic gestures. Throughout the whole thing Ford felt more and more uncomfortable and frustrated.

 

“Remember, good posture and eye contact convey confidence!” Mabel restated, as she did before each romance tip. “Now, to ask her about her interests. Most boys just try to guess what a girl likes by talking about their own interests and seeing if she agrees or not, but it’s really better to just ask early on in the date. You try.”

 

Ford took a deep breath. “So, what kind of music do you like?”

 

“Oh, I like 80’s pop-rock!” Mabel replied.

 

“Oh, that’s nice.”

 

Mabel sat for a second.

 

Five seconds.

 

Ten.

 

“Yeah,  _ and _ ?” She finally encouraged.

 

“And what? I don’t know a thing about 80’s pop-rock!”

 

“Well, you could ask her what her favorite band or song is.”

 

“I doubt I’d recognize any of them.”

 

“Or you could  _ at least _ tell her what kind of music  _ you _ like.”

 

“I doubt someone who likes 80’s pop-rock would be interested in experimental synth-jazz.”

 

“You don’t have to  _ agree _ about it, you just have to  _ talk _ about it!”

 

“And what would talking about something we have disparate tastes in accomplish?” Ford asked, finally getting fed up. “Mabel, this all just feels…  _ fake _ to me.”

 

“It’s not  _ fake _ Grunkle Ford, talking about stuff you disagree about helps you learn to deal with conflict in your relationship!” Mabel explained.

 

“ _ Relationship _ !?” The man gasped. “I-I-I haven’t even gone on a  _ date _ with her and I’m supposed… we’re already talking about a  _ relationship _ !?”

 

“Well, there’s no harm in a little optimistic planning ahead, right?” Mabel shrugged.

 

Stanford could feel his breaths shortening. “ _ This _ is moving way too fast.”

 

Mabel finally took notice of how uncomfortable her Grunkle had become. “I’m sorry, Grunkle Ford, we can slow down if you want. Lazy Susan’s kinda old, she’s probably got a pretty small dating pool, so she’ll probably wait for you.”

 

“I’m not so sure I want her to wait for me.” Ford said.

 

“Oh, Grunkle Ford, don’t think like that!” She cried, “You deserve to have a happy romantic relationship!”

 

“That’s not what I meant, Mabel.” He clarified.

 

“Oh… do you not like Susan the way she likes you?”

 

“She’s a great woman, I’m sure, but no.”

 

“That’s ok! You can still use these tips on other girls!”

 

“No, Mabel…”

 

“Or other boys, if that’s what you’re into!”

 

“Mabel, I’m not  _ into _ anything.” Ford said slowly, so she’d understand. “I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I’m just not interested in a romantic relationship.”

 

“But… but don’t you want to be with someone who makes you happy?” The young girl stammered.

 

“You and your brother make me happy. And Wendy and Soos!” Ford insisted. “A friend can make me happy without all this romance stuff that, frankly, just feels artificial coming out of my mouth.”

 

“Oh…” Mabel said, processing this new information. “I guess, since romantic stuff makes  _ me _ so happy, I never really thought other people  _ wouldn’t _ want it. I just thought helping you with this would help make you happy.”

 

“Well, I appreciate the thought, at least.” Ford reassured her. “Y’know, I could still use your help letting Susan down easy.”

 

“You got it, Grunkle Ford!”

* * *

  
  


They arrived at the diner just in time for the lull between the lunch rush and dinner. No one was there except for Lazy Susan, who was still trying to fix that darn spinning pie display.

 

“Uh… hello, Susan.” Ford said to her as they walked up.

 

“Heeeeeey you!” She said with a smile. “And what brings you here in the middle of the day with no one here but us?”

 

“Well, ah, it’s come to my attention that you… uh… as it’s called now, have a ‘crush’ on me.”

 

Susan giggled. “‘Bout time you noticed!”

 

Ford gulped and wrung his hands behind his back. “I’m flattered, really, but, well, I’m really not looking to be in a relationship right now. Or ever, really.” Susan’s grin faltered. “But it’s not you, I promise, it’s me.” He tried to reassure her.

 

“Oh, I see…” Susan frowned and turned away.

 

Ford looked down at Mabel, who shrugged. This wasn’t what he wanted at all, he didn’t want to upset the poor woman, it wasn’t her fault.

 

“But, uh, just to show there’s no hard feelings, maybe you’d like some help fixing that rotating display?”

 

Susan turned back to face them. A small smile had returned to her face. “Yeah, that’d be really helpful.”

  
  


Dipper trudged back from the woods that afternoon looking about how you’d expect a 12-year-old to look after fighting a Multibear. He scuffed the ground thoughtfully as he walked, sure he’d done the right thing but still feeling like he’d never be a man.

 

“Dipper!” Mabel called to him through the window of Greasy's Diner, jolting him out of his thoughts. “It’s me Mabel! I’m looking at you through the glass! Can you see me?” 

 

The boy nodded and came inside to join his family. Ford was eating a pie he had earned as thanks for fixing the spinning pie display. The old man did a double-take when he noticed the state his nephew was in.

 

“Are you ok? What happened?” The Grunkle asked in concern.

 

“I’m fine, I just...  I don’t wanna talk about it, ok?” Dipper insisted.

 

“Oh, alright then.” Ford said.

 

Mabel placed a caring arm around her brother. “What’s wrong, bro?”

 

Dipper took a deep sigh and opened up. “It’s just, I started hanging out with these tough manly bull guys to try and learn some stuff about manliness myself…”

 

Ford raised an eyebrow in surprise. The boy had  _ just _ said he  _ didn’t _ want to talk about it. Sometimes these kids made no sense to him.

 

“But they wanted me to do this really horrible thing.” Dipper continued. “So I said no.”

 

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think standing up for what you think is right is much more manly than big muscles or body hair.” Ford said.

 

“Yeah!” Mabel agreed. “Being brave and doing the right thing when no one else is super manly and junk!” 

 

“So… you don’t think I’m a wimp?”

 

“No way bro. Sorry if all my joking around this morning made you think that.”

 

And so they went home. In spite of the lesson he’d just learned, Dipper  _ still _ got overly excited when he found he’d grown a chest hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I headcanon Ford as aro/ace so here's a little chapter acknowledging that. I kinda based this off my own experience... sorta?


	17. A Widdle Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gideon shows his hand.

Gideon Gleeful sat in his room, a single light illuminating the book he read. The pages flipped by in a flurry of paper as he browsed for an entry that would suit his needs.

 

“Hmm… Selkies? Nah, I wanna get’em to talk, not drown ‘em…. Summon a wind storm? No, no, that could tear up the Tent ‘O Telepathy ifn’ I lose control of it.” The evil boy chuckled to himself. “This is about more than revenge. This is about more than reclaimin’ the love o’my life! Y’can’t hide yer secrets from me forever…” He closed the book, revealing the golden silhouette of a six-fingered hand on the cover, “Stanford Pines!”

* * *

  
  


Mabel and Dipper were watching Ducktective while Grunkle Ford tried not to get into the story when the doorbell rang. Ford tensed. He wasn’t expecting anyone, and judging by the kids’ reactions, they weren’t either. He strode across the house to the front door briskly. It was probably just a student come to talk to him, or maybe even Soos, come back early from his aunt’s house. There was no need to get worked up. He’d come a long way from asking someone who came to the door if they were a changeling. The old scientist peeked through the blinds to check on whoever stood on his porch. It was a well-groomed man in a suit.

 

“No solicitors!” Ford barked through the door.

 

“Stanford Pines?” The man asked imperiously.

 

“I  _ said _ no solicitors,” The old scientist insisted, opening a door a crack to show this guy he meant business, “now get off my property before I use my magnet gun to rip the fillings out of your mouth!”

 

“Please, Dr. Pines, we’d like to do a profile of you in  _ Scientific Oregonian _ .” The man explained. “If you’d just sign here….”

 

Stanford scoffed. “You expect me to fall for that? Even if such a publication exists, which I doubt it does, I haven’t done anything that would warrant them wanting a profile of me in years. Decades, actually.”

 

“Um… it’s for our teacher appreciation issue?”

 

Ford slammed the door shut. Just seconds later he heard an angry cry.

 

“What!? That’s not fair!” Gideon whined, coming out from his hiding spot under the porch. “He wouldn’t even open the door all the way! I didn’t even get a chance to implement my plan! It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

 

“Ha! Unbridled paranoia wins again!” Ford hummed proudly to himself.

 

“Why is Gideon throwing a tantrum on our front porch?” Dipper asked as he and Mabel came in the entryway, intending to investigate the shouting.

 

“I think that’s a question we  _ don’t _ want to know the answer to.” Mabel said.

* * *

  
  


Later that day, Mabel’s friends Candy and Grenda came over to visit. Eventually they settled on playing a boardgame called Kleptocracy. It struck a nice balance for Dipper and Candy’s desire for a more complex game and Mabel and Grenda’s desire for something colorful and cute.

 

Dipper landed on an orange space and picked an orange card. “Draw three livestock cards from the opponent on your left.” He smirked and looked over at Mabel. She sighed in defeat and spread out her hand. Her brother took three cards. “Yes! And with that goat, I can upgrade my farm to the final level! Ooooh! Dipper wins again!”

 

The three girls groaned. Dipper’s winning streak of the last four games they’d played remained unbroken, although Candy had at least given him a run for his money at chess.

 

“Uhg, all this losing to your brother is making me hungry!” Grenda complained. “What have you got that’s sweet and covered in chocolate?”

 

“Luckily for you guys, Grunkle Ford has a  _ huge _ sweet-tooth!” Mabel grinned.

 

“Ooh, I want to see it!” Candy giggled.

 

“Mabel, are you forgetting something?” Dipper asked. “Like the fact that he hides his candy stash in the cabinet above the fridge where we can’t reach?”

 

“That’s what you think, broseph.” Mabel said slyly. “I made an amazing discovery this morning! Come see!”

 

The other kids followed Mabel into the kitchen, where they found Soos.

 

“Oh, hey Soos, could you grab us a few Reese's Cups from up above the fridge?” Dipper asked.

 

“Sure thing dude. Think I’ll get myself a Shmez dispenser while I’m at it.”

 

“No,” Mabel stopped the mechanic, “I’m gonna do it!” She stood on her tiptoes and reached up, opening the door and grabbing a handful of candy. “Ta-daaaa!”

 

“Whoa! Lemme try that!” Dipper insisted. He stood up on his tippy toes and tried to reach the cabinet. His hand was just short of the door. “What!? This is  _ impossible _ , we’re the same height, we’ve  _ always _ been the same height!”

 

“Actually, I’d estimate she’s one millimeter taller than you.” Soos corrected.

 

The girls giggled at Dipper’s disbelief.

 

“Don’t you see, Dipper? This is just the beginning! I’m evolving into the superior sibling!” Mabel crowed.

 

“You are like Monstermon!” Candy exclaimed.

 

“You’re like a candy-grabbing amazon!” Grenda added.

 

“You’re like some sorta Alpha-twin!” Soos continued.

 

“Alpha-twin! Alpha-twin! Alpha-twin!” the girls chanted.

 

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Come on guys, no one even uses millimeters!” He defended.

 

“We use millimeters in Korea!” Candy said, “So she is taller, from my perspective.”

 

“Y’know, I always wanted a little brother…” Mabel said smugly. “Who knew I already had one! Hahaha! Zing!”

 

The girls all laughed as Stanford walked in.

 

“What are you knuckleheads up to?” He asked.

 

“Uh, definitely not stealing your candy, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Grenda lied.

 

“I’m taller than Dipper!” Mabel declared proudly.

 

“By  _ one _ millimeter.” Her brother added quickly.

 

“It’s ok Dipper, you don’t have to get…hehe… _ short _ with us!” Candy snickered.

 

“Oh, Candy, I hope you don’t think  _ little _ of him!” Mabel added.

 

“Yeah! And… and… he’s short!” Grenda chuckled. “Yeah, nailed it!”

 

“Stop it guys!” Dipper cried indignantly. “It’s just a stupid millimeter, it doesn’t even matter!”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Dipper.” Ford reassured him. “Girls typically hit their growth spurt earlier than boys. I should think  _ both _ of you are smart enough not to fight over something so small.”

 

“ _ Snrk _ . Small.” Mabel barely concealed a laugh. Dipper growled.

 

“Uh, maybe you dudes should lay off a tiny bit.” Soos advised.

 

“Tiny! Yeah!” Grenda cheered. “Soos is in on it!”

 

Dipper stormed off, completely missing Soos’s protests that he hadn’t meant it like that at all. He was so mad he didn’t notice Wendy coming through the door the other way. He bumped into her in the entryway.

 

“Oh. Hey, short-stuff!” Wendy greeted him jovially. The boy groaned and pushed past her to the front door.

 

“...What’s his problem?” She asked.

* * *

  
  


Stanford sat reading in the library. It was shaping up to be a quiet afternoon. Dipper was out exploring, and Mabel was doing stuff with her friends. His temporary peace was interrupted by a knocking at the door. He tensed and glanced out the window. Gideon. Oh dear… although, without anyone else around, maybe this was Ford’s chance to have a talk he’d been wanting to have for a long time.

 

“Gideon.” Ford said curtly as he opened the door.

 

“Dr. Pines.” The white-haired boy answered back.

 

They stared each other down for a while, sizing each other up, waiting for the other to make a move.

 

Stanford finally broke the silence. “I believe you have something that belongs to me.”

 

“Do I?” Gideon asked coyly.

 

“Don’t play dumb with me, kid!” Ford shouted. “Red book, gold handprint on the cover,  _ my _ hand!”

 

“Hmm, it _ might _ sound familiar…” The boy tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Maybe if’n I had some information to jog my memory….”

 

Ford’s fists shook with anger, but he tried to compose himself. “Please, you don’t understand, I  _ need _ it to help someone in trouble.”

 

“Well, maybe we can work together. I’ll help you help your friend, and you help me gain _ ultimate power _ !”

 

“What!?” Ford asked in confusion. He’d been expecting Gideon to ask for money, or information about magic. But just full out power? “The-they’re research journals! Sure, there are some spells and objects that could be abused for power, but… ‘Ultimate Power’? What is that even supposed to mean?”

 

“My, my, you don’t remember everything you wrote down in that there journal, do you?” Gideon chuckled condescendingly.

 

Ford felt something he hadn’t for a few years: the fuzzy, tingly sensation in his brain of his memories trying to make a connection that had long since been severed. All he could think was it must be related to the portal, and to Bill.

 

“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into! There are things in that Journal that are  _ dangerous _ , not just to you but to the whole universe!” The old man warned.

 

“Liar!” Gideon shouted. “You just want the power to yerself! Well, I thought that might be the case, so I had a back-up plan! Cursed Egyptian Termites!” The boy held up a jar of glowing red insects.

 

Ford smirked. He may not remember everything he wrote down in the Journals, but he did remember these. “Cursed termites, eh? And did you include a charm to prevent a counter-curse?”

 

“Wha?” Gideon asked blankly.

 

“ _ Is é an ceann a bheidh i seilbh tú do namhaid. _ ” The scientist recited the counter-curse he’d learned from a leprecorn some time shortly before Bill’s betrayal. Probably the only good thing to come of leprecorns  _ ever _ .

 

The insects in the jar changed from red to green, shattered the jar, and swarmed all over Gideon’s hair. The evil boy ran away screaming. Normally Ford would have gotten a little amusement out of this, but he had too much to worry about at the moment. He retreated to the secret passage behind the bookcase to start planning.

* * *

  
  


Little did Gideon know, there was another argument happening just on the other side of the house. The boy was so busy trying to swat away the last of the termites that he didn’t notice Mabel and Dipper fighting over a modified flashlight. He nearly tripped over the thing when it rolled in front of him.

 

“What delightful manner of dohickery is this?” Gideon wondered to himself as he picked it up.

 

“Maybe he wasn’t paying attention and doesn’t know it’s a magic flashlight that can grow and shrink stuff…” Mabel muttered to her brother, though not nearly quietly enough.

 

“Really?” Dipper asked her incredulously, gesturing to the evil nine-year-old standing less than a foot away.

 

Gideon flicked on the growth-ray and tested it on a nearby flower, then switched it over to a shrink-ray and shrunk it back to normal. He glanced evilly at the young twins standing before him.

 

“No no no n--” they protested before the white-haired boy shrunk them down to just a few inches.

 

“Heeheeheehee!” He giggled triumphantly. “I been goin’ about this all wrong! I’ll use his family against him!”

* * *

  
  


Down in the portal lab, under the house, Ford paced restlessly as he tried to think of what to do now. He’d always suspected that Gideon may have found one of the Journals, the kid’s psychic act had been  _ too _ convincing, gained popularity  _ too _ fast. But now that he knew for sure, he wasn’t sure how to proceed. He’d always been afraid to confirm his suspicions because of Gideon’s proximity to Bud and the rest of the Society of the Blind Eye. It was this same proximity that stopped him from just barging into the Gleefuls’ house right now and stealing the Journal back. There would be no use in getting the Journal back if they just erased away everything he’d worked so hard to relearn. And what if they went after the kids? He knew from experience the Blind Eye had no problem erasing high schoolers’ minds. It was doubtful twelve-year-olds would be any different.

 

Ford looked out over the portal machine. He hadn’t worked on it for six years, and hadn’t made any real progress since 1991. If he could get one more Journal, one more piece of the puzzle, could he finally fix it so Bill couldn’t use it? Or would he still need all three for that? Or was activating the portal safely impossible, with or without the Journals?

 

He tried not to think about that. He needed to try anyway. Stanley had waited long enough.

 

If he was even still alive….

 

Stanford shook himself from these thoughts. There was another reason he needed to get that Journal back. From the way Gideon had been acting, Ford worried exactly how much Gideon had learned of Bill from the Journal. Had the boy gotten curious, like Ford had all those years ago, and summoned the demonic triangle for answers? Or had he simply performed the summoning as a joke, thinking the whole book was a fake? Or maybe the kid hadn’t summoned Bill at all, and only read what Stanford had written.

 

The scientist wished he could read those old notes. His memories of Bill were spotty at best.

 

An alarm on his phone beeped, signaling it was time for Soos to come to work. Ford would have to find a solution later.

 

Today they were working on a shiny chrome-plated washing machine. Ford really didn’t get why a washing machine of all things needed to look like it had come out of some sci-fi movie from the 90’s, but Soos said chrome appliances looked cutting-edge. Which it certainly was, the thing had more settings than a good stereo. Ford had just taken some of the outer shell off to get a look at the wiring inside when the phone rang. 

 

“I got it!” Soos shot up and raced to the garage office to grab the phone, dropping his lunch in the process. “Whoops! Ten second rule!” The young mechanic declared, stopping in his tracks to pick up his sandwich. “I’ll clean up that mayo later.” He resumed running into the office. “It’s for you, dude!” He called.

 

Ford shook his head fondly as he got up to answer the phone. Of course it was. It always was, but that didn’t stop Soos from dashing to answer it every time.

 

As the young mechanic left the room to let his boss speak on the phone privately, he noticed the toolkit Ford had left lying there. The  _ Boss _ toolkit. He picked it up reverently and admired his reflection in the chrome paneling. “One day…”

 

In the office, Ford was none too happy to find his caller was Gideon Gleeful.

 

“Stanford Pines, listen carefully. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over yer Journal and the deed to yer property, or great harm will befall them!”

 

“You really expect me to believe you outsmarted Dipper  _ and _ overpowered Mabel?” Ford scoffed. “That’s more unlikely than some random publication wanting to write a profile about me.”

 

“You don’t believe me?” Gideon asked, “I will text you a photo!”

 

“This is a landline.” the old scientist informed him.

 

“Oh. Well, I don’t have your cell number, could you tell me?”

 

“No!” Ford said incredulously, hanging up the phone. What kind of question was that? Why would he give his personal cell number to his enemy? And anyway, he knew Gideon had to be bluffing. The last time he saw the kids they were wrestling or something outside. As long as they were together Gideon couldn’t manage to do much to them, right?

* * *

  
  


“I daresay you would have defeated me, if it wasn’t for your sibling bickering!” Gideon cackled as he scooped up Mabel and Dipper. The young twins had escaped his clutches, stolen back the magic flashlight, and had almost managed to regrow themselves when an argument over a simple millimeter had alerted the little monster to their plot.

 

Gideon snuck up to the front door of the garage, which led directly into Stanford’s office. He could hear someone moving around in there. This was it. He opened the door and immediately fired the shrink-ray into the room.

 

“Well, well, Stanford, it appears I’ve finally gotten the best of-- what!?” The evil boy exclaimed.

 

“Whoa. Something is definitely going on here…” a tiny Soos said from the seat of the office chair.

 

Gideon scooped up the miniature mechanic and dropped him in a jar with the tiny twins. “Tell me where Stanford is!”

 

“Never! You’ll never find him in the main garage working on a fancy washing machine!” Soos confessed.

 

“Soos!” Dipper yelled at him.

 

“Oh. Aw man, sorry dude, it just popped out!”

 

Gideon giggled evilly. “I’m comin’ for ya, Stanford!” 

* * *

  
  


Ford heard the commotion in the office and snuck over to the door that led from the main garage to his office. He peeked through the peep-hole and saw Gideon shrink Soos. The size-altering crystals! He’d attached it to a flashlight and turned it into some sort of shrink-ray! This was a disaster! The little troll already had Soos, and if he had this, maybe he really had kidnapped Dipper and Mabel!

 

The scientist acted fast. The chrome plating from that ornate washing machine would be reflective enough to bounce away the magical beam of light, providing him with both a shield and a weapon against Gideon.

 

Speaking of whom, the evil boy burst through the door, brandishing the shrink-ray like a gun. “Found you, Stanford!”

 

“Gideon, you can either tell me where my great-nibblings are right now, or I can send you home in that jar.” Ford threatened, holding the chrome panel like a shield.

 

“If yer so worried about them, then you’ll share yer secrets with me!”

 

As the two did battle with the shrink-ray and deflector, Dipper, Mabel, and Soos had escaped the jar and were currently climbing up around the back of Gideon’s neck. Or at least the pocket of fat beneath his head that  _ passed _ as a neck. Dipper had come up with a brilliant plan to tickle Gideon into submission, but they weren’t having much luck finding any weak spots through all the fat. They were obviously causing  _ some _ discomfort, though, because the evil boy reached up to swat them, knocking Soos off.

 

“Aaaaa-oof!” Soos screamed until he landed in a soft, creamy, vinegary substance. “Mayonnaise can be a powerful force in the universe.” He said sagely, then began eating his way out of the mess. After all, he had told Dr. Pines he’d clean it up later.

 

Speaking of Dr. Pines, he was currently trying to reflect the shrink-ray’s beam back at Gideon, but the kid was more agile than his pudgy body-type would lead one to believe. The evil boy charged forward and actually managed to knock Ford’s shield away.

 

“Finally after all these years, after every humiliation! Yer knowledge, yer family, everything will finally be mine!” Gideon crowed triumphantly, backing Ford into a corner. “You got nobody to protect you now! Prepare for the wrath of Gideon Glee--” The boy stuttered. “Gideon glee--” He began to laugh uncontrollably and curled into a ball.

 

For a moment, Ford was scared the kid was having some sort of epileptic episode, or maybe he’d suddenly been possessed. But no, closer examination revealed the boy was being tickled by… nothing, as far as the scientist could see.

 

Ford really didn’t want to pick the creep up, so he grabbed the dolley he’d used to bring the washing machine in and wheeled the kid out into the yard. Once outside, Gideon seemed to calm down. He patted himself over, looking for the shrink-ray.

 

“It’s  _ gone _ , Gideon.” Ford informed him. “So hand over my Journal, or--”

 

“Or you’ll what?” Gideon demanded, “Go after  _ my _ family? Ha! Even if you  _ did _ have the heartlessness for that, I know yer scared of my father an’ the Blind Eye! Even better, yer scared of what the weirdness round these parts could do to yer precious nibblings!”

 

“Where are they you little troll?” The old man shouted.

 

As if on cue, Mabel and Dipper stepped around the corner of the garage, well and whole and normal-sized. 

 

“Heeey Grunkle Ford! Whaaat, what’s going on around here?” Mabel asked, over-acting as she faked surprise.

 

“Yeah, and, gasp, what’s Gideon doing here?” Dipper added, his own fake surprise painfully under-acted.

 

“Kids!” Ford exclaimed. He turned to Gideon and smirked. “Ahah! I knew you were bluffing the whole time!”

 

“No! They-- I-I  _ did _ … how?” The evil boy stammered. “Grrrr… You watch yer step, Pines, ‘cuz I ain’t bluffin now!”


	18. What's Mine is Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford cleans out the garage and Dipper and Mabel fight over its contents.

The house was buzzing with activity today. Ford was cleaning out the garage, looking for who knows what. Soos took this as a cue to clean out the rest of the house. Mabel’s friends were here for a sleepover, and Dipper was gathering up all the ‘clues’ he’d found so far. Clues to what, he wasn’t sure yet, but he was sure they were pointing to something.

 

“Soos! Look what I dug up out in the woods!” Dipper held up a dinner plate sized slab of rock with runes carved into it. 

 

“Hah, whoa! Those old woods are full of weird secrets!” The mechanic looked at the rock curiously. “What’s it say, dude?”

 

“I dunno yet, I couldn’t find the script in the Journal!” The boy explained. “I’m gonna try taking it to the library tomorrow.”

 

Dipper raced up the stairs, full of excited energy, easily lugging the book and the stone tablet in his arms. When he reached the door to the attic he heard the sound of contemporary girly boybands and raucous girly giggling. He braced himself before entering. 

 

“AAAAaaaah!” The girls screamed. “Dipper,  _ knock _ first, we’re not dressed!” Mabel reprimanded him.

 

“Waugh! I’m sorry!” He threw up his arms and covered his eyes.

 

“Hah, gullible.” His sister snickered. “Just kidding! But seriously, you should knock.”

 

Dipper frowned and felt his face grow hot. “I’m just here to put away my stuff.” He trudged through the tide of glitter and tween movies to his bed shelf, when he noticed something was missing. “Hey, where’s my cork-board?”

 

“We made magazine boy collage!” Candy said proudly, displaying the board, which was now turned sideways and covered in pin-ups of cute celebrities.

 

“Mabel!” Dipper cried indignantly, “That’s  _ mine _ ! I had all my interconnected theories up there!”

 

“Oh, like you don’t take that junk down and redo it all the time.” Mabel pashawed. “Besides, it’s not  _ just yours _ . It was in this room that Grunkle Ford gave to  _ both _ of us, so it’s really  _ ours _ , and I can use it if I want.”

 

Dipper growled and set the Journal and the stone tablet on the highest shelf. “And you couldn’t have  _ asked _ ?”

 

Mabel shrugged his anger off. “We were busy! Beside, you were digging holes in the yard!”

 

“You know what your brother needs?” Genda asked conspiratorially.

 

“A makeover?” Mabel grinned. Candy held up a handful of beauty supplies. Dipper grabbed his pillow and fled as fast as he could.

* * *

  
  


Stanford was settling down for the night, or at least trying as best he could with three screaming girls in the attic. He was in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water before bed, when he caught sight of movement outside. He reached under the sink and pulled out a can chemicals he’d brewed himself, 50 times more effective than Mace and specially designed for supernatural creatures. He stole silently out the door and watched carefully for whatever could be moving at this hour. He was surprised to find Dipper, lying down with nothing more than a sleeping bag and a pillow.

 

“What on Earth are you doing out here!?” Ford asked, quickly stowing away the aerosol can so Dipper couldn’t see it.

 

“Mabel and her friends’ screams are a higher decibel count than a rocket taking off!” The boy complained.

 

The old scientist grimaced sympathetically. He almost considered letting the boy sleep down in his secret study, it was sound-proof after all, but he knew that wasn’t really an option. It would raise too many questions he wasn’t comfortable answering, and besides, the place was an absolute disaster. He was fairly sure he hadn’t cleaned it in the past decade. There was another alternative though.

 

“You could always sleep on the couch in the den.” Ford suggested. “It’ll probably be more comfortable, and provide more protection from coyotes.” Not to mention all the paranormal thingums that milled about after dark.

 

Dipper mumbled something under his breath about not sleeping well on couches, but he seemed to realize it was still better than the flat ground outside. Ford helped him up and settled the boy down in the den.

 

“G’night Grunkle Ford.” Dipper said to him as he left the room.

 

“Good night Dipper.” Ford returned as he turned out the light.

 

There was another chorus of excited screams from upstairs. Dipper groaned and clamped a couch cushion over his ears in frustration. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

  
  


The next morning it was unclear whether or not anyone had actually slept. There were certainly periods of time Mabel didn’t recall, but that may have been the expired milk Grenda brought. As her groggy but happy friends left, Dipper re-entered the room, looking just a groggy and twice as disheveled. 

 

“Hey brother, want some popcorn?” Mabel offered, “We seasoned it with three cups of sugar!”

 

“No, I don’t want any popcorn!” Dipper grunted grumpily. “Uhg, I haven’t had a crick in my neck this bad since we tested out that homemade catapult.”

 

His sister laughed. “Yeah, that was a fun time!”

 

“No! Mabel, I’m sick and tired of this!” He gestured to the absolute disaster area that was their room. Glitter, junk food, beauty products, and fashion magazines littered every available surface, and miscellaneous items were duct taped to the walls and ceiling. “I don’t think anyone within ten miles of here got any sleep last night!” He flopped down on his bed, only to jump up in surprise when he found something hard lying there. It was the stone tablet he’d found yesterday, and it was drenched in nail polish. “Great! How am I gonna translate this now, it’s completely illegible! I thought I put this up on the shelf!”

 

“Oops! It must’ve gotten knocked down when Grenda kicked the wall.” Mabel explained.

 

“Ok, that’s it!” Dipper stomped his foot down. “No more sleepovers!”

 

“Hey, you don’t get to tell me what to do!” She said crossly, folding her arms in defiance.

 

“Then quit wrecking my stuff!”

 

“Oh,  _ I _ wreck  _ your _ stuff!?” Mabel asked indignantly. “How about all the times you tore pages out of my scrapbook so you could take notes on some cloud you thought was a UFO!”

 

“It was a blank page, and it’s a binder, you can always put more pages in!” The boy defended.

 

“And that time you borrowed my raincoat and I couldn’t wash the BO smell out!” She pointed a finger accusingly at her brother. “Y’know, if you took a hot shower that crick in your neck would probably go away!”

 

“Showering is a waste of time, I’ve got better things to do than stand around getting wet!” Dipper harrumphed.

 

“Meow meow meow meow!” Mabel mocked.

 

“Hey, don’t meow at me!” Dipper shouted.

 

“ _ Meow meow MEOW! _ ” She yelled louder.

 

The kids’ arguing was so loud they didn’t even notice the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. Grunkle Ford knocked on the door hard enough to be heard over their shouting match. “What’s all this racket for?” The young twins both replied with simultaneous yelling and whining. Ford sighed in exasperation and came into the attic.

 

“Enough!” He raised a six-fingered hand to silence them. “Ok, now,  _ one at a time _ , explain to me what’s wrong. Dipper, you first.”

 

“Mabel’s gone totally overboard with her sleepovers!” The boy whined. “She and her friends kept me up all night, trashed my room, and _ ruined _ a couple of projects I was working on!”

 

“It’s  _ our _ room!” Mabel corrected him. “Does somebody need a lesson on sharing?” 

 

“Part of sharing is keeping whatever you share in good condition for both people.” Ford pointed out. “Now, what’s your side of the story?”

 

“Dipper’s wrecked plenty of my stuff too! Like the time he overwrote my Monstermon savefile!” 

 

“Mabel, we’re not talking about other incidents in the past, we’re talking about right now.” Ford admonished her. “And Dipper has a good point, if you can’t keep these sleepovers under control, then I don’t think you should have any more.”

 

The colorful girl stomped her foot. “Why do you always take his side? It’s not fair!” 

 

“I’m not taking anyone’s side!” The old scientist insisted, but she was already stomping down the stairs in a rage.

* * *

  
  


As the day wore on, the young twins continued to snap at each other. 

 

“Uh, shouldn’t you do something about this?” Soos asked Dr. Pines worriedly. He didn’t like conflict to begin with, and seeing it in these two, who usually got along well, was a little upsetting.

 

“They’re fine.” Stanford assured him. “Siblings squabble, it’s perfectly normal. They’ll work it out on their own.”

 

“Dipper, that’s  _ my _ mayonnaise!” They heard Mabel shout from the kitchen.

 

“I just need a little bit for my sandwich, I’ll give it back in a second!” Dipper’s voice complained back. “Hey, get your own knife!”

 

Soos’s frown deepened, but Ford just shrugged it off. Compared to the fights he and Stanley used to get into, this was nothing. But he hated to see Soos so upset.

 

“If you really need something to take your mind off it, I could use some help cleaning out the back room in the garage.” Ford told him.

 

The young mechanic gasped in awe. “You mean where you keep  _ El Diablo _ ? You never let anyone go back there!”

 

“Yes, and it’s getting to be a problem.” The old scientist admitted. “It hasn’t been cleaned out in decades and it’s getting too cluttered.”

 

Soos looked like Christmas had come early. “Does this mean I get to help you work on her!?”

 

Ford rolled his eyes fondly. “Yes. ...Are you crying?” The mechanic’s only response was to pull the old man into a tight hug. “Ok ok, keep it together man!”

* * *

  
  


Bored of arguing over stuff, Dipper and Mabel decided to go outside and check out what Grunkle Ford and Soos were up to. Mabel’s pet pig, Waddles, trailed behind them. The back room of the garage had been opened, and a bright red classic car was rolled out onto the driveway. Cluttered boxes of miscellaneous _ junk, _ for lack of a better term, littered the ground around them. Mabel opened a dusty box and peeked inside, finding an old motorcycle helmet and a fancy looking briefcase. She pulled it out and opened it to find a sleek pair of gloves and various strange tools. The gloves couldn’t be Ford’s though, the number of fingers was wrong! Dipper’s eyes were drawn to a great big rolled-up something leaning against the wall.

 

“Experiment 78… huh.” He read the tag. “Grunkle Ford, where’d this come from?”

 

“Just an old side-project.” The old scientist said, not looking up from working on the car.

 

Dipper cast his uncle a suspicious glance and took a step back, carefully observing the old experiment.

 

“You’re not gonna learn anything about it like that!” Mabel insisted, pushing her brother aside and unfurling the roll. When the dust cleared they found a teal-and-gold shag carpet.

 

“Whoa, cool!” Dipper looked the rug over appreciatively. “Y’know, I could really use this for the cold floor upstairs. Grunkle Ford, can I have this?”

 

“Er, sure” Ford replied distractedly, still not looking up from his work. The electron carpet wasn’t dangerous, he didn’t see why not.

 

“What!?” Mabel cried indignantly. “How come Dipper gets dibs?”

 

Ford sighed in frustration and finally turned away from the car’s engine. “Because he asked first.”

 

“But I’m the one who actually figured out it was a carpet!” The girl complained. “Dipper would’ve just kept staring at it for hours!”

 

“That doesn’t get you dibs!” Dipper huffed.

 

“Kids,  _ please _ , I’m trying to concentrate here!” Stanford said exasperatedly. “Mabel, I’m sure you can find something else of interest among all this stuff.”

 

“Uhg!” The girl groaned. “It’s not fair! You always give Dipper what he wants first!”

 

“I do  _ not _ always get what I want!” Dipper countered. “You’re just so used to always getting what  _ you _ want that you can’t let me have something of my own for once!”

 

The young twins both grabbed the carpet and began pulling at it and arguing over each other. Ford finally had to put his foot down.

 

“Stop! If you’re going to argue over it like that then  _ no one _ gets the rug! No one gets  _ anything _ !  _ Both _ of you are acting like children. If you want any of this stuff, you’re going to have to show me you can be mature!” Stanford told them.

 

“I-I  _ am _ mature!” Dipper’s face fell at the accusation.

 

“Miss Mature, that’s me!” Mabel assured her uncle.

 

“I know you both  _ can _ be,” Ford agreed, “And once you start  _ acting _ like it again, then we’ll talk about divvying up all this stuff.”

 

The kids skulked off in disappointment. They’d really made a mess of things with their fighting, and now  _ no one _ was going to get any of the cool stuff from the back room. In their disappointment, they began to resent each other for ruining their chances.

 

Soos stopped them as they trudged back to the house. “Whoa dudes, that’s a big carpet, y’know. And you share a room. Maybe you could, I dunno, share the carpet or something.”

 

The young twins looked blankly up at their friend for a moment before going back to glaring at each other. Soos shrugged. “Eh, what do I know? I haven’t got any siblings, so I guess this is just one of those things I’ll never get.”

* * *

  
  


A little later that day, Mabel came upstairs to put away her scrapbook, only to find Dipper rolling out the rug on his side of the room. 

 

“He already gave it to you?” She gasped.

 

“Uh… not exactly.” Dipper admitted. “He was so busy working on that car, it was pretty easy for me to sneak it past him. Honestly, I don’t think he’ll even notice it’s gone.”

 

“You’re cheating!” She accused. “We’re supposed to be acting mature!”

 

“I am acting mature!” Her brother defended. “I’m taking the initiative!

 

Mabel’s frown suddenly turned into a triumphant grin as an idea dawned on her. “I’m telling!” She turned on her heel to find her uncle.

 

“What, no, Mabel!” Dipper tackled her. They wrestled on the carpet until a sparking flash of light blinded them. After a brief feeling of vertigo, they both sat up dizzily.

 

“Dipper… why are you wearing my clothes?” Mabel asked in confusion, “And my… face!? Am I in your body!?”

 

“Am I in  _ your _ body!?” Dipper asked back.

 

They both screamed in horror.

* * *

  
  


After finishing work on the engine, Soos went inside for a break while Ford jacked up the car so they could begin work on the suspension and axles. The young mechanic thought he heard Dipper and Mabel screaming upstairs, so he hurried up to the attic to check on them. The three of them bumped into each other on the stairs. 

 

“Uh, you dudes ok?” Soos asked in concern.

 

Dipper pried up the loose floorboard on the stairs. “Breaking stuff is so much fun~ I am Dipper and I stink~” He sang.

 

“Mabel’s gone bananas!” Mabel cried, tearing pictures off the wall, “Pow! Zap! Ba-kow!” 

 

“Uh, so is that a ‘no’ or…” Soos wondered. His friends seemed fine physically, but they were acting weird.

 

“Hey, be sure to tell Grunkle Ford Mabel was being really immature!” Mabel said as she ran downstairs.

 

“No! Tell him Dipper’s being immature!” Dipper demanded, following his sister.

 

“Is today 3rd-person day or something?” The mechanic watched the young twins go in confusion. He heard Waddles grunting around in the kids’ room and decided to go give the pig a belly rub. “Guess you don’t know what that was about, do you?” Waddles snorted in response. “Man, I wish I was a pig! Wouldn’t have to worry about friends fighting or wearing cloths!”

 

Waddles rolled around on the carpet and suddenly there was a sparking flash of light. Next thing Soos knew, he was in the pig’s body.

 

“Yes!” He cheered. He waddled back down the stairs to have some pig shenanigans, completely ignoring his old body. The pig in Soos’ old body got up slowly and stumbled down the stairs, occasionally banging into walls as he got used to the new body. The pig-man made his way to the front door and walked into it a few times, unsure of how to even grasp the doorknob, much less open it. He fell back in surprise when the door opened from the other side.

 

“Whoa, sorry Soos.” Wendy apologized. “Didn’t know you were on the other side of the door.”

 

With the door now open, the pig in a man’s body rushed outside with no thought of anything else.

 

“Hey, I got your text!” Wendy said, following him. “The doc  _ really _ pulled that old  _ Diablo _ out of mothballs? D’you think he’d let me work on it?”

 

The pig-man ignored her babbling and found an old burger wrapper lying on the ground. He bent down and picked it up off the ground with his mouth, then proceeded to eat it.

 

“Soos?” The teen asked her friend worriedly. The pig-in-a-man’s-body turned back and stared at her with vacant eyes. “Uh… on second thought, I’ll come back later!” She dashed away, completely freaked out.

* * *

  
  


Mabel’s friends had come back, and now Dipper (in Mabel’s body) was trapped in the attic with them, listening to Grenda read a trashy romance novel. Mabel (in Dipper’s body), feeling left out, decided to listen at the door.

 

“Dipper, have you seen Soos?” Ford asked as he came up the stairs. “He came inside almost half-an-hour ago to get a snack and never came ba--” The old man trailed off when he realized his nephew was spying on girls while they read about love. “Oh.” He said awkwardly. “I, uh, I suppose the two of us need to have a talk.”

 

“What do you mean? Am I in trouble?” Mabel asked hopefully.

 

“No, we just need to discuss some of the changes happening to your body.” Ford replied.

 

“What!?”

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll describe it in the most distant, analytical and scientific way I can, that should make it less awkward.”

 

“Nooooooo!” Mabel cried as Ford dragged her away.

 

“So,” The scientist began, setting down what appeared to be his nephew on his lap. “As the human body matures, a chemical center in the brain called the pituitary gland begins to produce hormones, a class of chemicals that change the active genes inside your cells, which in turn change the proteins they produce. This leads to large scale changes in the body, as well as psychological changes…”

 

Mabel quickly drifted off as Grunkle Ford continued to ramble on about stuff she  _ really _ didn’t want to know about.

 

"...and can last well into your early 20's." Ford finally finished at least an hour later. Mabel shook herself out of her stupor when she realized he'd stopped talking. "You took that a lot better than I expected. Maybe you  _ are _ mature enough to work out who takes what with your sister. And I know getting 'the talk' isn't a pleasant experience." He said with finger-quotes. "How about you take that carpet you had your heart set on?"

 

Mabel gasped. Yes, she would  _ love  _ to take that carpet, but her Grunkle wasn't offering it to  _ her,  _ he was offering it to  _ Dipper!  _ "No, you can’t! You have to give it to Mabel!" She insisted.

 

Ford's eyebrows shot up and he scrutinized her carefully, a realization dawning on him. "I see." He said cooly. "Well then this is something you and Dipper are going to have to sort out between the two of you."

 

Mabel was so busy worrying over Dipper taking the carpet for himself that she didn't even register that her uncle had called her by the wrong (or was it the right?) name.

* * *

  
  


Later in the afternoon Stanford had finally finished  _ El Diablo's  _ tune-up, and was now working on the final step: cleaning up the inside. There were still a few of Stanley's old possessions tucked away in nooks and crannies, but most of it had been packed away into boxes long ago. 

 

He found one left-over possession tucked into the band of the driver's-side drop-shade. It was a tattered old photograph of a couple of teenaged boys lightly roughhousing after a boxing match. He smiled sadly and pulled out an even more tattered, older photo of those same boys, here only about ten years old, standing proudly before a half-rotted shipwreck they'd pulled out of a small cave. 

 

He would have gazed at the pair of pictures in a melancholy haze until the nostalgia overwhelmed him, but he was interrupted by the sounds of an argument drifting from the open attic window. Oh great. The situation with the Electron Carpet was starting to get out of hand. He’d hoped the whole thing would work itself out, as the body-swapping was easy enough to reverse, but judging by the yelling several people were involved now. That was probably where Soos had disappeared to earlier. The old man sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He needed to put an end to this before the police got involved.

* * *

  
  


After a considerable amount of trial and error, everyone was back in their own bodies. There had been some trouble when McGucket didn’t want to give up Candy’s young, “innocent” body, and when Blubs and Durland switched it was really hard talking them into switching back. Now that everyone was back to normal though, Dipper rolled up the carpet. Everyone’d had enough body-switching for one day.

 

“Ok, now to get rid of that thing!” Mabel said, trying to grab the roll from her brother. He moved it away from her reach in a flash. “Hey, come on bro, you’ve gotta admit, that thing’s way more trouble than it’s worth!”

 

“No way Mabel, it’s mine!” Dipper hissed vehemently.

 

She groaned in frustration. “What the heck’s wrong with you!? Why do you care about some dumb carpet so much?”

 

“I don’t!” The boy admitted with a scowl.

 

“Wait, what?”

 

Dipper’s expression softened and he looked his sister in the eye. “It… it’s not about the carpet so much as it is about having something of my own. We already have to share so much, and this summer we’ve had to share pretty much  _ everything _ , even a room. I mean, don’t get me wrong, hanging out with you this summer’s been fun, but now you’re alway hanging out with Candy and Grenda. You’ve got your own friends and I’m just… l have nothing.”

 

“Oh Dipper…” Mabel pulled her brother into a hug.

 

“I know, it’s dumb. I’m just having a hard time lately.” He scratched his arm absentmindedly. “You probably wouldn’t understand.”

 

“I guess you’re feeling awkward and sweaty, huh?” the girl asked.

 

Dipper smiled. “Yeah.”

* * *

  
  


“...And that’s why I took it without asking. Sorry.” Dipper finished explaining what happened to Grunkle Ford. The old scientist didn’t seem at all surprised.

 

“I’m just glad that everything worked itself out in the end.” He said, taking the rolled up carpet back. “So now neither of you want this thing?” The kids both shook their heads vigorously.  “Well, there’s still several boxes I need to clean out, if you find anything else in them you want, it’s yours.”

 

“You’re sure there aren’t any more of your crazy old science experiments?” the boy asked cautiously.

 

“If you pick one out, I’ll be sure to let you know.” Ford assured him.

 

The young twins rummaged around all the junk. Dipper found a shoe-sized box with a little dial on the front that read “CPS”, and a metal tube attached by a curly cord. “Whoa! Is this a Geiger Counter?” he asked in excitement.

 

“A very old one, yes.” His uncle confirmed. “I replaced it with a newer model years ago, but you can have this one.”

 

Meanwhile, Mabel found herself wandering back to that first box she’d poked around in earlier that day. She looked at the old briefcase again. It was cool, but she didn’t know what most of the stuff inside  _ was _ , much less how to use it. Next she pulled out the motorcycle helmet. It was much too big for her, but underneath that…

 

“And I will take a…  _ grappling hook! _ ” She cheered, pulling out the device and holding it aloft proudly. 

 

“Oh, actually Mabel…” Ford began to stammer, but she had already fired the thing at the roof of the garage. In a matter of seconds she was up there, hanging by the hook like a monkey.

 

“Grappling hook!” She cried triumphantly.

 

Ford shrugged. If Stan was here, he’d probably want her to have it. “Alright then.”


	19. It's All in Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gideon makes his move and a certain jerk returns.

One of the things about living in the Pacific Northwest was the frequent rainstorms. Even in the summer, which was supposed to be the dry season. It was pouring buckets, so the Pines family was spending the day inside watching movies on Gravity Falls Public Access TV.

 

“ _ Coming up next, Grandpa the Kid! _ ” The tv announced. 

 

“Ah, this one’s a classic.” Stanford commented, taking a sip from his can of Pitt. 

 

Mabel groaned. “Grunkle Ford, why don’t we watch something everyone will like?” She held up a colorful VHS tape. “Dreamboy High! Where love in on your permanent record!”

 

“Boo.” Dipper and Wendy groaned.

 

“Er, maybe later.” Ford murmured. 

 

The conversation paused as an ad started playing. “ _ Who’s cute as a button, an’ always your friend, lil’ G-I-D to the E-O-N! Wink! _ ”

 

Everyone groaned.

 

“Gideon.” Dipper hissed.

 

“Remember when I wouldn’t date him and he swore to destroy us?” Mabel rolled her eyes.

 

“He’s threatened me on multiple occasions!” Ford growled.

 

“One time, I caught him stealing my moisturizer.” Wendy added.

 

“And yet our mutual hatred for him brings us closer together!” Soos said, looking on the bright side, as usual.

 

“ _ Come on down to Gideonland, soon to be opening at this location! _ ” The tv announcer declared, and an image of Ford’s house was smashed by the Tent ’o Telepathy.

 

“Wait, what!?” Dipper exclaimed. 

 

The old scientist leaned forward in his chair, looking at the screen in disbelief even after the ad had been replaced by one about Arm Pants™. “That’s impossible, not even  _ he _ could get away with that, unless…” Realization dawned on him; in a flash Ford had shot out of the room and grabbed his crossbow. He threw open the door to library and found Gideon, just as expected. The rest of the Pines family wasn’t far behind.

 

“Gideon!” Ford barked. “I’m warning you, I’m armed!”

 

“I knew we shoulda waited to air those ads…” Gideon muttered to himself before backing away from a small safe tucked under a reading table. “Well, well, Stanford! We seem to have entered a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse! But it remains to be seen, who is the cat? And who is th--yike!” The boy jumped back to avoid an arrow going through his foot.

 

“Get out of my house!” The old scientist demanded. The albino boy finally gave up and took off, but he paused once he was on the porch.

 

“You mark my words, Stanford Pines! I’ll get that deed, and when I do your secrets won’t be safe anymore!”

 

Ford’s only response was to fire another arrow over the boy’s head, scaring him off. 

 

“Dude, you just fired a weapon at a nine-year-old.” Wendy accused her boss.

 

“An  _ evil _ nine-year-old.” Mabel corrected. “Who was trying to steal our house!”

 

“What if he comes back?” Dipper asked fretfully.

 

"Don’t worry.” his uncle reassured. “The best way to keep a secret is to never tell it. Never write it down, never even say it aloud to yourself." Ford had made that mistake with the Journals, but the combination to that safe was in the one place nobody could ever find it. Unless… “Still, we’d better be on high alert until Gideon moves on to some other crazy scheme.”

* * *

  
  


Later that night, Dipper ran into the den, screaming. “Guys! There’s a giant vampire bat in the kitchen! It’s the size of a condor, and its fangs are  _ huge _ !” His family continued to stare at the tv as though he hadn’t said anything. “C’mon, we’ve gotta do something about it!”

 

Ford sighed. “Dipper, there’s no such thing as giant vampire bats!” Which was technically true. Giant  _ fruit _ bats passed through here on their migration route this time of year, and they had large fangs for biting through thick-skinned fruits like watermelons and pineapples, but they were harmless enough to people, as long as you weren’t carrying a lot of fruit with you.  _ Then  _ they might pick you up in an effort to get you to drop your food. The one in the kitchen would undoubtedly move on once it had raided the fridge. “Just come sit and watch TV.”

 

“You’re not even going to come look!?” Dipper asked incredulously. 

 

“Bats are more afraid of you than you are of it!” Mabel said. “If we just leave it alone, it’ll go away!” They heard a crash from the kitchen. “Or maybe I’m thinking of ducklings… hehe, quack quack.”

 

The boy groaned in frustration. “No, Grunkle Ford, I’ve seen so many incredible paranormal things in Gravity Falls, but whenever I try to tell you about it, you won’t even hear me out! I’m tired of you brushing me off like a little kid!”

 

His sister giggled. “Uh, newsflash Dip-dop, you  _ are _ a kid!”

 

“Dipper, I promise I don’t mean to be condescending to you.” Ford assured him.

 

“Then why won’t you take me  _ seriously _ for once!?”

 

The old man closed his eyes. He felt like a filthy hypocrite for doing this, but if Dipper kept digging into this stuff he could get into serious trouble. He could get mind-wiped by the Blind-Eye, he could go power-mad like Gideon had, he could get in too deep and lose it like Ford had all those years ago, or he could simply wind up in over his head with some paranormal creature. Not everything was as harmless as a squash with human features and emotions.

 

“Because I’m a scientist, and I don’t have time for these sort of unfounded, impossible claims.” Ford said simply. 

* * *

  
  


Ford had fallen asleep on the couch the next day, while the kids were out playing. He had been dreaming of that night, thirty years ago. The dream was even worse than the real event, as he watched like an outsider, unable to change the events no matter how much he wanted to. Just as he reached the part where the portal activated, the nightmare got even worse. The color drained away from his surroundings slowly, and obnoxious laughter rang in his ears.

 

“No…” Stanford breathed. His stomach dropped as his surroundings dissolved away and he was left standing in an open field. The wind picked up, blowing over the grass to form a familiar pattern: a triangle. Bill Cipher rose up from the ground.

 

“WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, _ WELL, WELL, WELL _ ! IF IT ISN’T MY OLD PAL STANFORD PINES!” The triangular demon multiplied himself and surrounded the old man. “AREN’T YOU A SIGHT FOR SORE  _ EYE _ ! HAHAHAH!”

 

“Th-this is impossible!” Ford stammered in disbelief. “I have runestones surrounding the house,  you  _ can’t _ be here!”

 

“OH YEAH, YOU’D BE RIGHT, _ UNLESS _ SOME BRAT DUG ONE UP!” Bill taunted. “SERIOUSLY IQ, YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY THINK MY RADIO SILENCE OVER THE PAST DECADE ACTUALLY MEANT I WAS  _ GONE _ , DID YOU? I’VE JUST BEEN BUSY, MAKING DEALS AND GATHERING NEW PAWNS.” One of the multiples floated closer and tried to pull at his hair. Ford ducked under its grasp and backed away, only to bump into more Bills.

 

“What do you want?” The old scientist demanded, “This is  _ my _ mind! I can counter anything you throw at me!”

 

“YEEEEAH, CUZ THAT WORKED SO WELL FOR YOU LAST TIME!” All the multiples merged back into one Bill. “YOU’RE IN LUCK, I’M HERE ON BUSINESS. IF THIS WERE A PERSONAL VISIT, I’D MESS YOU UP WORSE THAN IN THE OLD DAYS!”

 

“‘Business’? And what’s that supposed to mean?” 

 

“IT MEANS YOU KNOW SOMETHING, AND SOMEONE ELSE WAS WILLING TO MAKE A DEAL FOR ME TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS! YOU KNOW WHAT I’M CAPABLE OF, SO WHY NOT MAKE THINGS EASIER ON YOURSELF AND TELL ME THE CODE TO THAT SAFE?”

 

Stanford crossed his arms defiantly. “You know you’ve never been able to break me! I won’t tell you anything!”

 

“THE FUN WAY IT IS THEN!”

 

“Do your worst, you’ll never be able to find it!”

 

“YOU SEEM PRETTY CONFIDENT, SIXER! BUT THE LAST TIME YOU FOUGHT ME OFF WAS A LONG TIME AGO, AND YOU DIDN’T EXACTLY GET AWAY UNSCATHED. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA GET THAT BAD AGAIN WITH THOSE KIDS AROUND?”

 

Ford paled. “You leave those kids out of this!”

 

“TOUGH LUCK SMART GUY, THEY’RE INVOLVED ALREADY, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!” Bill flashed up the zodiac that Ford had found on the cave wall all those years ago. Three symbols, the Pinetree, Question Mark, and Shooting Star, were glowing.

 

Suddenly, there was a shift in the Mindscape. It wasn’t anything visible or even audible, but Ford could feel distinctly that there were three more intelligences present in his mind now. Bill clearly sensed it too.

 

“SPEAKING OF WHICH...” The triangle multiplied himself into two again, and one poofed away.

* * *

 

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos looked around. Was this Grunkle Ford's mind? Whatever they had been expecting, it certainly wasn't this. They stood in a monochrome field of grass. It was mostly empty except for a few structures. On the horizon was an odd inverted triangle with a round hole in the middle, standing like a foreboding monument and casting a shadow over everything else. A bit closer, but still in the distance, was a small sailing ship, apparently run aground in the middle of this sea of grass. Closer still was an old swing set, with one seat swaying in the nonexistent wind, the chains making an eerie squeak. Before the three visitors, towering much larger than in real life, was their uncle's house.

 

"So this is Ford's mind?" Mabel asked, looking around in wonder.

 

"I guess so." Dipper answered, also looking around, only in worry.

 

"Huh, I expected more fancy hot rods." Soos commented.

 

"Ok, everyone keep a look out for the triangle guy." Mabel reminded them.

 

"YEAH, LOOK OUT FOR THE TRIANGLE GUY!" A booming voice called as a yellow triangle descended from the sky. Bill Cipher. He was just as he’d appeared in the journal, with skinny black limbs, bowtie and top-hat, and one large, piercing eye. “AH, STANFORD’S FAMILY, WE MEET AT LAST! QUESTION MARK, SHOOTING STAR, PINE TREE, I HAD A HUNCH I MIGHT RUN INTO YOU!” To punctuate his sentence, Bill fired off a red bolt of energy that ripped straight through Dipper’s torso. The boy screamed for a few seconds before realizing he wasn’t really hurt. He felt panicky, but other than that he was fine. As if to emphasize the point, Mabel stuck her arm through the hole.

 

“Don’t worry Dippingsauce, it’s just a dream, remember?” She reassured him.

 

“Mabel!” Dipper pusher her arm away, it was making him uncomfortable. “You’re Bill Cipher, right? What do you want with our uncle’s mind?”

 

“HAHAH, WELL, LOTS OF THINGS, REALLY, BUT FOR NOW ALL I NEED IS THE COMBINATION TO THAT SAFE IN THE LIBRARY! INSIDE THIS SHACK OF A HOUSE IS A MAZE OF DOORS REPRESENTING FORD’S MEMORIES, AND BEHIND ONE IS THE MEMORY OF HIM INPUTTING THE CODE. WHEN I FIND THAT, GIDEON WILL REWARD ME HANDSOMELY!”

 

“Not if we stop you!” Mabel countered.

 

“HAH, YEAH RIGHT! I’M THE MASTER OF THE MIND! I EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING RIGHT NOW!” Bill snapped his fingers and two brightly colored, strangely animated men appeared.

 

Mabel gasped. “Xyler and Craz!? You’re real!?”

 

Xyler looked to Craz. “I dunno bro, are we real?”

 

Craz laughed. “First we have to define what’s real, bro!”

 

“Radical!” They both  exclaimed.

 

“YOU KIDS BETTER TURN BACK NOW,  _ BEFORE YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU WISH YOU HADN’T _ .” the triangle warned, a new threatening undertone to his jovial distorted voice. “LATER SUCKERS!”

 

“Come on, we have to follow him!” Dipper called to the others. “And Mabel, can we leave those two outside? They’re kinda hurting my eyes.”

 

“No way!” his sister insisted. “Trust me, they’re smarter than they look.”

 

“Whoa, I think, therefore I am! We  _ are _ real, bro!” Craz high-fived Xyler.

 

“Wait a minute bro, how do we know we’re not just the products of  _ someone else’s _ thought?” Xyler said.

 

Dipper rolled his eyes and proceeded into the house. Bill hadn’t been kidding when he’d called it a maze. It looked like an MC Escher painting, with many doors and staircases where they shouldn’t have,  _ couldn’t have _ been in real life. Stranger still were the signs. Like Ford's posty-notes in real life, they were everywhere and they were all in code.

 

Dipper smiled despite the situation. "Hey we can use this to our advantage!" He pointed to a nearby sign. "I've been learning about code-breaking from the Journal. We can find our way around reading these, and Bill can't!"

 

“Good thinking, dude.” Soos complimented him. The boy ran up to the nearest sign, which hung across a tightly shut steel door and read “UVZIH”. 

 

“Uhm… Ok, I don’t think that’s a Caesar Cipher…” He thought out loud as his first attempt to decode it proved unsuccessful. “Let’s try Atbash… aha! Fears! So this is the wrong way.”

 

“Good.” Mabel said. “I definitely don’t wanna go in there.” Faint screaming could be heard on the other side.

 

They passed another tightly shut door labeled “SLKVH” and one with the door thrown wide open labeled “RWVZH”. Strange objects and half-finished blueprints spilled out of the second one. Dipper finally stopped them at large, worn door labeled “NVNLIRVH”.

 

“‘Memories’! Here we are!” The boy pushed open the door eagerly. They all gasped. The hall of memories was not what they’d been expecting. While the rest of the mindscape they’d seen so far had been confusing but apparently following some unknown organization, the hall of memories looked like it was recovering from a tornado, or perhaps a fire. Several doors appeared broken in or burned down. In one corner there was a stack of doors that seemed to be fine, but next to the pile was a big sign with just a lot of question marks scrawled over it.

 

“Whoa, how’re we gonna find that code memory with all these other memories?” Soos wondered.

 

“We’ll just have to search ‘em all!” Mabel proclaimed.

 

“Mabel is talking!” Craz said.

 

“So rad!” Xyler agreed.

 

And so they began to open doors, hoping to find some clue as to where the memory of the code would be. Unfortunately there didn’t appear to be any rhyme or reason to how the memories were laid out, at least none that they could readily make out at first. Dipper opened one door to find a memory of his uncle walking into an office.

 

_ “Backupsmore Student Services” read the plaque on the secretary’s desk. She appeared to be a student employee, possibly an intern. _

 

_ “Excuse me, could you tell me where registration for Physics 118 is?” A young Stanford Pines asked her, placing his student ID card on the desk. _

 

_ The secretary stared at him for a few awkward seconds. “Whoa, is there like, something up with your fingers man? Or did I just have too many of the ag club’s brownies?” _

 

_ Ford quickly drew back and folded his hands behind him. “Uh, n-nevermind, I’m sure I can find it myself.” He quickly exited. _

 

“That’s not it.” Dipper said, slightly disappointed, along with some second-hand embarrassment for his uncle.

 

Soos tried his hand next, coming across a memory of a slightly older Ford driving down a dirt road with a young Manly Dan sitting in the passenger seat.

 

_ “You sure you wanna build all the way out here in the middle of nowhere?” Dan asked. “You’re pretty far out from the grocery store or the hospital or other basic amenities.” _

 

_ “It’s perfect.” the young scientist assured him. _

 

_ “Oh yeah? Gonna live off the land like a  _ _ real man _ _ , huh? I love it!” the enthusiastic lumberjack gave him a hearty pat on the back, slamming Ford’s face into the steering wheel and nearly causing them to swerve off the road. _

 

“Nope.” Soos said.

 

Mable tried a door next to Dipper’s. “Hey look, it’s Grunkle Ford teaching!”

 

_ She wasn’t completely right. It was some time between classes, and Dr. Pines was walking down the hall. He could hear snatches of the students’ whispering as he passed. _

 

_ “Hey, shush, here comes Dr. Six!” _

 

_ “Uhg, freakin’ Dr. Six. Gave me so much homework last weekend. It sucked.” _

 

_ “He’s not so bad as long as you stay on his good side.”  _

 

_ “Is he really crazy?” _

 

_ “I heard he had like, a mental breakdown when someone drew an illuminati symbol on his chalkboard.” _

 

_ Ford shifted his grip on the papers he was carrying to better hide his fingers, but continued walking as though he didn’t hear. High School really hadn’t changed much over the years. _

 

“Sweet Sally!” Mabel exclaimed, frowning at the sad scene. 

 

“This is going to take forever!” Dipper groaned. “We’ll cover more ground if we split up.”

 

“You really sure that’s a good idea, dawg?” Soos asked, a little concerned. “What if we get like, lost in here or something?”

 

Dipper picked up some pieces of charcoal from one of the burnt doors. “You can leave a trail with this!”

 

“Look at this smart guy over here, coming up with genius ideas!” Mabel gave her brother an affectionate shove. The group split up, Soos heading for the very end of the hall, Dipper taking a side-path, and Mabel staying there with her Dream Boys.

 

The further along Dipper walked, the more he began to notice that there was actually a bit of a pattern to what memories went where. Things seemed to be organized by who or what they were about, like the memories he and Mabel had found earlier were both about Ford’s insecurity over having six fingers. Further along Dipper found a whole row of doors dealing with Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, which led into a group of memories about Dipper. The first few were some memories of the two playing DDMD together, but Dipper pressed on. He wanted to see what his uncle really thought of him.

* * *

  
  


In another part of the mindscape, Ford continued to do battle with Bill. The demonic triangle was corralling him away from the kids and the memories he needed to protect by lighting large swaths of the field on fire. No matter how much he told himself the fire wasn’t real, he would be fine, the searing heat was just too much. He couldn’t even stand close to the flames. And try as he might to douse the flames by imagining fire hoses, rivers, and torrents of rain, Bill lit new fires as fast as old ones were put out, if not faster.

 

Bill paused in his tormenting, a mischievous gleam in his eye. “WELL WHADDAYA KNOW, LOOKS LIKE PINE TREE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF HIM! I THINK I’LL LET HIM SEE A FEW MEMORIES THAT LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU _ REALLY _ THINK!”

 

“Leave him alone!” The old man demanded.

 

“OH YOU WANT  _ ME _ TO LEAVE HIM ALONE? BUT  _ YOU’RE _ THE ONE WHO DOESN’T BELIEVE IN HIM!”

* * *

  
  


As Dipper searched through the memories of himself, he found a door that was already open. The boy recognized this memory. It was the day Dipper had found a giant footprint and tried to convince Grunkle Ford to let him look around the area for more.

 

_ “I’ve checked, it’s three times bigger than the biggest bear footprint ever recorded!” Dipper insisted, dragging his uncle along through the mud excitedly. Ford clutched his umbrella tightly to avoid losing it. They stopped and the boy pointed excitedly to the rain-filled footprint. _

 

_ The old scientist scrutinized it carefully for a few seconds. “This is just an irregularly shaped puddle.” He finally said. _

 

_ Dipper frowned. “Yeah, and how do you think it got that irregular shape?” he asked indignantly. “It’s a footprint, look at it!” _

 

_ Ford pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly. “It doesn’t matter what it is, you’re not running around the forest in this rain.” _

 

_ “But--” _

 

_ “No buts except yours back home!” _

 

_ He could get hurt, he doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into, he could never do it on his own. He’s just a kid! _

 

Dipper slammed the door shut. So there it was. His uncle really did think he was just a little kid, incapable of taking care of himself. The boy sulked back down the hall, no longer bothering to look for the memory of the code.

* * *

  
  


If Mabel was being totally honest with herself, she wasn’t putting her all into the search for the code. She was having too much fun watching Xyler and Craz! 

 

“Opening and closing doors is fun!” Xyler said.

 

“I can do it also!” Craz said.

 

Mabel giggled. This was better than watching kittens on the internet! Unfortunately her alone time with the Dream Boys was interrupted when Soos came back.

 

“Any luck?” She asked.

 

“Nope.” Soos replied. “Huh, this is taking forever! What if the triangle guy finds the safe before we do?”

 

“Hmmm, I think we need to change our approach.” Mabel said thoughtfully. “We’ve gotta start thinking like Ford. Where would he hide something?”

 

Soos shrugged. “I dunno, bury it underground or in some secret compartment or something?”

 

The girl snapped her fingers as a thought came to her. “He hides his candy stash above the fridge, remember?”

 

They all ran down the hall, looking for a door that looked like the fridge. They finally found it back near where they had first split up. Just as Mabel had predicted, there was a small door above it, one that would have been easily missed. She climbed up on Xyler’s shoulders to reach it.

 

_ A thirty-something Stanford Pines laid the deed to his property in the safe. “This is where I’ll finally be able to make a name for myself, I can feel it!” He said proudly, before leaning over the door and inputting the code to the safe. “I need something easy to remember, but not too obvious. Hmm… 6, 15,--” _

 

Mabel shut the door. “We found it!”

 

“Sweet!” Soos cheered.

 

“But what do we do now?” Xyler and Craz asked simultaneously, then exchanged goofy grins. “Jinx!”

 

“I guess we should destroy it before Bill finds it.” Mabel said, pulling out her Nyarf gun, fully intending to foam-dart the door into oblivion. 

 

“Uh, maybe I should do it.” Soos suggested. “My big arms are great for breaking stuff!”

 

“‘Kay.” Mabel moved aside.

 

Soos’s face contorted into an uncharacteristically serious and even angry scowl. Too uncharacteristic. So uncharacteristic in fact, that Mabel was relieved when another Soos showed up.

 

“Hey dudes, I just found a memory of Dr. Pines swimming in the lake wearing one of those tiny 70’s swimsuits! He actually didn’t… uh…” The mechanic looked at his copy holding the door. “Somethin’ weird’s goin’ on here.”

 

The copy of Soos laughed in a creepy, distorted voice. Bill’s voice! He morphed back into the form of a one-eyed triangle and continued laughing. “THANKS FOR LEADING ME STRAIGHT TO THE CODE, LOSERS! AHAHAHAHAH! IT’S FUNNY HOW DUMB YOU ARE.”

* * *

  
  


As Dipper trudged back down the hall, looking for the others, he found more doors left open, and they all seemed to be various occasions when Ford had shot him down.

 

_ “Dipper, don’t go into the forest alone!” _

 

_ “I know this place can seem creepy at times, but there’s no solid scientific documented evidence of paranormal  _ _ anything _ _ in Gravity Falls.” _

 

_ “There’s no monsters in this lake. Not unless you count invasive species choking out the native wildlife.” _

 

_ “It’s just an old storage room. Now come on, out you go.” _

 

_ “That is  _ _ not _ _ the kind of thing you should be curious about.” _

 

_ “There’s no need. I was  _ _ raised _ _ by a phoney psychic, I can spot a fake when I see one.” _

 

_ “The convenience store isn’t haunted, it was shut down for a health-code violation. Of course you can’t go!” _

 

The sound of Mabel’s yelling broke him out of his funk. He looked up to see Soos and his sister running down the hall, chasing Bill!

 

“Dipper, come on!” Mabel called to him. “We’ve gotta save Grunkle Ford!”

 

Her brother scowled. “Why should I? He thinks I’m just a little kid! He’s never taken me seriously!”

 

“Dipper, I’m sure that’s not true.” Mabel reassured him.

 

“Yes, it is!” He insisted. “I saw it in his memories! He won’t let me investigate the mysteries of Gravity Falls, but it’s not because he doesn’t believe in the supernatural, it’s because he doesn’t believe in me!”

 

Mabel placed a hand on his shoulder encouragingly. “It doesn’t matter what you saw, Dipper. We still need to stop Bill, remember?”

 

“No, I’m not going to stick my neck out for him if he won’t do the same for me.” The boy said, crossing his arms with finality.

 

Mabel groaned. “Fine! Come on Soos, we’ll save him ourselves!”

* * *

  
  


Having finally lost those pesky kids, Bill was ready to give the code over to Gideon.

 

“IT’S-- YOU GOT A PEN THERE? IT’S 6, 15…” The triangle reached to open the door and hear the rest of the code, but a Nyarf dart shot out of nowhere and knocked it away. The small door went flying into a previously opened door, where the memory of a younger Stanford and Fiddleford stood before a bottomless pit.

 

_ “Where in blue blazes did this come from!?” Fiddleford asked in concern. _

 

_ “Don’t worry, it’s just a stable wormhole. It’s a minor side-effect of the portal, well within parameters.” Stanford assured his assistant. _

 

_ “ _ _ A wormhole _ _ is well within parameters!? By whose calculations!?” _

 

_ “Like I said, it’s stable.” _

 

_ The door flew by them, straight into the pit. _

 

_ “Oh, and it’s useful for disposal!” Ford added with a grin. “It’s great!” _

 

Bill slammed the door shut and turned to see Mabel and Soos, the girl holding her Nyarf gun smugly. The triangle burned red with fury. 

* * *

  
  


Ford was vaguely aware of everything that was happening in his dreamscape; even though the metaphysical representation of his consciousness was trapped in a ring of fire, the fact of the matter was he was really everywhere. He knew Mabel and Soos were trying their best to fight an enraged Bill, vastly outclassed with no knowledge of how the dreamscape worked. He knew Dipper was wandering about in his memories, feeling betrayed by a friend. 

 

There wasn’t much he could do directly in this situation, but perhaps he could shift his subconscious, lead Dipper to somewhere they could communicate. Then he could pass on directions and advice to his nephew. He could only hope the boy would listen to him.

* * *

  
  


Dipper had no idea how to find his way out of the dreamscape, or even if he could. No matter how long he walked, no matter how many turns he took, he couldn’t seem to find his way back to the entrance. The charcoal line he’d drawn was useless! It was almost as though the dreamscape was changing around him.

 

As the boy continued to wander, he found another door that had been left open. It was another memory of Ford’s college days, but this one seemed different. Ford was arguing with someone. This made Dipper pause. His uncle wasn’t normally the confrontational type.

 

_ Stanford stood in a room, with a blackboard full of intricate equations and diagrams behind him and a table full of his professors before him. It was his thesis defense, and one of his teachers was particularly sceptical of his project. _

 

_ “Your theories are completely unfounded. I can’t believe someone with your talent would be taken in by such pseudoscience, personal interest or not!” The professor berated him. _

 

_ “Unfounded!?” Ford retorted indignantly, “What about the dozens of eyewitness accounts? The hundreds, sometimes thousands of years of legends? The unsolved disappearances? These stories don’t just pop up out of thin air, there has to be  _ _ some _ _ basis in fact!” _

 

_ “Stories are no substitute for data, Pines!” The professor said curtly. _

 

_ “That’s why we need to research it! So we can collect data, and finally find out what these anomalies really are, and what causes them! The scientific community can’t continue to brush aside urban legends and so-called myths as though they were nothing. We’ll never learn anything about them that way. The mysteries will just remain mysteries!” _

 

The door to the memory closed, and another one beside it opened. 

 

_ Stanford stood at the desk of the college dean, who was holding a check.  _

 

_ “Anyone who can stand up to such opposition with such determination will go far in life.” The dean said. “I can’t think of anyone more deserving of this grant. Congratulations,  _ _ Doctor _ _ Pines, your hard work has finally paid off.” _

 

_ “Thank you, Dean Witherspoon.” Ford replied. _

 

_ Don’t freak out, don’t freak out! Ok, you’re a doctor now, you have to treat these things with dignity! _

 

_ Ford awkwardly thrust his fist into the dean’s hand instead of a normal handshake. The dean shook it anyway. _

 

Dipper didn’t know what to do with this new information. So Grunkle Ford had once been ridiculed for wanting to research the paranormal? But he’d gotten his research grant in the end. That didn’t explain why the old man wouldn’t listen to his nephew now. If anything, it raised more questions. That should give him  _ more _ reason to believe Dipper.

 

More doors opened, and Dipper realized he was back in the hall where memories of himself were located. Many of them were the same memories from before, but they played on further, showing Ford’s thoughts and actions afterwards.

 

_ Oh boy. This kid was smart, he'd figure it out on his own if he kept digging. _

 

_ Gideon’s psychic act was  _ _ too _ _ convincing, had gained popularity  _ _ too _ _ fast. _

 

_ “You really expect me to believe you outsmarted Dipper and overpowered Mabel?” _

 

_ Stanford stood out in the rain with a tape measurer and a compass. “Thirty inches long, five inches deep, apparently headed east… that  _ _ is _ _ odd for this time of year.” The old man shrugged. “Oh well, as long as it’s headed away from town, we shouldn’t have any problems.” _

 

Dipper stared in wonder. “So… he  _ was _ listening to me?”

 

The dark lighting in the hall around him seemed to brighten, and the temperature seemed pleasantly warmer. Almost as though the place was telling him “yes”. Which, Dipper realized, it was. This place was actually his uncle’s mind, after all.

 

“You were trying to protect me…” The boy said, looking in on his uncle in the memory. He reached forward to place a hand fondly on the memory, but he hadn’t realized the barrier between the hall and the memory wasn’t solid. He fell forward through the door.

 

Ford turned to face the boy in an instant. “Dipper! Oh, thank goodness.” He hugged his nephew, then caught a glance at the large hole in the boy’s chest. The old man’s expression hardened. “Let’s patch you up there.” The hole closed back up.

 

Dipper gasped. “H-how did you…? What’s going on here? Does this mean you actually believed in the supernatural all along? Why couldn’t you--”

 

“Dipper,” Ford cut him off. “I know you must have a lot of questions, but there’ll be time for that later. Right now your sister and Soos are in trouble, Bill is attacking them! I can’t help them right now, but you can!”

 

“But-but how can I help?” the boy asked anxiously, “Bill’s some sort of master of the mind, what can I do?”

 

“Literally anything you can imagine!” Stanford encouraged him. “This is the dreamscape, after all!” To demonstrate, the old scientist imagined a door, which promptly appeared before them. “This should lead you right to them. Be sure to let Mabel and Soos know what they can do, I’m sure the three of your imaginations will be more than a match for Bill!”

 

“Thanks Grunkle Ford!” Dipper smiled at him before hurrying on his way. He had an evil triangle to defeat!

* * *

  
  


After defeating Bill, everyone awoke with a start in the living room.

 

“We did it!” Mabel cheered, but the celebrating was cut short by a gasping, shuddering breath from Ford. He sat bolt upright, looking absolutely terrified.

 

“Grunkle Ford, it’s ok!” Dipper reassured him, “We defeated Bill!”

 

Ford stared at the boy as though he barely registered he was there. The scientist’s brilliant mind was racing, trying to determine why his nemesis would return now, and what that could possibly mean. This could hardly be considered a defeat; Bill would undoubtedly be back.

 

“I’m just glad Gideon didn’t get the deed!” Mabel sighed in relief. “I love staying in this old house!”

 

Suddenly, the house began to shake.

 

“Dudes! Earthquake!” Soos yelled, throwing himself on top of the young twins. And it was a good thing he did, as an explosion rocked the house, caving in the wall beside them.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry Pines family, did I wake you?” Gideon walked in wearing a hardhat and a wicked grin.

 

“What, but… but we stopped you!” Dipper stammered.

 

“You stopped Bill!” Gideon corrected “So I switched to plan B, Dynamite!” He held up the deed. “And now that this here deed is mine, this house belongs to lil ol’ me!  _ So get of my property _ !”

 

They all scampered out as Bud Gleeful brought around a wrecking ball, Soos dragging Ford along. The old man was still in a bit of a scared daze. Dipper looked back at the house in disbelief as the wrecking ball crashed through the roof. This had to be another nightmare, right?


	20. The Fall of Gideon Gleeful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which unbridled paranoia saves the day.

After Gideon had taken possession of their house, the Pines family had to spend the night at Soos’s place, where the mechanic’s abuelita was kind enough let them stay. Unfortunately, they still had a hard time sleeping that night. Partially because the sleepingbags they were using were old and lumpy, and partially because once they did fall asleep, Dipper and Grunkle Ford both woke up screaming from nightmares multiple times through the night.

 

Ford had not been doing well since his recent encounter with Bill Cipher. He was twitchy, and jumped at every unexpected sound or movement. He kept a wary eye on every stranger that crossed his line of sight. Dipper and Mabel were beginning to see why he had a reputation of being crazy among the townsfolk. 

 

Meanwhile, the kids were racking their brains, trying to think of a way to save the day. Mabel suggested her grappling hook, but Dipper was skeptical of its use in this situation.

 

“We should go to the police, or take Gideon to court or something!” Dipper said, “He can’t take your house just because he stole the deed, property laws don’t work that way!”

 

“They do in Gravity Falls.” Ford said glumly. “Remember, this town was founded by Quentin Trembley. Property being tied to the physical deed isn’t even the craziest law he passed here. It’s also legal to build and operate giant robots within the city limits, which is pretty incredible when you consider not even the concept of robots existed back in the 1800’s.”

 

“He really was ahead of his time.” Mabel said in awe.

 

“But… but there has to be something we can do!” Dipper fretted.

 

“Well, we could go down to the ground-breaking of Gideonland and yell at him!” Soos suggested. “Probably won’t actually do anything useful, but it might make you feel a little better.”

 

Without much else in the way of options, the Pines decided to follow their friends advice. They snuck into the ground-breaking ceremony.

 

“Why do we have to  wear disguises?” Dipper asked as he pulled the fence up for the others to crawl under.

 

“Because I wanted to wear this awesome mustache!” Mabel said with a grin.

 

“Because I doubt Gideon would let us in otherwise, considering our quarrel with him.” Ford clarified.

 

All the people around them were chatting animatedly, describing how Gideon’s psychic powers had guessed impossible-to-guess things, and fawning over how cute he was. It made Ford sick. His journals hadn’t been meant to be used this way! He couldn’t even remember anything that would allow Gideon to learn people’s secrets like this. It couldn’t be mind-reading, otherwise the little troll wouldn’t be so keen on getting Ford to reveal what he knew. X-ray vision, perhaps?

 

The old scientist was shaken from his thoughts when Gideon unveiled his new mascot.

 

“Boom, he’s a pig!” The albino boy declared, whipping a sheet off a familiar pig dressed in a tiny blue blazer and white wig.

 

“Waddles!” Mabel cried, “You monster!” She rushed forward to reclaim her pig, pushing past the crowd. Her family members had no choice but to follow her.

 

“Well look who we have here!” Gideon said brightly as he watched Mabel jump up on the stage. “Mabel, my sweet, always a delight to see you. Oh, and Dr. Pines! I really must thank you for givin’ me the deed to this here property. ...Dipper.” He added weakly.

 

“Listen up, people, Gideon’s a fraud!” Dipper yelled out to the crowd. “He broke in and stole the deed from our house!”

 

Unfortunately, the crowd didn’t believe him.

 

“Lil’ Gideon would never steal!” Lazy Susan protested.

 

“He’s Gravity Falls sweetheart!” Manly Dan yelled. “I love him  _ so much! _ ”

 

“Yeah!” Deputy Durland agreed. “We love you Lil’ Gideon, sing them funny songs!”

 

Gideon snapped and a pair of burly body-guards stepped forward and manhandled them off the stage.

 

“Thanks for visitin’ folks, but I’m afraid y’all are causin’ a scene. But Mabel, feel free to stop by anytime! As for the rest of y’all, I’m workin’ on the restrainin’ order.”

* * *

  
  


Stanford sat in the bathroom of Soos’s house. He wouldn’t normally talk on the cellphone in someone else’s bathroom, but it was the most private room in the house at the moment, and he really didn’t want this conversation to be overheard.

 

“Where are you staying?” Mrs. Pines asked over the line.

 

“Unfortunately there aren’t any hotels or motels in town, so we’re staying with one of my colleagues for now.” Ford said, carefully omitting the fact that Soos was actually one of his former students, rather than a fellow teacher from the school.

 

“I can’t believe this! The  _ gall _ of those developers, you should take them to court Stanford!” Mr. Pines said indignantly.

 

The old scientist smiled despite the situation. “That’s what your son suggested.” He sighed. “I’m doing what I can, but for the time being, I really think it would be best if the kids went home.”

 

“Oh, are you sure?” Mrs. Pines asked sadly. “From Mabel’s letters it seemed like you were all getting along so well.”

 

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course he didn't  _ want _ the kids to go, but it wasn't safe for them here, not with Bill's return and Gideon's schemes. But he couldn't tell their parents that. "We have, and I hate to see them go, but I don't want them to spend their whole summer sleeping in sleeping bags on the living room floor. I'm not sure when or even _ if _ I'll be able to fix this. I just want to do what's best for them."

 

"Go ahead and send them home if you think that's best," Mr. Pines said, "but be sure to call us if circumstances change. I'm sure Mabel and Dipper would love to come back."

 

"Good luck Stanford, take care." Mrs. Pines said in farewell.

 

"Thanks, you too." Ford replied. He set the phone down heavily and ran a hand through his hair. Now came the hard part: telling the kids.

 

They were both sitting in the living room. Mabel and Soos were playing with a broken racetrack, while Dipper watched glumly from the sidelines, but he jumped up once his uncle entered the room.

 

"Grunkle Ford! I know you've been really busy and stressed out lately, but I've been meaning to talk to you about what happened before, y'know, with Bill."

 

The old man frowned sadly and pulled a couple of slips of paper out of his pocket, handing them to Dipper.

 

"Are these... bus tickets back to California?" The boy asked in shock.

 

"What!?" Mabel exclaimed. "Grunkle Ford you can't give up!"

 

"Yeah dude! You can’t just leave these little guys hangin’!" Soos agreed, shaking Mabel's shoulder. "Be cuter Mabel, your summer depends on it!"

 

Ford knelt down and looked the two of them in the eye. "I'm sorry, I wish you could stay, but it's just not safe. I couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to you two while you were here."

 

" _ Why  _ isn't it safe though?" Dipper asked desperately. "Can't we at least talk before we have to go?"

 

The scientist paused, thinking it over, going back and forth whether or not he should, but in the end he erred on the side of caution. "I've been keeping these things secret for a reason."

 

"But you said-" Dipper protested.

 

"That was  _ before  _ Gideon stole the deed to my house!" Ford stopped him. "I'm sorry Dipper, but please trust me on this."

 

Stanford left the kids and trudged out the door, a grim resolution in his steps. There was only one thing left to do now. Gideon had one Journal, he was in contact with Bill, and now he owned the building where the portal was located. Ford  _ couldn't  _ let him find it. Not in one piece, anyway.

* * *

  
  


While the kids were galavanting around trying to find their own way to stop Gideon, Ford was staking out his former house, watching carefully while hidden in the trees of the surrounding forest. Gideon and his father both had shovels, and were digging up the property, seemingly at random intervals.

 

"Where are you Journal..." Gideon muttered to himself as he dug. "Where are you?"

 

So Gideon was looking for the other Journals as well? He wasn't going to have any luck so close to the house, that was for sure. Ford had already combed over that area extensively. 

 

"Boy, I hate to interrupt ya, but you've got visitors." Bud called to his son. Gideon followed, grumbling under his breath about stupid podunk busy-bodies. 

 

Ford stepped out into the clearing. This was the distraction he'd been waiting for, a chance to sneak in and reach the portal lab unnoticed. He climbed up a tree onto the roof, and was about to enter through a trapdoor into the library when he heard a voice behind him.

 

“Well howdy Stanford!” Old Man McGucket called. He was perched with his welding equipment on a large metal something. What, Ford could only guess, as it was mostly covered by a large sheet.

 

“Fiddleford!” The old teacher nearly jumped out of his shoes. “Uh… how are you?” He asked, trying to gauge his crazy old friend’s mood. There were few worse times for someone to be shouting at him, but if Fiddleford was here and being chummy, maybe Stanford could use that to his advantage.

 

“I’m doin’ great! Got a job workin’ fer Gideon here! He’s havin’ me build somethin’ fer ‘im!” McGucket said proudly. “Firs’ buildin’ job I had in a long while!”

 

Ford’s stomach flip-flopped. Had Gideon already found the portal!? Was he using Fiddleford to activate it!? It was bad enough that Gideon was playing with dangerous forces beyond his understanding, but making McGucket work on the very thing that had driven him mad in the first place was just cruel, whether the Gleeful boy realized what he was doing or not.

 

“You wanna come see what I’m workin’ on?” Fiddleford asked. He was obviously in one of his friendlier moods today, he was acting just like he had when they’d been lab partners back in college.

 

“Yes! Yes I’d like to see what you’re working on!” Ford agreed quickly. This was the perfect opportunity!

 

“Come on then!” The old coot pulled back a panel to show the inner workings of the metal something. McGucket grabbed onto a chain and climbed up nimbly. Stanford stooped down and did his best to follow. He couldn’t help but be reminded of their old expeditions into the ancient alien spaceship, although their roles were now reversed. Now Fiddleford was the one charging ahead without a second thought and Ford was the one hanging back cautiously.

 

They climbed over giant pistons and joints until they found themselves in a large, round room with a couple of round windows and light shining down on a round platform.

 

“This here’s where the pilot goes!” Fiddleford explained excitedly. “He wears a funky suit with thingamawhatsits all over it so as the computermajig can read his movements. Then the codey-chip thingys tell the servos what ways they should turn an’ all! Got the idea from watching the special features of The Lord of the Rings movies through some guy’s window! Wish I’d thoughta it fer the Gobblewonker!”

 

Stanford frowned in confusion. This wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all. This wasn’t related to the portal, as far as he could tell. But at least his old friend wasn’t working on the very thing that had driven them apart. And he couldn’t exactly leave now. McGucket might tell Gideon that Ford had been here. As long as they were on this little tour, he was safe.

 

That led Ford’s thoughts to another question. “Fiddleford, why are you working for Gideon, anyway?”

 

McGucket shrugged. “I dunno, just got a good feelin’ ‘bout the kid!”

 

The old teacher shook his head in disbelief. And  _ he _ was supposed to be the one who was a horrible judge of character.

 

“An’ besides that, I needed the money.” The old coot continued. “I been havin’ a hard time makin’ ends meet since I quit workin’ for you…”

 

Ford could see this conversation was beginning to lead down a path that typically ended with McGucket yelling at him, so he quickly changed the subject.

 

“What’s down here?” He asked, pointing to a hatch at his feet.

 

“Oh, that’s jus’ a little somethin’ Gideon had me move outta his old place.” Fiddleford explained. “Wanted to make it mobile, so that’s what I did! Heheh!”

 

Ford cranked open the hatch and climbed the ladder down to find another round room, this one covered from floor to ceiling in monitors, with a comfy chair shaped like the star from the Tent-o-Telepathy. Each monitor showed a different citizen of Gravity Falls, many of them in the middle of doing something decidedly private, embarrassing, or secretive.

 

“The kid really likes his reality TV.” Fiddleford commented.

 

“Hidden cameras! So  _ that’s _ how he’s doing it!” Ford exclaimed, a hopeful grin spreading across his face. “Unlawful surveillance… wow, when I reveal this… this is a  _ felony _ , all his property will be forfeit, including my place!”

 

Ford’s moment of triumph was interrupted when Gideon’s staticy voice rang through the room. “Old man! Is it ready?” 

 

McGucket reached into his beard and pulled out a walkie-talkie. “Only one way to find out!”

 

“Wait!” Ford hissed quietly, so the receiver wouldn’t pick him up. “We need to get out of here first!”

 

“Oh yeah!” Fiddleford smacked his head. “Heheh, silly me, always forgettin’.” He found another hatch that dropped them down at the bottom of the sheet. Ford snuck away before Gideon could see him. He hadn’t gotten a chance to find out what frequency these hidden cameras were broadcasting on, but now that he knew what to look for, Ford was sure he could find it soon.

* * *

 

Since his old garage was currently on enemy territory, Ford had to do a bit of dumpster diving to find an old radio he could modify to search for the hidden cameras' signal. That had attracted more than a few odd looks from the towns folk, but he was pretty good at ignoring them.

 

Finally, he finished his tweaking and turned the scanner on, searching for the correct signal. The Gravity Falls Mall seemed like a decent place to start.

 

“Hm… no, that’s the police’s frequency…” The old man mumbled to himself as he carefully turned the knobs, watching the tiny monitor and listening to the speaker carefully. “...and the local TV station…” He continued, completely missing the TVs in the electronics store behind him fuzzing out all at once. “Aha! There it is!” Several mall-goers turned and stared at him.

 

Now that he had the signal, Ford just needed to triangulate the location! He wandered all over the mall, taking note of the strength of the signal at several different places until he felt confident that he had pinpointed their source. 

 

“Of course! The pins!” He exclaimed when he saw it. “It all makes sense! Gideon’s been giving these out to everybody as a promotion for the Tent-o-Telepathy, and of course they’d all keep something so cute on their person! That’s how he seems to be able to read minds!”

 

“Uh… what are you talking about?” Tyler Cutebiker, who was wearing the pin Ford was currently observing, asked.

 

“You’ll find out soon enough. Right now I need that pin!” Ford demanded.

 

“What’ll you trade me for it?” Tyler asked.

 

“Er, well, I’ve got this receiver here that works as a radio, television, and mobile phone.”

 

“Hmmm… does it come in green?”

 

“... Y’know, actually I think I know someone who could lend me some green spray paint. Wait right here.”

* * *

  
  


“Kids!” Stanford exclaimed as he entered into the Ramirez's house. “I’ve finally found good solid evidence against Gideon!”

 

He was surprised to find the house entirely quiet. No Mabel knocking about with her playful enthusiasm, no Dipper asking uncomfortably close questions, not even Soos, with his goodnatured clumsiness. The place seemed to be quiet, that is until he found Abuelita sitting in her usual chair in front of the TV.

 

“Where is everyone?” he asked her.

 

“They go to the bus.” She replied. “Maybe an hour ago.”

 

The old man’s stomach clenched. He checked his watch, and sure enough, the bus taking the kids back to California had left almost an hour ago. He’d completely lost track of time while he was following that lead on Gideon’s hidden surveillance. 

 

“Oh no…” He sat down heavily on the couch heavily, his emotions starting to get the better of him. “I… I didn’t even get to say goodbye…” It felt like his heart had been crushed by that robot Fiddleford had built. After all that time bonding with the kids, after all they’d done together, he’d just let them go. Stanford mentally reprimanded himself for always letting this happen.

 

But no, it didn’t have to happen this time! He had a way to expose Gideon’s true nature to the town, and once it was safe in Gravity Falls again, the kids could come back. He could still fix this. He stood back up, gripping the Gideon pin tightly in his large hand. 

 

“I have to go now!” He told Mz. Ramirez, dashing out the door.

 

“ Siempre en un apuro, ese tipo.” She muttered softly as he left.

* * *

  
  


Dipper looked forlornly out the window as they approached the edge or Roadkill County. 

 

“Hey Dipper, wanna play bus-seat treasure hunt?” Mabel asked him, vainly trying to raise his spirits.

 

“He didn’t even say goodbye.” The boy said bitterly.

 

“C’mon bro, we know Grunkle Ford loves us!” Mabel reassured him. “Remember? We went through that whole Dreamscape trip thingy and made sure. I bet it would’ve been too emotional for him.”

 

Her brother sighed, still staring out the window. “It’s just, I thought we were friends, y’know? But in the end, it turned out he was hiding stuff from me! I just wonder if that’s part of the reason he didn’t come.”

 

“Aw Dipper,” Mabel hugged him. “Sometimes people hide stuff, even from people they love. Like how I never told you about that vampire blind-date, or how you never told Grunkle Ford about your creepy Journal.”

 

The boy finally turned and looked at his sister. He hadn’t really thought of it that way, but he supposed she had a point. But as he turned, he caught sight of something that completely shook other thoughts from his mind.

 

“Giant robot!” He cried.

 

“Wait, what?” Mabel asked in confusion, before turning and seeing the giant Gideon-shaped robot barreling down the road towards them. “Mr. Busdriver!” She yelled, running up to the front. “There’s a giant Gideon-bot chasing us!”

 

“Relax, Hambone, once I find the button that transforms this bus into a giant fighting robot of our own, we’ll take him!”

 

“Soos!?” Dipper asked in disbelief.

 

“Yeah dude! I needed a new job after Gideon shut down the garage, and I figured this way I’d get to spend a little more time with you dudes!” The young mechanic explained.

 

Unable to find any way to transform the bus into a robot, Soos had to do his best to outmaneuver the robot by driving up the switchbacks to the top of the cliff. Unfortunately Gideon's mech was more agile than it appeared to be, and easily kept pace. They soon found themselves cornered on the edge of the cliff overlooking the railroad bridge. Dipper and Mabel fled onto the bridge while Soos tried to find advice on what to do by reading the bus manual.

 

Gideon ignored the bus and pursued the young twins onto the bridge. " **Tell me! Where is Journal number 1!?** " He screamed.

 

"Journal number 1?" Dipper and Mabel wondered simultaneously. They had never heard of such a thing.

 

"You took the only Journal I ever had!" Dipper insisted.

 

" **Don't play dumb with me!** " The psychotic nine-year-old ranted. " **Even if he didn't give it to you, you must know where he hid it!** "

 

"I don't know what you're talking about, man!" The boy in the blue hat said.

 

" **Then you're of no use to me!** " The robot bent down and picked up Mabel. She and Dipper tried desperately to hold on to one another, but it was no use. The giant mech shook him off with little trouble.

 

“ **Still think you’re some kind of hero, kid?** ” Gideon mocked. “ **Once I find the first Journal, I’ll rule this town, with Mabel as my queen!** ”

 

“Dipper, help!” Mabel called out to where he brother had landed on the opposite cliffside. His rough landing had left him bumped and bruised, and he was pretty sure his nose was bleeding. He watched helplessly as the robot walked away with his sister. What could he possibly do? He wasn’t strong, he wasn’t even that smart, Gideon had taken the Journal, his best resource against the strange and unusual in Gravity Falls, and now the creep had even taken his twin sister, the one person who was always by his side.

 

Mabel was always by his side, and that’s why Dipper had to help her now.

 

The boy took a running start and leapt off the cliff.

* * *

  
  


Ford had just been thinking about how he was going to show the whole town what he’d discovered about Gideon when there was an explosion at the edge of town. After nearly jumping out of his skin and determining that the world was not in fact ending, he realized that everyone was going to see what had caused the blast. This was his chance to finally show the whole town Gideon’s true nature! He hopped in his car and drove towards the center of activity. Several people were already there, and Ford was surprised to see Mabel and Dipper in the center of the wreckage, along with Gideon, who seemed to be accusing them of the whole mess.

 

“Arrest ‘em!” The child psycho commanded the Sheriff.

 

“Wait!” Stanford yelled, jumping out of his car. “Gideon is a fraud, and I can prove it this time!”

 

“Grunkle Ford!?” The kids exclaimed.

 

Sheriff Blubs sighed in exasperation. “Not this again. Do we need to escort you home again Dr. Pines?”

 

“Absolutely not!” The old scientist said. “You all think Gideon’s some perfectly honest, insightful psychic, but not only are his powers fake, he’s been engaging in illegal activities! Look!” He kicked over a panel of the wrecked robot to reveal the surveillance room, which was still running despite the damage to the rest of the robot. Everyone gasped as they spotted video of themselves playing on one of the many monitors. “His so-called ‘psychic knowledge’ is just information he gathered from hidden cameras in his pins. So at the very least that’s one count of fraud and one count of unlawful surveillance, which I believe is a felony.”

 

The townsfolk all rounded on Gideon, looking betrayed and enraged.

 

“Uh, no, I… It’s not what it looks like!” Gideon offered a pitiful defense.

 

“Durland, the tiny handcuffs.” Sheriff Blubs said. Durland pulled the out and wiped a tear from his eye. As Gideon struggled with the police, an old sheet of paper and a worn, red book dropped out of his jacket. Ford swooped in and reclaimed them before anyone else could notice.

 

“Grunkle Ford, you did it!” Mabel tackled him joyfully, nearly knocking the old man down.

 

“Oh, I just tracked down a rogue broadcast signal. It looks like you two had a much more impressive showdown with Gideon.”

 

“Yeah,” Dipper laughed dryly, “But he still would’ve gotten us arrested in the end if it hadn’t been for you!”

 

“What are you two even doing here?” Ford asked, “I thought you two got on the bus back to California.”

 

“We did, but then that giant robot chased us back here!” Mabel explained. “It’s like the universe wants us to be here!”

 

Stanford shook his head. “Well, I guess I’d better call your parents and let them know circumstances have changed. I… I’m sorry for not being there to see you off, by the way. I lost track of time trying to find a way to expose Gideon.”

 

Dipper shrugged. “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter now that we’re staying.”

 

Ford sighed in relief. “Good. Let’s go home.”

* * *

  
  


Thanks to Wendy getting on her dad’s case about falling hook, line, and sinker for Gideon’s schtick, Manly Dan finished the repairs on the house in record time. Things seemed to be going back to the chaotic mess that passed for normal in Gravity Falls. But something was still bothering Dipper. In all the craziness since Gideon had stolen the deed, he  _ still _ hadn’t had the chance to ask Grunkle Ford about what the old man knew about the paranormal and supernatural things around Gravity Falls. Not for lack of trying though. Ford just always seemed to dodge the question. As the young twins moved back into their attic room, Dipper resolved that tonight was going to be different. He’d thought about what Mabel had said in the bus, and the two of them had decided it was about time to share at least one secret.

 

There was a knock at the door and Ford stuck his head in to check on them. “Are you two settling back in alright?”

 

“Yep!” Mabel affirmed, re-stapling her various posters to the slanted ceiling. “I’m all set to start seeing new faces in the new wood grain!”

 

“Hey, Grunkle Ford,” Dipper started, taking his uncle’s hand and guiding him to sit on the bed, “Me and Mabel have been talking, and I think there’s something we should finally tell you.” The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out Journal 3.

 

Ford’s eyes widened. It couldn’t be! And yet despite the tattered and torn cover, it was unmistakable. “Dipper, I… that…. Where did you…. How long have you had this?!”

 

“Oh, uh, I found it in the woods, not that long after I got here.” Dipper explained, taken aback by his uncle’s reaction. 

 

“You mean to tell me you had it the entire time!?” The old man accused. “And you never told me!? I’ve been looking for this for 30 years!”

 

“Wait, you know what this is?” The boy asked, stunned.

 

“ _ Of course _ I know what it is, I  _ wrote _ the darn thing!” Ford immediately opened it up to the portal blueprint. Undamaged and unaltered, good. There were a few notes here that stirred old memories. Maybe this was the final key he needed to  _ finally _ modify the portal to open safely. He needed to start right away! “I have to go.” He stood up abruptly from the bed.

 

“Wait, what!?” Dipper cried. “ _ Y-you’re _ the Author? But then… omigosh I have so many questions!”

 

“I’m sorry Dipper, but this can’t wait!” Ford apologized briskly, already halfway out the door. 

 

“Grunkle Ford, wait!” The boy called after him, but Mabel caught her brother’s arm and pulled him back.

 

“Don’t worry, bro, you’ve still got the whole summer to ask him questions, right?” She reassured him.

 

“Well, yeah, I guess, but I still wanna know.” Dipper groaned. “I just can’t believe this whole time I was living with the Author of the Journals and I didn’t even know it! He’s like my hero, and it turns out to be Grunkle Ford!? I-I don’t know how to feel about this. It’s cool, but it’s also… I dunno, it both does and doesn’t make sense.”

 

Mabel giggled. “Hey, huge nerds can be heroes sometimes. Like you! You beat a giant robot with your bare hands!”

 

Dipper paused for a moment. He hadn’t thought of it that way. “Woah. Thanks Mabel.” He said gratefully. 

 

“Just stating the facts!” She grinned.

 

After such an exhausting week, the kids fell asleep quickly. But if they had stayed awake, they may have seen the lights pouring out of the floorboards or heard the machine beneath the house roaring back to life.


	21. Got Some Explaining to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ford finally tells the kids what's going on.

Dipper Pines was frustrated. He’d been trying to ask Grunkle Ford questions about the old man’s knowledge for days now, and had gotten nowhere. Then, just last night, they’d learned that Ford was none other than the Author of the Journals himself! And still the mysterious scientist had ducked out of the room just seconds after the reveal, once again leaving Dipper high and dry. Well he wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. Today Dipper was going to get answers, even if he had to cling to his uncle’s leg and refuse to let go.

 

But when Dipper and Mabel came downstairs for breakfast, Ford was nowhere to be seen. He wasn’t in the kitchen, the library, the living room, his bedroom, or even the garage. It was like he’d disappeared. 

 

“Where could he have gone?” Dipper wondered. “What is he doing with those Journals? Why are they so important that Gideon went through all that trouble to find them?”

 

Mabel shrugged. “It  _ is _ weird that he’s just gone…” She agreed. “But I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Grunkle Ford _ did _ act like he had something really important to do. He’s probably just getting an early start on the day, right?”

* * *

  
  


Stanford Pines had been awake all night, and showed no sign of stopping. Sure, he hadn’t gotten much sleep in the past week, but pure excitement and determination fueled him onward. 

 

The first step had been to examine the entire blueprint, now that he had all three parts together, and compare it to the changes he had made to the portal over the years. Where there were significant differences, he had to carefully analyse whether it was a necessary change to improve the portal’s safety, or if the original design was required to function. Ford was glad to find that it was indeed still functional despite all the changes. However, despite all his attempts, all the models he ran, all the calculations he did  _ still _ predicted the portal becoming unstable!

 

After reading some extra notes in Journal 3, Ford began to realize the problem was not with the portal, but with Gravity Falls itself! The very weak spot between dimensions here was the reason any portal would quickly destabilize into an uncontrollable rift. But it wasn’t like he could move the portal, and even if he could, it wouldn’t  _ work _ anywhere else. He didn’t have the technology to open a portal between dimensions where there  _ wasn’t  _ a weak spot. Bill had left him with no other options.

 

Ford slammed his fist down on the desk where he was working. All that time and effort he’d put into improving the portal, and all he’d accomplished was minimizing the damage! It didn’t matter if the rift was small, it would still be enough for Bill to use.

 

That had been the second step, to relearn exactly what it was Bill wanted. That had been scary, going back and reading Journals 2 and 3, and seeing just how completely Bill had hoodwinked him. He began to see why Gideon had become so power-hungry, as some of his entries under Bill’s influence detailed how he would finally be able to stick it to those who had mocked him before. The old scientist supposed something like that would be appealing to the nine-year-old; his pale skin and white hair made him as much of an anomaly as Ford. It wasn’t until the added notes in Journal 3 that he finally found evidence of Bill’s treachery, which was scary for a completely different reason. Having this fresh reminder of just how far his sanity had slipped back then sent shivers up his spine. 

 

Finally, he found some hints in code. He had probably hoped Bill wouldn’t realize how much he really knew,  but admittedly, it wasn’t much. Bill wanted a physical form in this world, and planned to break all the laws of physics once he got here, in some sort of world-ending “party”. Why? No one seemed to know. Bill didn’t seem to have a reason beyond thinking it would be funny.

 

So now, knowing what he knew, Stanford was faced with a choice. Really, it was the same choice he’d faced for thirty years. Did he willfully reactivate the portal, more likely than not ending the world as we know it, to save his brother who may or may not be dead by now, or did he play it safe, and leave Stan to his fate. The fate Ford had doomed him to.

 

It was too hard a decision to make! There was a reason he’d been procrastinating making it as long as he had, but now that he’d reclaimed all three Journals, he no longer had an excuse. He told himself he’d at least eat first. This kind of grave decision shouldn’t be made on an empty stomach.

 

As he rode up the elevator, the weight of the world seemed to crash down on him. He should be exhausted, and yet he felt full of nervous energy. He was scared. Scared of what the future held. Scared of what choice he would make.

 

Which is probably why he nearly jumped out of his skin when the kids found him in the kitchen.

 

“Grunkle Ford!” Mabel yelled when she found him slumped over the kitchen counter. “Where have you been!? We were getting worried about you!”

 

Dipper ran in the other door as soon as he heard his sister yelling. Ford couldn’t help but feel like the boy was trapping him in there.

 

“Grunkle Ford!” Dipper exclaimed. He looked determined to ask the old man something, but changed his mind when he got a good look at Ford’s disheveled face. “...Are you ok?”

 

"... I'll live." Ford murmured

 

The boy regained his resolve. "What the heck is going on?" He demanded. "If you're really the Author of the Journals, then why did you always act like you didn't believe in the supernatural? And what's so important about those Journals that made Gideon want them so bad?"

 

Ford looked at the young twins, who had grown and done so much in the short time he'd known them. There was no use trying to hide it anymore; they already knew too much.

 

"I suppose I owe you both an explanation." Ford sighed.

 

"Oooh, story time!" Mabel cooed.

 

"It's not a very happy story." The scientist warned her.

 

"Don't care! Story!" She exclaimed.

 

"Alright, alright, just give me a minute to think of where to start..." Ford rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I don't suppose your Grandpa Shermy ever told you he had  _ two  _ older brothers?"

 

Dipper and Mabel both shook their heads in wide-eyed surprise.

 

Their uncle frowned sadly. "No, I don't suppose he would have, after what happened. They never really got to know each other anyway."

 

"What happened to him?" Mabel asked.

 

"And what does that have to do with everything else?" Dipper added.

 

"His story is intertwined with mine, and therefore with the Journals and everything else that I've worked on here in Gravity Falls.” Ford explained. “He wa--  _ is _ my twin brother, Stanley.”

 

The colorful girl gasped. “Get out! You’re a twin too, and you never told us?!”

 

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Out of all the things he’s been keeping from us,  _ this _ is the one that gets a reaction from you?” He turned back to his uncle. “So, what happened to this Stanley guy that’s so important? And why’ve we never heard of him?”

 

“Well… everyone else thinks he’s dead.” Ford said slowly.

 

“But he’s not?” The boy asked.

 

Ford’s stomach twisted. “I-I’m not sure… I don’t  _ think _ he is, but I really can’t know for sure…”

 

Mabel’s eyes widened to saucer-size. “Omigosh, did he get turned to stone by some evil wizard?  _ Do you have to break the curse with true love _ !?”

 

The old man quirked a smile despite himself. “If only that were the case. But before I tell you that story, I have to tell you  _ this  _ story.

 

“Growing up in New Jersey is tough, and it wasn’t made any easier being born with six fingers on each hand. To make matters worse, my father was never exactly a supportive man, and my mother, while more likely to show love and affection, wasn’t always very attentive. The bullying could be unbearable at times. For most of my young childhood, Stanley was my only friend in the world. 

 

“At a glance, we seemed to be polar opposites. I loved books and stories about the strange, unexplained phenomena of the world. Stan loved monster movies and getting into fights. But we didn’t care. Together, we were the perfect team. We did everything together, and I knew I could always count on Stan to have my back, even against bullies three times his size.

 

“But things started to change as we got older. I’d always been good in school. Most of the teachers called me a know-it-all, actually. Once I got into middle school though, I took an IQ test, and finally got proof that I had more than just an above-average intelligence. Suddenly, all the teachers were actually more than happy to answer all my extra questions, and my crazy project ideas were finally taken seriously. It didn’t stop the bullying, if anything, it got worse, but Stan continued to stand up for me. Even though I’m fairly sure this is when the issues in our relationship started. 

 

“You see, unlike me, Stan had always had a bit of trouble with school, and I believe he became… not _ jealous _ , exactly… resentful… isn’t quite the right word either. He was proud of me, he always said so, but… it was like he was succeeding vicariously through me, because he thought he couldn’t succeed on his own. We still got along well enough all the way through high school, until the science fair of our senior year. That’s when everything fell apart.”

 

“What?” Dipper asked. “You guys had a fight?”

 

Ford grimaced. “It was far more than just a fight. You see, for my science fair project that year, I’d built a perpetual motion machine.”

 

The boy gasped. “No way!”

 

The old man smirked. “Yes way.”

 

“Not like, a model or a theoretical concept, you actually built a  _ working _ perpetual motion machine!?”

 

Ford nodded.

 

“ _ How _ do you not have a Nobel Prize!?”

 

The scientist’s face darkened. “That would be because of our falling out.

 

“When word got out that some kid from New Jersey built an actual perpetual motion machine, some representatives from West Coast Tech, the _ top school _ in the nation at the time for theoretical physics, came to see if I was the real deal. But there was a problem. When they got there, the machine had  _ stopped. _ It was broken.”

 

The kids gasped. “How’d it get broken?” Mabel asked.

 

Ford clenched his fists, and his whole frame stiffened. “ _ Stanley. _ ”

 

“No way.” Dipper breathed.

 

“But why would he do that!?” Mabel asked, sad and confused. “You two are twins, you were friends! Why would he do something terrible to you like that? It doesn’t make sense!”

 

The old man sighed. “He was a dumb teenager. We both were. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from thirty years of teaching high school, it’s that teens don’t think rationally. They do incredibly stupid things without thinking them through. I’m not sure if even Stan knew exactly what he was thinking at the time. As near as I can tell, he’d gotten it into his head that we were going to sail away together on the Stan’O’War once we finished high school.”

 

“The what?” Mabel asked.

 

“It was an old sailboat we’d found in a cave when we were kids.” Ford explained, a tint of fondness creeping back into his previously bitter voice. “We’d been working on restoring it for years. It had given us something to do when the rest of the world was being particularly cruel. It was a glimmer of hope, an escape. I’d thought we’d take her up and down the coast for a couple of days after we graduated, but Stan wanted to do it  _ full time _ .

 

“He’d never really figured out what he wanted to do with himself after high school, and thanks to what some of our teachers were saying, he didn’t think he could make it on his own. And now I was heading to college on the other end of the country. I guess in his mind at the time, he thought sabotaging my project would keep me from going. Which it did, but it also had severe consequences for Stanley. Ones that he obviously hadn’t thought through.”

 

“But how can you be sure it was him?” Mabel asked, still unwilling to believe that anyone would do that to their own brother.

 

“He confessed to me as soon as I got home. He’d left a wrapper from his favorite snack there as evidence, so I confronted him. He claimed it was an accident. Even years later he  _ still _ claimed it was an accident, but it was too convenient. I find it far more likely that’s just what he’s convinced  _ himself _ of.”

 

“What’d you mean by ‘severe consequences’?” Dipper asked.

 

“Well for one, I was  _ furious _ with him.” Ford said. “I could barely even look at him for the rest of that night. But that’s  _ nothing _ compared to how angry our father was. Dad kicked Stan out with nothing more than a hastily-packed duffel bag and orders not to come back until he earned back the scholarship money he’d lost me. Which, considering it was almost a million dollars, was basically Dad’s way of saying ‘Leave and never come back.’ And I, stupid, angry teenager that I was, didn’t even say goodbye.”

 

“Oh!” Mabel cried, “This story is so sad!”

 

“Well, I did warn you.” Ford reminded her.

 

“Yeah, it’s sad and all,” Dipper agreed, “But I still don’t understand what all this has to do with Gravity Falls or the Journals.”

 

“I’m getting to it.” The scientist assured them. “Let’s see, where was I… oh yes, I’d lost my chance at West Coast Tech. My family was poor and I hadn’t thought to apply for any other scholarships, so I ended up going to Backupsmore University. It wasn’t ideal, I had to work twice as hard, but I was no stranger to hard work. I pulled out all the stops to earn my PhD in only six years. I spent every possible moment in the physics lab. In fact, that’s where I first met McGucket all those years ago.”

 

“Whoa,” Dipper commented, “You and McGucket went to the same college?”

 

“Yes, this was long before… well, I’m getting ahead of myself. Back then he was a brilliant electrical engineer; he was involved in some pioneering work on computer systems.” A shadow a guilt crossed his face as he spoke.

 

“Anyway, my thesis was a hard-sell, but my defense was so thorough that it became nationally ranked, and I received a generous grant from Backupsmore University since I’d earned them a bit of prestige. I wanted to study anomalies: things that were odd, unusual, statistically improbable, like the six fingers that had always gotten me teased. There was one place that had a higher concentration of anomalies than anywhere else: Gravity Falls, Oregon. And I wasn’t disappointed. Within just a few hours of arriving an Ent wrecked my car. I began to record my investigations in a Journal.”

 

“ _ Eeee _ ! The Journals!” Dipper cried in excitement. His family members shot him an odd look. “Uh, sorry, just… got really excited there. About the Journals. Ke-keep going.”

 

“... I recorded my investigations in a Journal--”

 

“ _ Eeeee _ !”

 

“Dipper do you need me to get you a glass of water or something to help you calm down?” Ford asked in concern.

 

“No, no, I’m good! Just ignore me!”

 

“Anyway, there were anomalies  _ everywhere _ ! I’d filled three volumes in no time, but the solution to the real question eluded me: where did all these anomalies come from? Why were there more here than anywhere else? It seemed to me the answer must come from outside our own world, a dimension of weirdness, leaking into ours. I realized the only way to understand what made Gravity Falls special was to built a gateway between the two worlds.”

 

“So when you say ‘gateway’, d’you mean…” Mabel began, unsure of what to ask.

 

“I built an interdimensional portal between our worlds.” Ford explained, but he didn’t sound proud of his incredible accomplishment. He sounded utterly ashamed. “I couldn’t do it on my own, of course, so I convinced McGucket to leave his work in computers to come help me. Looking back, he really would have been better off staying where he was… for a number of reasons…”

 

“Yeah, if he’d stuck with the computer stuff he might be rich now!” Dipper nodded.

 

Stanford hung his head in shame. “It’s not just that…. There was an accident, the night we first tested the portal. We were just supposed to be testing with a dummy at first, but Fiddleford’s foot got caught in the rope. He was pulled partway into the portal, and when I managed to pull him back… well, he was never quite the same after that. Afterwards he insisted that I had to destroy the portal, but I wasn’t willing to listen to him. Not after I’d spent so many years putting it together. When I wouldn’t dismantle the portal, McGucket quit.”

 

“Y’mean that’s why he’s all…” Mabel made a face, pointing her eyes in different directions, “ _ You’ll bring doom on us all! _ ”

 

Ford nodded sadly. “It’s what started him on that path.” He ran his fingers through his hair, almost as though he was trying to pull out the guilt. “It’s all my fault.

 

“It turned out he was right about the portal, but by the time I realized  _ that _ , I was in way over my head, and it was already too late to turn to Fiddleford for help. There was only one other person I felt I could trust. My brother.

 

“I needed to hide away my Journals, so that no one could learn how to operate or rebuild the portal. I’d already hidden two of them myself, and Stan seemed like the perfect candidate to take the last one. I knew he’d been traveling a lot since he’d been kicked out, so I thought it’d be easy for him to hide it far away from Gravity Falls. But when he actually arrived, things didn’t go as I’d planned.

 

“And that… is about where things start to get fuzzy.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dipper asked, confused. How could Ford forget something like this?

 

“I don’t remember much past that point. It’s honestly a miracle I remember as much as I do. All my memories of the portal were erased. I remember Stanley came, and we fought. Something terrible happened. Beyond that, nothing. But I know he must have gone through the portal.”

 

“What do you mean your memories of the portal were erased?” Mabel asked.

 

“I ran afoul of the Society of the Blind Eye.” 

 

“What’s that?” Mabel asked.

 

“I think I saw something about them in your Journal.” Dipper said, “But most of it was in a code I couldn’t read. They’re some sort of secret society in creepy robes, right?”

 

Ford nodded. “They’re more than just some secret society. They have a device that can erase memories, and they’re dedicated to removing all knowledge of the strange and bizarre things in Gravity Falls. I’d been on the run from them for weeks, and they caught me at the worst possible moment.” The old man wasn’t quite ready to tell the kids that the Blind Eye had been founded by his best friend in an attempt to forget what was on the other side of the portal. Or that the reason the Blind Eye held a grudge against him personally was because they were trying to stop the portal from being activated. “In one night I lost all the knowledge I needed to bring my brother back.  _ That’s _ why I always acted like I didn’t believe in the supernatural, and why I didn’t want you kids getting mixed up in all this. The Blind Eye will erase the memories of  _ anyone _ who they think might have knowledge of the unknown, even children like you! That’s why it’s imperative you don’t go around talking about this stuff to just anyone.”

 

“Wow.” Dipper breathed. “So you needed the Journals to save your brother.”

 

“And now that you have all three, you can bring him back!” Mabel exclaimed, glad to have finally found a bright side to this depressing tale.

 

The old man sighed. “It’s not that simple, Mabel. Activating the portal is insanely risky! I’d be putting the rest of the town, the rest of the  _ world _ in danger to save someone I’m not even certain is still alive!”

 

“But… but you’ve already done all this work to save him!” Dipper stammered. “Even if it’s risky, you’ve got to try! If it were Mabel, I’d do it for her!”

 

“Yeah, you too bro!” Mabel agreed.

 

A reluctant smile spread across their Grunkle’s face. It didn’t seem like such a difficult decision to make after talking to these two. “Sometime I think you kids are smarter than I’ll ever be.” He filled up a glass of water and took a long drink. “Well, I’d better get back to work then.”

 

“Can we come see!?” Dipper asked excitedly.

 

“Absolutely not!” The old scientist said sharply. “I just told you how dangerous this portal is!”

 

“Oh…” the boy grumbled in disappointment. “Well, can I ask one more question before you go?” 

 

“Alright, ask away my boy.”

 

“What’s Bill got to do with all this?”

 

The color drained away from Ford’s face. “If we’re lucky, I’ll never have to tell you that story.”


	22. Danger in the Bunker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone gets to be awesome.

Another rough night in the portal lab. The portal itself was running smoothly. All that was left to do was scan the multiverse for a signal that matched their own universe. Without any hints as to where Stanley could be to narrow the search, that process could take a very long time. Which gave Stanford plenty of time to think about what he was going to do when the portal inevitably destabilized. 

 

Just because he was desperate enough to endanger the universe to save his brother didn’t mean he was just going to sit back and let the apocalypse happen. Ford knew he couldn’t open a gate between dimensions in Gravity Falls without creating a rift, but the improvements he’d made to the portal weren’t completely in vain. The simulations he’d run predicted that he drastically decreased the size of the rift. Perhaps it was possible to contain it somehow?

 

It was a long-shot, to be sure. The technology to contain a tear in the fabric of space and time didn’t exist on Earth, but Ford had noticed a long time ago that a lot of the materials making up the portal were not of this world. He still couldn’t remember if these were things that Bill had taught him to build, or if they had come from somewhere else, but he  _ could _ remember a place he might have stored extra parts.

 

The only problem was the bunker had been compromised over thirty years ago. He could only hope things had changed in the last three decades.

* * *

  
  


If there was one thing better than waking up to find their Grunkle actually in the kitchen making breakfast instead of working on the portal again, Mabel had decided it was seeing her brother go full nerd-mode on him. Dipper was absolutely ecstatic for another chance to ask Ford questions. Ever since pouring out his life story, Ford had spent the past two days barely emerging from the portal lab, leaving little chance for further questions.

 

“Grunkle Ford!” Dipper exclaimed, running up to his uncle. “I have a question for you about the Gremloblin--”

 

“Is this an urgent question, Dipper?” Ford asked as he gulped down his omelette. “I’ve got something important to track down, to do with the  _ you know what _ .”

 

“Oh!” Dipper said, quickly changing gears. “It can wait. Do you need any help? I’ve wanted to go exploring with you!”

 

Ford shook his head seriously. “I’m sorry Dipper, but the dark, weird road I travel, I’m afraid you can’t follow.” He reached under the table and pulled out Journal 3. “But here, I know you’ve been wanting this back.”

 

“Th-thanks!” Dipper stammered.

 

The old man waved it off. “I won’t be needing it today anyhow.” He stood and grabbed his tan longcoat, slipping it on as he walked toward the library. “If I’m not back in time to make dinner, come looking for me.”

 

Dipper scuffed the floor glumly as he watched his uncle leave. Mabel put a comforting arm around his shoulder. 

 

“Aw, don’t take it so hard bro.” she reassured him.

 

The boy sighed and flipped open the Journal to where the ribbon marked a place. “I guess I can study this some more. Maybe some things around here will start to make more sense now that I know Grunkle Ford is really the Author.”

* * *

  
  


Mabel paced around the library, casting a hopeful glance out the screen door every few minutes. It was getting to be late afternoon, and still no sign of Ford returning. She was beginning to worry about her uncle. He’d been super-stressed ever since Bill invaded his mind, and while he was certainly happier and more hopeful since recovering all three Journals, working day-in and day-out on that portal didn’t really seem like an improvement to her. And now he’d just disappeared, giving them no clue as to where he’d gone. 

 

“Hey Mabel, are you ok?” Dipper poked his head into the room to check on her. “You’re being weirdly quiet.”

 

“Blarg!” She burst out. “I’m just so worried about Grunkle Ford! He’s out there doing who-knows-what, and he hasn’t slept in who-knows-how-long! Plus, he said if he wasn’t back by dinner to come looking for him! It’s getting late!”

 

“Mable, Ford says stuff like that all the time, remember? He just likes being over-dramatic. Kinda like you.” Dipper said. “Besides, it’s barely past 4:30. This is the Author we’re talking about! I’m sure he’s fine.”

 

“He may be the Author, but he’s still Grunkle Ford!” Mabel said insistently. “He’s been gone for hours Dipper! We’ve  _ gotta _ go looking for him!”

 

Dipper scratched his chin thoughtfully. He  _ had _ really wanted to see what Ford was up to, and going looking for him would provide an excuse to do just that. “But we don’t have any idea where he… wait…” 

 

The boy remembered something he’d seen in the Journal earlier. He pulled it out and opened up to where it had been bookmarked when Ford gave it to him. Sure enough, it was on a page marked “Hiding Places”. It depicted a diagram of the fake tree that had led Dipper to find the Journal in the first place. Whether it was consciously or not, Ford had left them a clue as to where he was going.

 

“I  _ do _ have an idea of where he went! I’m gonna throw together a search party, you get your grappling hook and whatever other adventuring supplies you can think of, and meet me outside in ten minutes.”

* * *

  
  


Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Wendy all stood around the metal tree, looking for clues as to where Stanford had gone. He didn’t appear to be anywhere in sight, and while there were a few signs of someone else coming to this spot, there was no other trail leading away. Dipper was beginning to wonder if his so-called clue had just been a coincidence. 

 

Mabel poked him knowingly, bringing him out of his thoughts.

 

“Oh-ho, bringing Wendy along on the trip? Sounds like there’s romance afoot!” She ribbed him.

 

Dipper scoffed, although he couldn’t help but blush. “No! I just--I think she’d be--she’ll be useful on the mission! Wendy’s good at this adventure-type stuff!”

 

“Hey dudes! Check out this weird branch!” Wendy called to them, pointing out a long, lever-like branch about half-way up the trunk of the fake tree. 

 

“See!” Dipper said triumphantly, although he was still bright pink, “Wendy’s a valuable member of the team!”

 

“But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a huge crush on her!” Mabel whispered under her breath as her brother walked away. 

 

Wendy scurried up the tree with ease, hitting the lever with her axe. The ground shuddered and a mysterious staircase appeared. Everyone gasped in wonder, except Wendy, who fell out of the tree with a yelp.

 

“Ok guys! This is it!” Dipper said, trying to sound serious, but unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. “Remember, Grunkle Ford hid all this stuff for a reason, so whatever we see, find, or do down there, it stays between us!”

 

Mabel gave him a thumbs up. Soos adjusted his hat seriously. Wendy zipped her mouth shut and threw away the key.

* * *

  
  


Ford had to stop to catch his breath. In hindsight, it was a pretty terrible idea to re-enter the bunker while he was running on less than eight hours of sleep for the past three days, but he’d foolishly deluded himself into thinking that the bunker  _ must _ be safe again. There was no way it could have survived on its own down here for 30 years. He should have turned around the second he saw evidence that it had gotten into his food storage, but once again he deluded himself, thinking surely it had moved on. Perhaps it had finally mellowed out and joined a nice mole-people colony. 

 

If only he hadn’t been so dead-set on securing the materials needed for that containment unit! Then he wouldn’t be in this mess!

 

His train of thought stopped abruptly at the sound of footsteps. It was making no attempts to hide its approach. Ford hated that a creature so skilled at stealth would rather play mind-games with him. That in and of itself was a mind-game.

 

Whether he had regained his breath or not, Ford had to get out of there  _ now _ . He sprinted out of his hiding place, leaving his pursuer behind. It looked like Fiddleford McGucket. Not the old man McGucket, but the young man who had first moved to Gravity Falls over 30 years ago to help his old college buddy with a personal project.

 

The shapeshifter had quickly determined this was the form that threw Ford off the most.

 

All his sprinting did him no good. The tunnel came to a dead end. Ford had no choice but to turn and face his old friend.

 

“You left me here to rot for 30 years!” The monster hissed at him. Its deep voice sounded particularly strange coming out of that body. “You tried to put me on ice!”

 

The shapeshifter had been his friend once, hadn’t it? The intelligent little creature that had hatched from the egg, it had been like having a little brother all over again. Perhaps he could reason with it.

 

“I’m sorry!” Ford said desperately. “That was never what I intended to happen!”

 

“Oh yes...” The monster’s voice changed to more closely resemble McGucket’s. “Just like you never intended what happened to  _ me _ .”

 

“I-I didn’t know!” The old scientist choked out. “Bill lied to me!”

 

“Did  _ Bill _ trick you into trapping me down here!?” The shapeshifter spat, returning to its own form.

 

“I didn’t have any choice!” Ford insisted. “You were hurting people! You’re  _ dangerous _ !”

 

The shapeshifter changed again, this time taking on the form of a young Stanford “Yes, you’re dangerous.” It agreed, mimicking his voice perfectly.

 

“I know what you’re trying. It won’t work!”

 

“That’s enough of your games. You know they won’t work on me.”

 

“Stop this, please!” He pulled out a stun-gun. “I’m warning you!”

 

“Please, stop this. You don’t want me to send you to your  _ room _ , do you?”

 

“You brought this on yourself!” But he was tired and sluggish. The other him grabbed his arm and took the weapon for himself.

 

“You brought this on yourself!” He said coldly, and pulled the trigger.

* * *

  
  


The search party had made it down to the Bunker’s living quarters, but there was still no sign of Ford other than a recently opened can of beans and an empty Smez dispenser. Soos was quick to point out the Smez dispenser could have been down there for a long time too, since he’d found a whole box of the things in a weapons cabinet.

 

Wendy had found a secret passage behind a map, which was their explanation for where Ford had gone. It led them to a crazy-intense security room where Dipper’d had to find the right symbols before they were all squished. Luckily it seemed Ford had gone back and added some annotations to the Journal since Dipper had last seen it, including how to get past this room.

 

Now they found themselves in some sort of surveillance room, with a large window overlooking some sort of underground cavern where a couple of large glass tubes stood. One of them was open, and the other was shattered. The glass lying on the floor around it looked like it had been broken from the  _ inside _ .

 

Mabel found some buttons that controlled the tubes. “Check it out! Frozen! Unfrozen! Frozen, unfrozen!”

 

“Huh, that’s weird.” Dipper said, looking over the controls. “There are controls here for three tubes, but there are only two out there.

 

“Yep, this is definitely Dr. Pines’s place.” Soos nodded as he looked around the room. “It’s full of sciency goodness!”

 

“But where is he?” Dipper wondered. He looked out the window and noticed some tunnels leading out of the chamber. “It looks like there’s a few different ways he could have gone. I don’t like to do this, but… we should split up. Mabel, Soos, you guys can take that tunnel over there…”

 

“Leaving  _ you and Wendy _ to take the tunnel over here!” Mabel finished, waggling her eyebrows at her brother.

 

“...Yes.” Dipper said through clenched teeth, trying to ignore his sister’s teasing.

 

Separating the surveillance room from the tunnels was a strange metal door.

 

“Dude, check out this old-school decontamination room!” Wendy said, opening the first door and stepping inside. “ _ I am robo-alien. What are human emotions _ ?”

 

“Whoa, decontamination room!?” Soos said apprehensively. “Shouldn’t we be wearing, I dunno, hazmat suits or something?”

 

“Pch, c’mon man, this thing is 30 plus years old, I doubt its seal works anymore.” Wendy scoffed. “If there were any dangerous chemicals or germs in there we’d be dead already.” She shut the door and pulled the chain. There was a whooshing sound, and a blaring alarm. Wendy cried out.

 

“Wendy!” Dipper called worriedly through the door, “Are you OK?”

 

“Yeah.” She groaned. “I was just wrong about this thing not working anymore, and now I’m soaked.”

 

The rest of them entered one by one, this time being careful to grab the extra lab coats hanging on the wall to protect themselves from the sanitization fluid. Soos held onto his because he felt it made him look cooler and smarter.

 

As they walked down their tunnel, Wendy ran her hand along the wall. It didn’t look man-made, and it was too smooth to be natural. “I don’t think Ford dug these.” She commented.

 

Dipper gulped. “Let’s hope we don’t run into whatever did.”

 

They had been traveling just long enough to be outside of shouting distance from Mabel and Soos when they heard a deep growling. The two of them ran down a side path as quietly as possible, hoping whatever it was would pass them by, but the growling grew louder, closer. They came around a bend to find a dead-end.

 

“What do we do?” Wendy asked with an uncharacteristic edge of panic in her voice.

 

“I dunno!” Dipper cried. 

 

They could see the silhouette of the monster on the tunnel wall now. It would be on top of them any second now. But before it could come around the bend, another silhouette, one of a man, tackled it to the ground. 

 

“Back, back you heinous beast!” The man yelled, repeatedly punching the creature into submission and finally forcing its mouth open. The fight kicked up dust obscuring the silhouettes, until the sound of struggling stopped and the man strode into view dramatically. 

 

“Welp, I just ripped out a monster’s tongue.” He said proudly.

 

“Grunkle Ford!” Dipper cried, rushing forward to hug his uncle.

 

“Dr. Pines!?” Wendy exclaimed, clearly impressed with her teacher’s fighting prowess. “Wow, no one at school is _ ever _ gonna believe this.”

 

“Children? How did you get down here?” Ford asked in surprise.

 

“Well Mabel was getting worried when you didn’t come back,” Dipper began to explain, “So we called Soos and--”

 

“Dude! Soos and Mabel!” Wendy exclaimed suddenly, “If there are more monsters down here, we’ve gotta find them and warn them!”

 

“Then there isn’t a moment to lose!” Ford said. “Which way did they go, my boy?”

 

“They took the tunnel opposite from us back at the main chamber.” Dipper said.

 

“Alright, follow me. I know a shortcut.” Ford said.

 

“So Dr. Pines, what were you even doing down here?” Wendy asked as they made their way down the tunnels.

 

“I was looking for something I’d left here, thirty years ago, when one of my old experiments got loose. A dangerous Shapeshifter, able to transform into anyone or anything.”

 

“A Shapeshifter, huh? I think I read about something like that in one of your Journals…” Dipper flipped through Journal 3. “Ah, nope, it was in a different volume.”

 

“You brought one of the Journals with you?” Ford looked at the boy in shock.

 

“Y-yeah, that’s how we got down here.” Dipper stammered, worried that his uncle’s shock meant he had done something wrong. “I found the page you marked about hiding places, and the notes you left about getting past the security.”

 

“Yeah, didn’t you leave those for us to find, just in case?” Wendy reasoned.

 

Ford’s expression relaxed. “Of course I did dear, I just thought you would have left it in the lab, where it’d be safe.”

 

Dipper facepalmed. “Uhg, I should have thought of that, sorry Grunkle Ford.”

 

“Did you just call me  _ dear _ ?” Wendy asked at the same time.

 

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to keep an eye on the Journal.” Ford said, reaching out a hand and taking it from Dipper.

 

“Oh, ok.” The boy mumbled, a little disappointed.

 

They continued on their way, but Wendy lagged behind, just out of Ford’s earshot, and grabbed Dipper by the arm. 

 

“Dipper, something’s off!” She hissed quietly. “Ford like,  _ never _ calls me ‘dear’. That’s what he calls the sweet, nice girls in class.”

 

“Yeah, sorry, he’s kinda been sleep deprived for the past week.” Dipper said sheepishly.

 

“That’s not all! Have you noticed he hasn’t used either of our names  _ at all _ since we found him down here?”

 

Dipper looked at the man walking ahead of them, and instead of the usual feeling of comfort he got around his uncle, he only felt the fear of being alone with a stranger.

 

“Uuuuh, Grunkle Ford, I was thinking.” Dipper said, trying to keep the nervous waver out of his voice. “M-maybe we should split up! You obviously know your way around down here, so why don’t you give the Journal to Wendy and me, and, uh, we’ll go looking for Mabel and Soos down this other way.”

 

The man who was most definitely not Ford froze for a second. Then he turned his head completely around, his eyes blinking vertically and his features stretching. 

 

“You’re not going anywhere!” It rumbled in a different, monstrous voice. 

 

Dipper and Wendy screamed as the Shapeshifter changed into it’s true form, a hideous creature that looked like a maggot crossed with a praying mantis and a body-builder. One of its arms ended in a slender pincer, while the other was bulgy at the top and almost like a deflated balloon at the end. It crawled onto the ceiling and looked down on them with bulging pink eyes.

 

“You! W-what did you do with the real Ford!?” Dipper asked.

 

“You’ll likely never find him.” The Shapeshifter said cruelly. “But I must thank you for bringing me one of his Journals. So many wonderous forms to take!” It proceeded to flip through the book, transforming into a different creature with each page it turned.

 

“We’ve gotta get the Journal back!” Dipper whispered to Wendy while it was distracted.

 

Wendy nodded and picked up a piece of scrap lying on the ground. “Hey body-snatcher! Snatch this!”

 

The Shapeshifter was caught off-guard, and the metal plate smacked it in the head, causing it to lose its grip on the Journal. Dipper ran underneath and caught it. The two kids booked it out of there as fast as they could. Luckily they came upon a fork in the tunnel. Dipper threw his flashlight down one path, and they hid in the shadows of the other. It worked like a charm. The monster followed the light.

 

Dipper and Wendy continued down the path, now without a flashlight. And yet, they could see a dull glow further down the tunnel. They crept forward cautiously, and the tunnel opened up into another small chamber. The source of the glow was another tube, like the ones in the main chamber back by the lab. Curled up at the bottom of the tube was Grunkle Ford!

 

“Dr. Pines!” Wendy called to him. “Stand back man, and cover your face!”

 

The old scientist backed up against the opposite wall of the tube, took his coat off, and draped it over his head to better protect his exposed skin. Wendy wound up her axe and struck the tube with the blunt end, using it like a club to break the glass. It shattered, opening up a hole big enough for Ford to climb through. But instead he stayed exactly where he was, eyeing his two rescuers cautiously. He carefully picked up a large shard of glass to use as a weapon.

 

“How do I know neither of you are the Shapeshifter?” He asked. “How do I know this isn’t another one of your mind games!?”

 

“Grunkle Ford, it’s us!” Dipper tried to assure him, but Wendy put a hand on his shoulder.

 

“One time during lab I freaked you out by pretending to drink hydrochloric acid.” Wendy said, then nudged Dipper to do similar.

 

“You gave me this hat because a goat ate the old one.” the boy said.

 

Ford’s stance immediately relaxed with relief. He laid his coat down over the broken glass and carefully climbed out. “Dipper, Wendy! It’s you! Oh, I’m so glad it’s you…” He hugged them both tightly.

 

“We found the hints you left in the Journal about this place.” Dipper said, hugging back. “Why didn’t you just tell us?”

 

“You would have just followed me straight down here.” Ford replied. “If I hid it, you wouldn’t find it unless you had to look.”

 

“Guys, c’mon, we still need to find Soos and Mabel and get the heck out of here.” Wendy reminded them.

 

“That’s not all.” Ford said gravely. “We need to contain that Shapeshifter. If it gets to the surface…”

 

“We could never trust anyone or anything ever again!” Dipper finished with a gulp.

* * *

  
  


Mabel and Soos hadn’t had much luck looking for Ford. All they’d come across was an old discarded clipboard with some writing about an unstable experiment called “The Shapeshifter” and a sciency briefcase that Soos had picked up to add to his lab coat aesthetic. Their luck changed, however, when they heard footsteps echoing down the tunnel. The two friends hurried forward and found Dipper and Wendy sneaking down the path, with a battered-looking Ford in tow.

 

“Guys! You found Grunkle Ford!” Mabel called to them happily.

 

Dipper looked pretty happy to see her at first, but then his expression changed to one of caution. “Wait, how do we know they’re not the Shapeshifter?”

 

“Woah. Maybe I am!” Soos said thoughtfully. “Mabel, inspect my shape!”

 

“Poke.” Mabel poked Soos in the belly.

 

“Hahahah, do it again!”

 

“Poke!”

 

“Hahah, even better the second time!”

 

“It’s them.” Wendy said confidently.

 

“For future reference, Dipper, the Shapeshifter can be anything, but it can’t split itself into multiple bodies.” Ford said, “They’d have to be connected somehow if they were both the Shapeshifter.”

 

“Wait, so there really is a Shapeshifter?” Mabel asked. “And it’s on the loose? What do we do?”

 

“We’d have to lure him back to the cryotubes back by the lab.” Ford said. “It’s the only thing that can contain it long term. Anything else it can slip through or break down. It got out of a cage of solid steel once!

 

“The tricky part will be luring it back there. It  _ knows _ that’s the only chance we have of containing it, so it won’t be in any hurry to follow us in that direction.”

 

Wendy looked around and noticed a water main that she’d noticed running through a lot of the tunnels down here. “I think I have an idea.” She said slyly.

* * *

  
  


Ford had been adamant that he was the only one who was allowed to be bait. For one, he reasoned, the Shapeshifter held a grudge against Ford, not any of the others, so it would be more likely to ignore any signs of a trap in favor of another chance of revenge. And for second, there was absolutely no way he would let the others endanger themselves like that. Dipper pointed out that it was just as dangerous for Ford, if not more so, but the old teacher reminded them who was responsible for them all, even Soos, who was technically an adult.

 

And so Ford found himself standing in a chamber that acted as a sort of hub for most of the main tunnels, hoping to find some sign of the Shapeshifter. He didn’t have to wait long.

 

“My boy, I must speak with you!” He heard his own voice echo down one of the tunnels, although it was dripping with an unfamiliar, malicious threat.

 

“Leave him alone!” Ford yelled back at it. “Your quarrel is with me, those kids have nothing to do with this!”

 

The Shapeshifter rushed into the chamber, now in the form of a giant subterranean manupiitaur. Its single eye narrowed in disgust.

 

“So they let  _ you _ out.” It growled. “Worried about those kids, eh? You know, that boy was awfully eager to please you.” It changed into Dipper. 

 

“Grunkle Ford, I read your Journal! I saw the notes you left me!” Its imitation of Dipper wasn’t very good, but the action still set Ford’s teeth on edge. 

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Oh, and the girl! She’s a sharp one!” The Shapeshifter said, warping into Wendy. “I’m not gonna fall for your dumb tricks!”

 

“I said  _ stop _ it!”

 

“Well if I can’t be either of them, I’ll have to be  _ both! _ ” With a ripple, the Shapeshifter changed into a terrifying amalgam of Wendy and Dipper, with dead white eyes and a huge, toothy mouth. It gave chase.

 

Bingo.

 

Ford ran back towards the main water valve, where the kids and Soos were waiting to let loose a torrent of water that would wash the Shapeshifter right back to the cryotubes.

 

“Start turning! Now!” Ford yelled.

 

The four of them began tugging on the valve, but it had remained untouched for the past thirty years, and even with them all working together, it only moved a few inches, letting out a small stream of water instead of the blast they’d been hoping for.

 

The Shapeshifter came scuttling around the corner, fury in its many eyes. It shot out a long, sticky tongue like a frog, and wrapped the gross appendage around Ford’s leg. 

 

“Hey!” Wendy lunged forward with her axe, “Let go!” She swung the blade down hard on the monster’s tongue. It let go with a scream, but shot forward another tentacle, wrapping around her waist.

 

Unluckily, this just so happened to be the time that Soos got some more purchase on the valve, finally turning wide open. Tens of gallons of water gushed out in seconds, flooding the chamber and washing the Shapeshifter, Wendy, and Ford away.

 

As soon as the water drained away, Dipper raced down the passage, calling Ford and Wendy’s names, his voice echoing off the walls. Not far from the cryotubes, he found Wendy, lying prone on the floor. 

 

“Oh no!” Dipper cried, “No no no no! Wendy! Can you hear me? Oh, please be ok, please be ok…”

 

“Dipper, step away!” The boy turned around to find what appeared to be Ford, getting up from where he’d washed against the wall of the chamber. “Don’t touch her, we don’t know if that’s really Wendy!”

 

“H-how do I know you’re really Ford?”

 

“We have a standing tradition of playing DDMD once a week, but… but we missed this week because--” Ford began, but he stopped in surprise when Wendy shot up and attacked him. It was the Shapeshifter!

 

“I’ll put  _ you _ on ice, you single-formed, decrepit, weakling!” She hissed, trying to push him back into the awaiting cryotube. “But first maybe I’ll kill your little one and make you watch!”

 

“No!” Ford screamed, and with renewed strength he punched the fake Wendy straight in the jaw, followed by a knee to the gut. The Shapeshifter was thrown back against the wall. It staggered back up and glared daggers at him, about to change when it was struck in the gut with an axe.

 

“That’s what you get for messing with my favorite teacher!” Wendy said shakily, looking down on her handiwork. “Heh, Dr. Pines, that was awesome. It more than makes up for it not being you that tore out a monster’s tongue.”

 

“I’m your favorite?” Ford asked with a small, surprised smile.

 

“Well, yeah, it’s not like you’ve got a lot of comp--”

 

The Shapeshifter recovered from its wound far faster than any of them had expected, and it launched itself at Wendy. The two of them struggled, dropping the axe in the process. Dipper rushed forward and grabbed it, but he wasn’t sure what to do next.

 

“Hit her with the axe!” Wendy cried.

 

“Don’t listen to her Dipper!” Wendy yelled.

 

“She’s the Shapeshifter!” Wendy protested.

 

“Uh… uh… I don’t know who’s who!” Dipper stammered desperately. He turned to Ford for help.

 

“Wendy, you need to tell us something to prove it’s you!” Ford instructed.

 

“I’m kinda in the middle of a fight right now!” She said exasperatedly.

 

“I haven’t got time for an interrogation, old man!” She groaned.

 

Both of the fighting girls looked Dipper in the eye. One of them smiled and winked. The other zipped her lip and threw away the key. The boy nodded to show he understood and swung the axe, burying the blade deep into the Shapeshifter’s side. With an unearthly shriek, it changed back into it’s true form.

 

“Now!” Ford yelled, and they pushed the creature back into the cryotube. Back inside the lab, Mabel and Soos were ready and waiting at the controls. 

 

“Frozen!” Mabel said with a triumphant grin as she pushed the button.

 

The Shapeshifter banged against the glass, shifting from form to form, trying everything it could to break free, but it was too late. The quickly dropping temperatures were sapping its strength and slowing its transformations.

 

“You all think you’re so clever, but even you can’t stop what’s coming!” The Shapeshifter said acidly, and it fixed its eyes on Ford. “You can’t contain it! Nothing can! If you continue down this path you’ll bring about the end of the universe! And this will be the last form you ever take!”

 

With the last of its strength, it transformed into Ford, standing with his hands held up, his fingers curled, and his mouth opened in a silent scream.

 

They all stood there in silence for a moment before they noticed Soos and Mabel had joined them.

 

“Heh, good luck sleepin’ tonight!” Soos chuckled.

* * *

  
  


They all climbed the stairs and made their way back home. Ford had a bag of strange parts and the glass from the broken cryotubes slung over his shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry you all got involved in that.” He said sheepishly. “That being said, I’m really impressed with how you all handled yourselves down there! Dipper and Wendy especially, the way you handled the situation with the Shapeshifter was brilliant!”

 

“Wow, thanks Grunkle Ford!” Dipper said, grinning and blushing.

 

“Just don’t ever mention me fighting myself at school.” Wendy said. “I don’t want people making it into some sort of weird joke.”

 

“I won’t if you don’t tell anyone at school I’ve got a secret bunker in the woods.” Ford replied with a teasing smirk.

 

“Ah come on man, why’ve you gotta take the fun out of this?” Wendy smirked back.

 

“And Mabel,” Ford continued, “from what I’ve heard, they might not have gotten to me in time if it weren’t for you worrying about me.”

 

“Just looking out for my family!” Mabel said with a bright smile.

 

By the time they got home, the sun was setting. As everyone else went inside, Mabel and Soos paused on the porch.

 

“Aw nuts!” The girl suddenly exclaimed.

 

“What’s up Hambone?” Soos asked.

 

“I didn’t get a chance to make Dipper confront his feelings about Wendy!”

 

“Eh, it’s probably for the best. I think Wendy’s had enough awkwardness for the day.”


	23. Fun with Puppets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dipper makes some poor choices and a jerk takes advantage of him.

After all that insanity earlier in the month, the Pines family was taking a well-deserved, much needed break. They’d gone to the pool, the minigolf course, the movies, anything Mabel could think of to help everyone relax. Ford had even re-established a regular sleeping pattern, and now he and Dipper were back to their regularly scheduled Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons game. 

 

“My rogue-knight swings his sword in an arc,” Dipper said. His character was in the middle of a battle, “And with the enchantment bonus, it does double damage to any opponent within a three-square radius!” He rolled the dice. “27! Yes!”

 

“Well, that’s the end of the Pirate Queen!” Ford declared. “Great job using the thief's amulet to steal the enchanted sword from her!”

 

They both began to put away the game for the night. Dipper used the lull in conversation to posse a question that had been on his mind lately. “So, Grunkle Ford, there’s a lot of writing about Bill in your Journals…”

 

“Dipper, it’s best if you stay away from that subject.” Ford said gravely, his good mood leaving in an instant.

 

“But I can handle it!” The boy insisted. “After everything that I’ve done this summer, you have to know that!”

 

“It’s not that I don’t think you can handle it.” The old man assured his nephew. It was because he didn’t want Dipper to think less of him. “It’s because that kind of knowledge is dangerous.”

 

“Just like knowledge about the portal is dangerous?” Dipper asked, still miffed that he couldn’t go down and see what his uncle was working on.

 

“Exactly.” Ford said. “I know not knowing is hard for you Dipper, believe me, but it’s for your own protection. Terrible things can happen when you’re too desperate for answers.”

 

Dipper sighed. “OK.” Maybe Ford wouldn’t tell him, but there were other ways to learn than straight from his uncle’s mouth.

* * *

  
  


“Hey Soos, what was in that cool briefcase you brought back from the bunker?” Dipper asked his friend the next day, acting casual.

 

“Heh, funny thing about that!” Soos laughed. “It wasn’t a briefcase at all! It’s some super-old laptop!”

 

Dipper’s face lit up. That was perfect! There would be tons of information on there, most likely about the portal, and maybe even about Bill! “Awesome! Did you find any interesting files?”

 

“I dunno dude, the thing’s password protected.” The young mechanic said, “I already tried ‘Password’, ‘Fixinit1’ through ‘Fixinit9, and even ‘Sordfish’ without the ‘W’. It didn’t fit otherwise. After that I gave up.”

 

“Uh, you know, I’m pretty good with codes and stuff. Maybe I could figure it out.” The boy offered.

 

“Knock yourself out, dude.” Soos handed over the laptop. “Hey, I bet you could get some help from Dr. Pines. He’s good at that code stuff too!”

 

Dipper grimaced. “Uh, nah, he’s got a lot on his plate right now. I don’t wanna bother him.” Not to mention if Ford knew Dipper had this, he’d most likely flip out.

* * *

  
  


Ford awoke with a start from his nap, the echos of Bill’s laughter still bouncing around in his head. He’d been trying to get more sleep lately, as per Mabel’s instructions, but it was hard when almost every time he fell asleep he saw Bill taunting him. 

 

_ “KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, IQ!” The triangle had cackled. “YOU’LL BE ABLE TO BRING YOUR BROTHER HOME JUST IN TIME FOR MY ENDLESS REIGN OF CHAOS AND MADNESS!” _

 

Stanford shuddered. His nightmares of Bill had become much more frequent ever since Gideon sent the demon after the old man. Even before that, Ford remembered a handful of dreams the previous week, almost as if something had broken the wards around the house. He’d have to check on those. He’d never forgive himself if Bill did something to the kids.

 

Speaking of the kids, they still weren’t back from their trip to the library. Dipper had dragged Mabel and a suspicious looking shoe box off earlier.

 

“It’s just, uh, y’know, normal research stuff. Nothing to wonder about.” The boy had brushed his uncle off when Ford asked what he had.

 

Stanford got the impression that Dipper was avoiding him. The kid was probably still upset that Ford wouldn’t answer any more questions about the Portal or Bill. He knew he’d feel the same way in Dipper’s place, but, he kept telling himself, it really was for the best.

 

Or at least he hoped it was.

* * *

  
  


When the kids came home from the library, Mabel was already in the midst of planning her latest over-the-top project. She was dead-set on creating an amazing puppet show to impress her latest crush, Gabe. Dipper, Soos, Wendy, and even Waddles had been roped into helping. Ford walked into the livingroom to find them all singing.

 

“Ah, this isn’t something I need to worry about, is it?” he asked, not quite sure what was happening.

 

“You’ve just gotta roll with Mabel’s craziness, Dr. Pines.” Wendy said, “It’s what makes life worth living.”

 

The old scientist noticed Dipper pointedly avoiding eye contact with him. Oh great, was the boy  _ mad _ at him now?

 

“Dipper, are you alright?” Ford asked.

 

The boy jumped in his seat. “Oh, no, yeah, I’m fine! Just helping Mabel, not thinking about anything else, nope! Heheh, everything’s normal!”

 

Yes, that wasn’t suspicious at all. Still, it wasn’t like he could  _ force _ Dipper to talk. Well, technically he  _ could _ , but Ford didn’t want to do something unethical like that to his own nephew.

* * *

  
  


Dipper wasn’t quite sure what time it was. Well past midnight, for sure, but he just couldn’t go to sleep until he figured out the password to the laptop! It was infuriating to be this close to all the answers, and yet unable to actually learn them. Just like it was infuriating that Ford obviously had most of, if not all of these answers and yet was unwilling to tell Dipper any more.

 

Ford had become more than a distant relative or summer caretaker to Dipper; he’d become a close friend. Which was why it hurt to think the old man was keeping secrets from him. What’s worse, Ford’s excuse was always “It’s too dangerous”, which Dipper knew was adult code for “You’re just a kid, you wouldn’t understand.” He hated it when adults wouldn’t take him seriously. 

 

These were the thoughts running through Dipper’s mind as he absently tried password after password. With every failed entry there was an annoying buzz from the computer.

 

“Uhg, I can’t take that sound anymore.” Dipper groaned. “I.”  _ buzz, _ “Hate.”  _ buzz, _ “You.”  _ buzz, _ “Sound!”  _ buzz. _ “Uhg, there’s gotta be some sort of clue, or hint, or  _ something _ I’m missing!”

 

Suddenly the wind picked up, and Dipper felt a chill run down his spine. A long, skinny shadow rolled down the face of the full moon, until it looked like a cat’s eye. Dipper stood with surprise as great yellow bricks seemed to materialize out of nowhere, forming a pyramid shape around the moon. With a brief flash, the world turned greyscale, and Bill Cipher floated before him.

 

“Aaauh!” Dipper screamed. “You again!”

 

“DID YOU MISS ME?” Bill asked smugly. “ADMIT IT, YOU MISSED ME!”

 

“Hardly! You worked for Gideon and tried to destroy my uncle’s mind!” The boy spat.

 

“HAH, IT WAS JUST A JOB, KID!”

 

Dipper didn’t look convinced.

 

“OK, SO MAYBE IT WAS A _ LITTLE _ PERSONAL, BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME AFTER WHAT THAT GUY COST ME?”

 

“W-what do you mean?” Dipper asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

 

“OH, WHAT AM I THINKING, OF COURSE OL’ SIXER HASN’T TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT! HE HASN’T TOLD YOU **ANYTHING** ABOUT ME!”

 

“How’d you know that?” 

 

“WELL, I’VE BEEN KEEPING AN  **EYE ON YOU** SINCE OUR LAST ENCOUNTER, AND I MUST SAY, I’M IMPRESSED!”

 

“Really?” Dipper couldn’t help but be flattered, even if it was a dangerous dream demon who was saying it. He’d always done his best to impress people. But he couldn’t fall for Bill’s tricks! “My uncle told me you’re dangerous.”

 

“OF COURSE  _ HE’D _ SAY THAT. WE DIDN’T EXACTLY PART ON THE BEST OF TERMS.”

 

The boy stared at the triangle, realization dawning over him. He shouldn’t, but… this might be his only chance to find out. “What  _ is  _ your history with Ford, anyway?”

 

“OH-HO-HO, YOU WANNA HEAR  _ MY _ SIDE OF THE STORY, EH?” Bill laughed. “YOU’D NEVER GUESS IT, BUT FORDSY AND I USED TO WORK TOGETHER. HECK, I EVEN USED TO BE HIS FRIEND! I HELPED HIM WITH A LOT OF HIS RESEARCH, AND I COULD HELP YOU.” The triangle’s eye started the glow blue, and blue flames appeared in its hand. “I ONLY ASK FOR A SMALL  **FAVOR** IN RETURN.”

 

Dipper looked down at the hand skeptically. “If you’re such a great guy, why do I have to do you a favor before you’ll help me?”

 

“THAT’S HOW MAGIC WORKS, KID! YOU CAN’T GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.” Bill clapped his hands and a frog with its organs on the outside appeared. “LIKE THAT! I HAD TO KILL LIKE, EIGHT SQUIRRELS TO DO THAT!”

 

Dipper jumped back with a yelp as the frog let out a pitiful, gurgling croak and hopped towards him. Bill clapped again and it disappeared in a spiral of slime and organs.

 

“I’d never make a deal with you!” Dipper said defiantly. “Don’t forget who defeated you last time!”

 

Bill snorted. “ _ SNRCH _ , RIGHT, YOU ‘DEFEATED’ ME. WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,” the demon reached into Dipper’s head and pulled out a ghostly image of his brain. “I’LL BE RIGHT HERE, READY TO MAKE A _ DEAL _ !

 

“HEY WANNA HEAR MY IMPRESSION OF YOU IN TWO SECONDS? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

 

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Dipper awoke with a start, screaming. He’d spent the entire night up on the roof. Great.

* * *

  
  


Ford got up to make breakfast, only to find Mabel already busy at work in the kitchen. She’d pulled out three different fruit-punch mixes, a bottle of Pitt Cola, a packet of Smile Dip, chocolate syrup, powdered sugar, a jar of glitter, and several small toys. Ford was dubious of how good those ingredients would taste together, and he was pretty sure those last two things weren’t even edible, but Mabel had poured them all into a pitcher and was stirring away, humming one of the songs from her strange musical all the while.

 

“Morning Grunkle Ford!” She greeted him cheerfully as he entered.

 

“Good morning.” He replied sleepily. It had been another restless night. “What are you doing?”

 

“Making Mabel Juice! It’s my own secret recipe.Guaranteed to energize even the sleepiest of sleepy-heads!”

 

Ford didn’t doubt it. That much sugar and caffeine could probably keep a normal person up for days.

 

“You wanna try some?” Mabel offered.

 

Stanford knew he probably shouldn’t. It was liable to give him a heart-attack several years too early. But he couldn’t say no to that face. 

 

“I suppose I’ll give it a shot.”

 

Mabel poured him a glass. Ford watched the glitter and dinosaurs swirl around before taking a quick gulp, trying his best not to swallow too much glitter. It was sweeter than sugar frosted marshmallows, and the glitter scratched his throat as it went down. Almost as soon as it hit his stomach, he could feel his heart-rate increase. Nervous energy surged through his body; he could feel his left eye and his fingers twitching. Also, he might be hallucinating.

 

“I think I can see ultraviolet light now.” Ford said, setting the glass down with a shaking hand. 

 

“So you like it?”

 

“Uuhhhh…” Ford stammered, “Well, I certainly would have drunk this by the gallon back in my college days.”

 

Thankfully Ford was spared from elaborating when Dipper entered the kitchen. The boy looked terrible, with dark bags under his eyes, slouching, tired posture, and a frantic glint in his eyes. He looked about like Ford had just last week.

 

“Are you alright?” The old man asked in concern.

 

“Dipper, I told you to get some sleep last night!” Mabel admonished her brother. “Here, wake up with some Mabel-Juice! It’s got plastic dinosaurs in it~”

 

“No, I’m good, really.” Dipper said with a huge yawn that said otherwise. He then grabbed Mabel and pulled her into the next room.

 

Ford watched them go with a frown. Something was definitely up with Dipper. Was this all because he was still upset with his uncle over a few secrets that couldn’t, _ shouldn’t _ be shared? Whatever it was, it was obviously affecting Dipper’s sleep schedule, so Ford would have to do something about that. But what?

* * *

  
  


“Mabel, I had a dream about Bill last night!”

 

“Wait, you mean the triangle guy?” Mabel asked, making a triangle with her fingers around her eyes for emphasis. 

 

“Yeah, he said he’d give me the password for the laptop if I gave _ him _ something!” Dipper said.

 

“Omigosh Dipper, you have to tell Grunkle Ford!”

 

“No!” the boy insisted. “If I tell him about Bill, I have to tell him about the laptop, and he’ll take it away and I’ll lose my chance to learn all the stuff about the portal he’s not telling us! It’s not like I’d actually trust Bill, right? And he’s stuck in the mindscape, so he can’t actually do anything to me but show up in my dreams. I’ve got it under control.”

 

“Ok, if you’re sure…” Mabel said uncertainly. “But hey, on the bright side, today I can help you with the laptop! I just gotta hand off my puppet show to the production crew!”

* * *

  
  


Dipper was in a state of panic. Apparently 1000 was the maximum number of incorrect passwords the laptop would allow, and now it was threatening to clear the hard-drive! He was going to lose all that information before he even got a chance to see it!

 

Suddenly, the world around Dipper drained of color. Bill appeared with a flash of light in the triangular part of the window.

 

“WELL WELL WELL, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S GETTING DESPERATE!”

 

“I told you to leave me alone!” Dipper groaned.

 

“JUST TRYING TO HELP KID! BUT IF YOU WANNA DRIVE ME AWAY LIKE YOUR UNCLE DID, YOU HAVE FUN TRYING TO RESTORE THAT HARD-DRIVE BY YOURSELF.”

 

The boy sighed in irritation. “Uhg, what crazy thing do you want anyway? My soul? My teeth? Are you gonna turn my body inside-out?”

 

“YEESH KID, RELAX! ALL I WANT IS A PUPPET!”

 

Dipper looked at the floating triangle skeptically. “A puppet? Seriously?”

 

“SURE! EVERYONE LOVES PUPPETS! AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE GOT A SURPLUS!”

 

“Yeah, but…” Dipper looked at the boxes of puppets around and thought of all the time his sister and his friends put into making them. “Everyone worked really hard on these.”

 

“BUT WHAT’S ONE PUPPET COMPARED TO UNLOCKING ALL THE SECRETS YOU’VE BEEN SEEKING ALL THIS TIME? HECK, I’LL EVEN THROW IN THE STORY OF HOW I USED TO WORK WITH OL’ SIX-FINGERS.”

 

“But… they’re Mabel’s.” The boy stammered, “They’re not mine to give.”

 

“OH COME ON PINE TREE,” Bill rolled his eye. “YOU’VE GOTTA ADMIT, SHE OWES YOU. THINK OF ALL THE TIMES YOU’VE SACRIFICED FOR HER, AND WHEN HAS SHE EVER RETURNED THE FAVOR?”

 

Dipper rubbed his eyes. He was so tired, it was hard to think. He knew this was a bad idea but… he just wanted that password! He’d worked so hard to get it, he couldn’t lose it all now. What harm could Bill do with a measly little puppet anyway? Mabel probably wouldn't even notice.

 

“TICK TOCK, KID!” Bill said impatiently, sticking out a hand to shake. It was alight with blue flames.

 

“Fine!” Dipper finally said, grabbing the fiery hand. “What puppet do you want?”

 

“I THINK I’LL TAKE…  **YOU** !” 

 

Suddenly, Dipper felt a pulling sensation. Not a physical one, more like the pulling, dropping feeling of when he looked over the edge of a very high place. And it was pulling him straight out of his body! Before he knew what was happening, Dipper was floating, and looking down on his own body, sitting in front of the window. What was happening? Was he dead!?

 

No, his body below him stood, but when it opened its eyes, Dipper could see something was very wrong. They were sickly yellow, with slitted pupils. Bill’s eyes.

 

“YOU SHOULDA LISTENED TO YOUR UNCLE, KID!” Bill cackled with a sinister grin. “YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I WORKED WITH HIM? I USED HIM AS A PUPPET, JUST LIKE I’M GONNA USE YOU!” With that, Bill grabbed the laptop and threw it to the ground, then proceeded to stomp on it, crushing the casing and spewing wires and bits of microchips everywhere.

* * *

  
  


Mabel was in a rush to get to the grand opening of her Sock Opera, but she needed to do one thing before they left. Something she’d been putting off, because she knew it would bother Dipper. Oh well, he’d get over it.

 

She found her brother banging around in the kitchen, apparently making quite the mess.

 

“HeyDipperIborrowedoneoftheJournalstouseasapropintheshowIalreadyaskedFordandhesaidit’sOKI’musingyoursIhopeyoudon’tmindI’mgonnaleavebeforeyouprocessthissentencebyyyyyyeee!”

 

“SURE THING, SISTER!” Dipper said with a huge grin.

 

Well, that wasn’t the reaction she’d been expecting.

 

“Oh… good!” She said with relief. “I’m glad you’re OK with it too. I  _ maaaaay _ have given Grunkle Ford too much Mabel-Juice in order to convince him.”

 

“Mabel, we need to leave now if you want to make it there in time to set up!” Ford called from the front room. They could hear his footsteps approaching.

 

“OH GREAT, HERE COMES THE FUN POLICE.” Dipper said sarcastically. “HEY, I JUST REMEMBERED I GOTTA GO EVACUATE MY BOWELS OF FOOD WASTE OR SOME OTHER HUMAN THING. SEE YA AT THE SHOW!” He dashed out of the kitchen.

 

Ford entered just a few seconds later. “There you are. Where’s Dipper, we need to go!”

 

“He said he had to go to the bathroom as soon as he heard you coming.” Mabel explained.

 

The old scientist sighed. “I think he’s mad at me. He’s been avoiding me for the past few days.”

 

“What? Dipper’s not mad at you!” Mabel scoffed. “You’re like his favorite person in Gravity Falls! He’s just… oh, well, I promised him I wouldn’t tell you, but he says he’s got it under control.” Mabel could practically hear Dipper yelling in her head for almost spilling his secret.

 

Ford sighed with irritation. “When we get back from the show, we’re all going to have a long talk. But for now, we’re running late. Dipper will have to ride over with Soos and Wendy.”

* * *

  
  


Soos and Wendy shared a freaked out look over the top of their youngest friend’s head. Dipper had been acting really weird this afternoon. He’d been giggling and talking to himself the whole way to the theater. They had quietly agreed to force the poor boy into bed to get some much-needed rest as soon as the show was over.

 

“HEY SOOS, WANNA KNOW THE EXACT TIME AND DATE OF YOUR DEATH?” Dipper asked as they entered the theater.

 

“Uh, heh, OK!” Soos said with an awkward laugh.

 

“Hey, there’s Dr. Pines!” Wendy cut them off. “It looks like he’s saving us some seats near the front.”

 

She and Soos made their way towards their teacher, but Dipper turned the other way.

 

“Hey Dipper, aren’t you gonna come sit with us?” Wendy asked.

 

“NO CAN DO, TOOTS! I’M GONNA GO HELP MABEL OUT WITH THE SHOW.” Dipper said with a too-wide grin. He slinked off to the stage, pointedly looking away from Ford.

 

Wendy and Soos merely shrugged, and made their way down to their seats. Not long after taking their seats, Mabel came by to see them.

 

“Hey, you made it!” She said cheerfully.

 

“I wouldn’t miss it!” Ford assured her.

 

“Yeah, this seems like it’ll be fun.” Wendy agreed.

 

“I love musicals!” Soos agreed.

 

“Where’s Dip?” the girl asked.

 

“He said he’d be helping you with the play.” Ford explained. That was odd, that he hadn’t talked with her about helping. The two of them were usually quite good at communicating. 

 

“Oh well, I must have missed him backstage.” Mabel shrugged.

* * *

  
  


Mabel had located the Journal while Dipper handled the last half of the play. She was looking through the book to find something to help Dipper get his body back when something started pulling the cake prop back up. She looked up to find Bill standing over her, parading around in her brother’s body. 

 

“Bill Dipper!” She exclaimed, “Bipper!”

 

“SHH!” Bipper shushed her. “Y’DON’T WANNA RUIN THE SHOW…” He let loose a little slack in the rope. “WOOPS! IT’S SLIPPING! HOW’S ABOUT YOU HAND OVER THAT BOOK?”

 

“No way, this is Grunkle Ford’s, I’d never give it away!” She said defiantly.

 

“OH, SURE, KEEP IT SAFE FOR THE GUY WHO CLEARLY FAVORS YOUR BROTHER!” Bipper laughed quietly. “ISN’T THAT WHY YOU TAKE HIS THINGS AND DITCH HIM WHEN HE NEEDS YOU? ‘CUZ YOU’RE JEALOUS?” His face contorted into a vicious scowl. “NOW COME TO YOUR SENSES AND GIVE ME THAT JOURNAL, OR I’LL RUIN YOUR PRECIOUS PLAY.”

 

Mabel sighed, and started to hand over the Journal in defeat.

 

“THERE WE GO!” Bipper smirked in triumph. “I MEAN, WHO’D EVER SACRIFICE EVERYTHING THEY’VE WORKED FOR FOR THEIR DUMB RELATIVES?”

 

Mabel paused, her hands still gripping the Journal. She knew a guy. “Dipper would!” And with that, she yanked away the book, dragging Bipper with it. He tumbled into the cake prop and the whole thing came crashing down onto the stage. It was a good thing Dipper was incorporeal at the time, or he would have been crushed. 

* * *

  
  


Ford was enjoying the play, although the plot was a little hard to follow. He smiled when the voices obviously changed after the intermission. It sounded like Dipper really was helping after all. Maybe the reason Dipper had been acting strange was because he was busy and tired helping out with the show. Maybe he was just being overly paranoid, and there was nothing to worry about.

 

Then a cardboard wedding cake came crashing down on top of the stage. Mabel and Dipper tumbled out, fighting over one of his Journals.

 

“Get out of my brother’s body, you evil triangle!” Mabel cried.

 

Nope, unbridled paranoia wins again. Ford immediately sprung out of his chair, climbing over the people in the row in front of him to get to the stage. In a matter of seconds he was up on the stage and tackled Bipper to the ground. 

 

“OHOHOHO, WAY TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A RESPONSIBLE CARETAKER BRAINIAC, TACKLING A KID! I’M SURE THE AUTHORITIES WON’T COME AFTER YOU FOR THAT!” Bipper mocked.

 

“Cipher,” Ford growled, “you get out of him this instant, or I’ll--”

 

“OR YOU’LL  _ WHAT _ , GENIUS?” the demon asked with a cruel grin. “I’M A BEING OF PURE ENERGY, WITH NO WEAKNESSES! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”

 

“Maybe,” Mabel interrupted, “but you’re in my _ brother’s _ body, and I know all of _ his  _ weaknesses!” She immediately reached under his armpits and began wiggling her fingers. “Tickle monster!”

 

“AUGH!” Bipper exclaimed, writhing under her assault, “BODY SPASMS! WHAT IS THIS!?”

 

Ford picked up on what she was doing immediately and joined in, going for the possessed boy’s stomach.

 

“AHAHAAAAAH! NO FAIR, HE’S GOT EXTRA APPENDAGES TO TORTURE WITH!”

 

Mabel looked up at her uncle. “Thanks for the help Grunkle Ford, now let him up!”

 

“Mabel, are you crazy!?” The old man stared at her.

 

“Trust me!” she insisted, looking up at him with those eyes that he just couldn’t say no to. He carefully stepped back from Bipper’s struggling form.

 

Mabel held the Journal out like bait, and Bill chased after it, but Mabel was faster than her brother even on a good day. With Dipper’s body in the condition it was now, he could barely stagger after her. After just a single lap around the stage, the possessed boy tripped over his own feet and collapsed to the ground in an exhausted heap. He didn’t stir for a few seconds. Mabel and Ford crept over to check on him cautiously. Slowly, the boy sat up.

 

“Yes! I’m in my own body again!” Dipper cheered. “Ow, hey, Grunkle Ford, what’re you--” The boy protested as Ford grabbed his head and checked his eyes carefully. Not a trace of yellow. 

 

“Oh thank goodness!” The old man whispered, pulling his nephew into a tight hug.

 

His celebrating was interrupted by the sound of Bill’s laughter. The demon had possessed one the puppets (the one that looked like Dipper, appropriately enough) and was crawling towards them. Ford pushed both of the kids behind him protectively.

 

“THIS ISN’T THE LAST YOU’LL HEAR OF ME!” Bill threatened, “BIG THINGS ARE COMING! YOU CAN’T CONTAIN IT!”

 

Ford paled. Bill was talking about his plans to seal the rift, he knew it. 

 

“I’m sorry Gabe.” Mabel muttered, pressing a button and launching off all the fireworks in the box Bill had been laying on, blowing the demon’s vessel up. Rockets fired through the air, narrowly missing several members of the audience and not quite missing several more. When the smoke cleared the entire set was in flames and the scaffolding had crashed down behind them.

 

“Don’t worry guys,” Mabel reassured them, “I’ve seen enough movies to know this is the part  where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and  _ loves _ it!”

* * *

  
  


The audience didn’t love it. Several people demanded refunds, despite the fact that Mabel hadn’t charged for tickets. Gabe in particular had called it a mockery of his art form, but considering he then proceeded to make out with his own puppets, everyone agreed this was for the best. Dipper was in poor condition, so Ford took him to the hospital. There, Mabel apologized for worrying more about impressing some random guy than helping her own brother, Dipper apologized to Ford for keeping the laptop a secret, and Ford apologized for not taking action as soon as he noticed Dipper was acting oddly. (And also for dislocating Dipper’s wrist when he tackled Bipper to the ground) 

 

“I should have taken steps to protect you both from Bill as soon as he returned to my dreams.” Ford said, his head hung in shame. “But I’d thought, since it was Gideon who’d summoned him, he would have left with the brat too. I’m such an idiot! Now he’s hurt both of you, and it’s all my fault!”

 

“It’s not your fault Grunkle Ford.” Dipper reassured him. “I’m the one who wanted answers so badly that I made a deal with him, even after everything he’d done and everything you’d said about him.”

 

Ford gave his nephew a sympathetic look. “You’re not the only one who’s fallen for Bill’s tricks.”

 

Dipper looked carefully at his uncle. “Bill said he used you as a puppet before, like he used me.” He said slowly, “What did he make you do?”

 

Ford looked at the two children sitting before him. They were too tired for the full story tonight, but it seemed whether he liked it or not, he’d have to tell them the whole thing soon. “Well, long story short, that’s how I came to build the portal.”

 

Mabel looked at him in shock. “And that’s why you’re so scared to activate it?”

 

Ford nodded sadly.

 

That night, they all slept in a pile of blankets and cushions on the livingroom floor. Ford needed to be sure they were there with him, needed to be sure they were safe. As soon as he got the chance, he was going to Bill-proof this house, no matter what it took.


	24. GNPD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Wendy, Grenda, and Candy join a sting operation.

The young twins awoke the next morning to find their Grunkle had left their nest of pillows and blankets. They worried that he’d gone back to spending every waking moment on the portal, but luckily they found Ford sitting at the kitchen table, with an assortment of scrolls and potions strewn around him. The kids gaped at the materials spread before them; Ford had never brought out his paranormal research for them to see!

 

“Whoa! What’s all this mysterious stuff?” Mabel asked excitedly, “Is it…  _ magic!? _ ”

 

“Some of it.” Ford grunted dully.

 

“What’s it for?” Dipper asked, for once just as excited as his sister.

 

“Bill’s power is growing stronger, and it’ll increase exponentially as I bring the portal online. If I'm going to protect this family, we need to Bill-proof our home and block his mental attacks. I  _ had  _ a series of runestones with protection spells carved into them, but  _ someone  _ dug one of them up and ruined it.” He shot an accusatory glance at the twins. They hung their heads guiltily.

 

“Sorry.” They sighed in unison.

 

“Well ’sorry’ isn't going to stop Bill. At least this is a chance to improve the defenses around the house.” Ford pulled out the first volume of the Journal and flipped through the pages, looking for a specific entry. “My memories are incomplete here, but I think there’s a way to create a barrier against all weirdness. I don’t know why I never used it before…” he paused when he found the right page and began reading. His face fell. “Uhg,  _ now _ I remember; unicorn hair.”

 

Mabel gasped.

 

Dipper laughed nervously. “That’s not like, rare, is it?”

 

“It's  _ hopeless. _ ” Ford groaned.

 

“Whoa, hold up Grunkle Ford!” Mabel exclaimed. “Hopeless and unicorn don't even belong in the same sentence together! I don't care if I have to climb every mountain, cross every stream, wander through the desert, or explore the bottom of the ocean! If I have an excuse to find a unicorn, I’m finding a unicorn!”

 

“Finding them isn't the hard part. I know there are some living in the deepest part of the enchanted forest. But only a good, pure-hearted person can receive hair from a unicorn by going on a quest of self-discovery.” The old researcher explained.

 

Mabel squeed. “Sign me up! I'm totally  _ obsessed _ with unicorns! My first word was unicorn!”

 

“Mabel, I don't…” Ford tried to cut in, but she rolled along with her obsession.

 

“I made my own unicorn at the petting zoo by sticking an ice cream cone on a horse’s head! I own my own unicorn themed party supplies in case anyone ever needs to throw a unicorn party! I'm even wearing a unicorn sweater right now! Plus, no offense, I love you guys, but I'm probably the most pure-hearted person in our family.”

 

Dipper and Ford had to agree with her there.

 

“It's just that there are  _ easier  _ ways of Bill-proofing the house.” Ford finally got out.

 

“Do those ways involve unicorns?” Mabel asked.

 

“No, that’s sort of the poi--”

 

“Then I'm not interested!” The colorful girl cried. “Please please please, Grunkle Ford!!  _ I'll give you my blood!!! _ ”

 

“Alright, alright! That won't be necessary!” Ford relented, handing her the first volume of the Journal. “You’ll need this. And a way to defend yourself. And I don’t want you going alone, but I can’t come. I uh… had a  _ frustrating _ experience with the unicorns last time I saw them, and I don’t think I’m welcome to return.”

 

“Way ahead of you!” Mabel reassured him, already calling up her posse and pulling out her grappling hook. “Candy, Grenda, Wendy, clear the afternoon!” She pulled away from the phone and looked back at her brother, “You coming Dip-dop?”

 

“Uh, nah, I’m gonna stay here and help Grunkle Ford.” He replied.

 

“Your loss!” She shrugged, and ran out the door.

 

“What are the odds she’ll actually get unicorn hair?” Dipper asked after she left.

 

“Unlikely.” Ford said stiffly. 

 

“So what were those ‘easier ways of Bill-proofing the house’?”

 

The old scientist sighed. “I’d hoped to be able to show this to both of you, but Mabel was dead set on seeing those unicorns, and with Bill on the prowl, there’s no sense just sitting around and waiting. Follow me.”

 

And follow Dipper did, into the library to a bookshelf sitting next to the door. There was nothing particularly special about it that would make it stand out. It looked more or less just like every other bookshelf in the room. Ford reached up and pulled a few books off the top shelf. Behind them was what at first glance appeared to be just ordinary logs building up the wall, but the old man slid one aside, revealing a secret panel. He began to punch in a code, Dipper watching closely.

 

Ford paused and looked his nephew in the eye. “Do you mind?”

 

“Huh?” Dipper wondered. Ford motioned for him to turn around. “Oh…” The boy complied.

 

Dipper turned back around when he heard the  _ ka-chack _ of a secret door opening. Sure enough, the bookshelf had swung forward, revealing a hidden staircase. His eyes grew wide, and an excited grin spread across his face. It looked like he was finally going to learn some of the secrets of Ford’s mysterious double-life! At the bottom of the stairs was another door, this one to a rickety old elevator. Ford made Dipper turn around again as he punched in another access code. They rode down to the second floor, but Dipper couldn’t help but notice there was a third floor below that.

 

“What’s on the bottom floor?” The boy asked as they exited the elevator. “Is that where the Portal is?” He guessed. “Are you finally gonna let me see it!?”

 

“ _ No! Why would you even want to see it? Why can’t you understand how dangerous it is, Stanley!? _ ” Ford snapped. The two of them stood in awkward silence for a few seconds as the old scientist realized his tongue had slipped. “Dipper, I’m sorry….” The old scientist said quietly, the anger leaving him as quickly as it had come.

 

“You must be thinking of him a lot lately.” Dipper said understandingly. 

 

Ford got down on eye-level with his nephew. “You remind me so much of him sometimes.” He said with a sad smile. 

 

“I-I’ve just been trying to be like you!” the boy stammered.

 

The old researcher ruffled the kid’s hair as best he could through Dipper’s cap. “Well you’ve certainly got Stanley’s knack for getting into trouble.” He gave a forlorn sigh. “I’d give anything just to know he’s ok.”

 

“So, what  _ are _ we doing down here?” Dipper asked.

 

“This is my old study.” Ford explained. “Pardon the mess, I haven’t been down here in quite a while… too many bad memories. Anyway, if we can’t Bill-proof our home, the next-best thing is to Bill-proof our minds.” 

 

He led Dipper to an ancient looking machine. It looked exactly like Dipper imagined the earliest computers to look like; the kind that supposedly took up an entire room. This one wasn’t quite that big, but it had several monitors all linked together, and all centered on a rather silly looking helmet that’d obviously been made from a spaghetti strainer. 

 

“This is project Mentem. It’s designed to bioelectrically encrypt brainwaves to make them impervious to Bill’s control.” Ford flipped a switch and the machine hummed to life. They watched as the old computing systems booted up and… continued to boot up. “This may take a bit.”

* * *

  
  


Mabel, Grenda, Candy, and Wendy were all ready for an awesome girls’ adventure. The three youngest were excitedly discussing the finer points of unicorn lore, like what flavor the hair on its neck would be, or whether you could become a unicorn by drinking its tears. Wendy was still half-convinced the whole thing was a prank.

 

Soon enough they reached the Gnome community that marked the deepest, most magical part of the forest.

 

“Ok Mabel, what’d Dr. Pines say we need to do to find unicorns?” Wendy asked skeptically.

 

“Let’s see…” Mabel flipped open the Journal and began reading. “ _ To summon the unicorn, one must bellow the ancient chant of the druids as deeply as possible. _ ”

 

“On it!” Grenda took a deep breath and recited the chant perfectly. Mabel wondered if she had druids in her family tree.

 

“I bet ten bucks nothing happens.” Wendy said dryly.

 

“I’ll take that bet!” Mabel said confidently. Just then the ground shook, and a ring of stones before them began rising up to form great walls. There was an archway just big enough for the four of them to fit through. Mabel waggled her eyebrows at Wendy. The teen rolled her eyes and forked over the money.

 

When they entered, they found what they were looking for: a white, pencil-thin horse with huge eyes, rainbow hair, and a spiraling pink horn. A real-life unicorn! The girls all gasped in amazement; even Wendy was shocked.

 

“ _ Hark, visitors to my realm of enchantment! I am Celestabellebethabelle, last of my kind. _ ” The unicorn neighed. “ _ What do you seek _ ?”

 

“Oh Celestabellebethabelle, I am Mabel, the pure in heart, and I come seeking some of your magical hair so that I can help protect my family from evil!”

 

The unicorn sighed. Wendy could’ve sworn she sounded annoyed. “ _ Very well, all of you may enter. Just be sure to take your shoes off first. I have a thing about shoes. _ ”

 

They all came in, taking their shoes off in the archway, except Wendy.

 

“ _ I was talking to everyone _ .” The unicorn glared at the teen.

 

“These are boots, not shoes.” Wendy deadpanned.

 

“ _ Do you use them to walk around in the dirt outside? Then take them off. _ ”

 

Wendy groaned and began pulling off her boots.

 

“Ok Celestabellebethabelle, do you have some scissors or…” Mabel began.

 

“ _ Not so fast! First I must use my horn to look deep into your heart! _ ” Mabel knelt before the unicorn and tried not to squirm as a heart-shaped light appeared over her chest. Celestabellebethabelle’s horn began to glow, and for a second, Mabel was sure she was going to get that unicorn hair. But then… “ _ You have done wrong!  _ _ Wrong _ _ I say! _ ”

 

“What?” The others cried

 

Mabel’s heart fell. “I  _ do _ make fun of Dipper a lot… and I did overdose Grunkle Ford on Mabel Juice to get him to lend me one of his Journals to use in my Sock Opera…”

 

“ _ Come back when you’re pure of heart! And take your shoes with you! And boots! _ ” Celestabellebethabelle whinnied.

 

The girls left very disgruntled, but none more so than Mabel. She was distraught.

 

“Don’t listen to her Mabel!” Grenda comforted her.

 

“Yeah, that stuck up horse doesn’t know what she’s talking about. And her voice makes me wanna rip my ears off.” Wendy agreed. 

 

“No, she’s right!” Mabel cried, “I’ve been terrible this summer! I’ve been mean to my brother and kept ignoring my uncle trying to steer me away from bad boyfriends and stole jelly from Soos’s grandma when we were staying at her house!”

 

“Mabel, those are all just normal things that normal people do.” Wendy reassured her. 

 

“I’ve got to be better than normal!” Mabel insisted, “I’ve got to be pure-hearted! Starting now, I’m gonna be the goodest do-gooder Gravity Falls has ever seen!”

* * *

  
  


Back in Ford’s study, project Mentem had finally booted up and Dipper had volunteered to go first. Some of the wonder of seeing his thoughts on screen wore off when he realized just how many embarrassing thoughts were bouncing around in his head.

 

“Uh, so what exactly is Bill?” The boy asked, trying to draw attention away from the fact that WENDY was scrolling across one of the monitors again and again.

 

For a second it looked like Ford was going to dodge the question yet again, but he seemed to think better of it, and decided to finally come clean with a few answers. “No one seems to know for sure. I’ve researched many different accounts of his origins and motives, but none of them seem to match up. What I do know is that he’s older than our galaxy, and far, far more twisted. But he doesn’t physically exist on our plane of existence. He can only project himself into the mindscape, which is where his true power lies. The reason he wants the portal is so that he can have power in  _ this _ universe. To do that he will trick or possess  _ anyone _ . There’s no depths he won’t stoop to.”

 

“So… how did Bill trick you into building the portal in the first place?” Dipper asked. 

 

Ford turned and looked seriously at his nephew. “Dipper, do you trust me?”

 

“Of course, but…” 

 

“Then you need to trust that’s not important right now. What’s important now is keeping Bill from taking control in the future, not dwelling on what he’s done in the past.” The scientist said with finality.

* * *

  
  


Meanwhile, Mabel and the girls had completed a whole montage’s worth of good deeds. As they made their way back to the unicorn’s glade, the colorful girl was feeling much more positive after the funk she’d left in before. She had that do-good, pure-hearted glow inside. She knew she had to have the unicorn hair in the bag!

 

Wendy, on the other hand, was not liking this at all. There was something off about that unicorn, the way she belittled them all, and the way she said she was the last of her kind. The teen had been looking in Dr. Pines’ Journal entry on unicorns, and it hadn’t said anything about there only being one left. Wendy was beginning to feel like she and her friends were being used.

 

She’d been about to bring this up to the others when Celestabellebethabelle finished ‘looking into Mabel’s heart’.

 

“ _ Not pure of heart! _ ” The unicorn whinnied. 

 

“Ok, this is a load of rainbow turds!” Wendy steamed.

 

“Please, tell me what I’m doing wrong!” Mabel pleaded.

 

“ _ Doing good deeds to make yourself look better isn’t good at all! _ ” Celestabellebethabelle explained haughtily.

 

“But… but I’m not just doing it to look good, I’m doing it to help my family! Please, I need your hair to protect them!” Mabel begged

 

“ _ I’m sorry Mabel, it’s not my fault you’re a bad person. _ ” The unicorn said.

 

Mabel ran off crying. Her friends chased after her and comforted her.

 

“Come on Mabel, don’t beat yourself up about this.” Wendy encouraged her.

 

“Yeah, let’s just forget about the unicorn hair.” Candy agreed. “I’m sure there are other ways to protect your family.

 

Mabel sniffed and nodded. She remembered Grunkle Ford saying something like that. But still… “It’s about more than that… it’s just… I’ve always been the kind and sweet one. If I’m not a good person, who am I?”

 

“We think you’re kind and sweet, Mabel!” Grenda assured her. “You were our friend when nobody else wanted to be!”

 

“Yeah, and I totally would’ve been bored out of my mind this summer if it weren’t for you and your brother!” Wendy added.

 

“Thanks girls, that means a lot.” Mabel sighed, “I just wish I knew what I could do to make Cellestabellebethabelle feel that way too!”

 

Wendy frowned and pulled the other two away. “Guys, something is definitely shady about that unicorn chick. Mabel’s like the best person I’ve ever met. We’ve gotta snoop around and get to the bottom of this.”

 

“Snooping?” Candy asked. “Mabel’s not going to like that.”

 

“Mabel doesn’t need to know.” Wendy assured her. “Look, that unicorn’s standards are impossible. We’re not perfect, we’re  _ women! And we take what we want _ !”

 

“Yeah!” Grenda shouted in agreement, crushing a rock for emphasis.

* * *

 

And so they set their plan into action. They went back to the gnome community and volunteered with the GNPD to see if they had any dirt on Celestabellebethabelle.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t help you girls.” Said Chief Spencer. “Those unicorns think they’re above the law. We’ve been trying to catch them in their scam for years now, but they always seem to be one step ahead of us. They use the system against us!”

 

“Wait, ‘they’ as in multiple!? I knew it!” Wendy cried.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t officially confirm that.” The Chief grunted. “The only evidence we have right now is completely circumstantial.”

 

“Well maybe we can help?” Grenda suggested.

 

“The GNPD can’t officially accept civilian help or release info on an ongoing case, but… I’m sure if you talk to Officer Carl over there he might be willing to tell you about our one lead during his lunch break.” Chief Spencer said, waggling an eyebrow. 

 

The three girls entered the lunchroom. It was very small for them, but luckily there was only one gnome in there at the time. 

 

“Hey, you Officer Carl?” Wendy asked.

 

“That’s what it says on my badge.” The officer quipped, munching on a toadstool sandwich.

 

“What can you tell us about the Celestabellebethabelle case?” the teen continued.

 

The gnome cop smiled. “We’ve got one lead now. A gnome down at Gnasty’s, goes by ‘Gus’. He’s a suspect in a butterfly trafficking ring, but we believe he also knows a thing or two about the unicorns. He was spotted exiting their glade with a magic bag just three days ago.”

 

“And how does that help us?” Wendy asked.

 

Carl grinned. “How do you gals feel about playing double agent?”

* * *

  
  


“I’m lookin’ for someone who knows how to take down a unicorn!” Wendy shouted as she kicked down the door to Gnasty’s. “No tricks, no games!”

 

“We are women! We take what we want!” Candy screamed, breaking a bottle.

* * *

  
  


“Chief, we got the fairy dust, and Gus is before the owl judge as we speak.” Candy reported in the GNPD offices.

 

“Great job girls,” The Chief congratulated them, “You’re loose cannons, but by Oberon you get results!”

 

“So where do we go on the unicorn case from here?” Grenda asked.

 

“We’re gonna need to wait until they finish processing Gus.” Officer Carl said. “See if he’s willing to squeal on the unicorns in exchange for a lightened sentence.”

 

“We haven’t got that kind of time!” Wendy slammed her fist on the desk, “The Pines family needs that unicorn hair STAT, and Mabel’s emotional state is suffering  _ now _ . She needs this closure.”

 

“Well…” The Chief twiddled his thumbs, “We can’t have the GNPD going in there without a warrant, but… if a few humans happened to have a bag of fairy dust and happened to bring it into the unicorn’s glade.” He pushed the bag towards them. “We wouldn’t have anything to do with that.”

 

Wendy took the bag and nodded. “And in return you want us to…?”

 

“Keep an audio recorder on you. That should be enough.” Officer Carl said. “Just remember, should anything go wrong, we can’t be tied back to you. You’ll be on your own.”

 

“Understood.” Grenda growled.

* * *

  
  


Mabel had been brainstorming ideas for the perfect good deed to prove herself to Celestabellebethabelle when she heard something suspicious in the direction of the unicorn glade. She snuck over to investigate, and saw three dark figures slip into the stone archway. Mabel gasped. If she could save Celestabellebethabelle from these thugs, maybe that would prove she was pure of heart! She quietly followed them in, only to find the tallest one hunched over the prone form of the unicorn, about to cut her hair! What’s worse, Mabel recognized the attacker in the faint glow of Celestabellebethabelle’s horn. 

 

“Wendy!? No, you can’t! Stop!” 

 

“Mabel,  _ shhh _ ! You’ll wake her up!” The teen shushed her.

 

“But this is wrong, guys!” Mabel reprimanded her, snatching the scissors away.

 

“Mabel, you don’t understand, we are here for the police!” Candy tried to explain.

 

But it was too late. Celestabellebethabelle was already waking up and she was not happy. “ _ What!? Doth mine eyes deceive me!? Thief! _ ” She pointed her horn at Mabel, “ _ You shall never be pure of heart! _ ”

 

“No!” Mabel cried, “You don’t understand! I just want to be good enough for you! I’m trying so hard!”

 

Suddenly there was a snorting, braying laugh from another corner of the glade. Another couple of unicorns trotted out.

 

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me!” The first one snorted, “C-beth, are you seriously pulling that old ‘pure-of-heart’ scam again!?”

 

“That’s messed up right there.” The second one agreed.

 

“Wait, scam?” Mabel asked, completely blown away by this revelation.

 

“I knew it!” Wendy seethed.

 

“Yeah, unicorns can’t see into your heart. All our dumb horns are good for is glowin’, findin’ rainbows, and playin’ rave music.” The second unicorn explained.

 

“Yeah, they’re pretty lame compared to how magical our hair, tears, blood, and rainbow turds are.” The first unicorn agreed. “The whole ‘pure of heart’ racket’s just a way to get people to leave us alone.”

 

“Guys, shut up!” C-beth hissed at them.

 

“I-I can’t believe, all this time I thought I was a bad person,” Mabel crushed her notebook in her hand, “But you…  _ you’re worse than I am _ ! You’re worse than  _ most _ people I know, and that’s saying something!”

 

C-beth tossed her head flippantly. “Yeah, ok, fine. You learned our little secret. We’re complete jerks. We have more hair and other magic junk than we know what to do with, but we hoard it for ourselves just to tick everyone else off. What’re you gonna do about it, huh? Huh?"

 

“How about hand your confession over to the GNPD?” Grenda pulled her recorder out triumphantly.

 

The unicorns all glared at them. “You know we can’t let you leave with that.” The second unicorn glowered. The three unicorns started advancing on the girls.

 

Mabel wound up and socked C-beth straight in the nose. “We’re leaving here with the recorder  _ and _ the hair!” She said defiantly. 

 

“Oh, so it’s a fight you want? Well it’s a fight you’re gonna get!” C-beth and the unicorns charged, but they were actually quite useless in a fight. Their horns turned out to be even more useless than they thought, as they made for terrible weapons against the girls, who were much more experienced fighters. In the end, the unicorns were total pushovers. Mabel had collected an arm-full of hair in no time. As they left, she ripped the unicorn applique from her sweater and tossed it over her shoulder.

 

“I don’t need you to tell me whether I'm good or bad.” She spat.

 

“And your neck tastes like cat pee.” Candy added.

 

“Come on guys. The gnomes in blue should be here to clean up the mess soon.” Wendy waved them out.

* * *

  
  


Dipper felt like he’d been down in the study with Ford for hours, though it’d really only been one. It was no surprise that Ford, who hadn’t been sleeping well for weeks now, had fallen asleep at the console. The boy glanced at the main monitor. 15% complete. 

 

“Uhg, how did anyone get anything done back in the 80’s, with computers this slow?” He groaned. As Dipper sat there, his thoughts kept drifting to Ford and Bill, which was only compounded as he saw those thoughts repeated again and again on the monitors. 

 

_ Why does Ford have to be so mysterious about Bill? _

_ I wonder what Grunkle Ford is thinking? _

_ Use the machine! It’ll show you his thoughts! _

 

“I shouldn’t…” Dipper told himself.

 

_ He won’t know! _

_ He’ll probably tell you eventually anyway. _

_ The more you know about Bill, the more you can help. _

_ You’re worried about him, you should just make sure he’s ok. _

 

“Wow, I am  _ really good _ at rationalizing.” the boy observed.

 

_ Yes you are. _

_ Very astute! _

_ Yes you are. _

 

“Ok, ok, just a little peek.” Dipper took the helmet off and carefully placed it on Ford’s head. “What are you hiding about Bill?”

 

Dipper had been expecting another wall of random thoughts spelled out for him, like his own thoughts had been, but that wasn’t what he got at all. The monitors all switched to videos and images. On one screen he saw an image of Bill, on another, a video of Ford tossing and turning in his sleep. The largest monitor showed a video of a man in his mid 30’s who Dipper didn’t recognize, although his huge nose was vaguely familiar. 

 

“ _ Where are these ideas coming from _ ?” The man asked desperately, “ _ Who are you working with!? _ ”

 

The smaller monitors changed again to show a few cryptic warnings from the Journals that Dipper definitely recognized.

 

_ I’M LOSING MY MIND! _

 

_ TRUST NO ONE! _

 

Another memory started playing on the main monitor. It was Ford, in his 30’s, standing in the Dreamscape with Bill. Bill was floating there with his hand stretched out, enshrouded in blue flames, just like he’d been a day before when he’d pulled the same trick on Dipper. But Ford didn’t look skeptical, or desperate, or even sleep-deprived like Dipper had been when Bill tricked him. Ford looked excited and determined and eager to shake Bill’s hand.

 

“ _ Then it’s a deal. From now until the end of time. _ ” Ford said proudly.

 

“ _ JUST LET ME INTO YOUR MIND, STANFORD! _ ” Bill encouraged him.

 

“ _ Please, call me a friend _ .” 

 

“No way…” Dipper gasped as the monitor went on to show Bill possessing Ford and laughing maniacally.

 

“You shouldn’t have don’t that.”

 

Of course, the boy should’ve realized the sounds playing on the machine would wake Ford up. But when Dipper turned around to face his Grunkle, he wasn’t just feeling guilty for being caught doing something he shouldn’t have. He also suddenly noticed just how bad the lighting in there was. He couldn’t see Ford’s eyes, just the light from the monitors reflecting off his glasses. 

 

“Wh-wh-why would you say you were friends with Bill?” Dipper asked cautiously, his voice quivering with fear. He remembered some of the things Ford had said to him earlier.

 

“ _ To do that he will trick or possess anyone _ .”

 

“ _ I’d give anything just to know he’s ok. _ ”

 

What if that meant...

 

Dipper slowly started to back away, and nearly tripped into project Mentem.

 

“Careful, we still need that!” Ford(?) warned him.

 

“Why were you really scanning my thoughts?” Dipper demanded, starting to back away just a bit faster. “Are you Bill right now?”

 

“Now just--just calm down, p--”

 

“ _ ‘Pinetree’? Is that what you were gonna call me? _ ” The boy cried, full-on terror taking hold of him.

 

“I was just going to say ‘please’, kid!”

 

Dipper stumbled up against the wall of servers that powered project Mentem. He was in a tight spot here, but it seemed like Bill needed the ancient computer. Maybe he could use that to his advantage.

 

“If-if you come any closer, I’ll wreck this thing, don’t think I won’t!”

 

“It’s me, Dipper, it’s Ford!”

 

“ _ Trust no one! _ ” Dipper threw all his weight into one of the serverbanks and toppled it over. He’d been planning on blocking Bill’s advance, but the boy hadn’t realized just how structurally unstable the things were. It was like a domino effect; suddenly the whole wall of servers and hard-drives started coming down around him. Ford(?) leaped over the broken blocks of computing tech and tackled the boy out of danger, saving them both in the nick of time from being crushed.

 

Dipper struggled to free himself from his captor’s arms. “Let go of me!”

 

“Now--now just calm down.” Ford took off his glasses and looked the boy straight in the eye. “Look into my eyes. It’s me, Dipper. It’s alright.”

 

Dipper stopped struggling and saw that his uncle really was his uncle. Next he looked over his uncle’s shoulder and saw the destruction his freak-out had caused. He hugged Ford tight and started shaking as he tried to keep himself from crying. “I’m so so sorry! I could’ve really hurt you! I broke our best hope of keeping Bill out of our minds!”

 

“It’s ok. I would have done the same thing in your shoes.” Ford reassured him. “I should’ve been more like you when I was young.” The old scientist sighed heavily. “I was a fool to try and keep hiding everything about Bill. I should’ve told you everything the moment he came back. Maybe then you wouldn’t have gone through what you did yesterday.

 

“The reason I’ve been trying to prepare you for Bill’s tricks is because Bill tricked me. It’s the biggest regret of my life; every other terrible thing that’s happened to me, McGucket, and my brother stemmed from that moment when I made my first deal with Bill. When I was much younger and more naive, my research of the strange and abnormal in Gravity Falls was in a rut. I couldn’t seem to make any more progress, until one day I found Bill. For the longest time I couldn’t remember how, but when I finally found Journal 2 again, I found the account I’d written. There were some mysterious petroglyphs in a cave above the waterfall. The ancient people of Gravity Falls wrote of a being with answers… and a warning not to summon it. But I was desperate; in danger of being pulled out of Gravity Falls by my grant program. So I read the incantation out loud. At first it didn’t seem that anything had happened, until I took a nap later that afternoon.

 

“He told me he was a muse. That he chose one brilliant mind a century to inspire. He told me it was my destiny to change the world. What a fool I was, blinded by his flattery and games! At first I thought of him as my research assistant, then my partner. Eventually it got to the point where he was free to come and go in my mind as he liked. When he told me building a gateway to other worlds would unlock the answers I was looking for, I trusted him. When McGucket and I finished it, I was so sure I was on the verge of my greatest achievement. But then he got a glimpse of Bill’s true plans. It was only days later that I realized just how hoodwinked I’d been.

 

“When I confronted Bill about what’d happened, I learned his true colors. He didn’t care about helping me or this world, all he cared about was bridging our worlds so he could spread his so-called ‘party’ of chaos and destruction. From that moment on, I swore I’d do everything in my power to stop him. To Bill, it’s just a game, but to us, it’s a matter of the  _ end of the world _ .”

 

“Oh man…” Dipper muttered.

 

“Oh man indeed.” Ford nodded.

 

Dipper’s head was swimming. Suddenly all of Ford’s paranoia about the portal made sense. If anything, he’d been  _ downplaying _ just how dangerous it was. And yet Dipper knew the thing was running just a floor below them.

 

“And… and you’re gonna open it anyway, for your brother?” The boy asked incredulously.

 

“It’s like you said, Dipper, I’ve already come this far.” Ford reminded him, although he didn’t quite sound convinced. “Even if there’s a good chance I’ll doom our universe, I’ve got to try.”

 

Dipper wasn’t quite sure he felt that way anymore, now that he knew what the portal could really do and what Bill really wanted with it. But then again,  _ what if it was Mabel _ ? Wouldn’t he do the exact same thing for her?

 

The two of them decided to take a break and calm their nerves with a few cans of Pitt cola. 

 

“Uhg, I’m still so embarrassed about earlier.” Dipper groaned “I’m such an idiot.”

 

“Don’t blame yourself, kid. From now on, no more secrets between us.” Ford lifted the brim of Dipper’s cap encouragingly. “We’re not the first two idiots to fall for Bill’s games, but if we work together, we might just be the last.”

 

“But, I broke the machine, how are we gonna protect ourselves from Bill now?”

 

“Did someone say ‘unicorn hair’!?” Mabel sauntered in and slapped a whole wad of unicorn hair on the table.

 

“Uh, no, actually.” Dipper corrected her.

 

Ford looked at her in disbelief. He was so shocked he barely even registered what Mabel and the other girls were saying  when they related the tale of how they’d gotten so much unicorn hair… and tears and blood and eyelashes. “It… it can’t be! This is a great day, girls! With this unicorn hair, we should be able to shield the entire house from Bill and any other malevolent weirdness!”

 

“So it’s ok?” Mabel asked.

 

“It’s better than ok, it’s perfect!” The old man hugged her, then remembered how horrible he’d felt about himself the first time he encountered unicorns. “You’ve protected your family; you’re a good person, Mabel.”

 

“Thanks Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that I can’t rely on other people to tell me if I’m a good person or not.”

 

Ford smiled warmly at her. “You’re lucky to have learned that so early in life.”

 


	25. Reclaiming Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Pines family takes down a cult.

It was a quiet afternoon in Gravity Falls. Dipper was sitting in the kitchen making a snack when Mabel ran in, bouncing up and down with excitement. 

 

“Hey Bro-bro, look what I got!” The colorful girl showed off her find to her brother.

 

“Oh boy, a filthy green bottle.” Dipper said sarcastically. 

 

“Not just any filthy green bottle!” Mabel corrected him. “It’s a bottle message from Mermando! Remember him? He was my first kiss, and the only one of my crushes so far this Summer that seemed to reciprocate my feelings and wasn’t totally cray-cray! Hey, what if he wants to get back together?”

 

“Don’t get your hopes up, Mabel.” Dipper warned her.

 

“Only one way to find out!” She squealed excitedly and uncorked the bottle. Her face was beaming as she began to read it, but quickly fell as she went on. “It is with a heavy heart… prevent an undersea war… arranged wedding… Queen of the Manatees... _ I’m getting married!? _ ” She gasped.

 

“Ok, didn’t see that particular one coming.” The boy admitted.

 

“Oh, this can’t be happening!” Mabel groaned, looking at the enclosed picture of Mermando’s bride-to-be. “And she’s so beautiful!”

 

Dipper put a comforting arm around his sister. “Don't take it so hard, Mabel. You’ll get over him.”

 

She groaned. “I know… it's just that,” she pulled out her scrap-book, and opened it up to a page titled  _ Summer Romance _ , “I made this page hoping I'd be able to fill it with epic summer romances, but look what I've got so far: Turned out to be gnomes, child psycho, makes out with his own hands… I just wish I could forget all about them.”

 

“Yeah, my summer hasn't been the most successful either.” Dipper agreed. “I spent half our time here trying to figure out who wrote the Journals, and it turned out we were living under the same roof.”

 

Mabel smiled, “I thought that was pretty neat, that it turned out to be Grunkle Ford.”

 

Dipper shrugged noncommittally. “It's cool and all, but it's also kinda embarrassing. I mean, what kind of paranormal investigator am I if the biggest mystery of the summer just slipped right under my nose?”

 

Their conversation was interrupted as Ford entered the kitchen. He was carrying a bag which he proceeded to fill with canned goods, including a lot of Barron Nyum-Nyum’s Baked Beans.

 

“Hey Grunkle Ford, what’re you up to today?” Mabel asked him. 

 

“Putting together a care-package for Fiddleford. It’s been a while since my last one, with everything that’s been going on.” Ford explained.

 

“Can we help?” The girl asked. 

 

Stanford looked up from packing the bag and put a hand to his chin thoughtfully. “Well, actually… this is a big favor, but could you two take this to him? I… I have some more work to do with the ‘you know what’. Even with all the Journals, I feel like I’m still forgetting something.” Not to mention, Ford didn’t think he could bring himself to look at his old friend, knowing he was in the process of activating very portal that had destroyed their old friendship.

 

“Sure, we can do that!” Dipper assured his uncle, happy to have an opportunity to show Ford how responsible he could be.

 

The young twins took the bag and headed out the door. On their way out they ran into Soos and Wendy, who were arguing about the latest catchy summer rap. Wendy hated it, but Soos wouldn’t stop playing it again and again.

 

“Hey guys, we’re gonna bring a bag of food to a crazy old homeless guy, wanna come?” Mabel asked them.

 

“If it means I don’t have to listen to  _ Straight Blanchin’ _ again, then yes.” Wendy agreed.

 

“You four be careful.” Ford warned them, “Keep an eye out for anything dangerous or out of the ordinary.”

 

“You got it Dr. Pines!” Soos assured him.

 

Dipper was deep in thought as they piled into Soos’s truck.

 

“What’s on your mind, bro-bro?” Mabel asked him.

 

“I was just thinking about Grunkle Ford. He’s been putting so much work into the portal; I just wish there was more we could do to help.”

 

“Yeah, me too.” Mabel agreed. “At least we can help him take care of McGucket though.”

 

“Wait, Mabel, that’s it! McGucket used to work with Ford on the portal, right? What if we got him to help fix it now?”

 

“Uuuh, I dunno Dipper. Didn’t that thing kinda drive him crazy in the first place?” 

 

“Yeah, but what if we can help him get his mind back in order? I’ve got the third volume of the Journal, it’s got a few entries about Ford and McGucket working together, and we’ve got the laptop he built for Ford from the bunker!”

 

“I thought Bill wrecked that thing?”

 

“Well, who better to fix it than the guy who built it!” Dipper exclaimed excitedly. “I bet it would help jog his memory!” He turned to the driver’s seat. “Soos, wait, I gotta get a couple of things out of my room.”

* * *

  
  


They arrived in the junkyard just as Old Man McGucket was chasing away some punk kids who’d spray-painted “Mc Suck it” on the side of his little junk-shelter. 

 

“Get outta here, ya salt lickin’, hornswagglin’... McSuckit. They got me good.” The old coot sighed to himself. Then he noticed his new visitors. “Well howdy folks! Come in, come in!” He pulled back a tattered curtain of cloth that served as the door to his hovel.  

 

“Hey Mr. McGucket, we brought you some food!” Mabel handed him the bag full of cans. 

 

“Why thank ya lil’ lady, but I don’t need no charity from nobody.” The hillbilly assured her. “I got everythin’ I need right here! I got rusty scrap metal for buildin’, plenty of possums for game, an’ a fancy tub fer collectin’ water in!” He glanced at the tub and caught sight of his reflection. “Hey, git outta my water supply, ya varmint!” He sighed. “Aw, who’m I kiddin’? I never done nothin’ worthwhile in my life. Everyone knows I’m no good to nobody. I can’t recall what I used to be, but I must’ve been a big failure to end up like this.”

 

“That’s not true.” Dipper assured him. “You weren’t a failure, you were brilliant! You used to work for our uncle. Maybe this’ll help you remember?” The boy pulled out the broken laptop. 

 

The old inventor took the laptop gingerly and looked it over. “I… I don’t recall…”

 

“Well, what about this book?” Dipper pulled out the Journal. “Uh, he just calls you ‘F’ in all the entries, but honestly, who’d want to write out ‘Fiddleford’ all the time?”

 

McGucket took the book and read through the page on the Gremloblin the boy had opened up to. “I told ya, I don’t recall. Everything before 1982 is jus’ a blur…” He flipped through a few pages and then shrieked when he reached a particular image.. “The Blind Eye! Robes! The men! My mind! They did somethin’!”

 

Dipper took the Journal from him and saw a familiar drawing of an eye, crossed out in red ink. “The Society of the Blind Eye, of course! They erased your memory just like they did to Ford’s! That’s why you can’t remember anything!”

 

“Oh, you poor old man.” Mabel patted his shoulder sympathetically. “No wonder you’re brain’s all  _ pbbbbbbth _ . You’ve been through even more intense junk than we thought!”

 

“Guys, this Blind-Eye thing was behind the only two people in Gravity Falls who know anything worthwhile about the portal losing all their memories about it.” Dipper observed, “If we wanna help Ford get it working again and save his brother, then we need to get to the bottom of this.”

 

Wendy got down on eye-level with McGucket “Think dude, what’s the farthest back you can remember?”

 

McGucket looked over her shoulder to an old board covered in newspaper clippings. It was a collection of everything McGucket could find about his old life. “This ‘un, I think.”

 

Wendy glanced over the article and its accompanying picture. “The Natural History Museum. That’s the earliest place you can remember?”

 

The old inventor nodded.

 

“Then that’s where we’re going.” Dipper said firmly.

* * *

  
  


Ford was taking a brief break from working on the portal to get a drink of water. That’s what he told himself, anyway. Deep down, though, he needed to step away because he’d come up against a roadblock. The portal was online. It was slowly gaining power. It was scanning the universe for a signal that matched their own universe’s frequency. This scan was supposed to get him the coordinates he needed to find Stanley, but the coordinates were all wrong! Every single one came back negative, and the scanner’s search seemed to be going in circles! What was he missing?

 

The old researcher drained his glass a couple of times and placed it in the sink. He’d spend a few minutes with the kids, clear his mind a bit, and then come back and try again.

 

Speaking of the kids, where were they? They’d left to see McGucket almost an hour ago, surely they’d be back by now, especially since Soos gave them a ride in his truck. He glanced to the tan long coat he left hanging by the door, waiting for his next adventure… or his next emergency.

 

“No, no, I’m sure they’re fine.” He scolded himself. “I’ll just call Soos to be sure.”

 

When he tried Soos’s number, it went straight to voicemail. The same with Wendy’s, which was actually normal for her, but the fact that both of them failed to pick up just compounded his fears. He was out the door and pulling the coat on in seconds. It looked like that tracker he’d installed in Soos’s truck was going to be useful after all!

* * *

  
  


The four friends, plus McGucket, arrived at the museum without incident (except Wendy throwing out Soos’s CD of  _ Straight Blanchin’ _ ). The museum was closed, so they had to sneak in the window. Once through the window, they all stood and looked around carefully for any security guards or other suspicious things.

 

Wendy spotted something suspicious right off the bat, but it wasn’t anything to do with the museum or the Blind-Eye. It was Mabel. She was gloomily following the rest of the crowd, and walked right past a stuffed cougar without petting it.

 

“Mabel, are you ok?” The teen asked her friend in concern.

 

The younger girl sighed. “I dunno. It's just that everywhere I go, I find reminders of my old failed romances! Dioramas of old-time courtship, gross hearts saved in jars, even this poster of my last crush!” She tore down an old flyer of Gabe the puppet guy, only to reveal a poster of the boy-band she'd kept as pets, Sev’ral Timez. “Oh come on!”

 

The friends continued looking around the darkened museum. Soos spied a couple of shadowy figures darting down the hall. They gave chase, but when they should have cornered the mysterious strangers, all they found was an exhibit room, empty except for a collection of different eye displays. 

 

“Where'd they go?” Dipper marveled, “there's no windows or other rooms they would have slipped away into.”

 

McGucket backed into the corner nervously. “I feel like all these eyes are a-watchin me.”

 

Dipper looked around the room, taking in all the eyes and where they were pointing. “Wait, they are! Look!” 

 

He turned McGucket around to reveal a special carving that looked an awful lot like the Blind Eye symbol from the Journal. The boy looked at the carving carefully and pushed it, revealing it to be a hidden switch! The empty fireplace slid aside and revealed a staircase leading down into a secret basement. They snuck down silently, grateful that stone stairs couldn't creak.

 

As they descended they began to hear ominous chanting. It grew louder with each step as they came closer and closer to the mysterious hidden basement. Finally they reached the bottom, where they found a set of heavy red curtains. The little group of explorers peeked through the gaps. What they found astonished them.

 

A ring of mysterious people draped in creepy red robes stood chanting around what to Dipper looked disturbingly like an electric chair. There was a poor woman strapped in, and although there was a hood shoved over her head, the boy recognized her at once as Lazy Susan, the lady from the diner. 

 

The robed figures stopped chanting, and one man with an even creepier and more important looking robe stepped forward. “Who is the subject of our meeting?” He asked, pulling away the bag. “Susan Wentworth, what is it you have seen?”

 

“Speak!” The Society Members chanted.

 

“Uh, well, I was leaving the diner…” Susan started, surprisingly nonchalant for someone who’d been kidnapped, strapped into a chair, and surrounded by mysterious robed figures. “And I saw these little bearded guys, and I was like ‘Whaaaa!?’”

 

“There, there.” The head robed guy said, although his voice was far from comforting. “You won’t be like ‘Whaaa’ any longer.” He pulled out a strange device. It looked like an old fashioned gun combined with a fancy lightbulb and a label maker. He turned the dial.

 

They watched in horror as the leader of the Blind Eye erased Susan’s mind with a flash of light.

 

“It is unseen.” The Society Members cried out together.

 

The head guy unstrapped Susan from the creepy chair and helped her up. She didn’t struggle, but she seemed really out of it. She didn’t seem to know what was going on.

 

“Your memories will be safe, here in the Hall of the Forgotten.” The leader removed a canister-looking thing from the memory eraser and wrote a label on it. 

 

“Into the Hall of the Forgotten! Into the Hall of the Forgotten!” The Society Members continued to chant.

 

“Good chanting, guys, have you been practicing?” The leader complimented them. “Unsee you later!”

 

The rest of the Society of the Blind Eye gave similar farewells and left the room in small groups. Dipper gave a sigh of relief when none of them made their way to the stairs where he and his friends were hiding. 

 

“Oh my gosh, they erased Lazy Susan’s mind!” Dipper gasped when he was sure all the Blind Eye members were gone.

 

McGucket hamboned in shock.

 

“Did you see that?” Mabel asked, “They recorded the memory in some sort of tube thingy!”

 

“What if they kept the recording of your memories?” Dipper looked to McGucket, “Or Ford’s? If we find those, it would do more than just help with the portal, it could uncover so many mysteries of Gravity Falls! Soos, you, me, and McGucket are gonna go find that Hall of the Forgotten. Mabel, Wendy, you two stay here and make sure those robe guys don’t come back!”

 

“Aw yeah, girl time!” Wendy nudged Mabel playfully.

 

“Let’s follow those tubes, dude!” Soos pointed the way.

* * *

  
  


Ford followed his tracker to the Gravity Falls Natural History Museum. Soos’s truck was parked in front of an opened window. Stanford groaned. He was getting too old to be scrambling through little windows.

 

The old researcher dropped into the empty museum and looked around. There were a few clues that the kids had been here: a poster had been torn off of the bulletin-board, and there was still a faint unwashed-Dipper smell on the air. He searched more closely, looking for the tell-tale trail of glitter that Mabel usually left. He found a few shining specks headed down the hall. He continued to search, finding more glitter leading down to an unsettling room full of eyes. They were all looking at one point. He followed the gaze to find a carving of a familiar image: a cat-like eye, crossed out with an X.

 

Oh no.

 

“Alright, this doesn’t necessarily mean the kids are in trouble.” He reassured himself. “Just because there’s a trail of glitter leading into what appears to be a Blind Eye stronghold doesn’t mean the Society’s gotten a hold of them.” He was being paranoid, as usual. 

 

But then again… he couldn’t just turn away and not investigate. There wasn’t any evidence that the kids  _ weren’t _ in danger from the Blind Eye, after all. It was better safe than sorry.

 

Ford inspected the carving carefully and found it was actually a button of some sort. He heard a rumbling when he pressed it. The fireplace at the other end of the room moved aside to reveal a hidden staircase. He took a deep breath. Hopefully his unbridled paranoia wasn’t leading him on a wild goose chase, or to his doom. 

* * *

  
  


Mabel had been practicing talking to boys with Wendy when she’d come up with the brilliant (at least in her opinion) idea to erase all the terrible romantic experiences she’d had this summer. Wendy wasn’t so sure about this idea at first, but Mabel was pretty sure the teen was reconsidering when she suggested erasing  _ Straight Blanchin’ _ from the redhead’s own mind. 

 

The discussion was interrupted when they heard a rumbling from the top of the stairs. 

 

“Someone’s coming down the secret passageway!” Mabel gasped.

 

Wendy shushed her and took a fighting stance just outside of the curtain. She motioned for Mabel to do the same.

 

“Right before they come out of the curtain, we jump ‘em.” the teen whispered. Mabel nodded to show she understood.

 

They almost missed their target. Whoever was coming down the stairs was silent as a ghost. But even they couldn’t hide the curtain being pushed aside as they peeked into the room. The girls pounced. Their target put up quite a fight, but it was two against one, and Mabel and Wendy were both exceptionally strong for their age and size. They quickly managed to tackle him to the ground. It was only then that they recognized him.

 

“Wait, Dr. Pines!?” Wendy exclaimed, “What the heck are you doing here?”

 

“I could as you two the same question!” Ford snapped back, readjusting his glasses, which had been knocked off in the scuffle. “Where are Dipper and Soos?”

 

“They went with McGucket to find you guys’s memories!” Mabel explained, “Guess what, we found out those Blind Eye dudes have been keeping all the memories they erased in these tube-thingies in some ‘Hall of the Forgotten’! Isn’t that great! You’ll be able to see all the stuff they made you forget before!”

 

Ford had to admit, it sounded like a dream come true. However… “It’s not worth putting you kids at risk! Maybe I’ll come back here at some point and try to reclaim those memories on my own, but for now, we need to find your brother right away and get out of here before the Blind Eye finds out we’re here.”

 

“C’mon, Dr. Pines, we’re already gotten this far!” Wendy protested. “And you can’t take on these guys on your own, there are tons of them!”

 

“So you thought the four of you could do it on  _ your _ own?” The old researcher asked incredulously.

 

“Five, if you count McGucket.” Mabel pointed out.

 

How Ford was going to respond to that, they never learned, because at that moment an alarm blared throughout the entire secret basement. In seconds red-robed figures were filing in from every entrance. They had the trio surrounded. Fighting their way out was not going to be an option this time; two of the Society Members were twice Ford’s size, and they’d all pulled out memory guns.

 

Ford’s mind was swimming in despair. He’d come so close, and now he was going to lose it all again! How long would it take him to relearn everything about Bill and the portal again? He had all the Journals back home now, surely it wouldn’t take too long… but would he even remember what he needed to do with them? Thirty years ago the Blind Eye had tried to wipe his entire mind, would they do the same now? They couldn’t, he had a family to care for! And what about Stanley? He’d just be left, waiting forever out in the multiverse. If he was even still alive. If he hadn’t already given up hope in his brother a long time ago. 

 

At least this way Ford didn’t have to worry about the incredible weight of choosing to save his brother over preventing the end of the world at the hands of a mad otherworldly being of incomprehensible power. 

 

Maybe he could deal with his own loss, but the kids? There was no way he was going to let the Blind Eye mess with their minds, no matter what it cost him.

 

The trio was brought into a smaller room, where Dipper and Soos were already tied to a support beam.

 

“Guys!” Dipper cried in surprise, “And Grunkle Ford? How’d you get here?”

 

“I’d hoped to come and save you, but obviously it’s a little late for that.” The old man sighed in defeat as he too was tied up.

 

“Where’s Fiddleford?” He whispered to Dipper when the Society Members stepped away.The boy shrugged. Well, at least  _ someone _ had gotten away.

 

“You shouldn’t have come here.” The leader said sternly. “We do not give up our secrets lightly.”

 

“Who are you bathrobe wearing freaks?” Wendy hissed.

 

“Why are you doing this?” Dipper asked desperately.

 

“And what’s with the British accent?” Mabel asked, “We’re nowhere near Britain!”

 

The leader shrugged “Well, I suppose we’re going to erase your memories of this whole incident anyway….” The Society Members all removed their hoods, revealing people the Pines family recognized from all around town. Bud Gleeful, Toby Determined, the bouncer from the Skull Fracture Bar, the crazy farmer Mabel had won Waddles from, the guy who married a woodpecker, and even the soccer mom who was always wearing that blue hoodie. None of them recognized the leader though, except Ford. The old scientist thought the creepy bald man looked vaguely familiar. 

 

“I am Blind Ivan!” The leader declared, “And we are the Society of the Blind Eye. Formed many years ago by our founder… our founder… does anyone remember who it was?”

 

“We been usin’ that ray guy on ourselves an awful lot!” Bud guffawed. 

 

“Wait, you seriously don’t remember?” Ford asked in disbelief. 

 

“Why are you so obsessed with erasing people’s memories?” Dipper demanded. “What could you possibly have to gain?”

 

“As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, Gravity Falls is a town plagued with supernatural unpleasantness. No one knew how to stop the things that went bump in the night, so our founder invented the next-best thing: a way to forget. It became our mission to help the good people of Gravity Falls forget the things that troubled them. And as a perk, we get to forget about things that trouble us! Everyone has something they’d rather forget. In fact, we saw on the security cameras that this girl here was about to use the ray herself. Isn’t that right?” 

 

“Mabel? Seriously!?” Dipper asked incredulously. Ford looked like he’d been slapped in the face with this revelation.

 

“Uh, well, maybe I was thinking about it…” Mabel admitted.

 

“Don’t you see?” Dipper turned to Blind Ivan, “This is ruining people’s lives! Old Man McGucket lives in a hut and talks to animals because of you! And have you noticed how spacey the townspeople are here? Don’t you feel bad about that?”

 

“Well, a little…” Blind Ivan agreed, but then he took the memory eraser and fired it at himself. “Feel bad about what? What was I doing? Oh, right.” He began turning the dials on the ray.

 

“Wait!” Ford cried. “I know who your founder is, I know why this Society was really started. Just let us go and I’ll tell you!”

 

“We can’t just let you go in exchange for information, that goes against everything the Society of the Blind Eye stands for!” Ivan protested.

 

“Please, you can do whatever you like with me, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, just let the rest of my family go!”

 

“Oh sure, and then they’ll remind you of everything I erased.” Ivan said flatly. “I don’t think so.”

 

“ _ I’m begging you! _ ” Ford pleaded.

 

“Oh, quit being so overdramatic, it’s not that bad. You’d be thanking me later if you ac--” Suddenly, someone dropped from the ceiling and landed directly on Ivan’s shoulders, knocking him flat.

 

“McGucket!?” “Fiddleford!?” Dipper and Ford exclaimed simultaneously.

 

“I raided the minin’ display fer weapons!” The old coot explained as he cut them loose with a sharpened pick-axe. “Now fight like a hillbilly, fellers!”

 

They all grabbed various objects to fight with, and an all-out brawl broke out. Soos whacked one guy with a sign about Dysentery, knocking loose a couple of memory tubes with “Stanford Pines” and “McGucket Memories” written on them.

 

“The memories!” Dipper scrambled after them, but he was pursued by the tattooed bouncer. He quickly stuffed them into a transport tube. “Mabel, catch!” He called out to his sister, who was standing nearest the other end of the the tubes.

 

It was the world’s most intense game of keep-away, as everyone dashed frantically around the room, swiping the memory tubes and slotting them into the next transporter before the Blind Eye members could get their hands on them. Finally, Dipper was distracted by the nasty sight of the farmer losing his robe, and Blind Ivan tried to snatch one out of his hands. The boy tightened his grip just in time, and they were locked in a vicious game of tug-of-war. 

 

“Give me that tube, boy!” Ivan demanded.

 

“Never! That memory belongs to McGucket!” The boy struggled valiantly. 

 

“The Society’s secrets belong to us!” Ivan kicked the kid loose and took out the memory gun while Dipper lay on the floor, the wind knocked out of him. “Say goodbye to your memories!”

 

“No!” Ford cried out from the other end of the room. He was too far to do anything.

 

But McGucket wasn’t. The old hillbilly jumped between Dipper and Ivan, taking the beam head-on. 

 

“McGucket…” Dipper gasped in awe, “Y-you took a bullet for me! Why?”

 

“You remind me of somethin’... or some _ one _ . An old friend…” Fiddleford smiled. 

 

Everyone stared at him in shock. Ivan fired another ray at him.

 

“Omigosh are you ok!?” Dipper asked in dismay.

 

“Ok as I’ll ever be!” The old man laughed, shaking off the ray like it was nothing.

 

“What!?” Everyone was very confused.

 

Ivan kept firing the memory gun. “Why. Isn’t. This. _ Working _ !?” 

 

“My mind’s been gone for thirty-some-odd-years!” McGucket walked right up to Ivan like the rays weren’t even coming. “You can’t break what’s already broken! Say goodnight, Sally!” He headbutted Ivan, knocking him out. 

 

The rest of the Blind Eye was in such shock, it was easy to turn the tables and tie them all up to that same support beam. After writing on their faces with Mabel’s marker, erasing their memories so the Society of the Blind Eye wouldn’t cause any more trouble in the future, and giving Blind Ivan the new identity of “Toot-toot McBumbersnazzle”, they were ready to finally use those old memory tubes. Or at least, the kids were ready. McGucket seemed a little apprehensive. He was afraid he wouldn’t like what he saw. 

 

Ford was apprehensive for a whole other reason. Up until this point, Fiddleford hadn’t recognized him today. How would he react when he finally truly remembered who Ford was and what had happened between them? And then there was the question of Ford’s own memories. He didn’t remember, but he had a good guess as to what kinds of things they might contain. While Ford was eager to finally reclaim his memories, he didn’t want to show the kids such horrors. 

 

The old researcher was ripped from his thoughts when Dipper asked him a question. “You said you knew who the founder of the Blind Eye was. Who was it?”

 

“You’ll see soon enough.” Ford sighed sadly, looking at Fiddleford as he slotted his memory tube into the screen. Dipper’s eyes widened as he realized what his uncle was implying.

 

> “ _ My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket, and I wish to unsee what I have seen. _ ”

 

Ford watched his old friend cautiously as the memory played on. He was expecting Fiddleford to round on him at any second and yell at him to leave and never come back. But Fiddleford remained glued to the screen, entranced by the record as his memories trickled back. The kids all gasped when they learned that McGucket was the one to invent the memory erasing gun, and found the Society of the Blind Eye. As the record played on, Ford found his own shock growing as he watched. Sure, he’d already known most of it, and guessed even more, but to watch it all play out before his eyes hurt in a way he hadn’t expected.

 

“Oh McGucket, I’m so sorry.” Mabel patted his back sympathetically.

 

“Aw hush, y’all helped me get my memories back, jus’ like ya said.” The old hillbilly smiled and turned to his old friend. “Stanford…”

 

“Fiddleford, I know you must hate me, but--”

 

“...Can ya ever forgive me?” 

 

“What?” Ford asked hoarsely, “You-- _ I’m _ the one who should be asking you to forgive _ me _ ! I’m the reason you did all this!”

 

“You made plenty o’ mistakes Ford,” McGucket agreed, “but I didn’t have to go an’ react the way I did. ‘Sides, I know I did plenty to hurt you too. I’m tired of forgettin’; maybe it’s time we start forgivein’.” He handed Ford his own memory tube.

 

Ford broke down and embraced his friend. “I’m so sorry Fiddleford! You were right! About everything! I should’ve listened to you!”

 

Fiddleford chuckled. “Well I can’t argue with ya there. Go on, you got some rememberin’ to do.”

 

Ford hesitated. “I don’t know if you all want to see this. It’s not going to be pretty.” 

 

“Grunkle Ford, no one likes bad memories,” Mabel reassured him, “But maybe it’ better to remember the bad things and learn from them than to go all denial crazy trying to act like it never happened.”

 

“That’s some mature junk, right there, Mabel.” Wendy complimented her.

 

“Yep! Miss Mature, that’s me!” The girl beamed.

 

Ford chuckled softly and slotted the tube into the screen. As bad as this was going to be, he knew the kids could handle it. 

 

> _ It started out innocuously enough. A young Stanford was looking over the memory erasing gun with a critical eye. “It’s just too dangerous! I mean, what if it fell into the wrong hands?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “You’re one to talk, that's the same kind of thing I've been saying about the portal project!” Fiddleford retorted. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “And even in the right hands, consider the possibility of misuse! What if you made a typo?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “I won't let that happen.” McGucket insisted. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “What if you misfired? The blast shield on this thing is completely inadequate.” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “That’s why I included the electronic tape, so it can record any memories it might accidentally delete. Although, you do make some good points… I wouldn't want to forget my wife, or my son…” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Then destroy it! I'm telling you Fiddleford, there's just too much that could go wrong!” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ McGucket looked at Ford nervously. “No… no, I still need it.” He turned the device on his friend. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Static flashed across the screen as the scene changed to another day weeks later. The two friends were surveying a team of construction workers who were finishing off filling in a large hole in the ground. Ford looked annoyed. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Fiddleford, what's the point of building a secret bunker with overwhelming security measures if a random crew of contractors knows all about it?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Don't worry, I'll take care of them.” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Ford laughed nervously. “You sound like a Hitman in one of those mob movies my dad used to watch.” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ McGucket laughed back “Don't get yer suspenders in a knot, I'm jus’ gonna use this.” He pulled out the memory eraser. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Ford's eyes widened. “I thought you'd destroyed that!” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “I knew it'd come in handy for a situation like this.” Fiddleford admitted sheepishly. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “It's bad enough you'd use this willfully, but on unsuspecting people without their permission!?” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “Stanford, don't worry about it.” McGucket used the memory eraser on him again. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ The scene changed yet again with a flash of static. McGucket was nowhere to be seen this time. Stanford was standing in the portal lab with another man who looked almost exactly like him. The kids gasped. This must be Stanley. He was obviously mad. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then _ **_you can have ‘em!_ ** _ ” He shoved a Journal into Stanford's arms, pushing him over the threshold in front of the portal.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ Everyone watched in horror as Ford became airborne. As Stan jumped up, grabbed his brother, and pushed Ford away from the portal, propelling himself into it's glowing blue mouth in the process. As Ford desperately scribbled down all the settings the portal had been at when Stanley went through. As he jumped in the car and drove recklessly through a blizzard to get enough fuel to run the portal one more time. As he found himself surrounded by the Blind Eye. As he vainly tried to explain himself to Fiddleford. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “I’m sorry I have to do this, Stanford.” _
> 
>  
> 
> _ A fight. A flash of light. _
> 
>  
> 
> _ “No! Please!” _

 

The recording ended.

 

Everyone sat in somber silence for a few seconds.

 

“Stanford I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” Fiddleford finally said.

 

“Don’t blame yourself, you were just trying to do what you thought was right.” Ford reassured him. “Besides, now I should be able to bring him home….”

 

“Wh-what?” The old hillbilly asked apprehensively.

 

Ford gave no reply.

 

“Stanford, tell me you destroyed that contraption!”

 

The old researcher could only look away in shame.

 

“Saltlickin’ skullduggery, don’t tell me you’ve kept it runnin’ all these years!”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, if I’d been running it all these years it would’ve destabilized a long time ago, you know that!” Ford snapped back. “I’ve only been running it for the past couple of weeks.” He added sheepishly. 

 

Fiddleford shook his head in disbelief. “Don’t ya care about what’ll happen to the world!? To yer family!?”

 

“I’m doing this  _ for my family _ !” Stanford retorted. “Don’t you think I know the risks? I’ve spent the past 30 years looking for another way! If there was one, I’d have found it!”

 

“Ya can’t actually believe yer brother’s still alive! Ya gotta move on Stanford!”

 

The kids watched them apprehensively as tension rose between the two old friends.

 

“What if it had been your family!? If it’d been your son you wouldn’t rest as long as there was even a shred of a chance to bring him home!”

 

Fiddleford didn’t have a reply for that. He took Ford’s hands in his own. “I see I can’t stop ya, but please, I’m beggin’ ya, as a friend, _ tear it down _ .”

* * *

  
  


An awkward silence persisted the entire drive back. Nevertheless, when the arrived home, Ford entered with a grim determination. He made a B-line for the utility closet and started digging around for something.

 

“We just wanted to help you and McGucket,” Mabel finally piped up, “but I feel like we just made things worse!”

 

Stanford found what he was looking for in the closet and turned to his niblings with a small, hopeful smile. “You did help me! I’m already beginning to remember things I never even realized I’d forgotten. Dipper, may I see that Journal I gave you?”

 

“Of course.” Dipper pulled it out of his vest and handed it to his uncle. Ford opened the book and switched on the thing he’d pulled out of the closet: a black light. In seconds, glowing messages appeared on the pages. “Invisible ink!”

 

“Yes! And look here!” The old researcher lead the kids into the library and grabbed Journal 1 off the shelf. He flipped through it until he found the page containing the portal’s blueprint. The blacklight revealed a hastily scribbled list of settings and coordinates. “This is what I’ve been missing this whole time! I could potentially bring Stanley home tonight!”

 

“Let’s do it!” Mabel cheered. 

 

Dipper was a little less enthusiastic. He was worried by the  _ other  _ message left in invisible ink besides the portal settings.

 

> _ It must not fall into the wrong hands! If the clock ever reaches zero, our universe is doomed! Total Global Destruction! _

 

“Not just yet.” Ford shook his head. “Fiddleford is right, opening this portal does have the potential to end the universe as we know it. So before I open it, I need to be ready to contain it. I’ve already got some ideas, it might take a week or two to build, but I know it’s possible.”

 

The kids shared a look, and nodded with determination.

 

“Where do we start?” Dipper asked.


	26. Choices are Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which several difficult choices are made.

Mabel skipped happily down the driveway to their mailbox. The mail box the actual postman used, not the mysterious all-knowing one that had blown up after she’d tried to use it to send a video tape to her mom. She was still kinda miffed that her mom would never get to see her stuff gummy worms up her nose. 

 

But that didn’t matter! Today was the day! The past two weeks had been packed! They’d teamed up with Soos and Wendy to help Grunkle Ford put together what Ford called a rift containment unit. Mabel called it a sciencey snow globe, because that’s what it looked like. It’d been a lot of hard work, and on top of that there’d been plenty of the usual Gravity Falls shenanigans. There’d been Soos’s birthday, the Woodstick Festival, and a big fancy party at the Northwest’s mansion, which had involved time travel, a love-god, and a vengeful ghost, respectively. But now all that cray-cray stuff was taken care of, the sciencey snow globe was finished, and Ford had started the final activation sequence of the portal last night while they were at the party. It was set to finally open this afternoon! They were taking the morning off to relax before the big moment, and Mabel had decided to go out and get the mail this morning so that her Grunkle could sleep in a bit. He certainly deserved it.

 

The colorful girl sang happily to herself as she grabbed a stack of letters out of the mailbox and skipped back home. There was a letter from their parents, a  _ Weird Things Weekly _ magazine for Dipper, and a couple of grown-up letters for Ford. She didn’t pay much attention to those. 

 

When she returned to the kitchen, Dipper was already up and poking worriedly at his bowl of cereal. She handed him his magazine but he barely seemed to notice it. 

 

“What’s up, broseph?” Mabel asked, “Today’s the big day! You should be excited!”

 

Dipper poked at his cereal with his spoon some more. “I talked to McGucket at the party last night.” He said slowly.

 

“That’s great, how’s he doing now that he’s getting his memories back and stuff?”

 

“He’s… scared.” Dipper replied slowly. “He… he asked me to try and talk Ford out of opening the portal. He said ‘Stanford won’t listen to me, but maybe he’d see reason if it was from a family member.’ Mabel, what if he’s right? What if this really does cause the end of the world?”

 

“Come on Dipper, Grunkle Ford knows the risks, that’s why we spent the last two weeks building a sciencey snow globe!” His sister reminded him.

 

“But Ford’s not even sure if the rift containment unit will even work! And he doesn’t even know if his brother is still alive! We’re risking literally  _ everything _ on two big  _ ifs _ . I don’t like it.”

 

“That’s what you  _ do _ for family, Dipper!” Mabel insisted, folding her arms as if that settled it.

 

“I’m more worried about what’ll happen to my family members I  _ already _ know.”

 

Mabel sighed in exasperation. “Alright, fine, try and talk Grunkle Ford out of it if you want, but I don’t think it’ll work!” She stomped out of the kitchen and over to Ford’s room. 

 

She was only going to slip his mail under the door and make sure he was still sleeping in, but as she approached Ford’s bedroom she could hear muffled screaming. Mabel threw the door open to find her Grunkle in the throes of a night terror. He was tangled up in his sheets and yelling incomprehensibly into his pillow. The only word she could consistently make out was “No!” which seemed to pop up every few breaths. 

 

“Grunkle Ford, wake up!” Mabel shouted while attempting to rip the covers off him. This did the trick, and Ford blinked at her blearily. The fear drained from his face as he focused on Mabel. She didn’t ask him if he’d had a nightmare, because that much was obvious. Instead she asked him, “Do you need a hug?”

 

She didn’t need to ask twice. Ford took her into his arms and held her tightly, reassuring himself she was really there. It was just a dream, a plain old dream born of his own fears and not some trick of Bill’s. A dream where the Portal hadn’t reunited him with his brother, but spirited away what was left of his family. But it wasn’t real. He wouldn’t let that happen. 

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Mabel asked, snuggling into his soft flannel PJ’s. Ford simply shook his head. They sat like that for thirty seconds or so until all lingering effects of the night terror had left him.

 

“Thank you, Mabel.” Ford finally said hoarsely as he got up out of bed. 

 

“Are you excited for today?!” The girl asked, her own excitement clear in her voice.

 

Excitement was just one of many emotions warring for dominance in Stanford’s mind right now. Fear and apprehension were also making serious bids for control, and for the first time in too long, joy and hope were actually holding their own. 

 

“‘Excited’ doesn’t seem adequate.” He smiled.

 

“I brought you the mail!” Mabel stooped down and picked up a pair of letters she’d dropped in the doorway when she’d found him having the nightmare. 

 

He thanked her and took the envelopes as she left in a grinning flurry of color and glitter. Ford frowned when he saw the warning printed in red in on the first one.  _ Notice of due payment #2. _ Ah, his electric bill. It was the first week of August and he still hadn’t covered June’s payment, much less July’s. And considering July was when he’d started up the portal, he knew it was going to be a doozy. 

 

He opened the envelope, just to see how bad the damage was. Yikes. He couldn’t afford that! Especially not since he’d been paying Soos and Wendy for their hours helping construct the rift containment unit without taking on any more repair jobs. The amount of money he owed was disheartening, yet it was hard to take the electric company’s passive-aggressive warnings seriously when he wasn’t even sure if the town would still be standing this time tomorrow. He decided he’d worry about that later, if the world didn't end.

* * *

  
  


Fiddleford McGucket was in a quandary. He was certain the portal would bring about the end of the world, but for all his mechanical genius and returning memories, he couldn't seem to think of what to  _ do _ about it. He’d begun building a giant robot, as that was his solution to just about everything, but then he'd remembered Stanford had mentioned the portal had already been running for a couple of weeks. If it were crushed by a robot at this point, it may destabilize the transuniversal polydimensional metavortex. His attempts to talk some sense into his old friend had gotten him nowhere, and his plea to Dipper to do the same was more likely than not to fail. That didn't leave him a lot of options. He could go to Ford's house right now and try to stop him, but the old inventor didn't see that going very well. He could pack up and run, but when the world was ending, where could you run to?

 

These were the thought that swirled through McGucket’s mind as he sat at the counter in Greasy’s Diner, downing mug after mug of coffee. 

 

“... Energy levels are growing exponentially by the hour! If we don't find what's causing it soon--” he overheard a rising voice from the booth at the very back corner of the diner.

 

“Keep it down, Trigger. Blowing our cover won't bring us any closer to solving this case.” A sterner voice shushed the first. 

 

Fiddleford glanced surreptitiously over his shoulder and checked the booth in the back corner. Two serious men in black suits were in the middle of a heated conversation. One was younger and had spikey blonde hair. The other was middle-aged, his black hair balding. His mustache was quite impressive. 

 

“Thirty years ago Washington picked up similar energy readings originating from this same town.” The black-haired man said. “Now the boys at the Pentagon are counting on us to find the connection between them, and if possible, figure out what's causing them all. We need to follow every lead we come across, no matter how unlikely it may seem.”

 

“I still say the lead with that Gideon kid was a waste of time.” Trigger sulked.

 

“Rookie, when you’ve been working for the agency as long as I have, you learn how to turn every set-back to your advantage. Gleeful may have tried to throw us off the trail with his phoney 'Science Teacher is the mastermind’ story, but he definitely knew  _ something. _ We just need to separate the fact from the fiction.”

 

McGucket tried to keep his cool. Was he really listening in on two government agents right now? Maybe, just maybe, they could stop the portal. If only he could get them to listen to him. The old man took a deep breath and did his best to stand up straight.

 

“Excuse me gentlemen, sorry to eavesdrop on an obviously private conversation, but I can tell y'all 'xactly what's causin’ those there energy signals!”

 

The agents looked at the old coot skeptically. McGucket knew his reputation was getting in the way here. How could he make them believe him?

 

“I was there thirty years ago when it all happened! Back then, the readings y'all were pickin’up would've started sometime in the late summer, gettin’ stronger an’ stronger 'til they suddenly stopped…” he paused as he strained to remember. “...in… in February 'o ‘82.”

 

“That's classified information! How do you know that!?” Trigger demanded, but his partner put a hand up to silence him.

 

“Agent Powers.” He introduced himself. “We'd appreciate it if you could tell us everything you know about these phenomena.”

 

“It's a transuniversal polydimensional metavortex! But it's unstable! The whole thing’s gonna tear itself apart catastrophically if it keeps goin’!”

 

The agents shared a look. “That checks out with what the guys at the lab have been saying.” Trigger confirmed.

 

“Can you tell us how to find this vortex?” Powers asked.

 

McGucket hesitated, despite everything. Telling these government agents everything could stop the portal, but… it could also get Stanford in a heap of trouble. He didn't want his old friend to be locked up in some federal prison for the rest of his life.

 

“First of all, ya gotta understand. The fella who's doin’ this ain't a bad man.” Fiddleford explained, “He jus’... well, t’be honest I ain’t sure ‘xactly what happened. Somethin’ started messin’ with his head, an’ now he’s jus’ tryin’ t’keep his family safe. Please, can ya promise me yer not gonna lock him up?”

 

“Of course.” Powers said, his expression remaining completely neutral. Trigger looked shocked, but didn’t say anything.

 

The old inventor hesitated again. He couldn’t help but feel like he was betraying his old friend, but… this was for the greater good. “Alright. Stanford Pines is the man you want. 618 Gopher Road. He’s got his brother’s grandkids for the summer, so you gotta be careful they don’t get caught up in all this.”

 

“Wait, so it really was the science teacher!?” Trigger asked incredulously.

 

“Thank you for your cooperation.” Powers said to McGucket, getting up from their booth. “Come on Trigger, we’ve got work to do.”

 

“We’re not really gonna let this ‘Pines’ guy walk, are we?” Trigger asked his partner as they drove off in their government-issued black car.

 

“Of course not, I just said that to keep him talking. Call in Special-Ops. We're going to see if this Stanford Pines is really our man.”

* * *

  
  


It was such a beautiful day, it was hard to worry about the end of the world. It was hot, but not oppressively so. The air smelled like sunblock, fresh-cut grass, and gunpowder as they lit fireworks off the roof. Dipper found it easier to push his concerns to the back of his mind with each colorful explosion and hearty laugh with his family. He was actually enjoying himself. It had looked like their fun would be cut short when the cops showed up, but Ford had gotten rid of them by assuring them the fireworks weren’t illegal because he’d made them himself. Luckily the cops hadn’t realized that home-made fireworks were even  _ more  _ illegal and left the family to carry on. Now they were cooling off with a water-balloon fight and popsicles. 

 

Ford was sitting on the couch, sipping from a can of Pitt. “I wish moments like this could last forever.” He sighed.

 

Dipper dodged another water balloon from Mabel, then raised his popsicle up for a toast. “To Grunkle Ford, for the best day ever!”

 

“And it’s only gonna get better!” Mabel said with a wink, then burst her last water balloon right over Dipper’s head. 

 

The old scientist chuckled. “How do you two do it? You make getting along look so easy.”

 

They giggled and shoved each other good-naturedly. “Don’t worry, we’ve still got plenty of Summer left to drive each other crazy!” Mabel grinned.

 

Ford’s smile faltered. “I-I need to go… go check on the you-know-what.” He got up and left rather quickly. He walked around to the other side of the house and sat down heavily on the other porch. He  _ hoped  _ there was still plenty of Summer left. Even if there was… things were going to change. If the kids saw how broken his relationship with Stanley was, how would they react? 

 

His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed a glowing red dot right over his heart. His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to call out to the kids, but before he got a word out, a masked man, all dressed in black, tackled him to the ground.

 

“Target secure, take the house!” The masked man said into a walkie-talkie. In seconds there were helicopters overhead and more masked men swarming around the house. Ford could hear reports coming in over the walkie-talkie. _ “Kids are secure, roof team go!” “Clear!” “Clear!” “Pig secure, we have secured a pig!” _

 

“Who are you guys?” Ford demanded as he was shoved against a black humvee and handcuffed, “What do you want?”

 

A balding middle-aged man with an impressive mustache walked up. “My name is Agent Powers,” He pointed to a younger man with spiky hair who was currently holding Mabel and Dipper back, “This is Agent Trigger. We’re with the government, and we received an anonymous tip that you’re behind the rapidly increasing paranormal energy signals originating from Gravity Falls over the past month.”

 

Ford was doing his best not to freak out. He was usually a bad liar, but today, more than ever, he needed to pull it off. He concentrated on his intellect and buried his rampaging emotions. “This… this is some sort of joke, right? I’m a science teacher! Are you with the Class of ‘92 reunion? Is this some sort of class reunion prank?”

 

“I assure you, it is not.” Powers said seriously. “I was born with a rare disorder that makes me incapable of experiencing humor, so pranks of any kind are completely useless. We’re here to find an incredibly dangerous doomsday device!” 

 

“There’s no doomsday device here, you’ve got this all wrong!” Mabel cried.

 

Powers ignored her. “I’ll take the old man in for questioning. Trigger, you take the kids”

* * *

  
  
  


Ford had never been arrested before, so being processed at the Gravity Falls Police department was a new and nerve-racking experience for him. He did his best to distance himself emotionally and mentally from the situation. If he could play dumb and throw them off the trail long enough, then… then none of it would matter, one way or another. 

 

If he wasn’t there when the portal opened, there would be no one to contain the rift when it inevitably destabilized! If only he could convince these agents that he was trying to  _ stop _ doomsday, not cause it! But no, if the government knew about the portal, they’d undoubtedly try and recreate it, no matter how dangerous.

 

Agent Powers led him into the interrogation room and cuffed his arms behind the chair. “Stanford Pines, you stand accused of possessing radioactive waste without a permit, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?” He asked.

 

“Innocent!” Ford insisted as firmly as he could. “And don’t think I don’t know my rights! I’m not saying anything else until I get my phone call and a lawyer!” He needed to stall them as long as possible. Finding a lawyer in Gravity Falls would keep them busy for a while, because Quentin Trembly had outlawed them in the town charter.

 

Powers’ face remained stern and emotionless as he got up and grabbed a cordless phone from the wall. 

 

“Can I get a little privacy?” Ford asked as the agent handed him the phone.

 

“Very well.” Powers said sternly as he left.

 

Ford thought hard about who was his best option to call. His first instinct was to call the kids’ parents and let them know what had happened, but no, his first priority should be finding  _ some _ way to make sure  _ someone _ was there to contain the rift when the portal opened. But his options there were very limited. The kids were in custody too, and his attempts to talk with Fiddleford over the past few weeks had always just devolved into his old friend trying to convince him to shut the portal down before it was too late. That left Soos and Wendy. Ford didn’t like the idea of involving them; this wasn’t their problem, it wasn’t their family member he was trying to bring back. But there was no one else left he could trust with this. He only had the one call, and Wendy rarely answered her phone. Soos it was.

 

Ford had to call Agent Powers back in and ask him to dial Soos’ number for him, then ask him to leave again. He could swear he could detect a hint of annoyance under the agent’s serious exterior. 

 

“Soos! I need your help!” He exclaimed the second the phone picked up.

 

“Dr. Pines?” Soos asked in surprise, “I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.”

 

“Yes, but don’t worry about that.” the old scientist glanced over at the mirror to his right. It was undoubtedly a two-way. They were watching and listening to him at this very moment. He had to be careful what he said. “You remember what we’ve been working on for the past couple of weeks, for the you-know-what?”

 

“Yyyyeah.” Soos said slowly.

 

“I need you to operate it for me.”

 

“Whoa, really? But, I don’t know the first thing about other-dimension-portal thingies!” Soos said apprehensively, “I mean, I know I helped you build the snowglobe thing, but--”

 

“Soos, there’s no one else who  _ can _ do it! If there’s no one there to contain that rift when it’s formed, it’ll mean the end...” He probably shouldn’t say ‘End of the world’ while the agents were listening.

 

“Right, uh, so no pressure.” The young mechanic chuckled nervously.

 

“And… someone need to be there for… for--” Ford stammered. He couldn’t seem to get the words out.

 

“You want someone to be there for your brother when he gets back?” Soos supplied.

 

“I’d prefer to be there myself, but… chances are I won’t be able to.”

 

“Alright, so tell me what I gotta do.”

 

“Get the containment unit out of the garage and bring it into the library.” He hesitated, thinking how he could walk Soos through how to open the secret passage behind the bookcase and get down into the portal lab without giving it away to the agents. “And… and find a book even I’d find boring. Make sure the shelves are safe.”

 

“Uh, ok, but what’s that got to do with anything?”

 

Their call was interrupted by a hammering knock on the door. “Pines, you’ve got thirty more seconds!”

 

Ford’s heart leapt into his throat. He was out of time! “The containment unit should be easy. Use the globe to scoop up the rift, don’t touch it with anything else! Then screw the base on tight before inverting it. Connect the tubes and press the red button, that should do the trick.”

 

The door opened. “Time’s up.” Powers barked.

 

“And tell him I’m sorry I couldn’t be there!” Ford finished quickly, before Powers hung up on him.

 

The tension in the room was palpable as the interrogation started.

 

“So, you graduated top of your class from Backupsmore University?” Agent Powers asked conversationally, although Stanford could see the steeley intensity in his eyes.

 

“I told you, I’ve got nothing to say until I’ve talked with a lawyer.”

 

“Well in that case, we may as well take you in to Washington now, seeing as there  _ are _ no lawyers in Gravity Falls.”

 

“... _ Fine _ .” Ford hissed through clenched teeth. They’d figured that one out faster than he’d thought.

 

“So, as I was saying, you were top of your class, earned your PhD three years ahead of schedule, and wrote an award-winning thesis. How did such a promising, academically acclaimed man such as yourself come to spend thirty years in a backwoods town like this?”

 

“I… I was burnt out from the rigors of academia. I settled down out here to find some peace and quiet.” The old scientist lied.

 

“And so you became a highschool teacher?” The agent raised an eyebrow. “Not exactly what I’d call a peaceful work environment. Going back to your college days, it seems you took a lot of classes in theoretical physics, specifically multidimensional paradigms and time-space anomalies.”

 

“Well of course I was studying a lot of theoretical physics, that was my PhD emphasis!” Ford bristled. “What are you trying to get at here?” Of course, he had a pretty good idea what they were trying to get at here, but he was going to keep playing dumb as long as he possibly could.

 

“You have the knowledge to build a machine capable of tearing the fabric of reality, something that could destroy the world as we know it. And you have the motive to use it.”

 

“What!?” Did… did they  _ know _ ? Did they _ actually _ know why he was doing this? Did they know about Stan!?

 

“When you were a senior in highschool you were in the running for a scholarship to West Coast Tech, which they denied you rather harshly. Being rejected so brutally at a formative point in your life, after undoubtedly being ridiculed for years because of a physical deformity, probably soured your worldview. After everything humanity’s done to you, you’d like to see it all burn down, wouldn’t you?”

 

Oh. No, they were just incredibly stupid. “Seriously!? Of all the ludicrous things you’ve accused me of today, that is by far the most insulting! I don’t want the world to end, I’m trying to save it!”

 

“So you are up to  _ something _ .” Powers said with a hint of triumph.

 

_ Crap. _ “I-I mean… as a teacher, I’m… I’m preparing the, uh, the next gener--”

 

“Don’t try and play dumb with me, Pines, what do you have to do with the paranormal energy bursts? Your twisted mind may think you’re saving the world, but the tests the lab guys have been running say otherwise!”

 

Stanford didn’t know how to respond to that. He hadn’t meant to give anything away, but could he salvage his facade at this point? Maybe… maybe he could play this off to get the agents to let him go? Maybe he could just explain that if they let him go he’d take care of the portal and they’d never see any more paranormal energy surges from it after today.

 

No, not a chance. They’d undoubtedly seize the portal for themselves, and the last thing he needed was worrying about what the government would do under Bill’s influence.

 

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ford said lamely. It wasn’t fooling anybody, but he didn’t have to tell this guy anything! He just had to stall for another… he glance at his watch… four hours!?

 

“You want to play the long game?” Powers asked calmly, “I can play the long game.”

 

Suddenly, they both felt a sense of weightlessness. Everything in the room started floating, as if they were in free-fall. Ford’s phone beeped from the evidence box in the corner. In just a second it was over, and everything fell back into place. The only evidence that anything had happened were a few droplets of coffee that had spilled out of its mug. 

 

“What was that!?” Powers demanded.

 

“Uh… a baby-sized earthquake?” Ford said sheepishly.

* * *

  
  
  


Mabel and Dipper had escaped Agent Trigger and were now sneaking back towards the Gravity Falls Police Department. They knew they needed to save Grunkle Ford and get back to the portal before it opened, but how? They were already running out of time!

 

“Ok, here’s the plan!” Mabel whispered excitedly as they watched the agents guarding the station. “I’ll take out the guards on the left, you roundhouse the guards on the right, and then we’ll ninja-roll through the front door!”

 

“Uh Mabel…” Dipper mimed using the grappling hook.

 

She sighed. “Fine, if you wanna take all the fun out of it.”

 

They grappled up onto the roof, where they found a large vent. Dipper pulled out a pocket knife and unscrewed the cover. He could’ve punched it open like he did at the haunted convenience store, but they wanted to do this as quietly as possible. 

 

They dropped down into the police building.

 

“Ok, let’s find out where they’re keeping Ford.” Dipper breathed as he looked around quietly. Mabel nodded in silent agreement. 

 

“Gon’ getcha, gon’ getcha!” 

 

The young twins jumped when they realized they weren’t alone. They saw the two local police officers, Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland, playing with a Piñata. Blubs was blindfolded and swinging for the Piñata with a nightstick. Durland had the Piñata strung up on a pole and was moving it in and out of Blubs’ reach. Bafflingly, he was  _ also _ blindfolded.

 

“I don’t think you guys are playing this right.” Mabel commented.

 

“Mabel!” Dipper shushed her. Luckily the officers paid them no mind.

 

The kids snuck over to the door and cracked it open, peeking out into the hallway. Agents clad in black were swarming all over the place excitedly. However, they noticed there were two agents just standing there, on either side of a door further down the hall. 

 

“Bingo,” Dipper said like he was in a spy movie or something.

 

“How’re we gonna sneak past all those guys running everywhere?” Mabel wondered.

 

Dipper smirked and pulled out one last homemade firework he’d been saving. “What do you think would happen if we lit this off in the vents?”

* * *

  
  
  


The agents were hurrying about, making sure everything was ready for when they flew off to Washington in just a few minutes. They were a secret agency, so this mostly involved removing any evidence they had ever been there. There was also a guy assigned to download every scrap of data relating to the case onto one thumbdrive. 

 

Their bustle was interrupted when there was a sudden resounding crash that echoed through the ceiling and walls of the building. Smoke poured out of the vents, and the whole place smelled like burning gunpowder.

 

“We’re under attack!” One agent yelled, and several of them scrambled outside to find their would-be assailants. 

 

Powers burst out of the interrogation room. “What is going on here!?”

 

“Sir, there was an explosion,” an agent told him.

 

“Yes,” Powers said dryly, “I surmised as much. Where did it come from!?”

 

“We’ve scrambled a reconnaissance team to find out!” 

 

“That’s not enough! I want  _ everyone _ combing the premises until we find the source of that explosion!” He turned to the two agents who’d been standing guard over the interrogation room, “Except you two, stay here and guard Pines until the chopper arrives.”

 

The agents all searched the hall but found nothing. One of them opened the door to the break-room, only to be greeted by Sheriff Blubs. 

 

“What’s all this hubbub?” Blubs asked.

 

“There was an explosion of unknown origin.” The same captain obvious who’d informed Agent Powers replied, “Sheriff, did you see anything?”

 

“Nope.” Blubs said.

 

“Blubs, hold me! I’m scerd!” Deputy Durland cried.

 

“There, there, Durlan’, it’s ok.” The sheriff comforted him, “Let’s go get ya some icecream, will that cheer ya up?”

 

Durland sniffed. “Y-yeah.”

 

The local officers left down the hall. Blubs paused and looked back. “Hey, new guy, ya wanna come get icecream with us?”

 

“Uh… I’m kinda in the middle of work.” The agent said awkwardly.

 

“Aw, c’mon, who’s gonna know?” Durland pressured him.

 

“Oh, alright, but just for icecream, then I gotta come right back.” The agent relented.

 

A few seconds after they’d left, Dipper poked his head out of the door and sighed with relief. All the agents had vacated the hall. Now all they had to deal with were those two guards. 

 

“I don’t think a distraction’s gonna work for these guys.” The boy said thoughtfully.

 

“These are highly trained government guys,” Mabel observed, “We’re gonna have to hit ‘em with something the government never trained them for!”

 

“What, like magic?” Dipper asked.

 

Mabel shook her head and grinned. “ _ Mabel _ .”

* * *

  
  
  


Being a guard was not as easy as it looked. You had to remain constantly vigilant despite the fact that you job was, more often than not, mind-numbingly boring. And when it  _ wasn’t  _ boring, it turned life-threatening. Usually. Today was not one of those days.

 

It was just embarrassing.

 

He’d been doing his job pretty well, he thought, until a little girl in bright pink had come out of nowhere and barreled straight into his chest. In his defense, he’d been completely caught off guard, and the girl was much stronger than her age and size would suggest. But it was still an utter embarrassment that she managed to actually knock him over. And that wasn’t even the worst of it! She then proceeded to  _ tickle _ him! She found all the gaps in his kevlar armor and wiggled her fingers under it, until he was laughing so hard he could barely breath. He was completely incapacitated!

 

His partner had been about to call for back-up when a little boy, about the same age and size as the girl, tried to tackle his partner as well! But the boy was not nearly as strong or as good at tickling as the girl, so his attack wasn’t nearly as successful. He probably would have failed to stop them from calling back up, if it hadn’t been for gravity giving way that very second. 

 

Now, the guard’s partner was relatively new to the whole Paranormal Secret Agent thing, so he wasn’t physically or emotionally prepared for this. At all. 

 

“Wha--augh! Aaaaah! Waaaahaha what is happening!?” He screamed, flailing about in a panic. The boy took advantage of the loss in gravity to kick the second guard down the hall, while he held on to the door handle. The guard floated away, out of control.

 

The boy tried to turn the handle. “It’s locked!” He called to his sister (the guard could see the family resemblance now).

 

The girl continued her tickling with one hand and searched the remaining guard’s pockets with the other. Then, mercifully, the tickling stopped. He could only float there, struggling to regain his breath and get his giggling under control.

 

“Got it!” The girl held up a ring of keys triumphantly. She found the right key almost immediately and unlocked the door.

 

The guard knew he was so fired.

* * *

  
  
  


This was the biggest gravity anomaly he was going to get before the event itself, so Ford knew if he was going to escape, it was now or never. Luckily, something had exploded outside and Agent Powers had gone to investigate, leaving Ford on his own. As everything in the room floated up like it was in freefall, the old scientist was able to lift his arms up and around the back of the chair, effectively freeing himself. He kicked off the wall and glided across the room to the door. Now, figuring out how to open it while weightless with his hands cuffed behind his back was going to be tricky, but--

 

Someone tried to open the door from the other side. “It’s locked!” a familiar voice called. It was Dipper!

 

“Got it!” Mabel’s voice responded. He heard a key turn in the lock, and next thing he knew, he was face to face with his great niblings!

 

“Kids!” He exclaimed happily.

 

“Grunkle Ford!” They both hugged him.

 

Mabel found a handcuff key on the key-ring she’d swiped and freed Ford’s hands. They made their way down the hall before gravity returned. Ford punched out the first guard, who had finally been recovering from Mabel’s tickle attack. The second guard was still freaking out as he floated along the hallway. The family reached the exit just as gravity returned to normal. Mabel locked the door behind them, trapping a handful of agents inside. Most of the other agents had just crashed back down to the ground after floating several feet up into the air. They needed to get a move on before those government guys recovered. 

 

“Look, there’s a cab!” Dipper pointed out.

 

“I haven’t got any money; they confiscated my wallet!” Ford groaned. Not to mention there was next to nothing in his bank account right now.

 

Dipper facepalmed. “I should’ve stolen that guard’s wallet…” Ford thought he heard him mutter. Then the boy perked up. “Wait, Mabel, let me see that key ring you stole from the guard!”

 

She handed it to him, and sure enough, there was a car fob! He hit the panic button, and a Humvee to their left started flashing its lights and honking. He tossed the keys to his uncle. Ford hopped into the driver’s seat, reving it to life and taking off before he’d even closed his door.

 

“Seatbelts.” He reminded them out of habit, more than anything.

 

It wasn’t long before the rest of the government agents were following them. Ford groaned with frustration. He was not ready to have a high-speed car chase with a bunch of highly trained government agents.

 

Mabel rolled down the window as they raced down the street and waved to Tyler, who was just picking himself up outside the Skull Fracture Bar. Ford was about to tell her now was  _ not _ the time to be waving to friends, when she called two words to the cute biker.

 

“Get ‘em!” She yelled, pointing back toward the pursuing agents. 

 

Tyler paused only a moment before echoing back “Get ‘im! Get ‘im!” Suddenly bikers were pouring out of the bar, getting on their motorcycles, and harassing the government guys.

 

Ford couldn’t believe this was happening, but he wasn’t about to complain. He just stepped on it and sped off for home.

 

The alarm on Ford’s phone was going off as they pulled into the driveway. They had a matter of minutes before the portal opened. Which was probably about how long it would take the government to catch up with them. 

* * *

 

In the library they found Soos, and several unconscious agents, including Agent Trigger. Everyone looked at the young mechanic in disbelief.

 

“Oh, hey dudes! You missed it, I totally had to throw down!”

 

“Soos… how!?” Dipper asked in shock.

 

“I’ve been taking karate since I was like ten, dawg!” He said proudly. “Remember that photo of me breaking boards in my abuelita’s house?”

 

Ford shook his head in disbelief and pushed his way past them to the bookshelf nearest the door into the kitchen. “Do you have the rift containment unit?” He asked Soos.

 

“Got it!” Soos held it up triumphantly. “I had a hard time finding that book you wanted though.”

 

“That’s ok. I didn’t exactly get the chance to tell you what to do,” Ford sighed, pulling the book in question back and revealing the secret panel in the woodwork. He punched in the code quickly, not even caring if anyone saw this time. It wouldn’t matter in just a few minutes. He took the containment unit from Soos and bolted down the stairs two at a time. He didn’t even take the time to tell the others to wait upstairs where it was safe. They all followed him dutifully. 

 

Things in the portal lab seemed to be in working order, despite the increasingly powerful gravity anomalies. The old scientist pulled out the Journals and began checking the settings on several instruments, assuring that nothing was out of place. He paused at a particular page, his heart sinking as he read his own frantic writing revealed by a black-light he’d installed just a couple of weeks ago.

 

> _ I was wrong the whole time! The machine was meant to create knowledge, but it is  _ _ too powerful _ _. I was deceived, and now it is too late. The device, if fully operational, could  _ _ tear our universe apart! _ _ It must not fall into the wrong hands. If the clock ever reaches zero, our universe is doomed! _

 

“Uh, Grunkle Ford?” Dipper stammered, reading over his shoulder. He met the boy’s eyes, and in that moment he could see how scared his nephew was. “Do… do you really have to do this?”

 

Ford nodded silently, but he found himself turning to the page that detailed the manual override. “I’m scared too.” was all he said.

 

“You should be.” A new voice said behind them. They all whipped around only to find Agent Trigger standing behind them, his gun drawn.

 

“Aw man, I forgot to shut the door behind me!” Soos facepalmed.

 

“Pines, think about what you’re doing! Think about these kids! Don’t you want them to have a future?”

 

“Of course I do! I just--”

 

“Then shut it down!” Trigger yelled.

 

“I...I….”

 

They all jumped as the largest monitor over their heads beeped, showing a countdown of a minute and 30 seconds.”

 

“ _ Quickly _ !” The agent insisted, pointing his gun at Ford. 

 

“I-it… it’s too late…” The old researcher said quietly, although there was no conviction in his voice.

 

Trigger cocked his gun.

 

“No it’s not!” Dipper swiped the Journal Ford had been holding and showed it to Agent Trigger. “There’s a manual override!”

 

“Dipper, what are you doing!?” Mabel cried, shocked.

 

“I’m protecting this family,” The boy responded with steeley determination.

 

Trigger skimmed the page Dipper had shown him. “We’ll need three people.” He stared down the remaining members of the Pines family.

 

Ford sighed. “Fine.”

 

“What!?” Mabel gasped, “Grunkle Ford, no! What about your brother Stanley!?”

 

The old man’s heart sank, and he turned sadly to his great niece. “I was wrong. It’s… it’s just too great a risk.”

 

Ford, Dipper, and Trigger all entered the portal room on the opposite side of the blast-shield and found a console with three keys. The ground was beginning to shake as they turned them. The main control-lever in the center of the room creaked as the panel on top swung off to reveal a large red button. The shutdown switch.

 

Agent Trigger strode purposefully towards the lever, but he didn’t get very far before Mabel tackled him the the ground.

 

“No!” She cried, “You can’t!”

 

“Mabel!” Dipper called out to her worriedly. 

 

“Get off me, kid! This is for your own good! Whatever your uncle’s told you is on the other side of that portal, it can’t be worth the end of the world!”

 

The ground shook harder than it ever had before, and the alarm on Ford’s phone went off again. “Brace yourselves!” The old man yelled. “This is the biggest one!”

 

Everyone scrambled to hold onto something as gravity gave out again and everything went into freefall. Mabel grabbed onto a cable on the ground. Dipper was holding onto a support beam. Soos had wedged himself in the door frame. Ford was clinging to the console with the keys. Agent Trigger was uselessly waving his arms, trying to swim his way over to the shut-down switch.

 

“Agent Trigger, you gotta hold on to something!” Dipper warned him.

 

“Not until this doomsday machine is shut down!” the agent shouted.

 

“ _ T- minus thirty-five seconds _ .” the countdown sounded over the lab’s PA system. 

 

Suddenly the portal flashed, and a wave radiated from its glowing center. It pushed everyone back against the wall and sent debris flying. A large pipe pinned Stanford down, and a panel of sheet metal struck Agent Trigger in the head, knocking him out cold. 

 

Mabel was the only one close to the shut-down switch now; the cable had tethered her to the spot. The ring of symbols around the portal was now glowing different colors and spinning, making a hypnotic rainbow effect. Everything, from the portal to the computers, was humming loudly.

 

“Mabel, hurry!” Dipper shouted over the din, “Shut it down!”

 

“No!” Mabel shook her head, looking up at Trigger’s prone form. “We don’t have to worry about him and his gun anymore!”

 

“He’s not what I’m worried about! This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!” Her brother pleaded.

 

Mabel pulled herself along to the lever, then looked to her uncle. “Grunkle Ford…?” She asked, as if asking him to make the decision for her.

 

“I-I...I…” Ford stammered. Here it was. The moment of truth, and he was faced with the same decision he’d been unable to make for the past thirty years. He was paralysed with fear and indecision. The words of the agents rang through his mind, his own warnings too. This was the end of the world, no, the universe! Could he really be sure the rift containment unit would work? And yet there was one voice undermining all these arguments.

 

“ _ Don’t give up on me and I won’t give up on you _ .”

 

“ _ T- minus ten… nine… _ ” The computer started.

 

“I don’t know!” The old researcher finally cried.

 

Mabel looked from her uncle, to her brother, to the button as the countdown continued. “Grunkle Ford, I trust you,” She said, her voice cracking, “Even if you don’t trust yourself!”

 

With that, she let go of the lever, floating away.

 

“Mabel, are you crazy!? We’re all gonna d--”

 

The countdown reached zero and everyone screamed. There was nothing but white light.

 

Was this what the end of the world looked like?


	27. How's That for a Welcome Home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mabel and Dipper meet a new family member and Stan makes several alien swears.

The white light faded, and gravity returned. Everyone fell to the ground with a thud. Dipper groaned and glanced around warrily. It didn't  _ look _ like the world had ended… but how could he be sure?

 

The portal had sustained a lot of damage, but it was still standing. The center was glowing a soft blue, but there was a shape moving within the glow. The shape grew and solidified into the silhouette of a man, but there was something…  _ lopsided _ about the figure. He finally stepped out of the light, and jumped down from the portal with a grunt. That's when they got a good look at him. Despite his scraggly silver hair, scruffy beard, and large, reflective goggles, it was easy to see this was Stanford's twin brother. Dipper even briefly wondered if they were actually identical twins, or just remarkably similar fraternal twins. 

 

The most noticeable difference was the reason his silhouette had looked so lopsided: his right arm was missing just above the elbow. The corresponding sleeve of his dirty brown leather jacket was roughly torn off, revealing the end of a scarred stump. What could be powerful enough to tear through leather like that? In his remaining hand he gripped a staff. It was simple and black, topped with a red jewel inlaid in gold that reminded Dipper of Pac-Man, or maybe a Pirahna Plant.

 

The boy drank in all these details in just a couple of seconds. Almost as soon as this man had stood fully upright he pulled off his goggles and locked eyes with Stanford.

 

“...Ford?” He breathed with a gruff voice.

 

“Stanley…” Ford said tearfully, like he couldn't quite believe this was happening. The old researcher ran to close the distance between them. Stan opened up his arm and a half to receive his brother in a hug. The two of them just stood there embracing one another for a solid minute without saying anything more. In that moment, Dipper couldn't believe he'd almost stopped this from happening just because he was scared the end of the world  _ might _ happen.

 

Stanley finally pulled away and held his brother at an arm’s length, but only so he could get a better look at him. “You did it! You  _ finally _ did it! You saved me! I always knew you would!”

 

Ford's face fell at this comment, like he'd just realized something horrible. Stan’s expression slowly changed to match his brother’s as he apparently came to the same realization.

 

“It… it _ was _ you, wasn't it?” Stan asked, although his tone implied he already knew the answer.

 

Ford's awkward silence was confirmation enough.

 

Stanley's face twisted into a scowl. “You didn't even  _ try  _ to bring me back, did you!?” He shouted.

 

The old researcher finally found his voice again. “Stanley, you  _ know _ that's not true!”

 

“Oh, you call what you were doin’ twelve years ago  _ trying!? _ ”

 

“I was doing the best I could--”

 

“That's a lie, and you know it!”

 

“-- _ under the circumstances! _ You don't understand how dangerous this portal is! I risked the safety of the entire universe just by leaving it intact!”

 

“Oh, I understand a lot more than you think, nerd!”

 

Suddenly Mabel popped up between them, temporarily ending the argument.

 

“Hey, Mabel here! What the hey-hey are you guys fighting for?” She asked.

 

Dipper thought he had a good idea of why. Less than five minutes ago, Ford had agreed to help him and Agent Trigger shut down the portal, stating that the risk was too great, and when Mabel had asked Ford if she should leave the portal running, he’d simply shouted he didn't know. It seemed somehow Stanley had already figured as much, and took his brother's hesitation personally. But what was all this shouting about twelve years ago? Hadn't Stanley been gone longer than that?

 

“Blitznak, Ford, what the smegg are kids doin’ down here!?” Stan exclaimed when he noticed the young twins, giving Ford a shocked glare.

 

“I hadn't meant for them to be down here, things just… just got out of control.” Ford said. “They're Sherman's Grandkids, Dipper and Mabel.”

 

Stan gave a relieved chuckle. “ _ Phew _ , Shermie’s grandkids,  _ that _ makes sense. Shoulda known you wouldn't settle down and have kids.” He crouched down and offered his left hand to Mabel. She automatically stuck out her right hand to shake with him, but soon realized her mistake. He grinned at her. “Hey, I'm Stan. Sorry, I know it ain't  _ right _ to shake hands like this, but it's all I got  _ left. _ ”

 

Mabel grinned back like he'd just given her a bag of sweets. “Dipper, he's got jokes!”

 

The boy suddenly felt very shy. Well, no, that wasn't quite the word for it. He was just acutely aware of the fact that he'd been set on shutting down the portal. On stopping Stanley from returning.

 

“H-hi.” The boy stammered as he also shook hands with Stan.

 

Stan turned his attention to the last two strangers in the room. “If these two are Shermie's grandkids, then who the grop are these guys?” He pointed his staff first at Soos, and then at Agent Trigger, who was still lying prone on the floor.

 

“Oh my gosh we totally forgot about Trigger!” Dipper cried.

 

“Is he… dead?” Mabel asked worriedly.

 

Ford's heart kicked into overdrive again. Between his elation at finally seeing his brother again and the ensuing argument, he'd completely forgotten about the government agents. Trigger here was just the start of their problems. There were still all the agents Soos had fought upstairs, not to mention Powers and the rest of his team. 

 

“Hopefully he's fine, but either way we need to get him out of here.” he said much more confidently than he felt. “Soos, help me get him back upstairs with the others.”

 

“Hey, don’t think you can get outta explainin’ yourself that easy, Ford!” Stan grumbled.

 

“We'll talk in the elevator.” Ford assured him.

 

The elevator was pretty crowded with the six of them, and especially with Ford and Soos carrying the unconscious agent.

 

“Soos is one of my former students. He helped me build the rift containment unit.” The old researcher finally introduced them.

 

“'Sup dawg?” Soos greeted his new acquaintance cheerfully.

 

“Wha?” Stan grunted, confused by the greeting. When Soos didn't clarify, the old traveler shifted the conversation back to his brother. “So you're still teaching, then?”

 

“Unfortunately.”

 

“And deadweight here is…?”

 

“A government agent.”

 

Stan laughed nervously. “Seriously?”

 

The elevator opened and they carried Trigger up the stairs, where the rest of his team of agents were still knocked out, sprawled across the library.

 

Stan gave a low whistle. “You had a whole team of government agents on your back…”

 

“Well, I'm not the one who fought--”

 

“I am so proud of you!” He slung his good arm around his brother's shoulder.

 

Ford blushed at the praise despite himself. “There are more coming. They should be here any minute now. I'm going to need your help, Stan.”

 

“Now that's what I like to hear!” He grinned, shifting his grip on his staff, holding it like a club. “What's the plan?”

 

Ford handed him an old car key. “She's in the garage and ready to go. I filled her up just a couple of days ago.”

 

Stan's eyes lit up. “We're gonna outrun 'em in the Stanleymobile?”

 

Ford shook his head sadly. “Not me. I need you to take the kids and get as far away from here as possible. I still need to contain that rift; it could destabilize at any moment! I’m not even sure the containment unit will work. If this  _ is  _ the beginning of the end, then you need to put as much distance between yourselves and the rift as possible.”

 

Dipper and Mabel could see Stan deflate from where they were standing. “ _ What. _ ” The old man growled dangerously.

 

“Stan,  _ please _ , you're the only one I can trust with their safety!” Ford pleaded.

 

Stan's face hardened like a stone. “You're  _ never _ gonna change, are ya?”

 

“Stanley…”

 

“C'mon kids, let's get outta here.” Stan stormed out of the house and onto the porch impatiently. 

 

The young twins followed, but they cast a glance back at their first Grunkle. Ford just nodded them on.

 

“I'm sorry.” Ford called to them as they left. “I didn't want it to be this way.”

 

“Neither did I!” Stan shouted back angrily without even looking back.

 

Dipper realized a potential problem as they piled into the old Diablo that had been sitting in the garage all summer. “Are you sure you can drive with one arm? Do you even remember  _ how  _ to drive?” He asked Stan.

 

“Probably not, but that's never stopped me before!” The old conman laughed. After struggling to fit the key in the ignition, revving the engine a few time before remembering he had to shift it into drive first, and struggling some more with the clutch, he finally sped out of the garage and down the dirt road. They would be well on their way before Agent Powers and the rest of the government guys showed up.

 

Ford felt his heart break as he watched them go, but at least this way he knew they were all going to be safe. He sighed forlornly and turned to Soos as they went back inside. “You should go too. Go pick up your abuelita and--”

 

“But I wanna help!” Soos protested.

 

“It’s too dangerous.” the old teacher put his foot down. “I don’t want anyone else to suffer for my mistakes.” He was about to push Soos out the door when he noticed one of the agents groaning and coming to. He picked an excessively large book off the shelf and dropped it on the agent’s head. “Hmm. The rift might be too dangerous, but maybe you could help me take care of these guys?”

 

Soos turned his hat around dramatically. “I’m on it!”

 

“And if I  _ do _ get the rift contained, I’ll need you to keep it safe.”

 

“Wait, aren’t you gonna take care of it?”

 

Ford shook his head. “I’m going to turn myself in. Hopefully once they take me into custody they'll forget all about you and the kids.”

 

“But… but they could lock you up forever!” the young mechanic cried.

 

“I've done what I set out to accomplish. My brother is home safe, and once the rift is contained, it doesn't matter what happens to me.”

 

Soos looked like he was about to argue, but Ford simply turned around and descended the stairs to the portal lab, shutting the secret door behind him with finality.

* * *

  
  


Stan's emotions were all over the place. For a start, he was furious with Ford for putting him through the  _ exact  _ same paces they'd been through thirty years ago. 

 

And yet Ford had kept his car for him.

 

And apparently Ford wasn't even the one who'd brought him home in the first place! But then why were there hostile government agents in his house?

 

Yet Ford had taken care of  _ El Diablo _ ; she was running even better than when Stan had left.

 

“So!” Mabel poked her head up between the front seats. “it looks like we're gonna be cooped up in this car together for a while. Who wants to tell us their entire mysterious backstory?”

 

“Grop, are ya sure? I’ve seen some serious shef’th, it's not a krutacking walk in the park on the other side. If I had a cred for every time I saw some rigellian zarking some poor shazbot… well, let's just say it was void, and leave it at that.” Stan rattled off. The kids gaped at him like he'd thrown up a whole rotten pizza: confused and slightly disgusted. “Whassa matter with you guys? ...Oh, grop, you guys are kids! I gotta watch my frakking mouth around you little shazbots! Eh, sorry,  _ sweet Moses,  _ I gotta watch my frakking mouth around you little shazbots!”

 

Mabel did her best to ignore what appeared to be alien swears, and asked the question she really wanted the answer to: “So why did you and Grunkle Ford start fighting all of a sudden? What happened between you two?”

 

Stan heaved the most tired sigh she’d ever heard. “‘Sa long story, kiddo.”

 

“Well, like I said, we’ve got a long drive ahead of us!” She said with an encouraging smile.

 

The old con-man smirked. “Yeah, walked right inta that one. Alright, but I got some questions of my own first. Like, how much do ya already know?” 

 

“About what?” Dipper asked.

 

“‘Bout me. What’d my brother tell ya ‘bout me?”

 

The young twins exchanged a glance. “Honestly we didn’t even know you existed until about a month ago.” Dipper admitted.

 

“Well, we know you’re twins and you were Grunkle Ford’s only friend in the whole wide world when you two were growing up in New Jersey!” Mabel chimed in.

 

“Aaaand that you had a knack for getting in trouble.” The boy remembered.

 

“Ha.” Stan laughed, and the kids had the hardest time identifying the emotion behind it. “Of course he’d say that. Ever go into specifics about what kind of trouble?”

 

“Uh, he told us about how you got kicked out when you were in high school after you wrecked his science fair project.” Dipper continued. 

 

“I should’ve known.” The old con man growled. “I bet that wamsutter still says I did it on purpose, too!”

 

“Well… he  _ did  _ say something about you convincing yourself it was an accident.” the boy confessed.

 

“He  _ what _ !?” Stan roared, rounding on the kids with rage etched on his face.

 

“Eyes on the road!” Mabel reminded him.

 

Stan turned back around just in time to course-correct for an upcoming turn. “Krutacking little e chu ta, I can’t believe him.” He muttered under his breath. “If I ever get the chance I’m gonna stick my staff right up his--”

 

“But if it makes you feel better,” Dipper tried to patch the wound he’d obviously just opened, “He also says the two of you were  _ both  _ being stupid teenagers about the whole thing.”

 

That seemed to pacify Stan a bit. “So… so he’s not mad about it anymore?”

 

Mabel and Dipper shared another glance. When Ford had told them the story before, he’d definitely still had a bitter outlook on the event, but… it didn’t seem like he still held any grudge against his brother. 

 

“I don’t think so. At least, not mad at you.” Mabel said slowly, “And he’s worked so hard this summer to bring you home, that’s gotta count for something, right?”

 

Stan huffed angrilly. “I thought he was working hard to bring me home for almost twenty years, but that turned out to be a big fat lie.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dipper asked curiously

 

“My turn to answer questions, huh? Alright, here goes....”

* * *

  
  


The agents had been somewhat surprised when Ford turned himself in, but, like the old researcher had hoped, they seemed to forget all about Soos and the kids once they had him in custody. They were still sweeping his house to try and locate the portal lab. Luckily Trigger’s concussion was bad enough that he didn’t seem to remember the entrance behind the bookshelf. Since their search was fruitless, they turned their main attention back to Ford.

 

“Where’s the helicopter?” Agent Powers asked one of his men, “The sooner we get Pines to Washington, the sooner we can squeeze the answers out of him.”

 

Ford remained silent. He was sure he could hold up under pressure, even under torture, but there was a very good chance the agents would find the portal lab on their own if they just looked a little harder. Or tore down his house. 

 

“Sir, our requisitioned helicopter crashed during the last major gravity reversal.” the agent replied. “It’ll take a while to fill out the paperwork to send in the new one. And once that’s completed it’s about an hour’s flight from Fort Lewis to here."

 

Powers sighed impatiently, but he knew it couldn’t be helped. “Alright, put  _ three _ rush tags on that paperwork when you email it to HQ. In the meantime, I want a full security detail on Pines. No more breakouts.”

 

“Sir yes sir!” the agent replied.

 

“And get some med guys to look at Agent Trigger and his team.”

 

Ford tried his best to get comfortable, despite being cuffed to the stair-rail. It looked like he was going to be here for a while. 

* * *

  
  


Stan started his story with a bombshell. “The night I went through the portal wasn’t the last time I heard from my brother before now.”

 

“What!? How’s that even possible!?” the boy exclaimed.

 

“Hey, who’s tellin’ this story?” Stan shushed him before continuing. “When I went through the portal, I found myself in a nightmare realm. The place was crawlin’ with monsters that’d make Harry Claymore faint, but none of them could touch me. It was hard to judge time; I might’ve been there a couple of days or a couple of hours. Luckily I found a wormhole to escape through before I got into too much trouble. I thought I’d left the monsters of the nightmare realm behind, so I holed up in a tree and got some sleep for the first time in ages. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was about to meet the King of Nightmares himself. 

 

“He wasn’t nightmarish to start with though. Came to me in a dream with a nice warm fire and a promise that he’d let Ford know I was still alive. He didn’t even  _ look  _ scary; who’d be afraid of a cartoony yellow triangle?”

 

Dipper gasped. “You mean Bill!?”

 

“Oh, so Ford told ya ‘bout him?” Stan guessed.

 

“More than that, we’ve fought Bill twice this summer!” the boy exclaimed.

 

“We defeated him with kittens and tickles!” Mabel added.

 

“...It was a lot more heroic than it sound.” Dipper muttered.

 

The old man actually laughed. “Now that’s a story I’m gonna wanna hear later! But like I was sayin’...”

 

“Wait, does Ford know you’ve dealt with Bill too?” Dipper asked.

 

“Sheesh kid, let me finish and maybe some of your questions’ll get answered! Flap-dras’n kids, no appreciation for story tellin’.” Stan muttered.

 

“Anyway, he didn't  _ seem _ like a nightmare at first, but he was offering ‘deals’ that were too good to be true. I knew a thing or two about phoney sales pitches from my own time in infomercials, so I knew something was fishy. I wasn’t about to go and make any deals with him, but… I didn’t exactly tell him to get lost either. He was the first thing I’d met since fallin’ through the portal that at least  _ acted  _ friendly, and havin’ a fellow con-artist as an ally in unknown territory seemed like a good idea at the time. I figured I knew enough about scammin’ that I wouldn’t get scammed myself. 

 

“Bill did end up makin’ good on at least one thing: he let Ford know I was still alive, and with that Ford was able to figure out a way to keep in touch with me through some sorta dream-sharing thing. ‘Course, Bill wasn’t doin’ that just to be helpful; he had a reason, but I didn’t find that out until years later. Heh, it’s funny. Ford and I talked more in a year while we were in different dimensions than we did in ten years when we were in the same country. My brother promised me he’d bring me home, no matter how long it took. I promised I wouldn’t give up on him if he didn’t give up on me. And for almost twenty years, I believed that.

 

“For all those years, Ford kept droppin’ in on my dreams, but I started to notice he’d stopped making progress on bringin’ me home. At first I thought he’d just hit a snag, but as things dragged on into  _ years _ I started wonderin’ if somethin’ was wrong. Bill kept checking in on me too. I made a point of never making a deal with the guy, but he started tellin’ me about how he’d worked with Ford, how they’d been friends until there was an accident. He kept tryin’ to convince me to talk to my brother so they could work together again and get the portal workin’ to bring me back. Ford was always goin’ on and on about how dangerous the portal was any time I tried to tell him to just power it up and see if it worked, and I knew whenever he cut ties with someone he was… pretty set on not seeing or talking to them again, so for a long time, I never even mentioned Bill to him. Until one day, I got desperate.”

* * *

  
  


Stanford had gotten so little sleep in the past two weeks that it really shouldn’t have been a surprise that he drifted off not long after the agents had decided to move him into one of the armored humvees. What  _ was  _ a surprise was Bill invading his dream almost immediately. 

 

“AWWW, DID SOMEONE FALL ASLEEP OUTSIDE HIS PRECIOUS SHIELD-SPELL?” 

 

Ford’s heart hammered in his chest as he momentarily panicked, but it didn’t take him long to realize he actually had the upper-hand for once.

 

“You can torment me all you want, Bill, you’ve lost this time!” he grinned triumphantly.

 

“OH NO, YOU’VE DEFEATED ME,” Bill mocked flatly, “HOW WILL I EVER RECOVER FROM THIS SETBACK OF  **A FEW WEEKS?!** ”

 

“What!?” 

 

“AHAHAHA, DO I REALLY HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU, SIXER? EVEN IF QUESTIONMARK MANAGES TO KEEP YOUR TACKY SNOWGLOBE SAFE, YOU OVERLOOKED AN IMPORTANT DETAIL. THE CHAOS ENERGY THE RIFT IS LEAKING IS GOING TO GROW EXPONENTIALLY OVER TIME.”

 

Ford’s mind raced as he compared this information to the calculations he’d used to build the Rift Containment Unit. He didn’t need to write anything out to know the containing measures wouldn’t hold.

 

“THAT THING’LL BE CRACKING BY THE END OF THE WEEK. I SHOULD HAVE MY DOOR INTO YOUR UNIVERSE BY THE END OF THE SUMMER! AND FAILING THAT, THERE’S ALWAYS THE SECRET GOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION ABOUT TO SEIZE THE PORTAL STRUCTURE. I PRACTICALLY RUN THOSE GUYS ALREADY! IT’LL BE A SINCH TO GET THEM TO REBUILD IT FOR ME!

 

“No.…” Ford fell to his knees. He’d actually thought this was all over? How could he have been so blind?

 

“YOU’RE ADORABLE, YOU KNOW THAT? IT’S BEEN A HOOT, WATCHING YOU SCRAMBLE TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT THAT PORTAL AGAIN ALL ON YOUR OWN. AND TRYING TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY OUT OF IT? HA! THEY’RE INVOLVED WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, FORDSY!” Bill waved his arm above his apex and three symbols from the prophecy wheel appeared: a pinetree, a shooting star, and another symbol that Ford vaguely remembered from the fez his father used to wear. But now that he looked at it again, there was another place he recognized it from: Stanley’s staff. 

 

“BUT PLEASE, KEEP TRYING TO PUSH THEM AWAY ANYWAY.” Bill said with a smirking glint in his eye. “IT MAKES THINGS SO MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING!”

 

“Leave them alone!” The old scientist screamed.

 

“OH-HO, BUT IT’S NOT UP TO ME.” Bill smirked. “WELP, THIS IS GETTING BORING. HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOUR BODY FOR A SPIN, JUST FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKE? I COULD MAIM ALL THE GUARDS AROUND YOU!”

 

“Don’t!” Ford got back to his feet even though he knew, deep down, there wasn’t really anything he could do.

 

“HAH! GULLIBLE! I THINK IT’D BE A MUCH BETTER USE OF MY TIME TO GET CRACKING ON STEALING THAT RIFT! AND YOU’RE NO USE TO ME ON THAT FRONT, GETTING DRAGGED OFF BY THE FEDS AND ALL. SEE YA IN THE ODDPOCALYPSE!”

* * *

  
  


“Y’see, My life after leavin’ Earth wasn’t much different from my life after leavin’ home.” Stan continued his story as he drove, “I’d drift from place to place, lookin’ for chances to make a quick cred and, if I was lucky, get my hands on somethin’ that was transuniversally valuable. Main difference was it was even  _ more _ dangerous in the multiverse! There were a lot of times I could’ve died, and I probably would’ve if I’d just given up, but I thought I had a brother out there, trying to bring me home. I didn’t want him to do all that work for nothin’.” he growled bitterly.

 

“One day I’d swiped some star-rubies from a royal starcruiser, they weren’t too thrilled about that, obviously. I managed to fight the entier security team off with just a blunderbuss and my own two fists, all except the captain. That guy, he fought dirty. I’d almost gotten free of their ship before take-off, when he blinded me with flash powder and shut the air-lock on my arm just as I was jumpin’ out the exit. I was hangin’ out the door as the engines started firing. The captain said I could either come with him to face the royal court, or be dragged along outside the ship while it left the atmosphere and burn up from the friction. I took a third option, and blew my own arm off.”

 

The kids both gasped. So that was how Stan had lost his arm.

 

“After that, things got a _ little  _ too real for me. Sure, interdimensional travel was dangerous, but I was kinda havin’ fun adventuring around, up to that point. After losin’ my arm, it wasn’t fun anymore. I couldn’t even take care of my own bleeding stump properly; I didn’t think I could survive on my own at that point. Bill found me. He actually helped me escape the royal guards and get out of that dimension. Then I wanted to go home so bad, I didn’t care what I told Ford or how he reacted, as long as it got that portal working again. 

 

“I invited Bill to come into my dream the next time Ford got in touch with me. That was the first good night’s sleep I’d had in nearly a month. Before Ford showed up, Bill said… said I lie to other people, but Ford lies to himself. I didn’t get what he was talkin’ about so I just shrugged it off until Ford got there. At first my brother was relieved to see me, but he freaked out even more than I’d expected when Bill showed himself. That’s when Bill told me what my brother’d  _ really _ been doing with that portal.”

 

“What?” Mabel asked hesitantly. 

 

“Abso-krutacking-lutely nothing!” Stan spat. “He’d had the smegging thing done for nearly nine years, and he’d just been sitting on it! Biding his time! Once again I was struggling to survive, and he wasn’t doing a zarking thing about it!”

 

“But...but that can’t be right!” Dipper interrupted. “Grunkle Ford didn’t finish the portal until this summer, we helped him find the Journals so he could do it!”

 

Stan scoffed “He didn’t need the frelling Journals to open the Portal, he just need them to stabilize it.”

 

“But what would be the point of bringing you home if the world ended immediately after you arrived?” the boy asked.

 

“...Maybe you’re right, kid,” the old conman grunted in defeat, “But he could’ve told me! He didn’t have to lead me on with some false hope! He could’ve told me about Bill before, then I would’ve known to stay away from that monster! But I didn’t know any of that shef’th! All I knew was my brother’d been lying to me, he’d given up on me!”

 

“But he didn’t give up on you!” Mabel protested, “He kept the portal up, he kept looking for the Journals, he’s the reason you’re here now!”

 

Stan wasn’t convinced. “Is he now? My turn to ask questions, how’d that portal  _ really  _ get opened?”

 

Mabel and Dipper exchanged glances again. Stan wished they’d stop doing that, the way they could communicate with just a look. He’d had that with his brother once, and he’d hoped they could have it again when he’d first emerged from the portal. Of course, he should’ve known better than to hope.

 

The young twins told Stan all about finding the Journals, about recovering Ford’s memories from the Blind-Eye, and about building the Rift Containment Unit. The old man had been surprised by the existence of a memory-erasing cult, and seemed somewhat annoyed that Ford had elected to delay opening the portal by two weeks in order to prepare for the rift, but he didn’t say anything about it.

 

“And then, the day we were finally gonna open the portal, this morning, these government guys show up outta nowhere!” Mabel continued with the story, “They arrested Grunkle Ford, so we had to break him out of jail so he could be there to see you when the portal opened! And also so he could stop the world from being destroyed. But then Agent Trigger followed us down to the lab (he’s that unconcious guy from earlier, remember?) and he was gonna  _ force _ Grunkle Ford to shut the portal down! So--”

 

“It was my fault!” Dipper blurted out.

 

“What!?” Stan looked over his shoulder at the boy in confusion. Mabel had to direct his attention back to the road again. 

 

“Trigger was threatening us with a  _ gun  _ and I’d just read some of the warnings in the Journal about how opening the portal would bring about the  _ end of the world _ , and a couple of weeks ago Ford was telling me about how Bill wanted to bring  _ chaos  _ and  _ destruction  _ into our world and I just panicked!  _ I _ told Trigger about the manual override, Ford would’ve let the portal keep running otherwise.”

 

“Whaddaya mean ‘otherwise’?” the old con-artist asked with a scowl. 

 

Mabel put a comforting arm around her brother’s shoulders. “Well, after Dipper told Agent Trigger about the manual override, they needed one more person because there were three keys… so Ford helped them.”

 

“Trigger would’ve shut the portal off if Mabel hadn’t tackled him before he got to the shut-down button.” Dipper explained, finding his voice again. “Even when I was practically screaming at her to turn it off, she wouldn’t push it.  _ She’s  _ the reason you’re here.”

 

Stan was silent for a moment, processing this new information. “Thanks, uh, Mabel.” He finally said awkwardly, “And Dip, I don’t blame you for this, ok? You didn’t know.” 

 

“I  _ did _ know though!” Dipper protested, “I knew Ford was trying to bring you home, and I knew I would’ve done the same thing for my sister, but I still tried to shut the portal down!”

 

“It’s not your fault, you’re just a kid!” Stan reassured him. He didn’t look very reassured. He looked upset.

 

Dipper pouted for a moment or two before finally responding. “I just don’t want you to be mad at your brother for something I did.” 

 

The old man heaved a sigh. “Me and my brother’ve got plenty of issues with or without you, kid. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Stan had been ready to forgive his brother for the whole portal thing, even the fact that Ford technically hadn’t been the one to open in. Now that Stanley knew the whole story behind why Ford had been so hesitant, the old con-artist was even more inclined to forgive that particular detail. 

 

But then Ford had to go and push him away again.

 

Everyone sat in silence for a while longer. Dipper watched the “Now Leaving Gravity Falls” sign whiz past through the window. “We can’t just let those government guy drag Ford off to jail, there’s gotta be something we can do… right?”

 

The silence dragged on for another moment or two before Stan finally snapped. “Argh, alright! Hang on!” He spun the wheel tighter and faster than Dipper thought was possible for a one-armed man. The car swerved across the median and pulled a U-ie into the opposite lane, narrowly avoiding an SUV full of very frightened campers. The kids yelled in surprise as the momentum squished them to the side of the car.

 

“Grunkle Stan, what’re you doing?” Mabel asked.

 

“I never listened to my brother before, I sure as grop ain’t gonna start now!” He said savagely. “We’re gonna go back and save his sorry slagg.”

* * *

  
  


Ford wondered idly if telling the agents everything about the rift and Bill would persuade them to let him go, or at least to help him secure the rift. Either they wouldn't believe him, or they would try and use the rift themselves, and Bill would surely get the better of them. The old man hung his head in despair. All these years, and Bill had still gotten the last laugh; Ford still couldn't fix his mistakes.

 

“Sir, we’re almost done with the paperwork for the new helicopter!” An agent came up to the humvee and handed a tablet to Powers, who had decided he wanted to guard Ford personally. “I just need you to sign off on it.”

 

“Excellent.” Powers smirked. “You hear that, Pines? Playtime is over. I’ll enjoy putting you away.”

 

Ford just looked down at his shoes. What could he possibly do or say at this point?

 

Everyone in the humvee looked up with a start when they heard the sound of a vehicle coming down the dirt road. Whoever it was, it sounded like they were driving recklessly. That was Ford’s first clue.

 

“Must be some lost tourists.” Powers grumbled, and turned to the guy who’d brought him the tablet, “Go take care of them.”

 

“Sir, yes sir.” The agent nodded, and jogged down the road. 

 

He hadn’t gotten very far before a bright red  _ El Diablo _ barreled into view. The agent barely had time to jump out of the way when he realized the car was coming straight for him, and it was  _ not _ slowing down. It continued, picking up speed, until it suddenly swerved, and drifted sideways  _ right _ into the humvee that held Agent Powers and Stanford. Luckily Ford was strapped in, as part of his security, but the government guys hadn’t thought wearing a seatbelt in a parked vehicle was really necessary. Powers, whose door had still been open after taking the tablet, had been ejected from the vehicle. The other guards were flung up against the side of the humvee. 

 

Stanley and the kids hopped out of the squashed  _ El Diablo _ , somewhat shaken but none the worse for wear. Of course, Stan had warned them what he was going to do, and they’d buckled and braced themselves accordingly. The old con man made a beeline for the undamaged back door, threw out the stunned guards, and got to work picking the lock on Ford’s cuffs.

 

“Are you  _ trying  _ to get me killed!?” Ford asked as soon as he got over the shock.

 

“Yeah, nice to see you too, bro.” Stan rolled his eyes.

 

“You’ll need a key, these are military-grade--” the old scientist began to protest, but he was cut short as Stan opened the cuffs with a satisfying  _ click _ . “How did you…?”

 

“You really gotta ask?” Stan smirked and pulled his brother out of the humvee. They made a dash for behind the garage, where the kids were waiting for them.

 

“What were you all thinking!?” Ford asked agitatedly the second they were all hidden. “Even if we  _ do  _ somehow manage to escape an entire team of highly trained secret agents, it’s not like they’re going to just forget about it and go home! The government will keep sending more agents after me!”

 

“Eh, I’ve been on the run from the Feds before, it’s really not that hard.” Stan shrugged.

 

“But we  _ can  _ make them forget about it!” Dipper reminded them, pulling out the memory erasing device from his backpack.

 

Stanford grimaced. He hated to stoop to this level, but if he was taken away, there was no chance of sealing up the rift. If he could stay here in Gravity Falls, he could at least try. “I hate to do this but… it seems to be our only option.”

 

“Alright!” Mabel grinned. “Now we just gotta tie ‘em all up so we can shoot the memory gun at all of ‘em at once! Do any of you have a lasso?”

 

Dipper’s eyes widened as he realized his plan might be a lot more impractical than he’d thought. Ford put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

“It’s possible to convert the memory pulse into an audio wavelength, rather than a visual wavelength. If I could hook this up to some sort of emitter, and get it on the same frequency that the agents’ headsets are running, that could do the trick. If we can get back into the lab without being detected…”

 

“Don’t bother, I think I got one right here.” Stan unbuckled the straps and slung his pack off his shoulder. “Hopefully it’s still workin’, everything kinda got messed up when one of Bill’s cronies tried to take a bite out of it.”

 

“What!?” Ford gasped.

 

Stan ignored him and pulled a long, mangled hunk of wires, circuit boards, and other advanced kinds of technology. If you squinted at it just right, you could almost tell it had once been a prosthetic arm.

 

“Emitter was in the elbow. That took the least damage, so it should be fine.” Stan handed the busted robo-arm to his brother. “Think it’ll work?”

 

There were so many questions rushing through Ford’s head right now, but he didn’t have time to ask any of them. He simply nodded mutely and took the scrapped arm. They were in luck; the emitter was in working order. It didn’t take long for Stanford to wire the memory erasing device through it.

 

“Cover your ears!” He warned his family. This was supposed to just send a signal to all the agents’ com-links, but you could never be too careful.

 

They didn’t see the pulse of energy wash through the agents, but they certainly saw the effects. The government guys all paused in their scrambling search, and suddenly began ambling about, as though they weren’t sure what they were doing there. An evil grin spread across Stanley’s face; the kind he got when he was about to cause some trouble. He ran out to confront the agents before anyone could stop him.

 

“Hey! Whaddaya think you’re doing!? Look what ya did to my car!” He bellowed indignantly, storming right up to Agent Powers and pointing at his wrecked  _ El Diablo _ .

 

“What?” Powers asked in confusion. “What are we doing here?”

 

“That’s what I’d like to know!” Stan shouted. “I park here for five minutes, and when I come back there are government spooks crawling all over the place,  _ and  _ my car’s totaled! The government better be payin’ for that! She’s a classic, and she was in showroom condition!”

 

“But we didn’t… I don’t remember…” Powers looked over the scene in bewilderment.

 

“Don’t remember!? Oh, you been drinkin’ on the job?” Stan asked acidly. 

 

“Of course not!” Powers exclaimed.

 

“Then explain to me what happened here! Or better yet, explain it to my lawyer! Heh, that was my first car, too, might be able to get some emotional compensation…”

 

Powers scowled. “Now look here, we’re a top secret government organization. What we’re up to here is... highly classified.”

 

“It won’t be when my lawyer’s done digging up the dirt on you shazbots!” The old con man threatened.

 

Powers kept his expression neutral, but Stan could tell that last threat had hit a soft spot. 

 

“Surely there’s some way we can settle this outside of court?”

 

Stan put his hand to his chin and mimed thinking hard about it. He finally seemed to come to a conclusion and poked Powers square in the chest. “Alright, you wanna settle this here and now? I want three thousand cash to cover all the damage your men’ve done here, and I don’t wanna see your sorry mugs around town ever again! Then we can both pretend like this never happened.”

 

“We only carry a thousand cash with us, will that do if we wire the rest to your account?” Powers asked.

 

“Are you kiddin’!? I ain’t givin’ you yahoos my bank info! Just gimme the cash and go!” Stan demanded. 

 

Powers tried his best to look like he was still in control of the situation as he pulled out his wallet and handed all his emergency funds over. Stan grinned, putting his arm around Powers’ shoulder.

 

“Pleasure doing business with you, sir!” He patted the agent on the back as the government guys left.

 

The rest of the Pines family came out from behind the garage, mouths hanging open at the incredible performance they’d just witnessed. Stan was counting his money, chuckling.

 

“Hah! A thousand bucks!” He crowed, then opened his hand to reveal a small tablet and a thumb drive. “And whatever this stuff is! Looks like a mini TV and… what is this, some sorta new-age gum packaging?”

 

“Did you just pick the pocket of a government agent!?” Dipper asked incredulously.

 

“Sure did, kid!” 

 

Ford took the thumb drive, which had ‘Pines’ scrawled on it in permanent marker. “This… this is their case file against me! Without this, they don’t have anything on me, or the Portal! … Thank you, Stanley…” He added quietly.

 

Stan stiffened at his brother’s words. “Tch, the kids talked me into comin’ back.” He scoffed.

 

Mabel looked back and forth between her two Grunkles. “I know what you two need! To hug it out!” She paused, waiting for one of them to make their move. Neither did. “Hug it out!” She declared again. “C’mon you guys, you were having and hugapalooza earlier!” 

 

“I think you kids need to get to bed.” Ford said, changing the subject. “It’s been a long day.”

 

“Aw, come on!” The young twins protested. 

 

“Don’t try and worm your way out of it, you need your sleep.” The old scientist said firmly. “And my brother and I need to have a… personal conversation.”

 

Mabel and Dipper certainly understood the need for that. So they gave in the fight and dutifully entered the house, leaving the elder twins standing on the porch. 

 

“Let’s get this over with, Poindexter, I haven’t eaten in three days.” Stan grumbled.

 

“Oh!” Ford felt like kicking himself. He hadn’t even thought of that, but of course food had to be scarce on the other side of the Portal. “We can talk in the kitchen.”

 

As soon as they entered the kitchen, Stanley moved straight to the fridge and began helping himself to anything he didn’t have to heat up. He’d scarfed down two leftover tacos before he’d even sat back down at the table. Between bites, he started unlacing his boots.

“‘M honna hakeoff m’sues ‘n sohs.” he mumbled through a mouthful of pizza.

 

“What?” Ford asked, barely suppressing a laugh.

 

Stan swallowed. “I’m gonna take off my shoes and socks. I take no responsibility for any related deaths.”

 

Ford laughed.

 

“I’m serious, it’s gonna be bad.” Stan peeled off a sock. It  _ was  _ bad, like rotting fish and stale body odor. Ford thew open a window and turned on the fan above the stove.

 

“Stan, I know you’re mad at me.” Ford said as he sat back down at the kitchen table.

 

“Hmm.” Stan grunted as he continued chewing on a leftover hamburger.

 

“And you have every right to be.” Ford continued.

 

“Glad we agree on that.” Stan said thickly as he swallowed another bite.  

 

“I’m sorry, for everything, just please, Stanley, give me another chance!” Ford pleaded. “I want to make things right between us, I swear!”

 

Stan was quiet for a long moment. He looked so tired. Tired with life.

 

“I’d like to believe you.” He finally said. “I really would. But you haven't got the greatest track-record.”

 

Ford's heart sank. He couldn't really argue with that. “So… what're you going to do?”

 

Stan laughed dryly. “Well, can't exactly leave with my car wrecked, can I?”

 

“I-I could fix it for you.” Ford suggested hopefully.

 

Stan glared at him. “You think you just gotta find the right thing to do and suddenly everything's gonna be hunky-dory?”

 

Stanford could practically feel his patience snap. “Well at least I'm  _ trying _ ! What do you  _ want _ from me, Stan!?”

 

Stan rolled his eyes and got up. “You really don't get it.”

 

“So explain it to me!”

 

“You want me to spell it out for you?!” Stan shouted. “Fine! We're basically  _ strangers _ now! I'll stay 'til the end of the summer, but when the kids leave, so do I. 'Cuz as far as I'm concerned, they're the only family I got left.”

 

Ford wanted to say something to his brother as he stomped out of the kitchen. He wanted to grab his brother and hug him. He wanted to find some way to fix this. But it seemed all he was capable of was sitting there and watching his brother go.

 

* * *

  
  


Soos was sitting in the basement with the Rift Containment Unit, still waiting for the agents to leave. He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to know when the agents were gone, but Dr. Pines had said he should stay there all night if he had to. So that was what the young mechanic intended to do. He was very good at sitting for hours doing nothing. He didn't need anything or anyone to entertain him.

 

… Well, maybe he would call Wendy. Update her on the whole “Two Stans” thing.


	28. A Day on the Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stan and Mabel do some bonding.

In the day or so since the government guys had left, things had settled down into what Dipper supposed would be the new normal, now that Stanley was here. Ford mostly stayed down in the portal lab, only coming up occasionally for food. That had actually become the norm over the past month or so. Stan was just exploring the house, although he seemed antsy. He didn’t seem ready to make himself at home just yet, like he was expecting he’d need to bolt any minute now. 

 

Everyone could sense the tension in the house, even Mabel. Dipper had seen her plotting upstairs, with a flowchart and illustrations and everything. And she called  _ him  _ obsessed with planning; this was going to be even worse than what she’d done with Robbie, he could tell. Unfortunately, the boy thought, this was something not even Mabel could fix. 

 

Speaking of Mabel, she came jumping down the stairs with a smile on her face and a notebook in her hand. On that notebook was a list of tv shows and movies, and at the very top, underlined twice, was Ducktective. She screeched to a halt in front of her brother. 

 

“Hey bro, guess what? I figured out what Grunkle Stan needs!” She handed the notebook to Dipper, “I was just thinking how freaked out I’d be if I came back home after spending 30 years in space or wherever and everything was way different, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on repairing broken family relationships either! So I asked myself, what’s the best way to teach Stan about how the world has changed? And at first I was like, ‘The internet!’ but then I remembered that most old people have a hard time with the internet even if they weren’t gone for 30 years, so then I was like ‘TV!’

 

“So I made a list of all the TV shows that would teach Stan about the present, and I think Ducktective is the best show for the job. The London setting is old-fashioned enough for him to be comfortable with while still using digital-age language and technology. Also, with the themes of family and friendship that run through the whole show, it might subconsciously persuade Stan to make up with Ford! Also also, the season two finale is tonight and they’re marathoning the whole series today so that’ll make it easy to watch and Grenda’s coming over to watch it with us.”

 

“Uh… ok.” Dipper said simply as his brain processed the word-dump Mabel had just babbled at him. When he actually thought about it, he realized it was a pretty good idea. Stan obviously didn’t want anything to do with Ford right now, but maybe if they took the old conman’s mind off things for a while his emotions would settle down. And watching a show all about unlikely friendships and family couldn’t hurt. “That’s a pretty good idea. Nice job, Mabel!”

 

They found Stan rummaging around in the kitchen again, which was no surprise, really. Since he’d arrived, he’d spent about 70% of his time in there. A room full of food seemed to be a bit of a novelty for him. 

 

“Hey kids.” Stan greeted them without even taking his head out of the fridge. “Is this peach soda a new fad, or is it some sorta local thing?”

 

“You mean Pitt Cola?” Dipper asked. “It’s a local thing.”

 

“Huh. ‘S good.” He guzzled a can of the stuff. The young twins noticed a small pile of empty and crushed cans next to the garbage. “Any other good local foods I should try?”

 

“Oooh! We should take you to Greasy’s Diner!” Mabel suggested.

 

Their discussion was interrupted by the arrival of Ford, which was so surprising that they all actually gasped. It wasn’t meal time; they hadn’t been expecting him to emerge from the lab for another few hours.

 

“Oh, good, you’re all here.” The old scientist said, a cheerful tone failing to mask his nervous posture, like he was psyching himself up to speak in front of a large crowd. 

 

“Are you having an early lunch?” Dipper asked, confused.

 

“No, I… I was hoping… I was thinking…” He stammered, “it’s about time we got back to our weekly game of Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons.”

 

“Does this mean you found a way to keep the rift contained?” Dipper asked hopefully.

 

Ford flinched. “Well, no, not… not yet. I think I’ve made all the progress I can at the moment though. I… I thought it might be good for me to take a break.”

 

Mabel gasped again. She’d had to nag her Grunkle about taking a break constantly over the summer, and now he was deciding to take a break on his own!? This made her so happy, she didn’t even care that it got in the way of her earlier plan. 

 

The younger twins seemed ecstatic to hear Ford’s proposal, but Stan still hadn’t pulled his head out of the fridge. He was pretending to ignore his brother, until Ford called on him directly. 

 

“Stan, I… I was hoping we could all play together. You know, as a family.”

 

Stan was quiet for a long time. For a while it looked like he was going to go right on ignoring Ford, until he finally turned away from the fridge, slowly and deliberately. “You want  _ me  _ to play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?”

 

“Yes.” Ford replied, trying very hard to sound confident. 

 

“That ‘game’ that’s more math and statistics than actual gameplay?” Stan continued dryly. 

 

“Er, yes.” The old scientist confirmed, surprised that Stan knew of it. “Have you played before?” He was pretty sure the game had been invented after Stanley’d left home, and he had a hard time imagining his brother playing it on his own. 

 

“Yeah, I was  _ forced  _ to play by some actual Nerd-Lords in Dimension 26*^.” Stan said bitterly. “And I’d rather eat one of those flap-drassin’ 38-sided dice than play it again.”

 

“O-oh.” Ford stammered. He was momentarily crestfallen, but pulled himself back together quickly. “Well, we don’t have to play that, I’ve got plenty more games in--”

 

“Nope.” Stan cut him of.

 

“Bu-wh… you don’t even know what I was going to suggest!” Ford protested.

 

“Yeah, but I know I don’t wanna play with  _ you _ , jitata.” Stan glowered as he stomped out of the room. 

 

Ford glared after his brother for a moment before heaving a frustrated sigh and leaving out the opposite door. 

 

“Dipper, go after him!” Mabel pushed her brother towards the door Ford had left through.

 

“What?”

 

“This is the first voluntary break he’s taken in over a month! He  _ needs  _ this!” Mabel pleaded. “You go play DDMD with him or whatever it takes to keep him out of the lab for a while, I’ll take care of Grunkle Stan.”

* * *

  
  
  


“Narfin Ford, wantin’ to play his narfin games…” Stan grumbled under his breath. He didn’t  _ want  _ to play with his brother. Nope. Not one bit. 

 

He paced around the living room, trying to think of what he could do to blow off some steam. It was weird. He’d been longing for home all these years, but now that he was here, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He hadn’t stayed in one place for more than a month in well over forty years. Of course, he reminded himself forcefully, he wasn’t planning on staying in Ford’s house for more than a few weeks anyway. But after that… the idea that he wasn’t going to leave this world was almost completely foreign to him now. 

 

He should be learning more about this world, about what had changed, about what hadn’t… but he didn’t really know where to start. That and the fear that he wouldn’t like what he saw kept him from leaving the house and exploring the town. Or really do much of anything other than mope restlessly from room to room.

 

“Hey Grunkle Stan!” Mabel popped up from behind the couch, startling him out of his funk. He instinctively swung his staff at her. Luckily he realized who it was just in time.

 

“Yeesh kid, don't sneak up on me like that!” he barked. “That's a good way to get whacked upside the head!”

 

“It's ok.” She waved it off like a near concussion was nothing. “Hey, do you wanna watch the Ducktective marathon with me?” She didn't wait for an answer and immediately pulled him onto the couch.

 

“Uh, what?” Stan asked blankly.

 

“It's my favorite TV show!” She said, as if that explained everything. “I can tell you've been major-leauge stressed since you got here. You should sit down and relax for a while.” She sat down on his lap to close the deal.

 

“Look, uh, Muriel…” 

 

“It's Mabel.” She corrected him cheerfully.

 

“Sure. Mabel.” Stan repeated, trying to remember her name for later. “I haven't really felt safe sittin’ down and relaxin’ in a long time.”

 

“But you  _ are  _ safe now.” Mabel assured him.

 

Stan chuckled wryly. “Yeah, but try telling my  _ brain _ that.”

 

He sat there for a beat, waiting for her to get up and let him go. She just stared back up at him.

 

“You're not gonna move, are ya?” He groaned.

 

“Nope!” She grinned back.

 

Stan knew he could easily just stand up and send the girl toppling to the floor, but there was a glint of determination in her eye that told him it would be better not to try.

 

“Alright, so what's this 'Ducktrucker’ show about?”

* * *

  
  


Stan was surprised how quickly he was taken in by a cartoon about a duck that solves mysteries, but really, weirder things had caught his attention before. He felt like he'd just started when the doorbell rang, and Mabel got up to invite her friend Grenda in. The big guy from the other day, Soos, also joined them for the premiere of the season finale. 

 

The incredible thing was that Stan was actually  _ enjoying _ this! He was actually loosening up and joining the conversation with these kids, talking about theories of what would happen, favorite characters and how they’d developed over the course of the show, and jokes that had made him laugh sincerely for the first time in years. Maybe Mabel had known what she was doing, getting him to sit down and relax for a bit.

 

The finale itself was pretty fun, but listening to everyone's reactions afterwards was even better.

 

“He had a twin brother all along?  _ That's _ the big reveal we've all been waiting for?” Mabel asked incredulously.

 

“What a rip-off!” Grenda yelled.

 

“The fandom came up with that theory over a year ago.” Soos said.

 

“Eh, I dunno if I buy it.” Stan said. “Speaking as an actual evil twin here, I wouldn't  _ shoot _ my brother, I'd just go around disguised as him and make trouble. Y'know, just to mess with him.”

 

Mabel scoffed and punched Stan in the shoulder playfully. “Pfft, you're not an evil twin!”

 

Stan put on his best evil grin. “You sure about that, sweet-heart?” The others all laughed.

 

“Still, it was nice to watch the finale without any distractions or games or family getting in the way.” Soos said. “Can you imagine if like, some paranormal thingum showed up right before the show started?”

 

Everyone laughed again, relieved that, for once, it had just been a normal, adventure-free day.

* * *

  
  


Ford came up from the lab the next morning, not even attempting to stifle an enormous yawn. He was exhausted. After an admittedly much needed break playing DDMD with Dipper yesterday, he'd spent the whole night working. Now at long last, the portal was dismantled. After all these years, he could finally sleep without the dread of knowing that monstrosity of a machine was waiting below to swallow the world whole.

 

No, now he just had to worry about the rift. Which was really just as bad, if not worse. After all these years of working on it, the portal was a danger that Ford knew well. The rift was something he knew very little about. Could it be contained permanently, or would he constantly be working to keep the rift out of Bill’s clutches for the rest of his life?

 

Oh well, another morning had come, and the world had yet to end. He'd better grab some breakfast, or Mabel would be on his case. Ford wondered idly who he’d find in the kitchen this morning. Stanley emptying to fridge, giving him a contemptuous glare before ignoring him entirely? The kids, planning some sort of workaholic intervention?

 

It was Stan, idly sipping a cup of coffee and wearing a painfully bright red and gold Hawaiian shirt. 

 

“Stanley, where did you get that?!” Ford asked. Surely he didn't get such an outfit beyond the portal.

 

“Found it.” Stan replied coolly.

 

“Just because you're hanging around the house all day doesn't mean you can dress like a street light.”

 

“I'm not hanging around the house, I'm going into town with Mabel. Think I'll tell her I found this in your closet, too.”

 

“You're going out?!”

 

“Yeah, can't stay cooped up in this shack all the time.”

 

“O-of course not… I just… got the impression you didn't feel ready for such a big step yet.”

 

“And what makes you think you're an expert on what I feel suddenly!?” Stan snapped.

 

Ford recoiled, like his brother’s words had physically stung him. “Sorry. I’m actually happy to hear you’re going to get a bit of fresh air, meet some new people."

 

“What do you care?” Stan grunted sullenly. 

 

“Why is it so hard for you to believe I actually care about you!?” Ford asked in exasperation. 

 

“Aw, gee, could it be the fact that  _ you left me stranded for thirty krutacking years!? _ ”

 

“Well, I wouldn’t have exactly been  _ saving _ you if I brought you home just in time for the end of the world!”

 

“Or maybe it’s the fact that as soon as I got back you recreated  _ one of the worst days of my life _ and told me to take the kids and go!”

 

Stanford felt his temper flare. “I will do  _ whatever  _ it takes to protect this family! That may not always match up with what you want, Stanley! Don’t go guilting me for trying to protect you and the kids!”

 

Stan didn’t seem to have a retort for that. He just left in a huff. Ford found some grim satisfaction in getting the last word, but it was a very hollow victory. The old researcher spent all day cooped up in his lab, wishing he could talk to his brother, and then the moment Ford actually worked up the courage to talk to Stan, it quickly devolved into a shouting match.

 

“What is wrong with me?” He sighed forlornly, and smacked his head against the kitchen table. 

* * *

  
  


Stan had wanted to leave rather quickly that morning, but Mabel wasn’t bothered. She liked to get an early start on the day. They began their walk into town talking about Stan’s bold fashion choices. Apparently he’d rummaged through Ford’s old clothes and found the brightest, loudest, most over-the-top apparel he could. Mabel assured her Grunkle that it was very chic and fashion-forward. The conversation drifted to Mabel’s love of sweaters and where she got her design ideas from. The young girl found that Stan was a very good listener, always chiming in at the right moment with his own joke or opinion. Their humor and personalities meshed together well. 

 

Once they got into town, Mabel started the grand tour of Gravity Falls, Oregon, hitting all the places where she and Dipper had adventures over the summer. 

 

“Here’s the arcade! Dipper brought one of the games to life with a magic cheat-code!” Mabel said as they entered the darkened building.

 

“Uh Mabel, I’m pretty sure we had these when I left.” Stans squinted, waiting for his eyes to adjust. 

 

“Yeah, but that was back in the 80’s, when arcades were struggling to maintain relevance in the face of the increasing popularity of home consoles. These days arcades have found a niche market that brings together both oldschool nerdcore gamers and casual nostalgic gamers, both classic standing cabinets and cutting-edge AR.” A voice said to their right. 

 

“Soos!” Mabel exclaimed when she turned and saw her friend holding a plastic toy guitar.

 

“‘Sup dudes.” Soos greeted them. “I’m here playing Power Chords of Death, how ‘bout you?”

 

“I’m showing Grunkle Stan around Gravity Falls, so he can see what it’s like living in 2012!” Mabel told him.

 

“Sweet! You wanna play a modern-day videogame?” Soos asked Stan.

 

Stan gave him a surprised look. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, why not?”

 

“Well I’ve only got one arm, for starters.” Stan said dryly.

 

“No problem, dude.” Soos assured him. “We got a left-handed controller over here. All you really have to do with your other hand is hit the strummer in time with the beat, so if I just…” He got down on his hands and knees and started messing with the wiring, “...switch this bit from that doohickey… and move this here… oop, almost electrocuted myself! ...There!” he stood back up. “I rigged it so now you can use the foot-pedal from the drum instead of the strummer!”

 

Stan hadn’t actually been interested in playing (he’d never really cared for video games that weren’t gambling-related) but now that the guy had gone through all this trouble, he felt obligated to play. He was pleasantly surprised anyone would go to such lengths just to include him. He didn't want to seem ungrateful.

 

“Alright, let’s give it a shot.”

 

“Oooh, Grunkle Stan, you should play Danger-Lane to Highway Town!” Mabel suggested. “It’s the only song on this game I know all the words to!”

 

“What? I’ve never even heard of that song!”

 

“That’s cuz it’s from a movie that came out in ‘86. It’s ok if you don’t know the song, you just have to hit the same colored button as the one on the screen when it reaches the picture of the guitar at the bottom.” Soos explained. “This is a co-op game, so I’ll be playing the notes on the right side of the screen. This game has a thing where if your partner chokes, you can save them.”

 

“Uh… good?” Choke? What was he talking about? What was there to choke on?

 

The music started up, and Stan saw the colored buttons start scrolling down the screen. He pressed the corresponding button on the neck of the guitar as it reached the bottom, but nothing seemed to happen. 

 

“You gotta tap your foot in time with the music!” Soos reminded him. 

 

Stan started tapping the pedal Soos had rigged up for him, then looked back at the screen and watched the colored buttons scroll by again. This time, as he pressed the buttons, the toy guitar he was holding started to play music! The same music that was coming out of Soos’s guitar and the game console! Well, almost the same. Stan’s sounded a little distorted, and cut out whenever he missed a button. But he got better as the song went on. All those years of honing his hand-eye coordination with that paddle-ball were finally paying off! Mabel joined in singing once they reached the lyrics.

 

As they played, arcade-goers began to gather around and watch. It started with just a few, but news that an old, one-armed guy with a scraggly beard and crazy clothes was playing Power Chords of Death spread quickly. 

 

“Whoa, he’s actually not terrible!”

 

“Look at him go!”

 

“His adequacy is amazing!”

 

“I am impressed because he is both old and disabled. But mostly because he’s old.”

 

“Soos, did you rewire one of my games again!?”

 

“This is gonna get so many views online.”

 

They had quite the crowd going by the time the manager threw them out. 

* * *

  
  


They continued on with their tour to the library and the museum and the pool and the local newspaper. In each place Mabel told a story, sometimes assisted by Soos. Stories like putting together an epic sock-puppet show that was crashed by Bill, or the 8 ½ president lost to time, or her first kiss with a merman, or meeting a creepy reporter. In each place Mabel went out of her way to introduce Stan to  _ everyone _ . And while she was doing this, Stan noticed a few things.

 

Everyone knew Mabel. A lot of people knew Soos, but they had yet to come across a single person who didn’t know Mabel. And she greeted each and every person like they were an old friend, even if as they walked away Mabel occasionally said something like “That’s Toby Determined. He’s messed up.” or “That’s Bud Gleeful! His son tried to kill us!”

 

“You kids come here every summer?” Stan asked.

 

“Nope! This summer is our first time coming here to Gravity Falls!” Mabel replied.

 

It was incredible how quickly Mabel had endeared herself (or at least introduced herself) to the whole town. Sure, Gravity Falls wasn’t exactly an overpopulated urban center, but it wasn’t the sticks either. They had a mall and a mini golf place, which didn’t really scream rural. The way she seemed to know everyone was an impressive feat. 

 

The other thing Stan noticed was really driven home when they reached the police station.

 

“This is where me and Dipper broke Grunkle Ford out of jail from the government guys! You remember them! That was the day you got here!” Mabel pointed to the jail excitedly. 

 

“Oh yeah, that was the day I had to throw down those agent dudes!” Soos remembered.

 

“Wait wait wait, lemme get this straight. You an’ your brother busted Ford outta there while it was crawlin’ with feds  _ single-handed _ ?” Stan asked incredulously.

 

“Well, we did get some help from Tyler and all the other guys at the bar to keep them from following us while we escaped,” the girl clarified, “But other than that, yeah!”

 

The look on Stan’s face was not just one of shock, but of a growing dread. This was lost on Mabel.

 

“One more stop to go!” She led them to Greasy's Diner. That lifted Stan’s spirits immediately. Mabel pointed out some local delicacies on the menu: Lumberflapjacks, beavertail steaks, roadkill ravioli, and of course, the waitress’ special: coffee omelette. Stan ordered the special out of morbid curiosity. 

 

“Hmmm…” He chewed the rubbery omelette thoughtfully, “s’not terrible, once you get past the burnt coffee taste. Woulda killed for one of these when I was lost in the Hailfire Peaks on Raretania 2.”

 

“If you like it, you should go tell Lazy Susan yourself!” Mabel suggested. “Maybe if you two start talking you’ll get to know each other better! You could even ask her for her number!”

 

“What, the classy lady over by the cabinet? She seems way out of my league…” Stan trailed off, “ _ Waaaaait _ a sec, you didn’t bring me here just to try and set me up with some stranger, did you?”

 

“What? No.” Mabel denied, “I just knew since you like weird local food so much you’d love the diner. And when I saw Susan I remembered she had a crush on Grunkle Ford earlier this summer, but he didn’t reciprocate. So I thought, since you guys look just alike, she might like you too.”

 

Stan nearly choked on what was left of his omelette. 

 

“Are you ok?” Mabel asked in alarm, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything! I should have just left it alone! Dipper’s right, I do get too involved in other people’s romance!”

 

Stan thumped his chest with his remaining hand a couple of times and finally swallowed the food down the right tube. “ _ Ha-hack _ , s’fine, just… just the first time I’ve ever heard of somebody havin’ a crush on Ford. Caught me off-guard.”

 

Mabel sighed with relief. “Good. So you’ll go talk to her?”

 

“Nope.” Stan grunted. 

 

“Aw, come on Grunkle Stan!” the girl complained. “I’ve introduced you to half the town, and so far the only person you’ve hit it off with is Soos!”

 

“Don’t take it personally kid, I don’t plan on gettin’ emotionally attached to anyone in this town. ‘Cept you kids, course.”  The old con man said.

 

“Grunkle Stan, maybe if you just give some of these people a chance, you’d want to stay here in Gravity Falls.” 

 

“Mabel, this whole town is quelfed!” Stan exclaimed.

 

“What do you mean?” Mabel asked in confusion.

 

Her uncle sighed wearily, and took it from the top. “My brother may not think so, but I  _ do  _ realize what a big risk it was to open the portal and bring me back. I know what kind of consequences we’re dealin’ with here. I know Ford’s workin’ on sealin’ that rift, but Bill’s comin’. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. And when he does… well, I’m not so worried about you an’ your brother, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like you two are survivors. You’ll find a way to make it together. 

 

“But these townspeople? They barely know up from down! They don’t realize they got monsters running around in the woods, they line up around the block just to get a look at a party thrown by shazbots who won’t even let them in when a ghost is threatenin’ them, and they couldn’t keep my stupid brother locked up for more than a few hours! I thought my only hope was gonna be to fight Bill when I got the chance, but now… now it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for survive.”

 

“We can still fight Bill!” Mabel insisted. “We’ve beat him before!”

 

“Yeah, but he keeps on comin’ back. I’ve been lookin’ for a way to beat Bill for good the last twelve years.” Stan paused a moment, debating whether or not he should tell this story.  “You remember that story I told you ‘bout the time I invited Bill an’ my brother into my dream at the same time, and I found out Ford’s portal was operational, but he wasn’t gonna open it? Well, after that, things got weird. Well,  _ weirder _ . I’d let Bill into my mind, and he wasn’t about to let me forget it. He couldn’t take control of me like a lot of other idiots who’d made a deal with him, but he was in my head day and night, messin’ with me, makin’ me see things. I was already in bad shape, I couldn’t take care of my stump properly by myself, I was still on the run from the royals I’d stolen the star rubies from, and Bill messin’ with my head on top of that wasn’t makin’ things any easier. I would’ve been a goner if it hadn’t been for her.”

 

“Her?” Mabel asked.

 

“Some giant space chick called Jheselbraum.” While Stan’s words weren’t exactly reverent, his voice certainly was. His tone softened considerably, and he lowered his gaze as if momentarily lost in a memory. “She’s the nicest person I’ve ever met, if not the nicest person in the multiverse. She swooped in an’ took me to her super-secret lair in the mountains, fixed me up, set me straight about Bill and what the jerk wanted with me an’ my brother, never expectin’ a single thing in return. She even gave me a way to keep Bill outta my head, even if it meant I wouldn’t be able to talk with Ford in my dreams anymore. Honestly, that seemed more like an extra perk at the time.” He leaned over the table towards Mabel and parted the hair at the back of his head, revealing an irregular patch of white. “Put a frellin’ metal plate in my head. See where the hair’s gone weird? That’s from the scar. I started growin’ my hair out to cover it up.

 

“Anyway, where was I… oh yeah. Once Jheselbraum explained what Bill’s deal was to me, I figured out  _ he  _ was the reason my brother wouldn’t open the portal. It was pretty obvious I’d have to get rid of that monster if I wanted to get home. No Bill, no reason Ford shouldn’t open the portal. So Jheselbraum set me up with a robo-arm, gave me a few pointers on Bill, and sent me on my way. 

 

“Right before I left, she told me I’d see my family again. It took so long, I started wonderin’ if she was messin’ with me the whole time, but… here I am. Never should’ve doubted her.”

 

“So wait, if you spent all that time looking for a way to beat Bill, you must’ve found some stuff that can help us, right?” Mabel asked hopefully.

 

The old con man sighed. “It’s hard to learn anything about someone like Bill. Anyone who ever did know anything about him is either on his side, driven insane, or dead. For all those years of searchin’, it seemed like all I ever found was dead ends… until…” He looked around surreptitiously. “Hey, is that cute waitress watchin’ us?”

 

“No.”

 

“Anybody else?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

“That’ll have to do. There a bathroom in this place?”

 

“Yeah, follow me!” Mabel led her uncle to the restroom. He gave another fruitive glance to make sure no one and nothing was watching, grabbed Mabel by the wrist, and darted through the door.

 

“Hey! This is the boy’s bathroom! I can’t be in here!” Mabel protested.

 

“Hey, keep it down!” Stan shushed her as he carefully inspected the bathroom graffiti. He found one that was vaguely triangle-shaped and slapped a square of wet toilet paper over it.

 

“And I thought Grunkle Ford was paranoid…” Mabel muttered under her breath.

 

“Ok.” The old man nodded, satisfied that there was no way they were being watched. He twisted the round end of his staff, revealing a hidden compartment. “Feast your eyes on this!”

 

The end of the staff glowed blue, until Mabel looked directly at it. Then, there was just a plain old chunk of rock. “Uh, this is just a pebble.”

 

“Not exactly. It’s like some sorta quantum thingy. Like Schrodinger’s Cat or whatever.” Stan explained. Mabel looked at him blankly.

 

“Uh, when you look at it, it’s normal. When you look away, it’s radioactive and junk..” He tried again.

 

“Oooooookaaaaaay.” Mabel said slowly. That made slightly more sense.

 

“So not too long ago, maybe second-to-last dimension I was in before I got back here, I ran into a parallel universe version of Ford, where he somehow managed to fix the portal so it wouldn’t work for Bill with some help from his friend/assistant guy. But Bill still had control of Ford. It was my brother’s dream come true, but he couldn’t even be on the same floor as the portal without that jerk monster taking hold of him. Obviously, they were pretty invested in gettin’ rid of Bill too. So assistant guy and I use the good portal to go lookin’ for some theoretical elements or whatever that could ‘disrupt Bill’s extradimenstional form’ or somethin’ like that. Honestly, a lot of what they were sayin’ went over my head. What I got out of it was we were gonna make a gun to blow up Bill. 

 

“Anyway, me an’ the assistant guy went to some super-bizarro-paradox world where we found this.” He gestured with his stump to the plain looking rock sitting in the hidden compartment of his staff. “We were in the middle of arguing over what to call it when his parallel/bizarro version showed up an’ he had to split. The jerk left me behind! Luckily I already had my own resources for dimension-hopping by then, but still! I’d wanted to talk to them about what they’d done to fix the portal and pass it on to my Ford somehow, but I never got the chance. So I had a piece of quantum junk that  _ might _ be the key to beatin’ Bill, and no idea what to do with it.

 

“But in the end, none of it mattered. I showed up here maybe a week later. Turns out I didn’t have to fight Bill to get home. I’ll just have to fight him if I want it to  _ stay  _ home. And so far, I’m not likin’ the looks of my allies.” He said gravely as he closed the compartment in his staff.

 

“Hmm…” Mabel was deep in thought. “This assistant guy… did he have a really big nose, talk like a crazy robot-obsessed Colonel Sanders, and play the banjo?”

 

“Uh, yes to the first two, not sure about the last one.” 

 

“That must have been parallel McGucket! Maybe he and Grunkle Ford can figure out what their parallel versions were gonna do with it!” Mabel suggested.

 

Stan grumbled. “I was afraid you were gonna say somethin’ like that.”

 

Mabel took his hand gently. “Grunkle Stan, I know you’re really mad at your brother right now, but you both wanna stop Bill and protect your family, right?”

 

“...Yeah.” Stan huffed.

 

“And the best way to do that is to work together, right?”

 

“Alright, I get it! That doesn’t mean I gotta like it. Now come on, let’s get outta here.” He climbed on top of the toilet and opened the window.

 

“Why are you trying to climb out the window?” Mabel asked.

 

“I don’t have any money to pay for lunch, do you?”

* * *

  
  


It was nice and cool in the shade of the forest as they walked home that afternoon.

 

“Thanks for today, kiddo. I feel a lot better gettin’ that all off my chest.” Stan thanked the young girl skipping beside him. “Sorry to dump all that on you, though.”

 

“Pch, that’s what family’s for, dum-dum!” Mabel pushed him playfully.

 

“Eh…” the old man shrugged. “Oh, hey, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t repeat any of that to Ford or your brother. It’s kinda… personal.”

 

Mabel made an exaggerated face of thinking it over. “Ok, but  _ only if you  _ promise you’ll tell them yourself!” 

 

“Yeah, sure, I promise. Whatever.”

 

Stanley had to be going soft. He actually felt bad for lying to her like that.


	29. Is Politics a Legitimate Job?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stan runs for mayor.

It was either very late at night or very early in the morning. Stan wasn't used to sleeping through the night though, so he wasn't really surprised he'd woken up. It had become his habit over the past week or so to wake up in the middle of the night and patrol the house. He knew he probably wouldn't find anything, but it made him feel better, and he actually had caught a cycloptopus trying to sneak into the basement once. 

 

He slunk through the hallways, room to room, silently as possible, with the lights off. He didn't want any potential threats to know he was there (even though he knew there probably weren't any). He didn't want to wake up the kids (even though those kids were the heaviest sleepers he knew). He didn't want to wake his- (Nope, he definitely didn’t care if he woke Ford up. What a joke. Like Ford ever slept). He was checking the front entryway when he tripped over a waste paper basket. He tried to steady himself, but catching your balance was twice as hard with just one arm. The spilled contents of the trash did very little to break his fall. 

 

Stan swore in several different alien tongues as he picked himself up off the floor, switching on the hall-light. The element of surprise was already gone, and if his crash-landing hadn’t woke the kids, nothing would. The old man began picking up the spilled papers and dropping them back in the trash, but he paused as he caught a red stamp emblazoned across a partially torn envelope.

 

**THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING**

 

At first Stan thought it had to be a scam. He’d done a few similar ones in his day. But when he opened the bill and read it, he found a tell-tale sign that it was authentic.

 

It didn’t ask to send the money anywhere, or to bring it anywhere special, or to call a certain number with his credit card and Social Security. It just warned Ford that his electric bill was huge and needed to be paid by the end of the month, or he’d lose power to his house. 

 

Stan found several similar letters from the water and phone companies, as well as a mortgage statement. All of them appeared to be authentic, and all of them were crumpled and ripped up. Stan actually had to piece a few of them together, but now he was curious. Just how much financial trouble was Ford in?

 

Of course, Stan was intimately familiar with financial trouble; with repo men and debt collectors and far worse than that. But for some reason, he didn’t like the idea of Ford living with that hanging over him, even if it was a watered-down, sanitized version compared to what Stan had been through. 

 

Stan knew he shouldn’t care. Ford wasn’t his problem, not anymore. And yet, as he finished throwing every last scrap of late notice and overdue payment letter into the trash, he couldn’t help but wonder if there was anything he could do to help.

* * *

  
  
  


Stanford descended the stairs and made his way to the kitchen for breakfast, his feet sloshing in his slippers with each step. For reasons completely beyond his understanding, Mabel had decided she needed them to carry milk in. He was surprised to find the kids watching nervously as Stanley struggled valiantly to screw in a new lightbulb into the hanging lamp above the table with his one arm. 

 

“What are you doing!?” Ford asked in alarm.

 

“What’s it look like I’m doing?” Stan growled.

 

“I mean why are you… that light shouldn’t need to be changed.” The old scientist clarified. 

 

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I needed some light bulbs to make Soos a planetarium suit, and I couldn’t find any spares, so I took a few from around the house.” Dipper explained. 

 

“I don’t keep any spares, these are special light bulbs I developed myself, they’re supposed to last over a hundred years.” Ford was a little annoyed that Dipper had used such a valuable invention for such a trivial thing without asking, but he couldn’t really fault the kid. He hadn’t known. But that still left the question of Stan….

 

“Where did you even get those?” Ford asked his brother.

 

“What do you care?” Stan retorted.

 

“Did you steal them?” The old researcher asked accusingly.

 

Mabel gasped, scandalized.

 

“I shop-lifted them. There’s a difference.”

 

“Not really.” Dipper corrected. 

 

Ford sighed heavily, trying to pick his next words carefully. “Stan, I know… I’m sure there have been many times throughout your life where you’ve felt that stealing was necessary… but you really don’t need to anymore. If you ever need anything while you’re staying here, just tell me, I’ll buy it for you, even give you some cash if you want.”

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, cuz you’re just raking in the dough with your teacher’s salary.” 

 

Ford flushed. “I have sufficient for my needs.” Which wasn’t strictly true.He was way behind on his mortgage payments, and the energy company was probably going to turn off his power and water next month, but by then the kids would be home and whether he liked it or not, Stan would probably be long gone. So it was nothing he needed to concern them with. Ford was resourceful, he could probably build his own power source and collect moisture from the atmosphere or something. 

 

If the world was still turning by that point. 

 

Stan continued in his attempts to screw the light bulb in, but the hanging lamp kept swinging around, preventing him from getting enough purchase to thread the stem of the bulb in. It was too high for him to steady it with his remaining stump of a right arm.

 

“Do you need help?” Ford asked. 

 

Stanley didn’t even dignify the question with a reply. He just shot a glare at his brother that could curdle milk. 

 

The awkward situation was interrupted by the arrival of Soos, who had come over unannounced as he often did. 

 

“Dudes, you gotta turn on the tv to Gravity Falls Public Access!”

 

They all followed the young mechanic into the living room, where he flipped on the tv to show a report on the death of the mayor of Gravity Falls, Eustace Huckabone Befufflefumpter. The reporter was besides herself, not with grief, but because she had an actual news story to report on. There was going to be a meeting in town hall later that afternoon about electing a new mayor.

 

“We should go to the meeting.” Ford said gravely. “In a place like Gravity Falls, a new mayor could really change things… for better or for worse. Or we could just get another clueless idiot, and things will stay pretty much the same.”

 

“You’re gonna come with us, right?” Mabel asked Stan hopefully.

 

Of course, Stan hadn’t had any intention of going, but when Mabel looked at him with those big brown eyes and flashed that friendly, metal-mouth grin, he decided maybe he would go after all.

“Yeah, sure. Why not?”

* * *

  
  
  


The town hall was packed. There hadn’t been a mayoral election in Gravity Falls in almost a century, and knowing the wacky laws of the town, everyone was curious to know what the upcoming election entailed.

 

“Alright, order! Order everyone!” Sheriff Blubbs called out from the podium. “We’re here to choose a new mayor, and according to the town charter, a worthy candidate is defined as anyone who can cast a shadow, count to ten, and throw their hat into the provided ring.”

 

Deputy Durland placed a hoolahoop on the ground in front of the podium. A large, familiar straw hat immediately landed in the center.

 

“Well now, I do believe I fulfill all the requirements.” Bud Gleeful crooned in his usual car-sales-pitch voice. 

 

“Uh-oh.” Dipper muttered.

 

“See, this is what I was afraid of.” Ford said. 

 

“Maybe it’s nothing to worry about!” Mabel reassured them. “Maybe he’s completely forgotten that we threw his son in jail!”

 

Bud stepped up to the podium and addressed the crowd. “Folks, I know my family’s had its fair share of whoopsie-daisies in the past, but I’d like to make up for that by formally announcing my candidacy for mayor of Gravity Falls! Any questions?”

 

Toby Determined raised his hand, “Are you still in contact with Lil’ Gideon?”

 

“That’s a great question! You get 50% off a slightly used car!” Bud deflected the question, “In fact, everyone look under your seats! 50% off for everybody!”

 

Almost all the adults in the room were losing their minds over Bud’s deal. Even Mabel was excited to get a colorful piece of paper.

 

“We can’t let Bud win.” Ford growled. “If he does, he’ll undoubtedly pardon Gideon, and if we have him to deal with on top of everything else…”

 

“Why don’t you run?” Dipper asked. “I bet you’d win! And be a great mayor!”

 

Stan grumbled in the seat beside him, but didn’t say anything.

 

“Are you kidding? I can barely keep a classroom of high schoolers under control, much less an entire town! Besides...” the old scientist gestured down to the floor. The kids glanced down and realized he wasn’t casting a shadow.

 

“What!?” Dipper exclaimed, “How… when did this happen?”

 

“Oh, I had a run-in with a shadow-snatcher a few weeks ago.” Ford said simply, as though it wasn’t a big deal. “Don’t worry, I’m fairly certain it’s not permanent.”

 

Back at the podium, Bud was trying to wrap things up. “So, since everyone’s happy, I’ll just take the oath of office now, hmmm? Sound good to y’all?”

 

Suddenly, another hat fell into the ring. One that Ford recognized. It was the fez his father used to wear! But who…? He turned his head to see Stanley was on his feet. 

 

“Hold it right there, ya troq!” Stan shouted. “I’ll take you on!”

 

Bud laughed nervously, “And who might you be, stranger?”

 

“Someone who can see this town needs big changes, and I don’t think you’re the guy who’d make ‘em.” 

 

“Oh so? And what kinda changes are you proposin’?”

 

“Well, the people in this town could stand to learn some self-defence, for one!” 

 

Bud guffawed and shook his head. “Folks, I don’t think any of y’all needa change a thing! Vote for me, and I’ll make Gravity Falls great again, and best part is, y’all won’t have to lift a finger!”

 

“That doesn’t even make sense!” Stan barked. “How can you make everything great without change?” He turned his attention to the crowd. “Come on, people! Are you really gonna let fat-face here just waltz away with the sash, or are we gonna have a real election?”

 

Everyone gasped. “Oh snap!” A mild-mannered voice called from the back.

 

A second passed, and suddenly everyone was throwing their hats into the ring. “Get in there cap!” Tyler shouted, throwing in his own hat.

 

Bud forced a smile on his face and congratulated all the candidates, but it quickly slipped into a scowl as he muscled his way through the crowd and up to Stan. “I thought I recognized your face. Obviously, you’re a part of the Pines family. I was gonna let bygones be bygones, but now…” He glanced over Stan’s shoulder to share his glare with Ford and the kids, “Y’all have made a powerful enemy.”

 

“You really expect me to be intimidated by someone I used to give detention to?” Ford smirked.

 

Bud’s intimidation tactics were interrupted by the blast of a cannon. “Let the madness begin!” Sheriff Blubbs called out. Bud was swept away in the tide of townsfolk chanting “Election”, leaving the Pines family to themselves.

 

“Stanley, what do you think you’re doing!?” Ford demanded.

 

“I’m running for mayor!” His brother answered, “Did I … Did I not make that clear?”

 

“Grunkle Stan, I’m glad you’re taking the initiative in getting yourself back into society, but maaaaaaaybe this is too much too soon.” Mabel said, “It’s not that we don’t think you can do it--”

 

“No, Mabel we need to be honest with him.” Dipper cut her off. “We don’t think you can do it.”

 

“Izzat so?” Stan asked, turning to Ford. The old researcher looked away, clearly agreeing with the kids, but unwilling to say as much. “See, this is why I’m running! To prove to you yahoos that I can have a legitimate job!”

 

“You call politics a legitimate job?” Ford asked incredulously.

 

“Ok, so maybe I’ll still be a bit of a crook,” Stan admitted, “but at least people will respect me for it!”

 

The rest of his family gave Stan an appraising look over.

 

“Stan does have a kind of charisma.” Mabel pointed out.

 

“And he does like debating things.” Dipper added.

 

“Maybe we can make this work.” Ford nodded.

 

“I’m glad to know my own family has such faith in me.” Stan rolled his eyes as he shoved a few votes into an empty ballot box.

 

“Are you committing voter fraud already!?” Dipper asked exasperatedly.

 

“What, no one else is here!”

* * *

  
  
  
  


They set up headquarters for Stan’s campaign in the living room, filling it with signs, flags, and telephones. They even wrote a campaign slogan on Waddles. Soos, Wendy, Grenda, and Candy had all come to help. Ford had pulled out his old research on Quentin Trembly and the founding of Gravity Falls.

 

“Gravity Falls elections,” He explained, “are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein the townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they wish to vote for. At the end, a freedom eagle is released, which supposedly will bestow a birdly kiss upon the candidate with the most seed, anointing him mayor.” He frowned and rolled the scroll back up. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read.”

 

“Just what we’d expect from the great Quentin Trembly!” Mabel grinned, picking up one of the phones. “Ok Grunkle Stan, you ready for your first radio interview?”

 

“I got my mouth, don’t I?” Stan crowed confidently, taking the phone from her.

 

“Hello!” They heard Toby Determined greet them from the other end of the line. “Candidate Pines, first question: How do you feel about the American flag?”

 

“Uh, which one is that again?” Stan said blankly. “I been outta this dimension for a while, I don’t really remember.”

 

Ford made a grab for the phone. “You can’t say that over the radio!” he hissed. Stan growled and kicked him away.

 

“What was that?” Toby asked when some of their fight carried over the phone.

 

“Nothin’, just interference with the signal or whatever.” the old con man assured him. Dipper held up one of the many American flags from around the room for his Grunkle to see. “Oh yeah, that one. Eh, too stripey for my taste. Next question.”

 

Dipper facepalmed. 

 

“What would you do to help educate our kids?” Toby continued.

 

“Ha, finally askin’ the important questions!” Stan grinned. “It’s simple. Put ‘em on an island and make ‘em fight for dominance. Nothin’ teaches survival faster. Plus, that way we find out who our best warriors are. Then I’d start trainin’ the top fighters in multiviersal combat.”

 

Mabel and Dipper shared appalled looks, and Ford made another grab for the phone. Stan dodged him easily.

 

“And what would you do about the crime in Gravity Falls?” Toby moved on.

 

Stan chuckled nervously. “Uh, why do you ask? It’s not like there’s been a rise in crime since I showed up, right?”

 

Dipped finally decided to literally pull the plug on him. “Ok, that’s our first interview done. PR team, how’s it looking?”

 

Candy showed them a graph on her laptop. “You started with an approval rating of zero; now it’s a number less than zero.”

 

“Lots of Hunger Games memes, with a few Lord of the Flies thrown in for classics’ sake.” Wendy scrolled through her phone. “None of them good.”

 

“Look Grunkle Stan,” Mabel said comfortingly, “I know you’re worried about Gravity Falls surviving the apocalypse, but maybe first you should focus on the issues that the people are a little more familiar with.”

 

“And you can’t talk so freely about other dimensions and the multiverse to the public, people will think you’re crazy! Believe me, I know!”  Ford berated him, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I was hoping we wouldn’t have to resort to this, but from now on I think you’d be better off with…  _ prepared  _ remarks.”

 

“Oh, so you don’t think I can do it on my own?” Stan roared. “You’re just trying to make me into a fake like that Buddy guy!”

 

“I’m  _ trying  _ to help you!”

 

“And what makes you think I want  _ your _ help?”

 

Ford’s face hardened like a stone. “Fine. I’m tired of fighting with you.” He left without another word or a glance back.

* * *

  
  
  


Dipper found Ford down in what remained of the portal lab. (The boy had committed all the passcodes to memory after learning them last week when they’d had to rush down there) The old scientist was hunched glumly over his desk, skimming over one of the Journals but not truely reading it, and fiddling with something in his hand. 

 

“Hey.” Dipper called to him cautiously, wondering if it was a good time to talk. “What’re you working on?”

 

Ford’s head shot up, but he relaxed when he saw it was just his nephew. “The rift containment unit is already cracking.” He said gravely. “I’m trying to find a way to seal it up permanently.”

 

The boy gulped and decided to change the subject. “What’s that?” He pointed to the long colorful stip of cloth Ford had been fiddling with.

 

Dipper thought he saw a shadow of guilt pass across Ford’s face as he held it up to reveal a tie with a stars and stripes pattern. “Just an old grad-school project. I’d thought it could help Stan win the election, but…” He let the sentence hang. No need to finish it.

 

“What’s it do?” The boy asked.

 

“It allows you to take direct control of whoever’s wearing the other tie.” He pointed to a second one poking out of a drawer. “Turns them into a literal talking head. Ronald Reagan’s masters took the final version for themselves, but I held on to the prototype.”

 

“Whoah, that’s amazing!” Dipper breathed in awe, “And ethically ambiguous! If we used this on Stan, we could beat Bud for sure!”

 

“Yes, well, Stan’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want my help.”

 

“He doesn’t want help from you… but maybe he’d accept help from me and Mable?”

 

“Mabel and I.” Ford corrected him automatically.

 

Dipper ignored him. “The stump speech is in a couple of days, and if Grunkle Stan keeps this up we’ll lose to Bud for sure!”

 

The old scientist scratched his chin thoughtfully. “I suppose you could try and ask him to use it, but I really don’t foresee Stan agreeing to it.” He handed the ties over to his nephew. “Be sure to use it responsibly.”

* * *

  
  
  


The first thing Mabe and Dipper did was test the ties out on Soos without letting the young mechanic know what was going on. 

 

“Mind control is awesome!” Mabel cried as she made Soos eat a pinecone.

 

“Now all we have to do is get Grunkle Stan to wear it and conveniently forget to tell him what it does.” Dipper said.

 

“Just like we’re gonna conveniently forget to tell him Grunkle Ford made it?”

 

“Exactly.”

* * *

  
  
  


Stan, Mabel, and Dipper were waiting backstage as they watched Tyler’s stump speech.

 

“Woah, he’s good. I’d probably vote for him if I wasn’t running.” Stan admitted.

 

“Before you go on, we have something for you!” Mabel presented him with the tie.

 

“Uh, thanks, but it’s not really my style.” 

 

“It’s a lucky tie! From both of us!” the girl insisted, giving him big puppy-dog eyes for added measure. 

 

Stan chuckled. “Alright, if it means that much to you.” He slipped on the tie and  walked on stage.

 

“Ok, we’ll only jump in if he starts doing badly.” Dipper said firmly.

 

“Hey folks!” Stan called from the stump-stage, “Let's get real here. Why are we spending money on useless stuff like public education and road repair, when we could be fortifying this city!”

 

“Jump in, jump in!” Mabel shook her brother.

 

Dipper quickly slipped the other tie on.

 

“I-I mean.. Uh, while education and road conditions are important, we should never lose sight of why we have these things: to protect our city… uh, from ignorance and isolation!”

 

The people in the audience nodded in approval.

 

“And speaking of protecting our city, let’s all give a big thank you to Gravity Falls’ tireless police force!” Dipper made Stan gesture over to Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Durland, who were both asleep. “I’m Stan Pines. You folks may not know me, but I believe in things. America! Freedom! Amerifreedom!!”

 

Dipper wasn’t quite sure what he was even saying anymore, but the people seemed to be liking it. One guy even looked like he was crying. “I don’t want to make Gravity Falls ‘great again’, I want to make it better than it’s ever been!”

 

The crowd cheered! Dipper couldn’t believe how well they were doing. Now he just needed a good way to wrap things up….

 

Mabel swiped the tie from him. “Now watch me break it down!” She started dancing energetically. At first Dipper was sure she’d just flushed their lead down the toilet, but the crowd went wild!

 

“How did you know to do that?” he asked.

 

“It’s the Napoleon Dynamite principle.” She said as she switched the tie off.

 

Stan staggered off the stage, breathing heavily. “What just happened?” He asked shakily.

 

“You were amazing, that’s what happened!” Mabel hugged him.

 

“Yeah, listen to all those people cheering!” Dipper agreed.

 

“No, I mean somethin’ really weird just happened…” he looked around suspiciously and noticed the tie Mabel was wearing. “Waaait a second, this tie is magic or some shef’th, isn’t it!?”

 

The kids grinned back at him sheepishly.

 

“Come on Grunkle Stan, you can’t argue with the results.” Mabel said.

 

Stan was about to make it very clear he could and  _ would _ argue with the results, when Toby Determined and several other members of the audience came back to congratulate him.

 

“There he is! Mr. Pines, can we get a picture?”

 

“Can we have a statement on your incredible turn-around for the 6’o’clock news?”

 

“Will you kiss my baby?”

 

“Will you sign my bread?”

 

“Wha…?” Stan didn’t know what to make of their attention.

 

“Grunkle Stan, they love you!” Dipper assured him.

 

“Love…? Me…?” The old conman repeated. A wide grin spread across his face. “On second thought, I’m ok with this!”

* * *

  
  


Over the next few days, the kids continued to use the tie for all of Stan’s interviews and public appearances, and they soon took the lead in the polls. Even though he had only come to town a week and a half ago, it seemed like everyone in Gravity Falls knew him and loved him. And Stan was loving the attention. He decided to go out on the town and take advantage of his new-found popularity. Mabel and Dipper found him in the Greasy's Diner, having some beavertail steaks on the house.

 

“Grunkle Stan, what’s with the leather fringe?” Mabel asked, commenting on his outfit, “And where’s your lucky tie?”

 

“Lucky tie, gotta wear it.” Dipper agreed.

 

“Yeesh, I’m just gettin’ a bite to eat, I don’t need ya to take the wheel for that.” Stan rolled his eyes. “I’m gettin’ to know the people on my own level, and lettin’ them get to know me! Ain’t that right ladies?” 

 

All the ladies in the diner cheered.

 

“Now just the ladies my age!”

 

One little old lady at the counter cheered feebly.

 

“Woof, never mind.”

 

Mabel laughed nervously. “Seriously Grunkle Stan, we need you to wear that tie.”

 

“Y’know, I’m not just doin’ this for kicks and giggles.” Stan huffed. “I decided to run for Mayor to get you two and my brother to respect me, but now you two are the only ones in town who don’t show me any respect!”

 

“We’d respect you more if you’d take things more seriously!” Dipper said indignantly.

 

“You think I’m not taking this seriously? There’s a lot more at stake here than you kids realize!” Stan shouted. 

 

“Which is why we need you to wear the tie, so you’ll win!” Mabel argued. 

 

“No, I’m through with the tie!” Stan slammed his fist down on the table, “I’m gonna prove I can win this election without meddlin’ from you, or my know-it-all brother!”

 

The kids were stunned silent. They exchanged a guilty look.

 

“Yeah, didn’t think I’d figure out where this thing came from, did ya?” He opened up the tie to show the circuitry inside. “There’s nowhere else you coulda gotten it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an election to win!”

 

“Stan, wait, you can’t!” Dipper called out to him, but he made no move to turn around. “Uhg, this is bad. If we want to beat Bud, we need another candidate before the election tomorrow!”

 

“What we need is a blank slate.” Mabel said “Someone we can mold to our whims.”

 

Soos came in from the bathroom, “Hey doods, can I get a little help? I got my head stuck in my shirt sleeve again.”

 

Mabel and Dipper shared a conspiratory glance.

 

“Dudes?”

* * *

  
  
  
  


Ford showed up to the election feeling very nervous for a plethora of reasons. He’d tried his best to say out of the way of his brother’s campaign since their latest fight, but from what he’d heard from Dipper, Stan had fought with the kids yesterday and they were both running on separate tickets now. Apparently Stan had found out where the tie came from and was not happy about it. Ford had been afraid that would happen. But now that they were running against each other, that just made it all the more likely that Bud would win. 

 

The old researcher was also nervous because he wasn’t sure how Stan would react if he saw his brother here. But regardless of how Stan felt, Ford wanted to take this chance to support his brother for the first time in far too long. 

 

It was the strangest election Ford had ever seen, and not just because of the birdseed and caged eagles. Mabel and Dipper had taken control of Soos as a last minute candidate, and the two of them were arguing while still leaving  the tie on, making Soos’s speech seem almost schizophrenic. But Soos wasn’t the only one acting peculiar. Bud Gleeful had taken on the mannerisms of his son Gideon, and Ford realized with a chill that the creepy kid had probably copied down some spells from Journal 2 before the scientist took it back. 

 

Despite the bizarre behaviour of his opponents, Stan was really struggling with the questions. So far he’d suggested the town upgrade their cannons and have skirmishes with surrounding towns in order to improve their offences, and called the Statue of Liberty “manish”. Gideon/Bud was taking the lead with the bird seed. 

 

After the intermission, a few more oddities cropped up. Gideon/Bud had disappeared during the break, and now Soos was looking around like he was confused as to how he got there. What had happened to the kids!? Ford began to muscle his way through the crowd towards backstage. He'd made it about half-way there when a scream sounded above the crowd. Tyler was pointing up in horror at the giant carving of old Mayor Befuffelfumpter, where a couple of figures we're dangling by a rope.

 

“Kids!” The elder twins yelled simultaneously. 

 

“Listen everybody! This debate is over!” Stan called out to the crowd, “I gotta go save my family!” He threw off the suit jacket he’d been wearing and left his podium.

 

“Uh, those are just some… demolition dummies. Nothin’ to see here folks!” Gideon/Bud insisted.

 

“Can it, Gleeful!” Stan shouted at him, dashing backstage.

 

Ford was continuing to muscle his way out of the crowd, which had become twice as difficult now that everyone was panicking. But what happened next shocked him so much, he paused in his struggles. Stanley was climbing up the scaffolding around the giant carving!?

 

“What is he doing!? He’s afraid of heights!” Ford exclaimed to no one in particular. 

 

The crowd was impressed by Stan’s endeavor, throwing so much birdseed to him that it was accumulating in piles at the base of the scaffolding, but it was also inhibiting the one-armed man’s progress.

 

“No, stop it!” Stan cried out, “Thank you, but climbin’ this thing’s hard enough as it is!”

 

When Ford finally made his way out of the crowd, it was clear Stan had a much better chance of reaching the kids in time, so the scientist turned his attention to the likely culprit who had put them in danger in the first place. Gideon/Bud was on the verge of a temper tantrum.

 

“No no no no! Not again!” The controlled fat man punched and kicked at his podium. Then he spied the remote detonator for the fireworks lying on a table backstage, forgotten in the commotion. “Time to take care of them once and for all!” 

 

“Oh no you don’t!” Ford tackled him to the ground. He realized too late that may have been a bad idea; Bud was significantly taller than him, and twice his girth.

 

Up atop the monument, Stan had managed to pull the kids back up to solid ground. They spotted Gideon/Bud and Ford fighting over the detonator. It didn’t look like Ford could hold the controlled man off for very long.

 

“Oh no, we have to get out of here!” Dipper cried.

 

“But we’ll never climb down in time!” Mabel pointed out.

 

“Climb nothin’, we’re jumpin’!” Stan scooped them both up in one arm. “Kids,” he said solemnly before he sprung, “If I die, make sure I get a bigger tombstone than Ford.”

 

Mabel and Dipper nodded in agreement, and the old conman leapt from the nose of the monument just as Gideon/Bud wrestled the detonator out of Ford’s grasp. The three jumpers screamed as the ground rushed up to meet them and the carving above them exploded. Stan’s giant pile of birdseed broke their fall like a drift of freshly fallen snow. The debate timer finished its countdown, and the freedom eagles were released. One of them landed on Stan’s shoulder and planted a kiss on his forehead. 

 

“Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines! Mayor Pines!” The assembled townsfolk cheered.

 

“I guess we know who won!” Dipper grinned.

 

Ford rushed across the stage and enveloped his three family members in a hug. “Don’t scare me like that!” He scolded them, and helped them all out of the pit of birdseed, with only minor protests from Stan.

* * *

  
  


“This just in: Stan Pines loses the election!” The evening news declared.

 

“What!?” The Pines family protested from their seats around the TV.

 

“Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him due to the fact that he has been legally dead for almost 30 years.” the reporter explained.

 

“We really should have seen that coming.” Ford sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.” The newscaster concluded.

 

Stan shut off the TV with a huff, and fell back into the couch sullenly.

 

“Aw, I'm sorry Grunkle Stan.” Dipper patted him on the back. “I actually think you as Mayor would've been fun.”

 

“Yeah, this town it pretty well quelfed now, but at least I proved to you non-believers I  _ could _ be the Mayor. That's what's really important.” Stan shrugged.

 

“Yeah, well, I knit you something anyway.” Mabel pulled out a brightly colored sash she had knit, with the words “Our Hero” stitched into it. “It's not official, but I think it fits.”

 

Stan took it reverently, his eyes misting up at the kids’ thoughtful gift.

 

“Are you…  _ crying _ !?” Ford asked incredulously.

 

“Shut up, I got campaign confetti in my eyes!” Stan barked. He rose to his feet and ran out of the room.

* * *

  
  


Much later that night, Stan came looking for Ford downstairs in the deconstructed lab. Sure enough,the old researcher was frantically reading through old notes and new data, trying his best to find a way to seal the rift permanently.

 

Ford looked up as his brother entered. Stan took this as his cue to start strutting. He puffed out his chest, showing off the sash Mabel had made him.

 

“You jealous?” Stan asked, “You always did want to play the hero, eh?”

 

“If you've only come here to pick a fight, then I have nothing to say to you.” Ford said briskly. Although, if he didn't know any better... he wouldn't say Stan was here to argue. It almost felt as though Stanley was...  _ teasing _ him, like back when they were teens.

 

“I saw you tryin’ to fight that fat troq earlier… you were just tryin’ to save the kids though, weren't you?” Stan said slowly.

 

“No!” Ford cried indignantly, “Despite what you may feel towards me, you are  _ all _ my family, and I care about  _ all _ of you. That's why I tried to fight a man twice my size, and that's why I'm down here working every night! So, if you don't have anything helpful to say, then--”

 

“Did it ever occur to you that I  _ am  _ here to help you?” Stan asked.

 

_ That _ caught Ford off-guard. “... What!?” He exclaimed after a moment  of stunned silence. 

 

Stan scowled. “That's what I thought; never even considered the  _ stupid twin _ could have something useful to contribute, even though I’ve been fightin’ Bill on my own for twelve years through more dimensions than I can count!”

 

“No, no, it's not like that at all!” Ford stammered. “I need all the help I can get! I mean…” he back peddled a bit, realizing that could be taken the wrong way. “Of course you must know a lot about Bill and dimensional vortexes. Maybe even more than I do. But you haven't exactly been approachable lately. I didn't think you  _ wanted  _  to help me.”

 

“Yeah, well, desperate times or whatever.” Stan muttered, slightly mollified.

 

“So… what can you help me with?” Ford asked curiously.

 

Stan pulled out his staff, and twisted the round end. Ford saw the end of the staff glow blue momentarily, before he looked into the secret compartment and saw a rather plain-looking chunk of rock.

 

“What is it?” Ford asked in awe, plucking up the rock and examining it carefully. 

 

“When you’re lookin’ at it, it’s a crappy piece of rock.” He took the pebble back from Ford and held it in his open palm. “But when you’re not lookin’...” He closed his hand, hiding the pebble from view. A soft blue glow emanated between his fingers. 

 

“Fascinating!” Ford exclaimed, grabbing the rock again and cupping his hands around it. He’d open his fingers a crack and peek at it every few seconds, playing with it like a little kids. “Where did you find it?  _ How _ did you find it?”

 

“I found it in some bizzaro-paradox dimension.” Stan explained, “And the less you know about  _ how  _ I found it, the better. Just trust me on that.” he watched as his brother continued to play with the stone. “Uh, Ford, you might wanna cut that out. It’s radioactive when you’re not looking.”

 

Ford put it down on his desk gingerly. “Well then why do you always keep it hidden in your staff!?”

 

“Cuz it’s got some micro camera in the compartment to keep it inactive.” Stan waved his worry off.

 

“Well, that is really cool, but something tells me that’s not why you showed it to me.”

 

“Supposedly this could be used to make a gun to blow up Bill.”

 

Once again the old researcher was stunned to silence. “You wouldn’t happen to know how to  _ build _ said gun, would you?”

 

“Never got that far.” 

 

“Do you at least know the theory behind it?”

 

“All I remember is somethin’ about ‘disrupting Bill’s extradimensional form’.” Stan huffed. “Y’know what, this was a stupid idea, nevermind.” He scooped up the rock and was about to place it back in the staff, when Ford grabbed him by the wrist.

 

“No, it wasn’t a stupid idea. I’m glad you showed me this. I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out, obscure theory is what I’m best at. It’s just…” The old scientist sighed and let go of his brother. “... having a gun to blow up Bill is a great back-up plan, but it’d be even better if he never even made to our dimension. I want to focus on sealing the rift first,  _ then _ we can work on this.”

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and how much progress are you makin’ on _ that _ front?”

 

“I’ll have you know, I had a breakthrough earlier this evening. I have two solid theories that just need testing.”

 

“Right. I get it.” Stan grunted. “The genius’s idea is better, dumb muscle’s is crap.”

 

“It’s not like that! I just...Uhg!” Ford groaned in frustration. “Fine. If it’ll make you happy, I’ll study this tonight and see what I can do with it. Who knows, it might be helpful on both fronts.”

 

“Glad you could see things my way.” Stan said with a smirk. As he left up the elevator, Ford couldn’t help but smile a bit to himself. That was the closest thing to a civil conversation he’d had with his brother in a long time.


	30. How To Scam Tourists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Stan finds his true calling.

One morning, shortly after the election, Dipper walked outside to find a rickety old RV parked out front. Stan was slapping a few bumper stickers on the back.

 

“Where did you get that?” the boy asked, although he already had a vague idea of the answer. 

 

“Let’s just say Gleeful’s Used Cars has got one less piece of junk to shill out to the suckers of Gravity Falls.” Stan said slyly.

 

“If you were gonna steal an RV, couldn’t you at least steal a nice one?” Dipper reasoned.

 

“This  _ was _ the nicest one.”

 

Mabel joined them on the porch. “Oh my gosh, are we putting stickers on things!? I wanna help!” She swiped a hand-full of stickers from her Grunkle and began plastering them wherever she felt they were needed.

 

“There,” Stan grinned as he placed the last sticker. “That covers all distinguishing features that could positively identify this as a stolen vehicle!”

 

Soos was the next to appear. “Dudes, are you going on a road trip adventure?” He asked eagerly.

 

“Eh, adventure, business venture. Pretty much the same thing.” Stan shrugged.

 

“What do you mean, ‘business venture’?” Mabel asked

 

“If there’s one thing I noticed in my two times visiting Oregon, it’s that this place is crawling with tourist traps.” Stan explained. “So I figured I’d go check ‘em out, see what kinda business they’re runnin’. Thought we could turn it into some family bonding type deal.”

 

“Yeah!” Mabel and Dipper cheered.

 

“Aw man, that sounds like so much fun!” Soos said wistfully.

 

“You wanna come along?” Stan offered.

 

“Really!?” Soos gasped.

 

“Yeah, sure, why no--” Stan’s casual response was cut off as Soos embraced him in a giant bear hug. “Whoa- whoa, whaddaya think you’re doin’!?” The old man struggled violently against the hug. Soos let go immediately.

 

“Sorry dude.” The young mechanic said sheepishly. 

 

“Nothin’ against you, kid,” Stan assured him after a few deep breaths, “Just… don’t ever pin my arm down like that. EVER.” 

 

“You got it.”

 

“Does this mean I can invite my friends too?” Mabel asked. 

 

“Sure. The more the merrier.” Stan grinned.

 

The comotion had attracted Ford, whose face fell as soon as he saw the RV.

 

“Y-you’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question. It was an observation. Something he’d expected. But hadn’t Stan said he’d stay while the kids were here? Ford had been hoping his brother would stay a few weeks more.

 

“We’re going on a road trip!” Mabel cheered.

 

Ford’s face morphed from sad to outraged. “What!? Stanley, if you want to leave… if that’s what you want... then I’m not going to stop you. But you can’t just take the kids! That’d basically be kidnapping! Their parents would kill us!”

 

Stan rolled his eyes “Relax, Poindexter, we’re only gonna be gone a couple of nights. I’m not leaving here for good without my car. Which you  _ still _ haven’t fixed.”

 

“Oh.” The old scientist’s rage quickly left him, although he was still annoyed. “Right. Well… I’ve had more important things to worry about than your car.”

 

“Yeah yeah, I know.” Stan waved his excuse off. “Go call your friends an’ pack a bag, ya termites.” He told the kids.

 

“I can’t spend the night outside the barrier, not without preparing wards or something, it’s too dangerous.” Ford protested.

 

“Yeah, well, you’re not invited.” Stan said flatly. 

 

Ford opened his mouth to protest, but he seemed to think better of it half-way through the motion. His nephew was more than willing to stand up for him, though.

 

“Come on, Grunkle Stan, you just said the more the merrier!” the boy complained.

 

“No, Dipper, it’s fine.” Ford smiled gratefully at him. “This is actually the perfect opportunity to run some experiments with sealing the rift that would be too dangerous to do with the rest of the family around.”

 

Dipper gulped. That sounded rather ominous. He was about to ask Ford not to do anything too dangerous while they were gone, when Mabel grabbed him by the vest and dragged him inside to pack.

* * *

  
  


“What if we come home and the house is gone!?” They’d barely been driving for ten minutes and Dipper was already freaking out. “What if we come home and  _ Ford’s _ gone!? What if we come home and he’s  _ dead _ !? What if we come home and the rift has opened and Bill’s there and--”

 

“Dipper calm down! Grunkle Ford can take care of himself!” Mabel assured him.

 

“Yeah right.” Stan rolled his eyes. Mabel shot a glare at him through the rear-view mirror. “Look, worryin’ yourself sick isn’t gonna do anybody any good. Just think about somethin’ else. Steal a pie or flirt with a girl or somethin’.”

 

“Well, there  _ is _ a girl…” Dipper said awkwardly.

 

Mabel and Soos immediately groaned. 

 

“Dude, I thought you were over Wendy.” Soos said.

 

“Wendy?” Stan asked, “Y’mean that tall ginger girl I taught how to hotwire a car yesterday?”

 

“Yeah!” Dipper answered excitedly, “She’s really cool, and smart! We’ve fought ghosts and a shapeshifter together, and we’re really good friends. D’you think I have a chance with her?”

 

Stan laughed for an uncomfortably long time before he noticed Dipper’s crushed expression. “Oh… oh blitznak you were serious? Uh, what I meant to say was…”

 

“Uhg!” Dipper groaned. “I knew it! But it’s not like I can just… flip a switch and stop liking her!”

 

“You gotta move on, dude.” Soos advised. “Meet some new people.”

 

“I would, but I’m terrible at the whole flirting thing!” Dipper moaned, “Every time I try to say something funny or smart, I just end up sounding like an idiot or a weirdo.”

 

“Lucky for you, I’m an expert on women!” Stan crowed. “Listen, when it comes to flirtin’, you gotta be confident. And be funny, but not too funny. And be kinda annoying, but in a loveable way.”

 

“Okaaaaay,” Dipper said slowly, “But how do I do that?”

 

“Alright, looks like we’re gonna have to start with lesson one.” Stan said. “We’re gonna keep it simple to start out with: the Three C’s! Confidence! Comedy! Crawzumith!”

 

“I don’t think that last one is a word in English.” Dipper pointed out.

 

“Oh, right, I think that’s Leilarian, sorry. But like I was sayin’...”

* * *

 

Stan continued to coach Dipper in his dating techniques until they reached their first stop: Granny Sweetkin’s Giant Yarnball.

 

“Alright, everybody out!” Stan declared as he parked the RV. “You guys have a look around, I’m gonna have a talk with the owner.”

 

A kindly-looking old lady manned the cash-register in the gift shop. Stan was happy to see the place was empty besides the two of them. That meant she was more likely to speak freely. The two of them exchanged an intense glance, sizing each other up. 

 

“Alright, be straight with me lady, what kinda business are you runnin’ here?” Stan asked. 

 

“Well, this is the gift shop.” She said conversationally, although there was a deadly glint in her eye.

 

“No, I mean, like is this a front for the mob or what?” Stan clarified. “Cuz’ I  _ might _ want in.”

 

“Oh-hohohohoh!” the old granny laughed, “The tourism business is  _ much _ better than running a front for the mob! No late-night gun fights, no dodging questions from the cops, no wondering if my supplier is going to get shot, and the money flow is much more reliable!”

 

“So you’d say it’s worth the pay cut?”

 

“Pay cut?” She laughed again. “I've been making almost twice as much now that I don't have to give a cut to the big boss!”

 

“And that's just with sellin’ this tourist junk.” Stan asked for clarification, “you're not selling drugs out the back or anything.”

 

“Oh heavens no! This is Oregon! People don't deal drugs, they have legal weed!” She looked at Stan more closely. “Say, you look familiar… didn’t you use to run pugs across the border?”

 

“Uh, no, you uh, must be confusin’ me with someone else.” Stan said awkwardly “I’ve never even seen a pug!” He ran out of the room before more questions followed. “Everybody in the RV! Now!” 

* * *

  
  


Down in the basement, Ford glared at the rift as it floated innocuously in its containment unit. The glittering blob of chaos energy seemed harmless, even beautiful. The  _ en echelon  _ fractures running across the dome said otherwise. The old scientist fidgeted with the flashlight in his hand, a size-changing crystal rubber-banded to the top. The improvised shrink-ray the kids had made was really quite ingenious. And hopefully it would be just what he needed to take care of the rift.

 

He carefully input the sequence to disengage the containment unit, and cautiously lifted the dome off the pedestal. The rift grew almost three times in size the moment it was free. Ford quickly turned on flashlight and began shrinking the rift. At first, it seemed to be working perfectly. He got it back to its original size no problem, but as he shrunk it more, it began to… wobble, for lack of a better word. At first Ford thought it was a good sign, perhaps the rift was closing in on itself! But then he realized it  _ was  _ closing in on itself… much too quickly! He switched off the light, but it was too late, the rift imploded on itself, shooting chaos energy everywhere. Ford quickly grabbed the rift containment unit off the shelf and turned it back on. It began to suck up the chaos energy like a vacuum, until it had all been re-contained in the glass dome. The rift, which had previously been a small blob floating inside the dome, was now a swirling mass that took up the entire volume. The fractures had all connected into one hairline crack running across the dome… but it appeared that it would hold. For now. 

 

Ford fell back into his chair and tried to steady his breath. The whole thing had only taken a few seconds, but it had nearly given him a heart-attack. He’d come this close to ending the world. It was really sad how often he’d done that. Ford had known the rift imploding was a possibility; that’s why he’d waited until his family was out for the day before he tried it, but he’d really hoped it would work. He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. 

 

He glanced over the many notes and gadgets he’d been working on since he’d opened the portal which littered his desk. His eyes fell on the small pebble Stan had left him with, the one that could possibly be used to build a weapon to disrupt Bill’s form. 

 

“ _ Yeah, and how much progress are you makin’ on that front? _ ” He remembered his brother commenting dryly on his attempts to seal the rift. And the infuriating part was, Stan was right, he  _ wasn’t _ making much progress sealing the rift. The last idea he had left was finding some sealant from Crash Site Omega and try and keep the rift containment unit intact that way, and it wasn’t the best idea to go down there alone without someone to keep an eye out for the old security drones.  

 

Maybe building a weapon to combat Bill directly  _ was _ their best bet. At the very least he could look into its uses while everyone else was away. 

 

Ford began running tests on the rock, observing its properties under various conditions both when it was visible and hidden. As he studied it, he began to formulate theories. He could understand how it could be used to create a concentrated beam of quantum instability. All he needed was a powerful enough magnetic field to direct the beam… but how would he keep it unidirectional? And how could he surround the substance with a strong magnetic field while still leaving an observational opening to activate its quantum instability? 

 

Ford spent the whole afternoon sketching blueprints and filling up chalkboard after chalkboard as he hammered out different issues and came up with new ideas, but as the sun began to set, it became clear that while he had a good grasp on the theory now, there were just too many advanced mechanical questions he wasn’t sure how to answer. He was going to need help, and there was only one person who could do it.

 

He only hoped Fiddleford would hear him out.

* * *

  
  


The dilapidated RV pulled into the parking lot for Upside-Down Town. The kids hopped out excitedly, Mabel and her friends were making barking sounds for some reason, and got onto the giant velcro wheel that rotated around and brought you to the upside-down entrance. 

 

“Velcro?” Stan asked incredulously, “Wouldn’t it be easier to just reverse the gravity inside the house?”

 

“They haven’t invented a way to do that yet in this dimension, Grunkle Stan.” Dipper said. 

 

“What? It’s 2012, isn’t it? We’re supposed to have flyin’ cars an’ smekk.”

 

Dipper shrugged and they rode the wheel up to the door. Inside the front living room there was a cute girl whose pigtails dangled towards the upside-down ceiling. Stan nudged Dipper with his staff.

 

“Alright kid, this is it! Be confident.”

 

Dipper took a deep breath and strutted forward as confidently as he could with velcro stuck to his shoes.

 

“Hi, I’m Dipper.” He said, striking up a conversation with her, “Crazy place, right?”

 

“Oh hi! I’m Emma Sue. You know, if you pretend we’re right-side-up, it looks like everyone’s hair is standing on end.” She replied.

 

Stan smiled fondly as he watched Dipper put those flirting lessons to work. The kid pretended to drop her camera, but caught it at the last second. Looked like he was doing just fine. Which meant Stan was free to move straight to the gift-shop and talk to the owner. 

 

The gift-shop was the one part of the place that was right-side up, which Stan supposed made sense. You couldn’t really hang T-shirts and keychains upside down, and you’d probably break more snow-globes that way. The owner was charging a family at the cash-register; he wore a stupid upside-down hat. Stan thought he looked like almost as big a sucker as the morons who bought all this junk. Who would pay seven bucks for a tiny blinking keychain with your name on it?

 

The old man leaned casually up against the counter. “Quite the gift shop you got here. You do pretty good business?”

 

“Yeah, pretty good.” The man shrugged.

 

“How much d‘you pull in annually?”

 

“What are you, a tax auditor?” 

 

“Ahahaha, far from it.” Stan laughed. “I’m just thinkin’ about startin’ my own shop is all.”

 

“Not around here, I hope.” The man said. “There’s already a glut of tourist attractions in this neck of the woods.”

 

“You ever heard of Gravity Falls?” Stan asked.

 

“Oh yeah! The big attraction there used to be Lil’ Gideon’s Tent-o-Telepathy.” The owner nodded. “But I heard he’s in jail now, so I guess there would be an opening in the market.”

 

“So back to the question of how much you pull in annually…” Stan restated.

 

“On average? What I report on my taxes is around $50,000 a year, but on a really good year I’ll make upward of $200,000!”

 

Stan let out a low whistle. “Nice. Well, thanks for the tips! Good luck with business!” 

 

“Thanks!” The owner waved to him as he left. “What a nice old man… wait, weren’t there snow-globes on this counter before?”

* * *

  
  


It was almost dark by the time Stanford arrived at the junkyard. He’d been worried the place would be deserted; neither he nor any of his family had seen hide nor hair of Fiddleford since that night they got their memories back. But the run-down little shack that had passed as McGucket’s shelter was looking nicer and cleaner than it ever had, and a warm light could be seen through the window. 

 

Taking a deep breath, Ford rapped lightly on the corrugated sheet of metal that was being used as a door. 

 

Fiddleford was at the door in an instant, brandishing a blow-torch threateningly. “I told ya kids to stay--” He paused when he found his unexpected visitor. “Stanford… what are ya doing here?” His question wasn’t angry, like Ford had expected. It was just surprised and confused.

 

“I-I half expected you to be gone.” Ford said, “What with the portal…”

 

“I wanted to leave, but Tate wouldn’t come with me, and I couldn’t just leave without him, so…” he trailed off, “What  _ did _ happen with the portal? I saw the countdown start on my laptop, and the gravity anomalies, but the world doesn’t seem no worse fer wear now. Did ya decide to shut it down at the last moment, or was I wrong about how dangerous it was?”

 

“No, you were absolutely right!” Ford assured his old friend, “That’s why I’m here now, it’s just… it’s a long story.”

 

Fiddleford heaved a sigh and gave his old friend a tired smile. “Well, come in then.”

 

The old teacher plopped himself down on a barrel and began to fill McGucket in. At first Ford had only meant to explain the details of the portal and the rift, but then he had to explain where he’d gotten the quantumly unstable element and the idea for a weapon against Bill, and suddenly Ford found himself having to explain about Bill and all his issues with Stanley since his brother’s return. It was like a dam had broken inside of Ford, and suddenly all these emotions and anxieties were rushing out of him and he couldn’t stop himself. It was the wee hours of the morning before he finally ran out of steam. Fiddleford watched his old friend carefully, as though making sure Stanford was done before speaking.

 

“So… ya want me to help ya build some thingamawhatsit to stop that there monster.” McGucket surmised shortly.

 

“I don’t deserve your help after everything I’ve put you through, I know.” Ford said spiritlessly, unable to look his old friend in the eye, “But don’t do it for me. Do it for all the innocent people who don’t even know the danger they’re in.”

 

“Ah hush, I don’t want the world to end just as much as you don’t.” Fiddleford said confidently. “That ain’t a hard decision to make.”

* * *

  
  


As their road-trip continued, Dipper continued to practice flirting with every girl he met at each new stop. And with each new stop, Stan swiped more generic gift shop junk. Mabel and her friends just had fun exploring and goofing off, and they may have lost Soos back in the corn-maze. By the end of the day, Dipper had acquired several phone numbers and email addresses, and the back closet of the RV was full to bursting with souvenirs. They had stopped for the night at an RV park, complete with a hot-tub where Dipper and Stan were currently relaxing after a hard day’s work. 

 

“And so I said ‘Look, if you’re gonna have a whole planet devoted to gambling, there’s gonna be people gaming the system, don’t blame me.’ So he pulled a blaster on me!” Stan pointed to a scorch-scar just under his right arm-pit.

 

Dipper laughed, “Grunkle Stan, today has been amazing! Look at all these numbers and stuff I’ve got!” He raised his arms that he was already holding out of the water, covered in phone numbers and emails. 

 

“That’s the Stan Pines method, kid!” The old conartist grinned, “Works every time!”

 

“But…” the boy sighed, “I feel kinda bad flirting with all these different girls at once. I just wanna get over Wendy, I don’t wanna hurt anyone’s feelings.”

 

“That’s the best part about bein’ a drifter, kid!” Stan encouraged him, “You’re never gonna see any of these girls again!”

 

“You’re sure?”

 

“Yeah I’m sure, what are the odds?”

 

“Uh…” Dipper’s eyebrows knitted in concentration.

 

“It’s just a saying kid.” Stan said flatly. “Yeesh, you’re as bad as my brother.”

* * *

  
  
  


On the other side of the RV park, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda were sitting around the fire-pit, eating smores and playing “Truth or Dare or Don’t”.

 

“Ok Candy, your turn!” Mabel pointed her marshmallow roaster at her friend.

 

“I choose… don’t!” Candy declared.

 

Grenda rolled her eyes, “You always choose don’t!”

 

“Fine. Truth.”

 

A mischievous grin spread across Mabel’s face. “Do you…  _ like-like _ someone?”

 

Candy blushed. “Maybe a little … I  don’t know, it kind of just started today.”

 

“Tell us! Tell us!” Mabel and Grenda chanted.

 

Candy smiled conspiratorially, “Ok. It begins with a ‘D’ and ends with a ‘ipper’.”

 

“No.” Mabel gasped melodramatically.

 

“Yes.” Candy confirmed with her best serious face.

 

Mabel and Grenda began screaming excitedly, setting of a few local dogs and coyotes. 

 

“This is like a dream come true!” Mabel cried, “My best friend! My twin brother!”

 

“I can’t breath!” Grenda shouted.

 

“I’d never really thought of him that way before, but he has been different lately. Good different.” Candy explained, “But how do I approach him?”

 

“Don’ even worry ‘bout ith” Mabel said through a mouth-full of smores, “Mabel’s gof a pfan.”

* * *

  
  


Stan had a good feeling about this Mystery Mountain place. The girls giggled a little more than usual as they hopped out of the RV and rushed up to the entrance. Dipper, on the other hand, seemed like he was on the verge of a panic-attack.

 

“What’s eatin’ you?” Stan asked him.

 

“You’re flirting advice worked too well! I think Candy just asked he out on a date!” The boy cried frantically. 

 

“He-hey, nice!” Stan winked at him.

 

“No! I mean… Candy’s great, she’s really smart and sweet and she probably knows even more about monstermon than I do, but… I don’t know! It was different when I was flirting with girls who I knew I was never gonna see again! But this? This is happening way too fast!” He leaned against the RV and took a few deep breaths before he started hyperventalating. “Ok… ok I just need to tell Candy I-I’ve gotta think about this first.”

 

Stan shook his head and laughed fondly. “You’re lettin’ your brain get in the way, kid! If you wanna make it with the ladies, you’ve gotta be ready for whatever comes your way.” Stan caught sight of a vivacious, if a little old, but he couldn’t really talk, woman running the ticket booth. “Just watch.” He strutted up to  her.

 

“But… I don’t wanna lead Candy on…” Dipper stammered.

 

“Shh, watch and learn!” The old con artist whispered. “Hmm, I seem to have lost my number! Can I borrow yours?” He leaned against the ticket booth and shot a sly grin at the woman. 

 

She actually laughed “Oh, you are a riot!”

 

“What.” Dipper said flatly. The boy became more and more uncomfortable as his uncle flirted as obviously as possible with the ticket lady, whose name tag read “Darlene”. What Dipper really couldn’t believe was that she seemed to be eating it up.

 

“Y’know, I’m goin’ on a break soon, you wanna take the sky tram up to Widow’s Peak?” Darlene said coyly.

 

“Heh, only if you’re comin’ with me!” Stan grinned.

 

Darlene giggled. “Just let me go clock out.” She cast a glance back at Stan as she left. Dipper couldn’t decide if it was flirtatious or hungry.

 

“Grunkle Stan, don’t you think she’s a little suspicious?” The boy asked.

 

“Well yeah, obviously she’s not human, just look at the way she walks!” Stan agreed.

 

“So you’re not gonna go on the sky tram with her?”

 

“Sheesh, lighten up kid!” The old man rolled his eyes, “So she’s probably a man-eating monster, I’ve dated worse!”

 

“Aren’t you worried she’ll eat you or something?” Dipper asked.

 

“That’s the point of flirting kid, to get people to like you enough that they won’t kill you!” 

 

Their conversation came to an end as Darlene returned, minus the name tag. Stan slung his good arm around her shoulder. “Oh, such a gentleman!” Darlene crooned. 

 

“Take my advice or not, but obviously I know what I’m doing.” Stan muttered to Dipper as they left. 

 

Dipper sighed. It looked like he was going to have to take Candy out on that date after all.

* * *

 

Stan and Darlene’s ride up the sky tram mostly involved a lot of banter and story swapping. Darlene was a great listener, always gasping and laughing at the right time, and always quick to compliment him when she thought he’d been particularly brave or smart in a story. She was also quick to compliment him when he opened the door for her, or moved his staff so she could sit next to him, or brupped, or anything, really. Stan was really enjoying himself, and he was beginning to wonder if he should just tell her now that he knew she wasn’t human, or wait for her to reveal herself. He found an opportunity when they reached the woods at the top of the mountain.

 

“Oh, are you sure you wanna go this deep into the woods?” Darlene asked with an obviously fake air of fear. “It’s so  _ scary _ !”

 

“Heh, don’t worry, toots.” Stan assured her, “I can handle anything we run into up here. And I have a feelin’ you can take care of yourself too.”

 

“Oh really?” Darlene cocked an eyebrow curiously.

 

“Darlene, you weren’t far off when you said I was a man with secrets. Let’s just say I know my way around the weird on and off this planet. I’ve known you’re not human the whole time.”

 

“Aw, and you came up here with me anyway?” She asked sweetly.

 

“Yeah, what can I say, I’m just that sorta guy.” The old con artist crowed.

 

“Oh yeah.” Darlene agreed, walking her fingers up his chest before she reached his collar, which she grabbed viciously. “A real moron!” her fake face peeled away to reveal a hairy black face with many huge, shining eyes. Long spindly black legs tore out of her midriff.

 

“So you’re an Arachanite!” Stan observed. “That’s… uh, that’s interesting!”

 

“Do you seriously still not get it!?” Darlene asked in a distorted voice.

 

“Well, I  _ am _ beginning to think this isn’t going nearly as well as I thought it would.” Stan suddenly whipped his staff around and swung it hard into Darlene’s wrist, breaking her hold on his collar. He rolled away and made a run for it, leaving the path and trying to lose her in the woods.

 

“You think you can hide in the woods!?” Darlene called after him incredulously. “This is my natural habitat, lover boy!”

 

Stan crouched low between the roots of a tree and dug into the fallen brush and pine needles as quietly as he could to hide himself. It seemed to work; Darlene passed by a tree just a few feet from him and didn’t notice a thing. He might have been able to hide there until she gave up, if not for his walkie-talkie going off just a few moments later.

 

“Grunkle Stan, things went terribly with Candy! And with all the other girls I’ve met this week! I need your help!” Dipper’s voice crackled out of the offending device. “...Grunkle Stan? Are you there?”

 

Stan fumbled with the walkie-talkie and tried to switch it off, but it was already too late. Darlene’s monstrous spider head whipped around and locked all eight eyes on him. So he changed tactics.

 

“Dipper the giant spiders from the brochure are real and one’s after me! Help!” Stan yelled into the walkie-talkie.

 

“Grunkle Stan, this is serious!” Dipper’s annoyed voice called through the speaker, “All those girls from all the other tourist traps were there at once, it was super embarrassing, and what’s worse, I think Candy hates me now!”

 

“I’m not jokin’ around, kid!” Stan pleaded. “Darlene from the ticket stand, she’s-- aaaaauuuugh!”

 

Darlene had started spitting acid and spiderweb gunk at him, and managed to score a hit directly in his face. Suddenly he couldn’t see a thing. Stan listened carefully and tried to fend her off with his staff, but a gob of spider web got on his arm, sticking it to his side.

 

Stan’s breath hitched and suddenly he wasn’t thinking about the dangerous spider monster coming to eat him; all he could think about was getting his arm free. But the more he struggled, the more it stuck, the less he could move, and the harder it got to breath. His frenzied panic continued even after  he’d been completely cocooned. 

* * *

  
  


Getting Fiddleford onboard with the quantum destabilizer had worked even better than Stanford could have hoped. After just one morning of work they already had a working prototype. Their test had left a sizable hole in the wall of the lab, but it didn’t affect the structural integrity of the house, so Ford told his old friend not to worry about it. McGucket was just cleaning up and fixing to head back to the junkyard when Ford pulled out another set of blueprints.

 

“Uhm…” The old researcher said sheepishly, “I was wondering… this is kinda personal, but… I know I’ve already asked too much of you…”

 

“Just spit it out, Stanford!” McGucket chuckled.

 

“IneedhelpbuildingaprostheticarmforStan.” Ford let out in one quick breath.

 

“Ok.”

 

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you, I know, but--”

 

“Stanford, I said ok.”

 

Ford paused in mid-sentence and looked at his old friend curiously. “Why are you helping me? All I’ve ever done is get you hurt and ignore your advice when I really should have taken it.”

 

Fiddleford shrugged. “I feel more like myself when I’m helpin’ you than with purty near anything else.”

 

A small smile spread across Ford’s face. He still felt a surge of guilt for what he’d put his friend through, for what he’d put his whole family through, but it was reassuring to know his friend was willing to forgive him despite everything.

 

They spent the next hour or so brainstorming suitable materials and improvements on the blueprints. It was actually fun, like old times, working on a simple science project together, nothing world shattering or life-threatening. They made quick progress with the joints and frame; Fiddleford was an expert in robotics, especially making them move realistically. Stanford focused more on the casing and functionality. 

 

“What if he doesn’t take it?” Ford said out of the blue as they discussed what kind of casing they were going to use.

 

“Why wouldn’t he?” Fiddleford asked, “Seems to me like he’d be real happy to have this here newfangled limb. Heck, I might even want one o’ these ta replace my own arm!”

 

Ford knew his friend was joking around, but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh. “It’s just that… ever since Stanley came back, it seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He wouldn’t accept my help in the election, or even play a game with me and the kids. When I offered to fix his car for him he almost acted like it was an insult, like I was trying to gloss over everything that happened. What if he takes this that way too?”

 

“Stanford, you been bringin’ me food an’ clothes for the past thirty years, even though I threw most e’rything away, an’ I know there were more’n a few times I took it the wrong way. But ya never stopped. Why should yer brother be any diff’rent?”

 

Ford pinched the bridge of his nose. “That was more to try and ease my guilt.” He sighed in defeat, “Stanley’s right about me…”

 

“The fact that ya feel guilty,  _ really guilty _ , shows ya care.” McGucket assured him. “I know ‘cuz… ‘cuz that’s how I feel alotta the time. If ya really give up on him, you’ll jus’ be provin’ him right.”

 

Ford quirked a wry smile at that. “Yes, I’ll use my need to always be right to change his mind.”

 

“All I’m tryin’ to say is, ya at least gotta try. Maybe he’ll take it an’ maybe he won’t, but at least ya did whatcha could.”

 

The old researcher pondered his friend’s words for a moment before nodding. “You’re right. Let’s see if we can get a materials list together before everyone comes home.”

* * *

  
  


Dipper had been running all over Mystery Mountain looking for Mabel and her friends. He found them sitting on a bench on one of the nature trails. The did  _ not _ look happy to see him. 

 

“Betrayer!” Mabel accused him as he ran up to them.

 

“What do you want?” Candy asked bitterly.

 

Granda pounder her fist into her other palm.

 

“Guys, it’s Stan, he’s in trouble!” the boy pleaded.

 

“How do we know this isn’t another sick jealousy trap?” Candy asked.

 

“I know you’re mad at me, and you have every right to be! You can totally kill me later, but right now we need to save Stan from becoming spider-food. I’ll explain on the way!”

 

The girls exchanged glances and followed him. Saving Stan was more important than being mad at Dipper for being stupid.

* * *

  
  


Stan came to as the webbing surrounding his head was ripped off. He took in a deep breath, trying to steady his panicking heart. 

 

“Wakey-wakey Stanley!” Darlene said with a falsely sweet voice. 

 

“You!” Stan cried, “I’m 80% certain you don’t love me at all!”

 

“Chyah!” Darlene said. “Men will fall for anything! ‘You’re so funny, great story, I love a man with shoulder hair’!”

 

“Hey, I’ll have you know in some dimensions shoulder hair is really attractive!”

 

Darlene pulled him close with a spindly spider leg. “Tell me Stan, before I attacked, who did you really think was in control? You? With your cheesy pick-up lines and fake confidence? I’m the master pick-up artist here! This time, you’re gettin’ used for  _ your _ body! By which I mean food.” She transformed into her full spider form. “I wonder what beverage pairs well with a vintage 70-something year old man?” She skittered down into a passage.

 

“That’s  _ 60 _ -something!” Stan called after her. Now that Darlene was gone, all he could think about was how he was trapped. Struggle as he might, the spider chords had him completely immobilized, and trying to chew himself out just left a sicky mess in his mouth. 

 

After everything he’d been through, he wasn’t going to die like this, was he? The kids would be stuck out here, with no way home, wondering where he was. Of course, once they were gone too long, Ford would come looking for them…. Ford. They’d never made up. Of course, Stan had been purposefully trying to avoid it lately, but that was only because he was so sure Bill was coming, was so sure one or both of them wouldn’t survive, and it’d probably hurt less if they just stayed mad at each other. But now that he found himself actually facing death, and is such a stupid, anticlimactic way, Stanley was beginning to think he’d made the wrong decision. 

 

Stan mentally shook himself out of this train of thought. He wasn’t dead yet, and he’d been able to contact Dipper on the walkie-talkie. Surely the kid would round up the others and come looking for him. Those kids were smart and resourceful. If anyone could get him out of this situation, they could.

 

He waited quite a while, and he could actually hear Darlene returning, when he heard Mabel’s loud friend, Grenda, calling out his name.

 

“Over here, hurry!” Stan yelled as quietly as he could. A wave of relief washed through him when the kids rounded the corner first. Grenda pulled the spider silk off with her brute strength, and they all booked it out of there just as Darlene reached the chamber.

 

“No! Get back here!” the spider lady called out.

 

“To the sky tram! I have a plan!” Candy commanded. They all piled into one of the cars and slammed the door shut.

 

“Ride like the wind, sky tram!” Stan called. The sky tram lurched to a start… and slowly crawled its way down the line.

 

“ _ Welcome to Trambience, the world’s slowest treetop sky tram. Enjoy the sights at 0.1 miles an hour. _ ” The intercom said. 

 

“Uhg, there’s got to be a way to make this thing go faster!” Dipper said.

 

“ _ No, you can’t make it go any faster. This is Trambience _ .” The intercom said.

 

Darlene skittered across the tram cable and jumped onto their tram car, making it swing wildly. 

 

“We’re dead!” Dipper cried.

 

“Listen carefully!” Candy instructed, “The sky tram has an emergency drop switch, below us is Oregon’s largest Paul Bunyan statue, and Old Reliable goes off in five, four…”

 

“Oh so we get to splat instead of being eaten, great!” Stan yelled sarcastically. 

 

“Three… two…” Candy grabbed the release lever.

 

“Candy don’t!” Dipper pleaded.

 

“Now!” She pulled it anyway.

 

Everyone screamed as they went into freefall, but they only fell for about five seconds before they were caught by the erupting geyser below them. The geyser pushed them up into the air again, where they rolled into the giant Paul Bunyan statue, knocking the ticket stand from beneath his boot. And as luck would have it, that’s where Darlene landed.

 

“My only weakness! A giant boot!” She lamented.

 

The Pines family and company stumbled out of the crashed tram, shaken but no worse for wear. 

 

“Staaaaannnleeeey…” Darlene called out weakly, transforming back to her human appearance, “I’m sorry! I was just doing what comes naturally. You’ll help me out, right?”

 

“What!? After all that? Who do you think I am, an amnesiac?” Stan asked indignantly.

 

Darlene giggled. “You’re so funny! Have you ever considered being a comedian?” 

 

Stan grinned “Y’know, I actually did a few open mic nights on Lottocron 9! I probably could’ve gone somewhere with it, but they choose their full-time performers randomly. Here, let me help you up…”

 

The kids pulled Stan back as he tried to step forward and help Darlene. She almost snapped his remaining hand off.

 

“Oh. Right.” Stan said flatly.

 

* * *

  
  


The ride home was quiet. Mabel and the girls had fallen asleep from exhaustion in the back, and Dipper was staring at the many phone numbers and email addresses he’d accumulated thoughtfully. 

 

Stan sighed and broke the silence. “Kid, I gotta level with ya. I’m not really an expert on women. In any dimension. I’ve been divorced, slapped more times than I can count, and left high and dry more times than I care to admit. Confidence can get you far, but at the end of the day, pick-up artists like me end up making more trouble for ourselves than anyone else. When it comes to flirting, I’m really a failure.”

 

“Hey, we’re both failures.” Dipper reassured him. “And even if your flirting tips were bad, it worked as far as getting over Wendy goes. And I did learn to be more confident. Maybe I just need to learn to use what you taught me for good.” He glanced at Candy through the rear-view mirror. “Excuse me, I’ve gotta take care of something.”

* * *

  
  


It was nearly sunset when Ford heard the RV pull up in the driveway. Everyone seemed exhausted as they hopped out, but none the worse for wear. 

 

“How was the trip?” Ford asked.

 

“Great!” Mabel replied, “We only almost died once!”

 

“...Same here.” Ford said after deciding not to ask for details. “Where’s Soos?” he asked when he noticed the young mechanic was missing.

 

“Y’mean he hasn’t hitchhiked back from the corn maze yet?” Stan grunted as he unloaded large box of snow globes, keychains, and various other souvenir junk.

 

“What do you mean ‘hitchhiked back from the corn maze’?” The old researcher asked incredulously, “And why would you buy all this junk?”

 

“Please,” Stan scoffed, “Like I’d actually pay for this crap.”

 

“Ignoring the implication of theft,” Ford said flatly, “What are you going to  _ do _ with it all?”

 

“It’s a surprise.” Stan said with a mischievous grin.


	31. What is the Mystery Shack?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Pines family has a bit of a feud.

Stan snuck around the house, making sure his brother was locked up in the basement, doing whatever work he did with the rift every day. Sure enough, Ford was nowhere to be found. Meaning it was the perfect time to put his plan into action. He found the kids, Soos, and Wendy playing cards at the table in the living room. 

 

“Hey Grunkle Stan, what’s up?” Mabel asked as he sat down at the table with them. 

 

“I got a proposition for you kids.” Stan said, “I wanna put together a tourist trap of our own here, y’know, to bring in some extra cash. My brother probably hasn’t mentioned this, but he’s kinda low on funds right now. I was thinkin’ we could keep it a secret, surprise him with the money we bring in.”

 

“How are we going to keep running an entire tourist trap a secret from Ford?” Dipper asked incredulously.

 

Stan scoffed. “Please, with how much time he spends locked up in that lab we could probably throw a rock concert in the yard and he wouldn’t notice.”

 

Wendy’s face lit up. “We totally should!”

 

“One idea at a time, kid. I already got all the crappy souvenir junk for a gift shop. Now all we need is some crazy attractions to draw the crowds in.” 

 

“I can make some crazy attractions!” Mabel exclaimed, already enthusiastic about the idea, “I’m an arts and crafts master!”

 

“Yeah, and I could make some displays about all the weird stuff we’ve seen this summer!” Dipper added. “I could finally teach the people of Gravity Falls about all the paranormal activity that’s going on right under their noses!”

 

“I could help!” Soos chimed in, “I’m pretty good at building stuff.”

 

Wendy folded her arms sullenly. “Still think we should do the rock concert.”

 

“Alright, let’s take the day to come up with some ideas, then after dinner when Ford’s back in his nerd cave for the night, we’ll pool it all together and see what we’ve got.” Stan stood with a crafty grin. “And remember, we want it to be a surprise.”

 

Of course, the surprise wasn’t the only reason to keep it a secret from Ford. Stan knew his brother well enough to know he wouldn’t be on board with this idea. Hopefully they’d already be raking in the cash before Ford found out.

* * *

  
  
  


Dipper was looking for some construction paper to glue his description cards on when he found Mabel, who was filling up a sketchbook with concept drawings. 

 

“Hey Mabel, do you still have any Gnome beard-hair I could use in my display?” He asked.

 

“I taped a bunch of it in my scrapbook.” She pointed to a sparkly pink binder sitting on the shelf, “You can take a few tufts as long as you promise to leave most of it.”

 

“Thanks!” He opened the binder and pulled out a few strands of gnome hair. He couldn’t help but glance at Mabel’s drawings as he passed.

 

“What is that?” he asked curiously.

 

“A waffle, with big arms!”

 

“When have you ever seen one of those?”

 

“Nowhere, I made it up!”

 

Dipper frowned. “Mabel, we see real-life amazing stuff all the time! Why would you make stuff up when we could be giving people first-hand accounts of a gnome attack, or an eye-witness’ depiction of the Summerween trickster?”

 

Mabel blew a raspberry. “C’mon, Dip-dop, who says I can’t make stuff up?”

 

“I’m not saying you can’t make stuff up,” Her brother said defensively, “I’m just saying, if we’re gonna be putting this stuff on display for everyone to see, wouldn’t it be better to educate them about something real instead of just throwing whatever you feel like out there?”

 

“Well what’ve you got?” Mabel asked.

 

“Well so far I’ve just got the rough draft of the gnomes, but I want to do one for the Pterodactyl too, since I’ve got that tooth. Then maybe one for the Summerween Trickster, even though that’s kinda seasonal. Or maybe the Manotaurs, I could probably get them to agree to some pictures…”

 

Mabel looked over his notes, which included some amateurish illustrations. Despite Dipper’s lack of artistic skill, it was clear he was trying to mimic the professional scientific illustrations from Ford’s Journals. 

 

“Gnomes. Average height 1.5 feet, average weight 5 pounds, common habitat: the deep woods surrounding Gravity Falls, diet: scavengers… uhg, Dipper, this is like reading a textbook!” She groaned. 

 

“No it’s not,” He insisted, “It’s got fun facts!” He pointed to a card that read “Fun Fact: Gnomes can be blown away by a leaf blower!”

 

“Well, I guess we’ll see which one Grunkle Stan likes best after dinner.” Mabel said smugly. 

 

“Yeah, I guess we will.”

* * *

  
  


After dinner everyone gathered in the backyard to see what each of them had put together for the tourist trap. Soos had already put together some obviously hand-made but still nice looking signs and stands to display things on. Mabel had sheets upon sheets of colorful concept drawings. Dipper had a couple of trifold cardboard displays that looked more like a middle school project than anything else. Stan had glued a Jackalope head onto some buff action figure; where he’d found either of them was a mystery. Wendy hadn’t brought anything. 

 

“What the heck is that supposed to be?” The ginger teen asked, looking over Stan’s creation with a mixture of disgust and morbid curiosity.

 

“A six-pack-alope!” The old conman grinned.

 

Dipper and Wendy groaned. Mabel and Soos laughed.

 

“That’s awesome dude, I’m making a sign for that right now!” The young mechanic pulled out another sheet of scrap metal.

 

“How much didya spend on these signs, kid?” Stan asked.

 

“Not a cent!”

 

“Perfect!”

 

Soos beamed at the praise.

 

“Alright Mabel, what’ve you got for us?” Stan asked his great niece next. 

 

Mabel spread her art all over the back porch for everyone to see. There was a Snadger, a Fairy-Princess-Horse-Fairy-Princess, a Rainbow Wizard, a Living Breakfast, and a Criminal Caterpillar, among other things. Stan grinned as he looked them all over. “These are great! We’ll pick ten of ‘em that’ll be easiest to make and give ‘em pun-names. People like puns!”

 

“No they don’t.” Wendy said flatly.

 

Stan ignored her and took a look at Dipper’s displays. “Yeesh, what’s this?”

 

“I already have actual exhibits!” the boy exclaimed proudly. “With actual Gnome hair and a Pterodactyl tooth! I wrote down everything I’ve learned about them this summer, now everyone in Gravity Falls can know they’re real too!”

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “We’re makin’ attractions here kid, not some stuffy museum!”

 

“You literally have a sign that says museum!” the boy pointed to one of Soos’s signs.

 

“That’s to pull in eggheads like you.” Stan said flippantly. “That Pterodactyl tooth is pretty cool though. Mabel, come up with a good story to go with that.”

 

“It got caught in my vest while we were running away from the Pterodactyl.” Dipper recounted.

 

“Runnin’ away? Pft, that’s not gonna impress anybody.”

 

“What if we got it from a dinosaur dentist?” Mabel suggested. 

 

“Yeah, I’d buy that.” Stan nodded.

 

“Seriously, guys?” Dipper asked incredulously, “I put so much work and research into making these info cards and you’re just going to replace that with something you made up on the spot!?”

 

“Hey, ‘snot my fault what you wrote is boring.” Stan grumbled. “Why don’t you stick to helpin’ Soos with the signs an’ stuff. Leave the creative junk to your sister.”

 

“It’s ok Dipper.” Mabel reassured him, “You’ve just gotta find some real weird thing that’s cool enough to pull in the crowds.

 

Dipper groaned. He’d show them.

* * *

  
  


The next morning, Stan and Mabel were designing fliers to post around town. The young girl was turning down Stan’s name idea.

 

“The name ‘Murder Hut’ didn’t test well with our focus group.” She explained.

 

“Your focus group is Soos an’ a pig.” Stan said flatly. 

 

“My point still stands.” 

 

Their debate was interrupted by the arrival of Dipper, who burst in holding his notebook aloft like it was a trophy. “I just did an interview with the Multibear!” He declared, flipping open the notebook to show his transcribed dialogue. “How’s that for interesting?”

 

Stan flipped through the notebook and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Kid, nobody wants to read about a talking bear goin’ on about how much he loves European disco-pop.”

 

“Yeah bro-bro, we’re making a tourist trap, not a bookstore.” Mabed agreed. “I mean, if that was a book on a shelf, I’d totally read it. But nobody has time to stop and read on a tour. Maybe if you could get some pictures?”

 

“We did take a couple for the cover…” Dipper pulled out the polaroids. One pictured the Multibear posing thoughtfully, the other showed him sipping a cup of tea.

 

Stan lauged. “These are hilarious!” 

 

“They’re… not really supposed to be _ funny _ …” Dipper flushed.

 

“Mabel, see if you can stick a couple of your stuffed animals together to make something like this, I’m gonna go see if Soos can enlarge this with his fancy computer!” Stan snatched the polaroids from his nephew and left. Dipper grumbled.

 

“Lighten up, Dip-dop, we’re just trying to make sure we have stuff people will like.” Mabel said.

 

“That’s the problem!” Dipper snapped. “All you and Stan care about is what you think the people want to see, you don’t care what’s real, or what’s accurate!”

 

“That’s because most people don’t care what’s real or what’s accurate.” Mabel reasoned.

 

“I care!”

 

“We’re not making it for you!”

 

“I’m sure there are other people who care too!”

 

“C’mon Dip, remember all those tourist traps we visited with Grunkle Stan earlier? You didn’t care about accuracy for any of those, did you?”

 

“Yes, I did, and if it weren’t for accurate information in Candy’s travel pamphlets, we would have died!”

 

Mabel rolled her eyes. “Dipper, this is totally different!”

 

“No, it’s not, you just refuse to see things my way!”

 

“You’re the one who’s refusing to see things _ my _ way!”

 

Dipper groaned. “Fine, if you don’t want my help, I’ll just go. I have better things to do than stand around listening to Stan tease me all day.”

 

“Dipper, it’s not that we don’t want your help…” Mabel tried to reassure him.

 

“Then why do you guys turn down all my ideas and suggestions?”

 

“Because your ideas are like, objectively bad!” She insisted.

 

Dipper huffed and stormed off. 

 

“And I mean that in the most loving way possible!” Mabel called after him.

* * *

  
  
  
  


Everything was set up for the first tour, with signs and displays set up all over the yard. Mabel had crafted most of the fanciful creatures out of yarn, paper mache, and even some wax she’d found for sale at a craft store a few weeks ago. Stan had also cobbled together some horrifying mash-ups out of random taxidermied animals and other weird action-figures and mannequins and stuff. No one was quite sure where he got all this stuff, but Dipper had a suspicion that the stuffed animal heads, at least, had been stolen from Northwest Manor. 

 

The young boy just felt something  _ wrong _ in the pit of his stomach about the whole thing. He didn’t like that Stan was doing this behind Ford’s back, he didn’t like that they were presenting fake oddities and ‘facts’ that they’d made up when he had worked so hard to learn the truth about all the weirdness in Gravity Falls, and he didn’t like that it was all just to make some easy cash off the locals. Most of all, he didn’t like that Stan and Mabel had said all his ideas were bad.

 

So, while Mabel was busy gathering up people, and Stan was distracted putting up signs, Dipper slipped down into the hidden basement. He found Ford carefully soldering some complex circuitry. 

 

“Grunkle Ford!”

 

Stanford nearly jumped out of his seat with surprise. “Dipper, you know you’re not supposed to be down here without permission!” He said sternly once his heart-rate returned to normal.

 

“Sorry, it’s just… I have to tell you something, before it’s too late!”

 

Ford raised an eyebrow curiously. Well, that sounded ominous. “What’s wrong?”

 

And so Dipper explained about Stan’s plan to put together a tourist trap to make some extra money, and how neither Stan nor Mabel had any interest in showing people the real mysterious things around Gravity Falls, opting instead to make up whatever they felt would bring in the crowds. “I know I should have told you earlier, but I guess I did kinda want to surprise you… and have a chance to show everyone in Gravity Falls the truth.”

 

“Don’t blame yourself.” Ford reassured him. “Stan is  _ very _ persuasive when it comes to pulling people into his schemes; I know from experience. Hopefully we can put a stop to this before it gets out of control.”

 

To their dismay, they found that the first tour had already started. Stan was wearing the same outfit he’d come out of the portal with, albeit it had now been washed and Mabel had added a few accessories to make it more ‘steampunk’. Mabel had managed to whip up a modest crowd, and they were in the middle of the tour’s preamble when Ford and Dipper showed up.

 

“Here at the Mystery Shack, we offer mystery and befuddlement--”

 

“Ok folks, pack up!” Ford shouted, “Go home! Whatever you’ve been promised, it’s not here! Not happening!”

 

“Ah, and here we have Dr. Mystery, the world’s dumbest genius!” Stan said without missing a beat, gesturing to Ford with his stump.

 

“Stanley, I’ve held my tongue about a lot of the things you’ve done since getting back because I know you’re mad at me and I’d like us to get over that, but  _ this _ …” he gestured furiously to the gathered crowd and the many colorful attractions, “...is where I draw the line! In what version of reality would I ever be ok with this?”

 

“Isn’t he a riot, folks?” Stan asked their audience. 

 

“Stan, I’m serious, get these people of my property, or… or… I’ll call the police!”

 

“Aw, I wanted to see the face rock!” Deputy Durland complained from the crowd. Sheriff Blubs patted him on the back comfortingly.

 

Ford growled with frustration.

 

“Relax, Poindexter, it’s not that big a deal, we’re just showin’ these people a bit of fun.” Stan assured his brother.

 

“You’re turning my field of study into a mockery, is what you’re doing!” Ford shot back.

 

“Yeah, conflict!” Robbie shouted from the crowd. Many other people cheered.

 

“Right, ‘cuz a highschool teacher spends a lot of time in their field of study.” Stan rolled his eyes.

 

Ford bristled. He seemed past the point of retorting with words.

 

“He-hey, let’s go see the fairy-princess-horse-fairy-princess now!” Mabel called, trying desperately to draw the crowd’s attention away from her fighting grunkles. This seemed to remind Stan why he was actually here. He shot Ford a triumphant smirk and followed Mabel 

 

“That’s right folks, and for only ten dollars more, you can get your picture taken with the only known photos of the elusive bear-bear!”

 

“No! No! All of you leave, right now!” Stanford demanded, but everyone ignored him. They were too excited about the next attraction. The crowd moved on, leaving just one straggler: Wendy.

 

“Uhg, this sucks.” She groaned. “He’s totally selling out.”

 

“What do we do now?” Dipper asked his Grunkle.

 

Ford glared at the departing crowd. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

* * *

  
  
  


The so-called “Mystery Shack Tour” did a circuit around the house before stopping at the gift shop, which was set up on the back porch, so while Stan and the tourist were in the backyard, Ford, Dipper, and Wendy were in the front yard, taking down as many attractions as they could.

 

“Yeah!” Wendy cheered as she punched a hole through the poorly enlarged picture of the Multibear, “Take that, crappy corporate knock-off!”

 

“I don’t know about this, guys.” Dipper said apprehensively, “Mabel worked really hard on this stuff.”

 

“We don’t have to destroy it.” Ford reassured him, “We just need to get it out of  the picture. You can store it in the garage or the attic if you need to.”

 

Dipper felt better about that, so he grabbed three teddy bears that had been tied together and carried them back to the garage.

 

“What about this face?” Wendy asked, “I don’t think I can break that.”

 

“Actually, I believe that’s a rock.” Ford said.

 

“But it  _ looks _ like a face.” the teen observed.

 

“Yes, the resemblance is uncanny.” Ford couldn’t help but wonder where Stanley had found it. He hefted the huge boulder with a grunt. “Wendy, I man need some help with this.” He said with a strained voice. She smirked and grabbed the rock-face by its nose.

 

Seconds after the three left, Mabel and Soos came around the corner, arms full of new attractions to put up.

 

“Whoa, somebody already cleared out all the old stuff for us!” Soos exclaimed.

 

“The tourist-trap powers that be are smiling on us, Soos!” Mabel grinned. “Now help me put up these rainbow streamers for Crayondalf the Fabulous!”

* * *

 

And things went on like that for almost the whole day. Mabel and Soos were making new attractions faster than Ford and company could take them down, And all the while, Stan would take a new group of tourists around the house each loop, telling the story of each new attraction like it had been there all along. Occasionally Ford or Dipper would be too slow, and Stan and the tourists would come around a corner while they were trying to cart away a manly fish or armored frog, and Stan would always play it up like it was part of the act. It always made Ford furious, and the people ate it up. Dipper was beginning to notice some people were coming back  _ just to see _ the elderly Pines twins fight. 

 

Eventually, the sun went down, and the last tour was finished. Ford had a brief moment where he thought he’d finally convinced everyone to leave before he realized how late it was.

 

“Hot Belgian Waffles, look at all this cash!” Stan exclaimed as he emptied out the huge jar they’d been keeping the money in. “We’ve gotta have more’n a thousand bucks in here!”

 

“Well, I hope you’re happy Stan, you’ve made a couple thousand dollars,” Ford said icily, “At the expense of the community’s respect for me. And you, for that matter.”

 

“Hey, if the community lost any respect for you today, it’s only ‘cuz you were runnin’ around yelling at people like a lunatic.”

 

“You’ve got your money now.” Ford huffed, “So I don’t want to see a scrap of they ‘Mystery Shack’ business ever again!”

 

“Are you kiddin’!?” Stan exclaimed, “We’re just gettin’ started, we’ll probably see twice as many people tomorrow once word of mouth starts spreadin’ around, and I’ve still got plenty of stolen gift shop junk to sell. Not to mention we’ve still got a ways to go before we have enough to pay off your crazy electric bill.”

 

Ford stiffened. “You weren’t supposed to know about that.”

 

“Yeah, well I do. And here I am, tryin’ to do something nice for you, and how do you repay me? By tryin’ to tear down all our attractions and drive away our customers.”

 

“Wait, tear down?” Mabel asked in shock, “I thought you guys were helping us make room for the new displays!” She shot an accusatory glare at Dipper.

 

“Mabel, this whole thing goes against everything I’ve worked for this whole summer!” Dipper fumed, “You’re just a bad as the Blind-Eye, they were trying to make people forget any weirdness they saw, but you guys are trying to turn the paranormal into a joke!”

 

“That’s not what we’re trying to do at all!” Mabel protested, “We’re just making a fun place for people to come see fun stuff so Grunkle Ford doesn’t lose his house!”

 

“I’ll be able to take care of my problems on my own!” Ford insisted. “Now get this stuff out of here, before I remove it myself!”

 

“I’ll stay up all night guarding this junk if I have to!” Stan growled.

 

Soos and Wendy looked at the feuding family members apprehensively, then glanced at each other.

 

“Uh, I’m just gonna… head home now.” Wendy said awkwardly.

 

“Yyyyyeah, I’ll uh… I’ll see you dudes later.” Soos baked away.

* * *

  
  
  


Things had not improved the next day. Despite Ford’s best efforts, Stan’s Mystery Shack exhibits were all still standing. On top of that, Dipper and Mabel were still peeved at each other, to the point where Dipper had slept on the couch that night rather than share a room with his sister where, he was quite sure, they would have spent the whole night arguing. 

 

Wendy and Soos were worried, to say the least, when they found the state their friends were in. 

 

“Oh man, we gotta bring these dudes back together somehow!” Soos whispered to Wendy as they observed Ford glaring daggers at Stan from the front porch. Stan was doing his best to ignore his brother and put up as many of Mabel’s new displays as possible. “You try and talk Dr. Pines and Dipper down, I’ll handle Stan and Mabel.”

 

“Got it.” Wendy agreed. She approached Ford as one would a dog when you’re trying to take away its chew-toy. “Hey, uh, Dr. Pines…”

 

She was interrupted when Dipper stepped out the door. He had his backpack slung over his shoulder.. “Wendy! You’re here just in time! Do you want to go monster hunting with us?” 

 

The ginger teen glanced at her teacher and noticed he was wearing that tan trenchcoat he always wore when he was ready to go adventuring. “Yes. Yes I do.” She said with stars in her eyes. Besides, going on a monster hunt would distract them from their family feud, right?

* * *

  
  
  


The first tour came and went without any yelling or disappearing attractions. Ford, Dipper, and Wendy were nowhere to be seen. It made Stanley uneasy.

 

“Looks like they finally decided to leave us alone!” Mabel sighed in relief as they watched the tourists browse the gift shop.

 

“I don’t think so.” Stan frowned. “Ford wouldn’t give up that easily. He’s up to something, I’d bet my last arm on it.”

 

“Oooor maybe someone talked to them.” Soos suggested from the cash register, “Y’know, let them know they were going way overboard and tearing their family apart.”

 

“Yeah!” Mabel pounded her fist down on the makeshift counter. 

 

“On an unrelated note, what do you dudes think about moving this whole shebang somewhere else?” Soos asked awkwardly. “Y’know, we could totally refurbish Gideon’s old tent-o-telepathy, make it our own space! And maybe we could work with Dr. Pines and Dipper to make a few exhibits about real weird things. Y’know, compromise.” 

 

“What!?” Stan cried indignantly, “Compromise!? That’s like throwin’ in the towel! I’m not compromisin’ anything until that ungrateful jittata thanks me for bailing him out.”

 

“I’m just sayin’, dude, I can totally see why he’s not ok with this whole thing.” Soos reasoned. “Maybe he’d be more understanding if you tried to meet him halfway?”

 

“My brother doesn’t meet anybody halfway on anything.” Stan grumbled. “He’s always gotta have it his way, or not at all. And I’m not standin’ for it anymore!”

 

Mabel held her tongue. She thought Soos had a pretty good point, and she also knew that Stan wasn’t being entirely fair to Ford in his assessment. Maybe it was a good idea to work together with Dipper to help him make a display about gnomes or something that was actually cool. But they weren’t hurting anything with their Mystery Shack! Why should they have to move?

 

A tourist came up to them with a question, interrupting her thoughts. “Why is it called the Mystery Shack if we never go inside?” the tourist asked.

 

“Wouldn’t be a mystery if you got to see what’s goin’ on in there, would it?” Stan replied. “You gonna buy somethin’ or not?”

* * *

  
  
  


“So what are we looking for?” Dipper asked as the trio trudged through the woods. 

 

“A gremloblin.” Ford said seriously.

 

“ _ Really!? _ ” Dipper squeed.

 

“I saw signs of one wandering through the woods here not long before the Gideon incident. Hopefully it’s still hanging around.”

 

“So are we catching this thing to study?” Wendy asked, “Or has it like, been eating people’s pets or something?”

 

“No, gremloblins only eat larger predators, like bears or cougars.” Ford explained, “And I’ve already had the chance to study one extensively up close. Let’s just say if Stan won’t display any authentic attractions, we’ll just have to  _ provide _ him with one.” 

 

“Aren’t you worried about someone getting hurt?” the ginger teen asked.

 

“Not to worry, the gremloblin is actually quite easy to handle  _ if _ you know what you’re doing. Which I do.” Ford said proudly. “It looks much more threatening than it actually is.”

 

Wendy was torn. On the one hand, she was supposed to be talking Ford and Dipper into easing up on their vendetta against their siblings and the whole Mystery Shack thing,  not egging them on. On the other hand, this was potentially the greatest prank she’d ever pull.

 

“Ok I’m not saying we shouldn’t do this.” She started, “Because we totally should. But don’t you two think you’re being kinda harsh on Stan and Mabel?”

 

“Whose side are you on, Wendy?” Dipper asked with a frown.

 

“Whoa, since when are there sides?” She retorted. “See, this is what I mean, you guys are taking this way too personally!”

 

“You didn’t seem to have a problem with it yesterday.” Ford pointed out.

 

“That’s because I thought we were just pulling some fun pranks and fighting against rampant consumerism!” She defended, “Not fueling some sort of family feud! I don’t think they ever meant to insult either of you, not seriously. I mean, yeah, they should’ve listened when you told them what you actually wanted, but I think they’re just trying to help in the only way they know how. Couldn’t you all find some sort of compromise?”

 

“I don’t think Stanley’s ever made  _ any _ kind of compromise.” Ford said icily. “He’s much more of a ‘my way or the highway’ sort. I’ve let him get away with plenty; this is where I’m putting my foot down.”

 

Dipper followed Ford down the trail silently. The young boy could see a lot of reason in what Wendy had said. Mabel, at the least, hadn’t meant any harm. And even though Dipper had only known Stan for a few weeks now, he was pretty sure Ford had to be exaggerating when he said Stan had  _ never _ made  _ any _ kind of compromise. But still, it’d really hurt his feelings when his own sister said all his ideas were bad. 

 

“There it is!” Ford said softly, pulling Dipper away from his thoughts. Sure enough, the gremloblin was snoozing peacefully in the shade of a particularly large tree. They probably would have mistaken it for a pile of boulders covered in moss and mushrooms if it weren’t for the way its back rose and fell with its breathing. 

 

“Ok, it’ll be easiest to capture it if we split up. I’ve already had experience with the beast, so you two take this.” Ford handed the third Journal to Dipper, bookmarked at the gremloblin’s entry. “Be sure to read it over so you know what to do.” Ford snuck quietly around to the other side of the monster, a sturdy tarp and rope slung over his shoulder. 

 

Dipper and Wendy glanced over the marked page in the Journal, taking in a few facts from its illustration, like its toxic claws and bat-like wings.

 

“That’s weird, I don’t see any wings.” Dipper muttered.

 

“Eh, maybe they’re retractable.” Wendy shrugged.

* * *

  
  
  


Just as Stan had predicted, there were even more tourists today than yesterday. Word had spread throughout town and the internet, thanks to Soos, and the people were pouring in. Several people had expressed disappointment when there were no family members yelling at each other, but Stan assured them that would be coming back soon. He was certain the yelling would resume as soon as Ford got back from whatever his latest scheme was. In the meantime, the old conman was gonna bleed these suckers dry.

 

“...and here, ladies and gentlemen, is our final exhibit, the most hideous creatures known to man!” Stan pulled back a curtain revealing… a large mirror. The tourists laughed at the joke, and Stan laughed right along.

 

Suddenly, someone at the back of the group screamed. Stan whipped around to see what had happened, clutching his staff tightly. An ugly grey monster covered in quills and fungus was crashing through the crowd. The tourists all ran screaming.

 

“Where the heck did that thing come from?” Mabel cried as the monster ripped through her display of a Snadger family.

 

“I got a pretty good guess.” Stan growled. 

 

“Dudes, what do we do?” Soos asked.

 

“Do we got a net or something to catch it with?” Stan asked.

 

“I don’t think so.” Mabel said nervously.

 

They were the only three who hadn’t fled, which made them the monster’s main target. It stared Soos down, its eyes glowing. The young mechanic tensed up, and his eyes began to glow too. But before anything else happened, a large dart of some sort buried itself into the creature’s upper shoulder. It bellowed in pain, breaking eye contact. After just a couple of seconds it's eyes seemed to grow heavy, and it collapsed into the back porch.

 

Ford stepped out from behind a tree, his crossbow slung over his shoulder and a cocky grin on his face. Wendy and Dipper peeked out from behind him.

 

“How do you like  _ this _ attraction, Stan?” Ford asked as he marched over triumphantly.

 

“I hate it, it scared away all my customers!” Stan spat.

 

“It serves you right for selling stolen goods on my property and propagating lies about the paranormal! I  _ tried _ playing nice.”

 

“So the next step is to let a wild monster loose in a crowd!? You shazbot, that flapdrasser could've killed somebody!”

 

Ford rolled his eyes. “Oh please, no one was ever in any real danger, I've dealt with Gremloblins on several occasions, I know how to handle them. You can use the neurotoxin from it's claws to create a tranquilizer that brings it down in seconds. As long as that dart is in it, it won't be hurting anyone.”

 

Stan’s rage hit the boiling point. “You krutracking sulat!” He jumped off the porch and swung his staff at his brother. Ford dodged out of the way. Stan's staff continued it's arc… right into the tranquilizer dart, knocking it out of the monster's shoulder.

 

“Shef’th.” Stan said shortly.

 

“Quick, hit it with another tranquilizer!” Dipper cried as the Gremloblin began to stir.

 

“I don't have another one!” Ford said.

 

“What!?” Everyone yelled.

 

“I didn't think I'd  _ need _ more than one!” the old researcher glared at Stan.

 

“Oh-ho no! Don't try to pin this on me!”

 

“Guys!” Mabel cried as the monster rose to its feet. 

 

“Don't worry, a solid blow to the back of the head has a similar effect.” The old researcher attempted to jump up and clock the Gremloblin with his crossbow, but it turned and lashed at him with it's claws. Ford was knocked back, and his crossbow was broken into pieces.

 

“Dude, are you ok?” Soos asked worriedly.

 

“It barely nicked me.” Ford reassured him.

 

“But didn't you say something about it having neurotoxin in it's claws?” 

 

Oh. Right. That was probably why his head was swimming. But it certainly wasn't enough to kill him. He'd probably be fine. “I can still fight.” Ford insisted as he got unsteadily to his feet.

 

“Are you serious right now!?” Stan asked incredulously as he tried to fend the beast off with his staff.

 

Dipper quickly flipped open the Journal to see if there were any more weaknesses listed in its pages. “Here!” He showed Wendy the bottom of the page quietly, so he wouldn't attract the attention of the Gremloblin, “When fighting the Gremloblin, use water!”

 

Wendy unscrewed the cap off her water bottle and threw it like a grenade at the monster. 

 

“Wait!” Ford cried a second too late. The bottle spilled a splash of water over the Gremloblin’s head. The monster roared; it grew a whole foot in height, broad bat-like wings, and great big tusks.

 

“... Only as a last resort, as that will make it much scarier!?” Dipper flipped the page and finished the sentence.

 

“Why!?” Wendy demanded, “why would you write it like that!?”

 

“This is why you read the entire thing first!” Ford replied.

 

“Oh no, don't try and shift the blame away from your poor writing choices!” Wendy snapped.

 

Ford had a hard time walking in a straight line, and keeping a train of thought was becoming difficult, but at the very least he knew he had to take out that Gremloblin before it hurt someone. He tried to leap onto it's back, but ended up falling flat on his face instead.

 

Stan attempted to hit the creature over the head with his staff, but now that it had wings, it just flew out of the way. Wendy climbed a tree after it, swinging the blunt end of her axe at its head. The Gremloblin struck back and knocked the axe out of her hand. Mabel fired her grappling hook at it, but that just drew it's attention back to her. It swooped down and grabbed her in its claws.

 

“Mabel!” Dipper cried in worry.

 

“Don't look into its eyes!” Ford warned her as Soon helped him to stand, “You’ll see your worst fear!”

 

Mabel tried to keep her eyes closed, but the glow of the Gremloblin's gaze seemed to draw her in.

 

“I wish we had an evil eye to show him!”

 

Ford perked up as a thought broke through the fog of the neurotoxin. “That's it! It's vulnerable to its own powers! We need a mirror or something to turn its gaze back on itself!”

 

Stan dashed to the mirror he'd been showing the tourists earlier, throwing the curtains completely off. “Hey ugly! Over here!” He called, but the creature seemed more interested in starring Mabel down. She whimpered at whatever it was showing her.

 

“We've gotta move it!” Dipper exclaimed. He helped Stan to drag the large mirror into the Gremloblin's line of sight at a breakneck pace. Still, the monster paid them no attention. Dipper picked up a rock and chucked it at the creature's face, bit unfortunately his aim was terrible. Stan followed his example and tossed his own rock. 

 

This one hit it's target. The Gremloblin finally turned to face them, and caught a glimpse of its own cursed gaze in the mirror. It dropped Mabel and screamed, rubbing its eyes vigorously. It flew off, crashing into a few trees as it fled.

 

“Mabel, are you ok!?” Dipper asked, running to her. She simply hugged him tightly. “Mabel…?”

 

She took a deep breath before answering. “I’m ok.” She said with a smile that seemed a little forced.

 

“Did you see your worst nightmare?” her brother asked. Her smile faltered. “What was it?”

 

“Don’t worry about it, I know it’d never really happen.” She assured him.

 

“...Do you wanna talk about it?” Dipper asked cautiously.

 

She just shook her head and hugged him again.

 

Ford watched his great niece carefully. He remembered how badly the Gremloblin’s stare had effected Fiddleford such a long time ago, but he had always struggled with anxiety, especially where the paranormal was concerned. So far it seemed that Mabel was faring much better, which really wasn’t all that surprising. She had such a joyful, resilient personality; Ford had never seen anything negative effect her for very long. Still he’d have to keep an eye on her emotional state over the next few days.

 

Stan also appeared to be watching the two children carefully, which Ford was grateful for. As long as his brother was distracted from arguing any more.

 

Suddenly Wendy had taken him by the arm and was pulling him into the house. “C’mon doc, let’s get that neurotoxin out of your system.”

* * *

  
  
  


Dipper was trying not to hover around his sister too much, but he couldn’t help but be worried about her. Mabel was trying her best to be strong, but he could tell she was shaken by what she’d seen in the Gremloblin’s eyes. She caught him staring as they were both getting ready for bed that night. He quickly looked away and pretended to be preoccupied with cleaning off his pterodactyl tooth. 

 

“Dipper?” She said softly from her bed.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t stop and think about how you felt about the whole Mystery Shack thing. Well, I guess I did know how you felt about it, I just… didn’t think it was important.”

 

“I’m sorry too.” Dipper replied. “I didn’t stop to think about how you’d feel if we put a stop to it. I mean, I knew you’d worked hard on the stuff and you’d be upset if we broke it but… I was so mad about what you and Stan had said, I took everything as an insult and I didn’t realize you were just having fun.”

 

“I guess we were both being kinda stupid, huh?”

 

“Yeah. Promise to stop being stupid to each other?”

 

“Promise.” Mabel finally cracked a genuine smile. She rolled over and tried to fall asleep, even though what she’d seen in the Gremloblin’s eyes kept replaying in her head. She knew it’d never really happen. 

 

She and Dipper would never drift apart like their Grunkles had.

* * *

  
  
  


Despite all the damage that Gremlo-whatever monster had done, Stan had still made a considerable profit. He’d just finished counting and organizing the money, wadding the ones into groups of ten, the fives into groups of fifty, the tens into groups of a hundred, and so forth. Then he gathered them all up in an old briefcase he’d found in the back of a closet and made a b-line for the basement, where he was sure he’d find Ford. The old conman was rather startled to find his brother coming out the secret bookcase just as he was about to enter. Ford was holding an oddly shaped burlap sack in his arms.

 

“O-oh.” Ford hesitated, obviously as surprised to see Stan as Stan was to see him. “What’re you… er, I’ve… do you need something?” he stammered.

 

A rebellious corner of Stan’s mind whispered that he didn’t have to give the money to Ford, the guy was a real irresponsible jerk, and Stan didn’t owe him anything, especially after what’d happened today. But no, Stan had said he was gonna give the money to Ford so he could pay off his bills, and for once Stan was gonna stay true to his word. 

 

“He’s the earnings from the last two days, should be enough to pay off your stupid-high electric bill and junk.” The old con man shoved the briefcase into Ford’s chest before he changed his mind.

 

Ford awkwardly tried to juggle the briefcase and whatever was in that sack and ended up dropping both. The burlap fell away to reveal an arm. A mechanical arm.

 

“Well, there goes the surprise.” Ford sighed.

 

Stan picked it up and looked it over carefully. It wasn’t on the same level as the alien tech his old prosthetic had been made from, but it was still miles above anything Stan had ever seen in his home dimension. “I thought you were workin’ on the rift down here?”

 

“I have been, but sometimes you need to step away for a bit, refresh your perspective, and when I needed a break from that particular problem, I worked on this. Well, I say ‘I’ but Fiddleford did most of the advanced robotics work, he came and helped me with it that day you took the kids on a road-trip. I mainly did the casing and the electrical work.

 

“I’ve been so mad at you the past two days, I briefly considered not giving it to you, but you need it, regardless of whatever misguided choices you make, so--”

 

“Wait, you weren’t gonna give this to me just because of the Mystery Shack thing!?” Stan asked indignantly.

 

“I said I  _ briefly considered _ it.”

 

“I was tryin’ to keep you from endin’ up homeless, from endin’ up like  _ me _ !”

 

“But you never stopped to consider what I _ wanted _ !”

 

“No, I was a little too worried about what you  _ needed _ !”

 

“Think about things from my perspective for once!” Ford fumed, “I’d been working on this for  _ you _ , and once I was nearly finished I learned you’d gone behind my back to do something you  _ knew _ I wouldn’t approve of, even if it was with the best of intentions! But that doesn’t matter, I’m giving you the arm now. Do you want it or not?”

 

Stan picked it up. He  _ did  _ miss having control of two limbs. 

 

“Yeah.” He grunted. “You want the money?”

 

“Yes.” Ford said shortly. 

 

They both took their respective gifts and walked away stiffly. Neither thanked the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand now the fic is caught up to where I've reached my writing! We're coming to the end now! I'm not sure if it'll be two or three more chapters, but I'm estimating two right now.


	32. The Future is Coming for Us All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dipper gets to have an adventure with Ford and Mabel's worries come to a head.

It wasn’t a typical Friday in the Pines household. It was late August, and the kids were just a week away from their birthday, and just a day after that, going home to Piedmont. The young twins were excitedly discussing birthday plans at the kitchen table. Soos was helping them on the Piñata front, and Stan was just watching them bemusedly. 

 

“In just one week, we become teenagers!” Mabel declared proudly as she put together a guest list.

 

“We can go see PG-13 movies without adult supervision!” Dipper grinned.

 

“I can start reading teen magazines! And we’ll be one year closer to…” She shared a conspiratorial glance with Dipper.

 

“Highschool!” They exclaimed in unison.

 

“Wow, things really  _ have  _ changed a lot in the last 30 years.” Stan mused, “If kids are excited to go to highschool.”

 

“Grunkle Stan, highschool is when girls become women and boys become men!” Mabel explained. “And they teach us about actual adult stuff like…  _ you know _ ...” 

 

Stan raised an eyebrow in surprise.

 

“Trigonometry and finance!” Dipper finished enthusiastically.

 

“Yeah baby!” Mabel yelled.

 

“Yep, next week’s gonna be big.” Stan agreed. “Once you kids are safely home, I’m hittin’ the road. So I’d better figure out how this thing works before then.” He pulled out the prosthetic arm Ford had given him the other night.

 

“And next week my grandma’s finally gonna let me eat in my bedroom!” Soos added. “The future is coming for us all, dudes!”

 

“To the future!” Stan held a tiny piñata up like he was giving a toast.

 

“The future!” The others mimicked.

 

Mabel and Dipper were working on a birthday playlist when Ford entered, a haunted look on his face. Dipper was about to ask him what was wrong, but Mabel got her question out first.

 

“Grunkle Ford! We can throw our birthday party here next Friday, right?” Mabel asked hopefully.

 

Ford looked, if possible, even more worried at the news. “Your birthday is next Friday!? As in one week from today?”

 

“Yep! And we’re gonna throw the biggest party ever!” Mabel replied.

 

“It’s not a good idea to have it here.” Ford shook his head, regaining his composure, “I’m still working on stabilizing the rift. Registration should be done by then, I could reserve the high school gym for you. Well, I might have to write you a note. I don’t think I’ll have time to go myself between now and then.”

 

“Great, that doubles our party room!” Mabel cheered.

 

“Grunkle Ford, are you ok?” Dipper asked.

 

“Fine, fine.” Ford assured him. “I do need to talk to you all though.” He pulled out the rift containment unit and showed it to them. “The containment unit is cracking, and… and I don’t know how much longer it will hold.” That was a lie, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell the kids it was projected to destabilize the day of their birthday, that just seemed cruel. “If we don’t find a way to fix it, Bill will use the rift to enter our world, and reality as we know it will end in a catastrophic event I refer to as ‘Weirdmageddon’.”

 

“Still got a flair for name, huh?” Stan rolled his eyes. Ford glared but otherwise ignored him.

 

“So what do we do?” Dipper asked.

 

“There’s a substance that could theoretically patch the rift, but I’ll need help getting it. I’ll explain on the way.”

 

“Don’t worry Grunkle Ford, you can count on us!” Mabel assured him.

 

The old teacher frowned. “Mabel, I’m not so sure about you coming on such a high-stakes mission so soon after your encounter with the Gremloblin.” 

 

“Aw come on, she’s fine.” Dipper scoffed.

 

“It’s ok Dipper.” Mabel assured him. “We’ll just divide and conquer! You go on your smarty mission with Grunkle Ford, and I’ll take Grunkle Stan on our party mission! We can keep in touch with these walkie-talkies!”

 

Stan shrugged. “Yeah ok.”

 

“Radio reception will be patchy on-location, but you should at least be able to communicate on the way there and back.” Ford nodded. 

 

Dipper couldn’t help but be excited as he followed his uncle out the door. It was going to be just him and Ford together on this vitally important mission! This was a dream come true!

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


The car screeched to a halt, halfway on the curb in front of the high school. Stan’s driving skills were still questionable, but he’d insisted he needed to practice using his new prosthetic arm. 

 

“I think Soos should drive on the way back.” Mabel said gently.

 

“Hey, I wasn’t  _ that _ bad, no one died!” Stan defended.

 

They all laughed for a few seconds. “But seriously, Soos is driving us back.” Mabel insisted. They worked their way through the crowd of high schoolers lining up for registration. They found Wendy near the front of the line.

 

“What up, fam?” She greeted them. “Seriously, why the heck are you guys at the high school if you don’t have to be? And where’s Dr. Pines? He’s the one I’d actually expect to be here. I gotta talk to him about taking AP Physics.”

 

“Oh, Grunkle Ford’s busy with end-of-the-world stuff.” Mabel said nonchalantly. “You know, me and Dipper’ve only got a year left until  _ we _ start high school! How would you describe your experience so far? You strike me as more of a wacky romp than a rom-com.”

 

“Uhg, try teen horror movie.” Wendy shuddered. “High school sucks. All of a sudden your grades actually matter, your body turns against you, and everybody hates each other!”

 

Mabel looked around and saw there were indeed a lot of people glaring and growling at each other. Thompson was in the corner having a full-on panic attack. 

 

“But… TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical!” Mabel said, distraught.

 

“TV lied, man!” Wendy told her, “I’d do anything to get out of this quicker!”

 

Suddenly one of the teachers sitting at the registration table called out to her, “Wendy Borduroy? Oh, I mean Corduroy?”

 

Wendy’s face went almost as red as her hair as all the students around her started laughing. 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


They’d been hiking for a little over half an hour, up a rather steep dome of a hill in the middle of the valley. Dipper had just stopped for a drink when his walkie-talkie crackled to life.

 

“...ter Mabel to… dy Dog… can… our party at the...ym… t high school. St… ght not… future we were….” Mabel’s voice barely cut through the overwhelming static.

 

“Hmm, the radius of radio interference must be greater than I thought.” Ford frowned.

 

“I’m going through a bad patch Mabel, we’ll talk when we get back!” Dipper yelled as clearly as he could into the speaker. Hopefully she could hear him through the static.

 

Ford continued straight up the hill. Dipper panted up after him, and soon the slope leveled off. The hill was even more dome-like than Dipper had originally thought, and the view of the cliffs around them was stunning. But what did this place have to do with anything?

 

“What could we find that would be able to patch the rift all the way out here?” the boy asked curiously.

 

“In order to seal the rift for good, it’s going to take an adhesive stronger than anything on earth. Something… extraterrestrial in origin.” 

 

Dipper’s heart skipped a beat. Was he implying… “W-what do you mean?”

 

Ford smiled and the boy could tell he was enjoying this. “Dipper, look at the peculiar shape of the floating cliffs. Does it remind you of anything?” 

 

“Uh…” Dipper considered them for a moment, but all that came to mind was a couple of block-headed dinosaurs roaring at each other. Ford pulled out his keys, which included an old UFO keychain. It fit perfectly into the negative space between the cliffs and under the bridge. “No way!”

 

“According to my research, the entire valley of Gravity Falls was created when an extraterrestrial spacecraft crash-landed into the mountains here millions of years ago, in the late Paleogene period. It raises a paradoxical question: did the craft cause the town’s stange properties? Are they attracted to it? Or was the craft attracted by the strange properties of this location? The answer remains unknown.”

 

“Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh! This is crazy! But where did the saucer go!?”

 

Ford’s smile grew. “Sometimes the strangest things in the world are right under our feet.” He pushed a largeish rock aside, revealing a metal panel that seemed to be embedded into the ground. Ford pulled out a strange gun-like device with a large barrel. “You may want to stand back, this magnet gun can pull the nails out of a wall from 100 feet.”

 

The metal panel flew off, revealing a ladder heading straight down into a spacious cavern below. A cavern that easily took up the interior volume of the hill.

 

“Come on,” Ford handed the boy another magnet gun and started to descend the ladder, “Stay close, it’d be easy to get lost in here.”

 

The two of them entered the spaceship. Dipper was stunned to silence, and Ford was loving every moment of his nephew’s reaction. 

 

As they made their way through the enormous craft, Ford explained how whatever aliens had piloted it had died long before the last ice age, and pointed out where he and McGucket had raided the engine room and other sections for parts to build the portal. But what they needed was going to be in the storage facility.

 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me there was a UFO under Gravity Falls?” Dipper asked when he finally got over his awestruck phase. 

 

“Because I knew you’d try and sneak out to see it any chance you got. Now you only have a week left in Gravity Falls and you’ll be too busy with your birthday to get into trouble!” The old researcher smirked.

 

“That’s not fair!” Dipper whined, although he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.

 

Ford laughed. “Originally I wanted to show this to you and Mabel together, but… well…”

 

“Mabel’s fine, you’re overreacting.” Dipper assured him. 

 

“That’s what I thought after Fiddleford’s encounter with the Gremloblin.” Ford said soberly, “And look what it drove him to.”

 

“Yeah, but Mabel’s not like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Dipper faltered, suddenly realizing that could have been taken as an insult to his uncle’s best friend.

 

“I dunno, just… Mabel knows what’s real and what’s not. There’s a big difference between  _ seeing _ your worst fear and it  _ actually happening _ . She just… doesn’t worry about stuff like that.”

 

Ford nodded. Mabel was certainly  _ not _ a worrier. “I’d still rather play it safe than sorry.”

 

Dipper scratched the back of his neck, “Yeah, I guess so.”

 

Just a few feet ahead the floor opened up into a huge chasm. A large cylindrical support beam ran through the middle, but it was a good ten feet away, and the surface looked smooth. There was no apparent way down. Ford stopped and pulled something that looked a bit like a harness out his his backpack.

 

“Have you ever been skydiving before, my boy?”

 

“Uh, no…”

 

“To tell the truth, neither have I, but I imagine it’s something like this.” He began to strap the harness on.

 

“W-we’re gonna jump!?” Dipper cried.

 

“No, I’ll jump. You’ll be strapped to me in the harness while I use the magnet gun to slide down the support beam.” Ford noticed that Dipper didn’t look too comfortable with the notion, “Of course, I could give you your own magnet gun and you could slide down with it if you like.”

 

The boy paled. “Uh, no thanks! The harness is fine!”

 

Ford crouched down and helped Dipper strap in, then took a running start and lept into the chasm with a grunt of “Hup!”. He turned the magnet gun up, and it pulled them to the pillar. Then, just as they reached the surface of the shining metal, Ford turned the dial down a notch, so that the magnetic pull was enough to keep them stuck to the metal, but weak enough to allow them to slide down in a spiral. It felt good, to just let the air rush past him and the adrenaline run through him, to forget about the impending end of the world for just a moment. Dipper screamed the whole way down.

 

The storage room was just down the hall from where they landed. “This place would have been heavily guarded, but now everything’s defunct.” Ford explained as they entered. “I found a bay full of security drones and studied them, they’ve all been busted for millions of years.”

 

They began sorting through hexagonal canisters, looking for the alien adhesive. 

 

“So, you’re starting high school this year?” Ford started some small-talk.

 

“No, next year.” Dipper corrected. “Mabel’s already pretty excited about it though.”

 

“What about you?”

 

Dipper shrugged. “It seems like I hear a lot of mixed things about high school. I guess I don’t know what to expect.” 

 

Ford chuckled dryly, “Take it from a teacher,  high school is horrible. If I were you, I’d get through it as quickly as possible.” He paused before continuing. This was something he’d been thinking about for a while. The end of the summer was coming to an end, and with it, the departure of all of Ford’s family. He found he wasn’t ready to say goodbye. He didn’t want the kids to leave, so he’d been bouncing around this idea.

 

“Dipper, have you ever thought about… skipping ahead a grade or two?”

 

“Uh, I think my mom and dad looked into it onces. They said the school district discourages it.”

 

Ford nodded. “That’s true of most school districts, from what I’ve seen. Of course, with how long I’ve been working here, I’ve got a bit of pull in the Roadkill County school district.”

 

“So...what are you saying?” Dipper asked slowly.

 

“I’m saying, what if you transferred here, to Gravity Falls? I could help you graduate ahead of schedule!”

 

The boy hesitated. “I dunno. Mom and dad were happy to send me here for the summer, but actually moving here, year-round? I don’t think they’d be ok with that.”

 

“Are you kidding?” Ford scoffed, “I’m sure they’d be thrilled I could give you a head-start on your secondary education!”

 

“What about Mabel?” 

 

“I’m sure she’d love to go here too!” The old teacher smiled.

 

“But would she be able to skip a grade like me?”

 

Ford’s smile faltered. “Well, I'd do what I can, but I thought she doesn't care for academics?”

 

“It's hard to imagine going to high school without Mabel. I don’t know if I could do it without her…”

 

“Don’t sell yourself short.” The old teacher reassured him, “I’ve watched you grow a lot over the summer, I think you’d be fine.”

 

Dipper didn’t seem so sure, and there was another thing on his mind. “But would  _ she _ be fine with it?”

 

“She may be upset at first.” Ford admitted, “But I think she’d do fine on her own too. She has a magnetic personality, and she’s already made so many friends here. And besides, you don’t need your sister’s permission for everything you do.”

 

Dipper flushed. It wasn’t like he needed Mabel’s permission! He just wanted to know what she thought about it. But maybe Ford had a point. Maybe he let Mabel’s opinions on things hold too much sway over his decisions. 

 

“I’ll think about it.” The boy said. “I’m not even sure if I could handle skipping a grade. I mean, I can’t even operate this magnet gun right!” He switched the gun on to illustrate his point and it pulled another hexagonal container out of the strange alien storage unit. A sticky, purplish-pink substance seeped out of a crack the magnet gun had made.

 

“That’s it!” Ford exclaimed, “Great job, Dipper!”

 

“Really?” The boy blushed. He carefully handed the container over to Ford, being careful not to touch the alien adhesive. They both paused when they heard a faint crash just down the hall from them.

 

“I thought you said everything down here’s dead!” Dipper whispered.

 

“Everything  _ is _ dead!” Ford insisted, although he pulled out his crossbow all the same. They gasped as a couple of floating orbs appeared in the doorway. “The security drones! I thought they were all off-line or broken, but we must have reactivated them somehow! They detect adrenaline, just stay calm and they won’t see you as a threat.”

 

“Stay calm!? Are you kidding me!?” 

 

“I’ve done it before, just take a deep breath, focus on your intellect, and control your fear.” 

 

Dipper tried. He really tried, but he couldn’t get a hold of his panicking breaths or his racing heart or his frantic thoughts of  _ How can I not be afraid when I’m thinking about not being afraid!? _

 

“I can’t!”

 

* * *

  
  


Mabel sighed gloomily in her room. It had not been a good day. After seeing how bad high school could be, they’d gone to invite Candy and Grenda, only to find that both her best friends were going to be gone, not just for the birthday party, but for her last day in Gravity Falls! They weren’t even going to be there to say goodbye to each other!  And to make matters worse, she hadn’t been able to reach Dipper on the walkie-talkie since his last garbled message at the high school, so she couldn’t even go to her brother for comfort. 

 

“Hey, everything alright, kiddo?” Stan asked, poking his head in the doorway.

 

“I just can’t believe summer’s already almost over.” She frowned, turning the page in her scrapbook. “I don’t wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls, and now that I know what high school’s really like, I’m in no hurry to start that train-wreck.”

 

“Yeah, nobody likes gettin’ older.” Stan nodded, taking a seat on the bed beside her and wrapping his arm around her shoulder, “But just cuz you’re gettin’ old doesn’t mean you gotta grow up, you know what I’m sayin’? Look at me, I’m old enough for senior discounts and I still watch a cartoon about a duck!”

 

“I guess I’m just worried about the future…”

 

Stan gave a sad smile. That was such an adult thing for a kid like her to worry about. “Hey, at least whatever your future has in store, you’ll still have your bro. Not everyone can say that, y’know.”

 

Mabel squirmed and looked away from him.

 

“What?” the old con man asked her.

 

“...What I saw when the Gremloblin stared at me the other day….” She started slowly. “It was… I saw me… and Dipper… apart… and fighting…” She didn’t add ‘Like you and Ford’. She didn’t have to.

 

“Well, all you can do is take a stand and protect your future.” Stan assured her. “You gotta do whatever it takes to make sure that things go the way you want them to. That’s all anyone’s tryin’ to do.” He gave her a one-armed hug. “You want ice cream for dinner?”

 

Mabel nodded with a small smile. Stan got up to grab them some ice cream.

 

“He’s right.” the girl said to herself as she flipped through the pages of her scrapbook. “I can protect our future! I just gotta make sure me and Dipper stick together, and we’ll be fine!”

 

Suddenly the walkie-talkie in her bag crackled to life.

 

“...ou ok?” Dipper’s voice asked.

 

“Fine, fine.” Ford’s voice assured him.

 

“Let me get you out of there.”

 

“See, this is exactly what I was talking about! You’re ready for so much more! How many 12-year-olds do you know who could have done that?” Ford’s voice broke off in a cough.

 

“You know what, you’re right.” Dipper said. “I’ll go to the high school with you, even if Mabel can’t come.”

 

Mabel gasped. Surely she’d heard something wrong. She kept listening to the walkie-talkie, but all it played was static. She curled up in her bed, trying to keep the negative emotions and thoughts swirling in her mind at bay. She’d just wait for Dipper to get home and he’d tell her what really happened and it’d just turn out to be a big misunderstanding, and they’d learn a lesson about jumping to conclusions or communication or something like that. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


She didn’t have to wait long. Dipper burst into their room excitedly just ten minutes later. 

 

“Mabel! I just had the best day of my life!! UFO’s are real and there’s one under the valley and I saved Grunkle Ford’s life he gave me the greatest news! We can… can… Mabel?” He trailed off when he saw her curled  up in the corner of her bed. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Tell me it’s not true Dipper.” She turned around, with tears brimming in her eyes, “You’re going to high school with Ford? Tell me I heard it wrong and you’re just gonna help him clean up his classroom!”

 

Dipper frowned. This wasn’t how he wanted to break the news to Mabel, but she needed to know. “That’s the great news I was talking about! Ford said he could transfer us both to go to school up here! We could stay in Gravity Falls!”

 

“But only you’d get to go to high school. Without me.” Mabel finished, her face falling.

 

“Well…” Dipper trailed off. How could he possibly make Mabel understand. “Do you even want to skip ahead a year?”

 

“Do you?” Mabel asked accusingly.

 

“Look, I was thinking, and… this is a great opportunity for me.”

 

“Well it’s a horrible opportunity for  _ me _ !” Mabel cried. “Today was the worst! Everything I thought I had to look forward to in the future is either terrible, or just won’t happen, and now… now  _ you _ , the one constant in my life that I can always count on… you’re leaving me  _ too _ !?”

 

“Come on Mabel, I won’t really be leaving. It’d just be during the school day. We’ll make it work.”

 

“I don’t want to make it work!” She sobbed, “I want us to stick together, like we’ve done all summer! That’s the future I want! Why can’t we stay like that!?”

 

“Things aren’t gonna stay frozen this way forever.” Dipper said, giving his sister a comforting hug. “That’s part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends.”

 

She threw his arms off with a yell and dashed out of the room crying, scooping up the bag a the foot of her bed.

 

Mabel didn’t know where she was running to, only that she needed to get away. She ignored the yells from her brother and uncles to come back. She ran straight into the woods, dodging trees and branches and weird Gravity Falls wildlife until she ran out of breath and slumped down, leaning her back against the trunk of a huge pine tree. She curled up into Sweater Town, letting the tears flow freely. 

 

“I need some cheer-up goodies.” She mumbled, slipping out an arm to feel around in her bag for some chocolate. But as she felt around, all she could feel were books, chewed up pens, and… something round? “Uhg, wrong backpack!” She groaned. She peeked out of her sweater, curiously looking to see what that round thing in Dipper’s bag was. 

 

“The rift!?” She gasped. “Oh no, I have to bring this back, now!” She quickly pulled herself out of the sweater and stood.

 

“Wait, maybe I can help you!” A familiar voice called out from the woods, “Maybe we can help each other!”

 

“What, who said that?” Mabel called back nervously.

 

“M-m-m-mable, it’s me!” Blendin Blandin stepped forward, turning off his camouflage suit. 

 

“The time travel guy? What are you doing here?”

 

“I-I’m here to protect my future.” He explained. “That rift you’ve got there, it c-c-c-could end both our futures, right? I’m here to take it off your hands.”

 

Mabel sighed. “It feels like my future’s already over.” She noticed Blendin reaching for the rift and pulled it closer to her chest. “I can’t just give this to anyone, it could end the whole universe!”

 

“I know!” Blendin yelled. “That’s why I need to take it! If the universe ends, m-my timeline will be erased and I’ll be f-free-floating in the timestream without a time of my own to return to!”

 

She looked down at the rift swirling in its container. “I should at least talk to Grunkle Ford about it first…”

 

“There’s no time!” the time traveler insisted, “Why do you think I came back to this specific moment? I have to take it now! L-look to prove I mean no harm, I’ll give you something in return. W-w-what do you want? To go back in time and fix a mistake? Extra time on a test?”

 

“I want just a little more summer, but…” Mabel hesitated.

 

“Mabel, don’t you trust me?” Blendin asked plaintively.

 

She looked up at him. Trust had gotten her through a lot this summer. It had helped her and Dipper defeat the gnomes, it had gotten her some new friends, and it had brought her Grunkle Stan back from the portal. Surely, it would help here too. “Ok. Just a little more summer.” She handed the rift over.

 

“A-woops!” Blendin dropped it on the ground, then stomped on it, just to make it clear he’d done it on purpose.

 

“What!? What’re you doing!?” Mabel cried.

 

Blendin ripped his goggles off to reveal the glowing yellow eyes of Bill Cipher. He snapped, and she fell over, asleep. 

 

Bill hopped out of Blendin’s body, and the time traveler fell asleep beside Mabel.

  
“AT LAST!! AT LONG LAST THE GATEWAY BETWEEN WORLDS HAS OPENED! THE EVENT  _ ONE BILLION YEARS IN THE MAKING  _ **_HAS BEGUN! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!_ ** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not quite sure if I'm gonna handle Weirdmaggeddon in one chapter or two, so this might be the second to last chapter!! Wooo! Wish me luck friends!


	33. Until the End of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bill makes everyone's lives miserable.

**Chapter 33: Until the End of Time**

 

At first, Dipper had only been mildly worried when Mabel ran off with the wrong bag. She knew what the rift was and she knew the danger it presented. Once she saw her mistake she’d come straight back, even if she was mad, to make sure the rift was secured safely away. But what if she didn’t notice? What if she threw her bag down on the ground in anger before she opened it, and the already cracking rift containment unit finally broke open?

 

He’d barely made it off the porch when the sky ripped apart. 

 

Dipper could feel Stanford freeze beside him, but the impending disaster only spurred the boy on. 

 

“Oh no, Mabel!!” He cried and sprinted forward, but he barely made it two steps before something hard, metallic, and hand-shaped grabbed the back of his vest. 

 

“You two, inside now!” Stanley growled, pushing Ford and pulling Dipper back towards the house. And not a moment too soon. A stampede of gnomes, manotaurs, and other forest denizens charged out of the trees, screaming about a weirdness wave. They’d just reached the back door when the weirdness wave arrived, a wall of amorphous energy. The wave swept through the clearing before breaking against a clear pink shield that suddenly appeared just a step beyond the porch. It formed a complete dome over the entire building as the wave washed over them, before disappearing as suddenly as it had appeared once the wave passed.

 

“The unicorn spell!” Dipper exclaimed, “Bill’s magic can’t touch it!”

 

“I never imagined it was this powerful.” Ford said in awe.

 

“Well, we can’t stay here! Mabel had the rift in her backpack, she must be in danger!” the boy pulled his walkie-talkie out of his bag and began trying to reach his sister.

 

Ford grabbed his shoulder to stop him from running off. “Dipper, listen to me. I want to find Mabel as much as you do, but we have to consider our options here. We don’t know where Mabel is or what’s happened to her, but we do know that Bill’s world is spilling into ours, and every minute his power grows stronger. Our best chance of saving Mabel may be finding a way to defeat Bill before his weirdness spreads.”

 

“We’ve got a way, remember?” Stan raised his prosthetic arm confidently.

 

“What’s he talking about?” Dipper asked.

 

“I built a weapon into Stan’s arm that has the potential to destabilize Bill’s form.” Ford explained, although he didn’t seem too confident in that potential.

 

“All we gotta do is blast that troq back into the void he crawled out of!” Stan insisted.

 

“Is defeating Bill even possible?” the boy wondered.

 

“I don’t know.” Ford admitted, “But being a hero means fighting back even when it seems impossible.”

 

“So we’re taking the fight to Bill!” Stan cheered.

 

“Not so fast!” Ford shook his head. “The shield spell makes this a good base of operations, if we’re too hasty we could-”

 

“No way!” Stan argued, “You said yourself that Bill’s power’s growing stronger every minute, how do we know this shield’s gonna last? And besides, every second we wait is another second Mabel’s in danger.”

 

Ford grimaced, but he knew his brother had some very good points. “Alright. But I’m going with you.”

 

“Me too!” Dipper chimed in.

 

Ford looked like he was about to tell Dipper no, that he should stay here where it’s safe, but he changed his mind before a word got out. “We’ll need all the help we can get.”

 

* * *

  
  


It wasn’t easy, but the remaining Pines family managed to sneak into the tower of the old town hall, where they found Bill and his Henchmaniacs gloating in the town square below. 

 

“Easy shot.” Stan smirked, readying the blaster built into his arm. Dipper couldn’t help but think how cool he looked, like Megaman or Samus. 

 

“Be careful, you’ve only got one chance.” Ford warned.

 

“Shut up, I know what I’m doin’!” Stan snapped.

 

“Steady… steady…” Ford continued to mutter.

 

“I said  _ shut yer yap _ you frakin--”

 

Suddenly another weirdness wave washed over them and the bell behind them let out a tolling giggle as it sprang to life. Stan let loose a shot in surprise as all three of them jumped. The energy blast just grazed Bill’s hat, leaving a small hole that quickly regenerated. 

 

“ _ Me nahla’a queysta _ !” Stan growled.

 

“Oh no!” Ford cried, quickly shoving Stan and Dipper away from the window.

 

“WELL, WELL, WELL,  AND HERE I THOUGHT TODAY COULDN’T GET ANY  _ BETTER _ !” Bill turned and basted away the tower.

 

Dipper had sustained a few bumps and bruises, but Stan had managed to shield him from most of the explosion. He could hear both his Grunkles coughing as the dust cleared. Stan was crouched besides him, holding up a large plank with his prosthetic arm. Ford seemed to be ok, but he was pinned beneath a pile of rubble.

 

“Grunkle Ford!” Dipper cried, running to him. 

 

Ford grunted and pulled out his bag, pushing it towards Dipper. The rubble shifted as he removed the bag, pinning him further, but he didn’t stop for a second. 

 

“It’s up to you two now!” Ford said quickly, “Take my journals! Listen, there’s one other possibility to defeat Bill! There’s a pr--” 

 

“OH, I WONDER WHO IT COULD BE?” Bill asked sarcastically as slowly loomed towards the tower. 

 

No time to explain anything else. “Run! Get out of here! I’ll try and distract him as long as I can!” Ford urged them. 

 

Stan and Dipper had barely slipped out of sight down the stairs when Bill got there. Obviously the triangle was in no hurry, and despite their attempts to destroy him, he didn’t consider them a threat.

 

“AH-HA! GOOD OL’ SIX-FINGERS. I’VE BEEN WAITING AN  **ETERNITY** TO HAVE A CHAT FACE TO FACE!” He levitated Ford out of the rubble and high into the air for everyone to see, like he was showing off a prize he’d won at the fair. “EVERYONE, THIS WORLD SHATTERING WOULDN’T BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT HELP FROM OUR FRIEND HERE. GIVE HIM A SIX-FINGERED HAND!” 

 

The henchmaniacs all laughed and jeered. Ford struggled against the magic holding him, but it was no use. Down below, Dipper and Stan had snuck down to the bottom floor of the old town hall and watched the proceedings carefully from the door.

 

“C’mon, while they’re distracted.” Stan motioned from the back door towards the woods just a few yards away.

 

“But… but we can’t just leave him!” Dipper protested, looking back where Bill was still tormenting Ford.

 

“Look, I don’t like it any more than you, but there’s no sense in us gettin’ captured too. Besides, you heard what my brother said, it’s up to us to find a way to stop Bill!”

 

Their argument was interrupted by an outburst from Ford. “I’d die before I join you!” He yelled vehemently at Bill. “I know your weakness!”

 

“OH YEAH?” Bill smirked, “WELL I KNOW A RIDDLE. WHY DID THE OLD MAN DO THIS?” He held his hands up, curling his fingers.

 

“This?” Ford asked in confusion, mimicking him. Suddenly Bill shot a beam of red light at the old teacher, turning him into a statue of gold mid-gesture.

 

“BECAUSE I NEEDED A NEW BACK SCRATCHER!” Bill laughed cruelly.

 

Dipper couldn't take any more, he rushed out of the building.

 

“Kid, get back here!” Stan hissed, but refused to leave his hiding spot in the building.

 

“That's enough!” Dipper cried, pulling out one of the Journals from the bag Ford had given him. “Hand over my uncle, or… or else!”

 

“WELL.” Bill said slowly. “ISN'T. THIS.  **INTERESTING** .” In an instant, Bill was looming over the boy menacingly, enormous eye glowing blood red. “MY OLD PUPPET IS BACK FOR AN ENCORE. YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME? GO AHEAD, PINETREE, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!” 

 

Dipper flipped desperately through the Journal. Ford had pulled the books out of the rubble for them and was about to tell them about a possible way to defeat Bill, so it had to be in the Journals somewhere, right? “I… uh… I… um….”

 

“ _ I UM I _ . WHAT?  _ DO IT _ KID! DO SOME _ BRILLIANT _ THING THAT’S GONNA STOP ME RIGHT NOW. WHADDAYA GOT, PINETREE, EVERYBODY’S WAITING. COME ON.  _ DO IT _ !”

 

The boy’s temper snapped, and he lunged at Bill. The demon let the boy get an inch within his eye before pushing back with a force field. Dipper crashed into a tree, out of sight from town hall where Stan was still hiding.

 

“DON’T BE A HERO, KID.” Bill advised as he twirled Ford’s frozen form between his fingers like a normal person might twirl a pencil. “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO HEROES IN MY WORLD!” The triangle swept the Journals up with a wave of his hand and burned them away in blue flames.

 

“No!” Dipper cried.

 

“NOT MUCH OF A THREAT NOW, ARE YOU?” Bill said as he turned and walked away like everything that had just happened was no more than an annoying distraction. “NOW, CAN ANYONE REMIND ME WHY WE’RE HERE?”

 

“To GeT WeIrD!” A huge monster will billiard balls for eyes answered.

 

“THAT’S RIGHT! VIP PARTY AT THE FEARAMID!” Bill cheered. “8-BALL, TEETH,  HAVE PINETREE FOR A SNACK.”

 

With that, he transformed a nearby car into an impossible roadster and flew off towards the floating pyramid in the sky with his entourage, leaving just two flunkies behind to eat Dipper. The boy ran faster than he ever had before.

* * *

  
  
  


Dipper couldn't believe it had only been three days (but had it really? Time was supposed to be dead, right? Maybe Shandra Jimenez was just making stuff up) since Weirdmageddon had begun. It had felt like he had spent months surviving on the post-apocalyptic streets of Gravity Falls, but he refused to go back to the safety of the shield spell until he found Mabel.

 

Now, with Wendy and Soos by his side, Dipper was ready to save his sister. They had the key to this prison bubble, and they were going to bring her home to safety.

 

But what they found inside the bubble wasn't at all what they were expecting. Instead of the kinds of horrors Dipper had expected from a prison designed by Bill, instead it was… well, it was Mabeland. It was exactly what a world designed from Mabel's imagination would be. Now they were riding in a convertible with Mabel's dream boys to the castle where she was supposed to be.

 

“Don't let your guard down, guys.” Dipper advised his friends, “Remember, this is a prison built by Bill. This place is probably made up of Mabel's fantasies as some sort of trap! We need to find her ASAP and get the heck out of here!”

 

“Here we are!” Craz said exuberantly. “Mabel's diggs are at the top of the tallest tower, guarded by those waffle guards. There's no way to get past them!”

 

“Somebody get me some syrup.” Soos said determinedly.

* * *

  
  
  


One swat-team like infiltration later, and they had found Mabel, asleep in a bed.

 

“Up you go, little lady.” Soos whispered as he scooped her up in his arms.

 

“Uh… Soos? Wendy? Dipper?” Mabel asked groggily as she woke.

 

“Don’t worry Mabel, we’ll get you out of this.” Dipper assured her.

 

“But guys!” She exclaimed as Wendy struggled to barricade the door against charging waffle guards. They all but ignored her. The young girl heaved a beleaguered sigh and clapped twice. Suddenly, everything in the room was floating. With another clap the lights came on, and everyone was set down in an inflatable chair. The guards charged in, but Mabel waved them off and they left without a word.

 

“Mabel, what’s going on?” Her brother asked in confusion, “We came here to save you!”

 

“Guys, I appreciate that you’d do all this crazy action hero stuff for me, but I don’t need saving!” Mabel replied, “I made this world, it’s my home now!”

 

“What!?” Her three friends exclaimed.

 

“Well, I actually woke up here a while ago, but I’ve been building this world ever since. It’s complicated.” She explained. “Basically, this place gives you whatever you want, sometimes before you even know that you want it!” Suddenly a chinchilla popped out of mid-air and landed in her lap, “Like apparently I wanted a chinchilla! Right again, Mabeland! And now that you guys are here, it’s finally actually perfect!”

 

“Listen Mabel, we’re not here to party.” Dipper protested. “All of this is crazy! If you don’t wanna come with us because you’re still mad at me over the whole skipping to highschool thing, I get it, and I’m sorry, but--”

 

“Psssh,” Mabel scoffed. “That’s not it at all! Sure, I felt like I wanted to hide inside my sweater forever for a while, but I’m over it now. You can do whatever you want, Dip, I’ve got Mabeland!”

 

“What I want is for us to get out of here and _save_ _Gravity Falls_!” Dipper said vehemently. 

 

Suddenly the door flew open and vaguely familiar figure on a skateboard rolled in. “Wiggidy-wiggidy-what’s up dude-bros! I’m Dippy Fresh!” He looked like Dipper if the worst of the 90’s had thrown up all over him.

 

“Mabel, what the heck is this?” Dipper asked flatly.

 

“Oh, that’s just my back-up Dipper.” Mabel said casually, “He’s just to cover your brotherly duties in your absence.”

 

“I like skateboarding, supporting my sister, and punctuating every sentence with a high-five!” Dippy Fresh held up a hand to Soos.

 

“Oh! Don’t mind if I--” The young mechanic started.

 

“Eh-hem.” Dipper grunted.

 

“Sorry dude, I can’t leave him hanging.” Soos followed through with the high-five.

 

“You’re dead to me Soos.”

 

* * *

  
  


Dipper couldn’t believe this. They’d been in Mabeland for less than an hour and already Wendy and Soos had been taken in by the coolness. Just one little fantasy was all it took to make them forget about their mission. And Wendy’s fantasy wasn’t even a particularly good one,  at least not in Dipper’s opinion. And Mabel! Dipper didn’t even want to think about Mabel right now, it just made him mad!

 

So instead the boy’s mind wandered. He was glad he hadn’t looked to see the fantasy Mabel had tried to show him, but… he couldn’t help but be curious what it was. Probably something to do with going to high school with Ford. He knew it was something that still had to be on Mabel’s mind, even if she claimed she was over it. But that wasn’t really a fantasy, it was something that really could have happened, if it weren’t for Weirdmageddon. 

 

It was then that Dipper realized that this was really the first time he’d had a moment to sit down and really think about what moving to Gravity Falls and skipping a grade or two would entail since Ford had suggested it to him. Between saving Ford from the alien drone, the fight with Mabel, the start of Weirdmageddon, and then trying to survive the Oddpocalypse, Dipper hadn’t really had a chance to stop and really consider the implications. When he’d first imagined going to high school and taking classes with Ford, he’d imagined it would be like an adventure. Ironically, it was only here in a land where everyone could actually live out their fantasies, that Dipper realized he’d been ready to make a huge, life changing decision based on a fantasy of his own. 

 

Of course, taking classes with Ford would probably still be more fun than normal school, but he’d only be taking one or two classes with his uncle a semester. The rest of his classes would be with teachers he didn’t know; it probably wouldn’t be that different from school last year. Only it’d be harder. Not to mention, on top of all the other things that already got him teased,  he’d also be the youngest kid at school. And he’d already seen with Robbie that high schoolers weren’t above picking on younger kids. 

 

There was one more thing, above all others, that was making Dipper question his decision. Moving away from his parents. Ford had been sure the boy’s parents would be happy to let Dipper go if it meant furthering his education, but Dipper wasn’t quite sure  _ he _ wanted to leave  _ them _ . Sure, he was about to turn 13, he was practically a man now, and he was always eager to prove how mature he was. But for the last three days, or however long it had been, Dipper had wanted nothing more than to hug his mother or father and hide from the world in the safety of their arms like a baby, for just a moment. He probably wouldn’t have admitted this before, but he really didn’t feel ready to move away from home. Not longer than over the summer.

 

“Dipper, honey, are you  _ crying _ ?” A voice behind him asked.

 

Dipper quickly wiped away the tears he hadn’t even noticed welling up in his eyes. “M-mom!?” 

 

“Hey hon, I heard you’d run off upset. Looks like it was worse than I thought.” Dipper’s mom was here, he’d wanted so badly just to hug her and now she was here. 

 

“B-but, you can't be here, that's…” impossible, he wanted to say, but  he couldn't seem to get the words out. All his paranoia seemed to be melting away now that his mother was here.

 

“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

 

“E-everything’s wrong!” the boy cried, wrapping his arms around his mother’s waist. “The world is ending! Bill’s turning everyone to stone, Grunkle Ford’s gone, I don’t even know what happened to Grunkle Stan, and Mabel won’t help me! Even Soos and Wendy would rather stay here than fix things! And I don’t even know if things  _ can _ be fixed!”

 

“Oh, honey, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” his mother soothed him, “you always do.”

 

“Maybe Mabel’s right.” Dipper sighed, “It’s a horror show out there, at least here the air is breathable. 

 

“It doesn’t matter what Mabel thinks. It only matters what  _ you _ think. After all, you’re the smart one.” his mother said, wrapping her arms around him, “But it’ll be hard to think without rest. Come on, lay down for a while and forget about all this.”

 

“W-wait…” Dipper pulled away. “Aaaaahhhh.... You’re not really my mom! She’s not here! _ This isn’t real! _ ” 

 

The illusion of his mother melted away into beetles and worms, and the once bright colors of Mabeland grew dark.

 

“ **You shouldn't have done that, Dipperrrrrrrrrr!** ” A tree laden with stuffed animals roared at him.

 

“ **There are eyes everywhere** ” the stuffed animals warned, their eyes glowing a sickly yellow for emphasis.

 

As suddenly as the world had changed to dark and foreboding, it snapped back to cheery Mabeland, the trees all singing and swaying in time to the pop music. The only difference? There was no trace of Dipper's fake mother.

 

The boy's heart raced and he felt light-headed. “Uuuugh I'm loosing my mind! We have to get out of here! We have to get back  _ to the real world!! _ ”

 

* * *

  
  


Apparently mentioning the real world was the one illegal thing in Mabeland. Honestly, Dipper was lucky he didn't get arrested for it sooner. But now he was on trial against his own sister in a court case of fantasy versus reality. Now Mabel's lawyers, Xyler and Craz from earlier, were questioning him.

 

“Dipper Pines,” Xyler began, “you claim to be a supporter of reality, correct?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Do you or do you not regularly participate in the fantasy role-playing game, Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons?”

 

“That’s different! I--”

 

“And have you not spent a great deal of time fantasizing about a certain Wendy Corduroy?”

 

Wendy grimaced awkwardly from her seat in the audience and avoided eye contact.

 

“W-well, maybe, but--.” Dipper blushed deep red.

 

“And have you not entertained the fantasy of graduating early?”

 

“Hey, that's not a fantasy!” Dipper protested.

 

“We'll give you that for now. But how do you explain all your other fantasies?” Craz asked.

 

“W-well I'm not saying fantasy is always bad!” Dipper explained, “I'm just saying you shouldn't ignore reality and live in a fantasy world all the time!”

 

“Right.” Craz said smugly. “That will be all.”

 

Dipper stormed back to his seat as Xyler pulled out Mabel's scrapbook.

 

“Your honor, I'd like to show you this reality Dipper 'loves’ so much and show you how it has wronged both my client and Dipper.”

 

Mabel's dream lawyers began showing some of the worst days of the young twins’ childhood. 2nd Grade picture day. 4th Grade Valentine's day. Dipper groaned with embarrassment and frustration. They were about to close the case on him! Luckily Dipper had one trick up his sleeve. He knew Mabel. 

 

“Your honor, I'd like to call Mabel Pines to the stand!” He declared.

 

The whole courtroom gasped, but the judge, being a curious cat, allowed it.

 

“Mabel listen, I may not have all the answers. I'm not stylish or cool or even as smart as I try to seem. But there's one thing I do know, and that's  _ you. _ And I know that, even if you try not to seem that way, you don't want to be in this fantasy world.”

 

“Uuuh ...pffft… no…” Mabel scoffed, although Dipper could tell her heart wasn't in it.

 

“You're scared of growing up, and who could blame you? I'm scared too.” The boy admitted.

 

“Lalalalalala I'm not listening!” Mabel yelled and covered her ears. Dipper couldn't help but smile. If she was resorting to  _ that, _ he knew he was getting through to her. He continued to show her how they'd gotten through all those bad days Xyler and Craz had shown earlier: together, by helping and supporting each other.

 

“We've always been there for each other. Mabel, you say you're always right about everything, and I don't necessarily think that's true, but… but you were right about the high school thing.  _ I'm  _ the one who was living in a fantasy thinking we'd be better off staying in Gravity Falls and that I'd be happier skipping to high school.

 

“I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear it, because we'll face it together! Come with me! Together I know we can beat Bill and make things right!”

 

“Dipper…” Mabel said softly, Mabel said softly, and for the first time since they'd found her in Mabeland, she actually sounded like herself “You… you don't have to give up your dream for me…”

 

“You're more important to me than some fantasy.” Dipper assured her.

 

Mabel got up out of her chair and ran to her brother. “You're more important to me than some fantasy too!” 

 

“Awkward Sibling Hug?” Dipper offered.

 

The bright and colorful citizens of Mabeland shrieked.

 

“Don't do it!” Craz demanded.

 

“You do this and it's all over!” The judge threatened.

 

“ _ Sincere _ sibling hug.” Mabel smiled a genuine smile.

 

“Don't do the pats!!” the judge yeoweled.

 

The young twins embraced and patted each other on the back awkwardly. A wave pulsed through the crowd, knocking back several of the Mabelanders and outright erasing others.

 

Mabel squinted as she pulled out of the hug. “Uhg, I never realized how bright it is in here. And have I really been listening to the same song on repeat for a  _ whole week _ !?”

 

The judge suddenly hissed at them.

 

Mabel rolled her eyes. “Ok, time to calm you down.” She clapped twice. Nothing happened. “What!? Why isn't this working!?”

 

“Because your reign over this land is  **over.** ” The judge growled menacingly.

 

All the denizens of Mabeland, except, oddly enough, Xyler and Craz, turned on the four friends, changing in an instant from colorful and fun to dark and murderous.

 

“Looks like paradise is canceled!” Dipper grabbed Wendy and Soos and the four of them ran for it as the world began to collapse around them. 

 

Mabel led them outside, where a pig the size of a bus was waiting.

 

“Take us to freedom, Giant Waddles!” Mabel cried as the four of them climbed aboard the pig. She grabbed a giant knitting needle and brandished it like a lance as Waddles charged at the wall that marked the boundary of their world. “Sorry Mabeland, time to burst your bubble!” The needle pierced the wall and all of Mabeland burst into confetti.

 

Everyone groaned and got up from the rough landing. Every trace of Mabeland was gone, Mabel was back in the dirty red sweater she’d been wearing when she ran away, and Waddles was back to his normal size.

 

“Is everybody ok?” Mabel asked.

 

“We’ve missed you, Mabel!” Soos cheered, pulling her into a hug.

 

“Good to have you back, man.” Wendy fist-bumped her.

 

Mabel hugged them both, and then looked back at her brother. “Dipper, I meant what I said before, you don’t have to give up your dream for me.”

 

“And I meant what I said.” Dipper replied. “You’re more important than some fantasy. Besides, I’d hate to miss out on any of your awkward high school years.”

 

“So, we’ve got Mabel back.” Wendy said. “That’s step one. Any ideas of what to do next?” 

 

“I guess we should try and head back to Grunkle Ford’s house.” Dipper shrugged, “The unicorn spell acted as a shield against Bill’s chaos magic, but Grunkle Stan said it might not last. I think we should go and at least check. And we could probably find some stuff we could use to defend ourselves.”

* * *

  
  


Bill Cipher didn't know how or why, but  _ something  _ was keeping his chaos from spreading through the world. What gives? He was supposed to be all-powerful now! Why did his power stop at the edge of Gravity Falls!?

 

Luckily, Bill knew just the guy who could figure out what was wrong. And while the triangle was going to miss using this particularly annoying human as a back scratcher, it was a small price to pay for taking the party intergalactic.

 

The only trick would be getting Sixer to cooperate.The guy was a pain in the bisecting angle, ever since Bill had “betrayed” him, they moron could never just go along with anything. This was going to take some serious sweet talking.

 

He snapped his fingers to change his prisoner from gold back into a flesh-sack, and just a few seconds later he could hear the old goat struggling against the chain in the penthouse suite upstairs. It was little things like this that made being an all-powerful being able to bend reality to his whims worth it. Time for his grand entrance.

 

“ _ WE’LL MEET AGAIN, DON'T KNOW WHERE, DON'T KNOW WHEN! _ ” Bill sang and played a piano made out of pure darkness as he rose up through the floor, “ _ OH I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN SOME SUNNY DAY! _ ”

 

“Wh-where am I!?” Stanford asked, desperately trying and epicly failing to keep the fear out of his voice. Cute.

 

“YOU'RE IN THE PENTHOUSE SUITE, KID!” Bill said jovially, “HAVE A DRINK, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.” 

 

Ford refused to touch the drink that appeared in his hand, but he did at least sit down. Perfect.

 

“DID YOU KNOW THAT COUCH IS MADE OUT OF LIVING HUMAN SKIN?” The demon said conversationally. As expected, the moron jumped off the couch like it was on fire. Which Bill considered doing later. Invite somebody to sit down and then burn them alive. That’d be hilarious! But first, to business.

 

“Quit playing games, Cipher! If I'm alive, that means you must want something.”

 

“SHARP AS EVER, FORDSY. AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, I'VE RECENTLY HAD A  **MULTIDIMENSIONAL MAKE-OVER.** I CONTROL SPACE, MATTER, AND TIME ITSELF.”

 

“Spare me your gloating, what do you want with me?” Ford demanded.

 

“FINE. I'M HERE TO LIBERATE YOUR DIMENSION, STANFORD, BUT I'VE HIT A BIT OF A SNAG.” Bill's eye projected a hologram, showing the triangle struggling to break free of a dome of energy surrounding Gravity Falls. “TURNS OUT MY WEIRDNESS CAN'T ESCAPE THE MAGICAL CONFINES OF THIS STUPID HICK TOWN. SOMETHING'S KEEPING ME IN. AND I HAVE A HUNCH YOU KNOW WHAT.”

 

“Incredible!” Ford gasped, “Gravity Falls natural law of weirdness magnetism! I studied this years ago!”

 

“SO YOU KNOW HOW TO REVERSE IT?” Bill asked.

 

Ford gritted his teeth. Was there any use lying at this point? He wasn't a very good liar, and Bill would probably figure it out sooner rather than later. Best to be straight forward in this case. “Of course I know how, but I'd never tell you!”

 

“LISTEN, FORD, IF YOU JUST SOLVE THIS ONE LITTLE PROBLEM, FINALLY YOUR DIMENSION WILL BE FREE!” The triangle conjured up an illusion of the henchmaniacs, all the size of planets, trashing the solar system. Bill himself drew a smiley face on North America, causing untold destruction to the people on the surface. The illusionary Bill then took a bite right out of the Earth, like it was a jelly-filled doughnut. “ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WILL BE POSSIBLE. I'LL REMAKE A FUN WORLD, A BETTER WORLD! A PARTY THAT NEVER ENDS WITH A HOST THAT NEVER DIES!” The illusion panned out to show Ford himself the size of a galaxy, standing in the middle of one and laughing triumphantly. “AND YOU'D BE ONE OF US! ALL-POWERFUL, BEYOND ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER IMAGINED! AND ALL I NEED IS YOUR HELP.”

 

“You're insane if you think I'd ever help you.” Ford growled.

 

“I'M INSANE EITHER WAY, SMART GUY. I'LL JUST FISH AROUND IN YOUR MIND AND FIND IT MYSELF!” With that the triangle jumped out of his physical form and dove right for Ford’s brain. The old man flinched away, but… nothing happened.

 

“ _ WHAT!? _ ” Bill fumed, bursting into blue flames.

 

Ford looked pretty confused himself for a moment, before a realization dawned on him. “From now until the end of time…” He whispered more to himself than to Bill. “When I made a deal with you, I said I'd let you into my mind 'from now until the end of time’. You ended time…” the old man suddenly grinned triumphantly and raised his voice. “The deal is finished! You can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and make another deal with you!”

 

Bill return to his physical form and burned red. What was  _ with _ this guy!? The demon had offered him power, freedom, and an awesome party! What else could anyone possibly want!? Oh, wait. Humans had  _ family _ just like those flat losers from Bill's home-dimension, before he partied so hard it broke. He could use that.

 

“WELL IT JUST SO HAPPENS I’VE BEEN HOLDING ON TO A BARGAINING CHIP FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.” Bill lied. Sixer didn't need to know he'd just come up with this idea on the fly. “THAT SHOOTING-STAR YOU CARE ABOUT SO MUCH HAS BEEN SITTING PRETTY IN A LITTLE DREAM WORLD I MADE FOR HER. BUT IF I CAN'T ESCAPE THAT WEIRDNESS MAGNETISM, I'LL PROBABLY GET BORED AND THROW HER INTO THE NIGHTMARE REALM INSTEAD.”

 

That smug relief melted off the old man's face like fat off of roasting flesh. “No! You can't!”

 

“DID YOU MISS THE MEMO, IQ? **I CAN DO ANYTHING!** ”

 

Finally, he was cracking, Bill could see it in the way his hands shook, but then of course, something had to go and ruin the moment.

 

“BoSs, We’Ve GoT a SiTuAtIoN wItH MaBeL’s BuBbLe!” Cryptos burst in.

 

“DO YOU MIND!?” Bill seethed, “I’M THE MIDDLE OF A BARGAIN HERE!”

 

“B-BuT tHeY’vE eScApEd!” Cryptos blurted.

 

Bill grew four times in sized and glowed red with heat.  **“CRYPTOS, I SWEAR TO** **_ME_ ** **I'M GONNA FEED YOU TO XANTHAR AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT WHERE HIS MOUTH IS!!”**

 

The living Masonic symbol scampered away as quick as he could. Ford, what with being chained up, did not have that luxury.

 

“AS FOR YOU,” Bill bore down on his prisoner menacingly. “DON'T THINK YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK JUST BECAUSE A FEW PAWNS SLIPPED AWAY. EVERYONE HAS A WEAKNESS, TOUGH GUY. I’LL FIND YOURS.”

 

The demon snapped, and glowing blue manacles sprung into existence, clapping around Ford's limbs and neck. It wasn't quite tight enough to choke him, but it was plenty tight enough to be painful.

 

“LET'S START WITH THE FUN STUFF. HOW MUCH ELECTRICITY CAN YOU SEND THROUGH THE HUMAN BODY BEFORE IT EXPLODES? DON'T WORRY, IF YOU DIE I'LL JUST SET TIME BACK TO BEFORE I KILLED YOU, SINCE I CAN DO THAT NOW.”

 

Ford yelped as the triangle yanked his chain and began to drag him into another part of the Fearamid. He could hold up under torture, he was sure. But what if Bill got his hands on the kids again? Or on Fiddleford, or Soos or Wendy? Or on Stan? What scared Ford even more than Bill's far-from-idle threats was the realization that everyone he loved and cared about was in even greater danger than he'd imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter to go, guys! Here's hoping it will be done soon! I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter, because I had a lot of fun writing it. 
> 
> The whole thing with Dipper's mom kinda happened spur-of-the moment. At first I just wanted to write about MY biggest beef with the whole "Dipper taking Ford's apprenticeship" thing- The kid is way too young to leave his parents. But then I was thinking about how, because I haven't developed Dipper and Wendy's relationship as much, it wouldn't be as powerful of a character moment to have Wendy be the fantasy wouldn't be as powerful. And since I'd just been talking about how much Dipper missed his parents, it made sense to use his mom.


	34. Hero Complex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes earn their happy ending.

**Chapter 34: Hero Complex**

 

The house was still in one piece when the kids got back. There was no evidence whether the shield spell was still holding or not, but they were all just happy to find a familiar structure to hide out in. They were about to open the door when they all heard something inside. Dipper picked up a golf club that'd been sitting on the porch, Wendy pulled out her crossbow, Mabel readied her grappling hook, and Soos took a karate stance.

 

“Yaaaaah!” The four friends yelled as they kicked the door open.

 

“Yaaaaah!” A ragtag group of townsfolk and magical creatures from the woods led by Stan yelled, ready to defend their turf.

 

“Wait, Stan!?” Dipper and Mabel gasped when they realized who it was.

 

“Kids!?” Stan disengaged the weapons system in his prosthetic, “I can't believe it! I thought I'd lost you two!”

 

The three of them shared a happy reunion hug. Tears flowed more freely than at least two of them would care to admit. Wendy and Soos soon joined in the hug. Even if they didn't know Stan all that well, it was still nice to see a friend after everything that had happened.

 

“It's good to have you knuckleheads back.” Stan said as he finally broke away from the hug.

 

“Why… what's everyone doing here?” Dipper asked as he surveyed the room. There were Candy and Grenda, dressed like Mad Max cosplayers, and Pacifica, who was wearing a pillowcase or something, and the Multibear, who was wearing an eye-patch on his main head, along with some gnomes, a manotaur, and the boy band  _ Sev’ral Timez. _

 

“Welcome to the survivors’ club.” Stan shrugged.

 

“Whaaa?” The kids asked.

 

“ _ Eyebat!! _ ” A gnome cried before anyone could explain. Everyone in the house scrambled to put out all the lights and close all the shutters and curtains. Dipper and Mabel couldn't help but peek outside between some blinds. Sure enough, an eyebat was flapping around outside. The sweeping beam of its paralysing gaze was stopped by a shimmering pink shield the moment it looked towards the house. 

 

“So the shield  _ is  _ still working!” Dipper observed.

 

“Grunkle Stan, how'd this happen?” Mabel asked once the eyebat passed.

 

“Well, after seein’ my brother turned to gold and thinkin’ Dipper here’d been eaten, I didn't know what else  _ to _ do except come back here. That's when I ran into possum breath here” Stan jabbed a mechanical thumb towards McGucket, “leading a group of stragglers through the woods. They needed a place to stay, so I took 'em all in and made myself chief. Plan is to stay here and live off Ford's food storage long as we can. Then I vote we eat the gnomes.”

 

“Hey, I'm short, not deaf!!” Jeff protested.

 

“Grunkle Stan, we can't just hide out here, there's a town in need of saving!” Dipper protested.

 

“Look, kiddo, we’ve got a good deal here.” Stan explained. “It ain’t ideal, I know, but we’ve got everything we need in here. A lot of these guys may look like monsters, but they’re actually pretty nice. Bear-bear here even knows Shiatzu!”

 

“Yes, I’ve been taking some classes.” The multi-bear nodded. 

 

“We can stay here where it’s safe as long as we need to.”

 

“Grunkle Stan, you don’t actually think if we wait it out long enough Bill will just go away!?” Mabel was scandalized.

 

“Yeah, what happened?” Dipper asked, “Before you were all about taking the fight to Bill and not waiting a second, and now you just wanna hole up inside as long as you can?”

 

“Look what trying to fight Bill got us!” Stan snapped, “I wasted my only shot, that shazbot took my know-it-all brother as a literal trophy, and until you kids showed up on the doorstep a moment ago, I thought you all were dead! At least in here we can live some sort of life, out there all that’s waiting for us is death or worse!”

 

“But… what about our families?” Soos asked quietly.

 

Stan didn’t have an answer for that. He just looked away, but as his eyes swept across the room, he saw almost everyone wore the same expression: worry for their loved ones. Not long before the kids had showed up, they’d picked up a broadcast on the TV from inside the Fearamid, where they saw most everyone in Gravity Falls frozen in stone and stacked into a throne for Bill.

 

“Guys, don’t you see?” Mabel encouraged them as she climbed to the top of the stairs where everyone could see her, “Our friends need us, but we can only save them if we fight back!”

 

“Mabel’s right!” Dipper joined her, “Bill  _ wants _ us to run and hide. He  _ wants _ us to think he’s invincible, but Ford told me before he was turned to gold he knows Bill’s secret weakness!”

 

“Yeah, and then his oh-so-special research Journals were destroyed.” Stan scoffed. “We got no leads kid. I spent twelve years tryin’ to fight against Bill, and never heard nothin’ about any ‘secret weakness’.”

 

“Then we’ll rescue him!” The boy exclaimed, “If Ford’s the only one who knows about Bill’s weakness then we’ll have to get it from him! If we all work together, we might be able to save Gravity Falls!”

 

Everyone cheered, except Stan, who still seemed skeptical. “And how d’you plan on doin’ that? This is the only place where we’re safe, and it’s not like we can carry the shield spell around with us.”

 

“W-whoa! Holey Hootenanny! Flapjacks an’ Tiddlywinks!” McGucket suddenly burst out, his knee bouncing up and down as he thumped his foot against the floor. “Sorry, sorry,” He said sheepishly as everyone stared at him. “Just got excited is all. But I got an idea hows about we can fight Bill an’ rescue Ford! But I’ll need all’a y’all’s help!”

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa people, let’s not forget who’s in charge here!” Stan snorted indignantly, “I’ve been on the run from that psycho for the better part of twelve years, and now you want me to just waltz up to the guy’s front door?”

 

“Grunkle Stan, I’m sure we’re not gonna just walk up to the Fearamid,” Mabel assured him, “Just hear McGucket out!” 

 

“No! There’s no way I’m leaving this house!”

 

* * *

  
  


Stan was not particularly happy to hear the plan involved literally taking the house to Bill. Sure, it seemed like a good idea on paper. If the only thing protecting them from Bill was attached to the house, it made sense to bring the house with them. But turning the place into a giant fighting robot!? That was just ridiculous! Nevermind the dimension he’d visited with actual fifty-foot fighting treehouse robots. He was pretty sure that was a spectator sport, and not for actual combat. Certainly not for fighting against the all-powerful ruler of the nightmare realm. 

 

Still, as they began cutting holes in the walls and using leftover parts from the portal to build actual working giant robot arms and legs, Stan began to think this might actually work. Not that he’d ever admit that to anyone. 

 

He’d nearly lost it when people started leaving the safety of the shield spell to try and raid more stuff they needed from outside, but so far everyone who had left for the junkyard and the amber mines had come back safely. 

 

Now the “Shacktron”, as Soos had dubbed it after a comment on the house’s state by Pacifica, was nearly complete, and everyone was enjoying a bonfire as Mabel passed out sweaters, celebrating all they’d already accomplished and what they hoped to accomplish tomorrow.

 

“Uhg, I go through all this trouble to keep these survivors safe, and they’re gonna risk it all; for what? The chance that Stanford  _ might _ know Bill’s weakness?” Stan complained to the only person who would listen to him, an ugly gnome who didn’t say much. “It’s a load of… of…” Stan searched his considerable vocabulary of alien swears for an appropriate phrase.

 

“Shmebulock!” The gnome exclaimed.

 

“Yeah! It’s a load of Shmebulock!” the old con man agreed. But his rage quickly died into a sigh. “It’s my own fault though. We wouldn't have to go save my brother if I hadn’t talked him into confrontin’ Bill right away in the first place. ...Bill wouldn’t even  _ be _ in our dimension if my brother hadn’t opened that portal for me….”

 

“Grunkle Stan, is something wrong?” Mabel asked as she and Dipper suddenly walked into his field of vision. Stan jumped. He was losing his touch in his old age, he hadn’t even noticed they were there.

 

“Wh-bu-pft-I’m not-- I’m fine!” He spluttered. “How long have you kids been standin’ there listenin’ to me mouth off?” 

 

“We just saw you acting grumpier than usual and wanted to make sure everything’s ok.” Mabel shrugged.

 

“It’s this plan to save my stupid brother!” Stan harrumphed. “I’ve been working hard to keep everybody safe, and what thanks do I get? Nothin’! But  _ maybe _ he knows somethin’ about stoppin’ Bill, and suddenly everybody’s ready to risk their lives to save him. No matter what I do, it’s always ‘Stan’s the screw-up, Ford’s the hero’.”

 

Dipper frowned. He’d heard what Stan was saying to Shmebulock before. “Grunkle Stan, you’re not a screw up. This isn’t your fault any more than it is Mabel’s. Bill tricked you, because that’s what he does! Of course you wanted to come home! Of course you wanted to try anything to stop Bill as quickly as possible! And yeah, things went wrong, but that doesn’t mean you should hide away and beat yourself up for it! We have a chance to fix things now, and yeah, it’s risky, but at least there’s a chance that we’ll be able to save the world, instead of just accepting that this is the way things are now!”

 

“Yeah!” Mabel agreed, “Besides, you love risk!”

 

Stan gave a fond sigh and hugged the two of them. “Heh, alright, you kids’ve convinced me. I’ll get on board with Project: Long Odds. Whatever you want me to do, just ask.”

 

“Yes!” Mabel cheered, “Trust me, guys, tomorrow's gonna be great! We’ll save Grunkle Ford, and then you won’t have to worry about him anymore!”

 

“What, tch, I’m… I’m not worried about him!” Stan protested, crossing his arms and looking away. “I only care about finding a way to stop Bill, and that know-it-all is our best bet.”

 

Mabel and Dipper rolled their eyes. “Sure, Grunkle Stan.”

 

* * *

  
  


He couldn’t think. He couldn’t feel anything beyond the pain jolting through him. He couldn’t see anything beyond the burning blue light blinding him. He couldn’t hear anything beyond the ragged screaming that he no longer recognized as his own. He couldn’t smell anything beyond the crackling ozone. He couldn’t taste anything beyond the metallic tang that he didn’t have the presence of mind to realize was probably his own blood. This was his world. He knew nothing else.

 

Then, mercifully, it stopped, and his brain started ticking again. His thoughts and feelings slowly trickled back. He was Stanford Pines, the last one standing between Bill Cipher and destroying the rest of the universe outside of Gravity Falls. He couldn’t break. He couldn’t tell Bill what he wanted to know. He couldn’t let the demon into his mind. He could feel the manacles digging into his skin. He could see Bill and his cronies standing over him like a gang of school yard bullies. He could hear his own labored breathing and the snickering of the Henchmaniacs. He still couldn’t smell much other than ozone, but at least now he knew he was tasting his own blood. It wasn’t nearly as much as he’d expected. 

 

“READY TO TALK NOW?” Bill asked in a bored tone.

 

“I-I won’t…” Ford rasped. “...I won’t… let you into my mind!”

 

“WHADDAYA SAY, PALS, ANOTHER 500 VOLTS?” Bill asked his audience. The Henchmaniacs laughed and cheered. Bill was winding up for another blast of electricity when they all heard a thumping noise coming from outside the Fearamid. It grew louder and louder, until…  **crash!** A theropod head burst through the wall and roared.

 

“WHAT!? I JUST FIXED THAT DOOR!” Bill whined. 

 

Ford squinted to see what was outside the Fearamid. His glasses were so dirtied with soot he wondered briefly if he might see better without them. Was that… was that his  _ house _ !?

 

“It’s the Shacktron, dudes!” he more heard than saw Soos cheer. Oh no, what was Soos doing here!? Didn’t he realize the danger? And who else had he brought with him? Ford could only imagine what Bill would do if the triangle managed to nab all his loved ones at once.

 

“SO THE MORTALS ARE TRYING TO FIGHT BACK, HUH? ADORABLE!” Bill gave a cruel chuckle. “HENCHMANIACS, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO! TAKE ‘EM OUT!”

 

It was hard for Ford to see what was going on from his vantage point, but he couldn’t look away. The more he watched, the more anxious he became. He could see Wendy leaping onto an eyebat, he could hear Fiddleford’s distinctive voice calling out commands, and Mabel and Dipper’s cheer after punching out Paci-Fire and Kryptos. He even caught a glimpse of Stan through a window when the Shacktron came near enough to the hole in the Fearamid. But as things went on, his fear was mixed with pride. They were holding their own! Better than holding their own, they were winning! Soon enough all of Bill’s minions were sprawled across the ground, groaning in pain.

 

“SERIOUSLY GUYS? YOU HAD LIKE  _ ONE _ JOB!” Bill groaned.

 

“Bravo, everyone!” Ford cheered defiantly.

 

Bill sneered at him. “YEAH, ENJOY YOUR LITTLE VICTORY NOW, WISE-GUY. YOU DO REALIZE I’M GONNA GO GRAB YOUR LITTLE FAMILY AND MAKE YOU WATCH ME TORTURE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM UNTIL YOU TELL ME HOW TO REVERSE THE WEIRDNESS MAGNETISM, RIGHT?”

 

Ford’s heart fell. “No, no you ca--” Bill re-froze him mid-sentence.

 

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, SIXER? I CAN DO  **ANYTHING!** ”

 

* * *

  
  


He didn’t know how long it had been when he was unfrozen. All he knew was suddenly half the town was there, freed from their stony prison, and Bill was still outside fighting the Shacktron. Mabel and Dipper were standing in front of him with identical hopeful grins. 

 

“Kids!” Ford knelt down and hugged them both tightly, “I knew you could do it! That was brilliant!” He caught sight of McGucket just off to the side, apparently trying not to interrupt a family moment. “Fiddleford! Thank you, old friend, I know they couldn't have done it without you.”

 

“Aw shucks, I'm jus’ glad yer ok.” McGucket smiled as the two old scientists hugged.

 

“Yeah, nice to see you too, bro.” Stan grunted from behind them. 

 

“Grunkle Ford,” Dipper piped up, “before, you said something about one other possible way to beat Bill. What was it?”

 

“Yeah, what's Bill's secret weakness?” Mabel asked.

 

“Oh, right!” The old researcher remembered, and reached for something in his pocket. But be paused mid-motion, looking around the room. “Back when I first learned about Bill, there was a prophecy painted on the cave wall as well.” Ford observed all the people standing around him, and suddenly the puzzle that had eluded him for years finally clicked into place. “Robbie, do you still carry spray paint around with you?”

 

“Uh… yeah. Why?” the teen asked.

 

“You'll see.” Ford assured him, grabbing the paint canister and quickly spraying a large circle on the floor.

 

“Uh, Bill's just outside, I don't know how long the others can hold him off.” Dippy pointed out.

 

“Yes, yes, good.” Ford murmured in reply, concentrating too hard on whatever he was painting on the floor to really pay attention to what the boy was saying.

 

“Well, he's finally lost it.” Stan said flatly.

 

“Like he didn't lose it forever ago?” Wendy asked.

 

“I'm perfectly sane.” Ford corrected. “And this  _ is _ how we'll beat him.” He gestured to the finished image: a circle of ten symbols surrounding a simple sketch of Bill Cipher.

 

“With the world's most confusing game of hopscotch?” Pacifica asked incredulously.

 

“No… although it  _ would  _ make a pretty fun game of hopscotch.” Ford admitted. “This is what I found painted on the cave wall. Some of the symbols I recognized then, some of them I only recognize now, but the very first people to settle in Gravity Falls, long before any European immigrants, prophesied that these symbols together could generate a force powerful enough to defeat Bill and reverse his weirdnesses. Until now, I thought it was just superstition, but now that I see the ten symbols here in real life, I know that can't be a coincidence.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dipper asked, “You had this drawn in the Journals and it didn't do anything. Bill still destroyed them!”

 

Ford smiled and shook his head. “The symbols themselves aren't what's special. They represent people! Dipper: the pine tree. Mabel: the shooting star.”

 

Dipper's eyes widened as he stood on the corresponding symbol.

 

“Oh my gosh!” Mabel gasped reverently as she took her place.

 

“A question mark! This one's unsolvable!” Soos observed, completely forgetting the coin block on the Mario shirt he was wearing.

 

“And I knew I'd seen that broken heart on your hoodie somewhere before!” Ford said to Robbie.

 

“Dang man, you've been wearing that thing since the fourth grade!” Wendy pushed her friend forward.

 

“Whoa, destiny hoodie!” The teen said in awe.

 

“As well as the star from the Tent-o-Telepathy.” Ford pointed to Gideon, who was standing at the back of the crowd.

 

“Oooh, don't mind if I do!” The boy took his spot next to Mabel.

 

“Don't make a big deal about this.” Mabel warned him.

 

“O-of course not!” Gideon flushed, then chanted under his breath, “Be a person worthy of loving, be a person worthy of loving…”

 

“And Pacifica: the llama.” Ford pointed to her.

 

“... This is freaky.” The spoiled girl muttered as she looked between the sweater Mabel had lent her and the symbol on the floor.

 

“Ok, so some of the symbols are really obvious. But what about the ice? Or the glasses?” Dipper asked.

 

“They're not all litteral.” Ford explained, “The ice should be someone who's cool under pressure.” The two of them looked over at Wendy. They couldn't think of anyone else in the crowd who fit the criteria, and come to think of it, hadn't Dipped spilt bag after bag of ice around Wendy all summer?

 

“And the glasses should be someone wise and scholarly.”

 

McGucket smiled sheepishly and stepped forward. “I dunno 'bout  _ wise _ …”

 

“And Stanley, you're the fish.. thing. Whatever that thing on the end of your staff is.”

 

“You gotta be kidding me!” Stan rolled his eyes. “You realize this is a buncha hogwash, right? You really think a bunch of randos standin’ in a circle an’ singin’ kumbaya is gonna stop that monster!?”

 

“It's a mystical human energy circuit!” Ford defended.

 

“You said  _ you _ thought it was  _ superstition _ until you saw all these people together!” Stan retorted. “This isn't what you were talkin’ about before, is it?”

 

“...No.” Ford admitted, “But that doesn't matter now, _this_ _will_ _work_!”

 

“How do you know? Just 'cuz some dead guys drew it on a wall!?”

 

“ _ Come on  _ Stan! I gave  _ your _ idea with the quantum destabilizer a chance, the least you can do is give this a shot!” Ford yelled indignantly.

 

“Don't yell at me!” Stan yelled back.

 

“Come on!” Wendy groaned.

 

“Dang it, old men, now's not the time!” Gideon exclaimed.

 

“Alright,  _ fine _ !” Stan relented and joined the circle. “I'm not the enemy here, people!”

 

“Everyone else get out of here, this may be dangerous…. Now all of you hold hands!” Ford commanded.

 

“Oh gee, I'd love to.” Stan said sarcastically, “Except there's the little problem of  _ I haven't got one!” _

 

Ford gritted his teeth. “You know what I meant! Just  give me your arm… stump… whatever you call it.”

 

“ _ I wouldn't have it if you hadn't abandoned me, you big jerk! _ ” Stan turned on him.

 

“ _ Really!? Now  _ of all times you bring that up!?  _ Why do you always have to make everything more difficult than it has to be!? Why can't you ever just do as you're told!? _ ”

 

“ _ What makes you think you can tell me what to do!? _ ”

 

The elder twins’ argument just devolved into fistfighting from there. Everyone watched in slack-jawed horror. Everyone except Mabel and Dipper, that is, who were desperately trying to pull their Grunkle apart. But it was too late.

 

“OH NO, IT'S BILL! ...THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING, RIGHT?”

 

Bill was back.

 

“HAHAHAHAH! THIS IS JUST TOO GOOD! DON'T YOU BRAINIACS KNOW THE ZODIAC DOESN'T WORK IF ALL OF YOU DON'T HOLD HANDS? THANKS FOR BRINGING EVERY THREAT TO MY POWER INTO ONE EASY-TO-DESTROY PLACE THOUGH!” the demonic triangle snapped his fingers and the painting on the ground burned away, catching a few people on fire in the process. He then reached out and grabbed the elder Pines twins. “YOU GUYS WANNA SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN'T GET ALONG?”

 

“Oh no!” Dipper cried.

 

“You give them back!” McGucket demanded.

 

“You've gone too far, Cipher!” Gideon shouted.

 

“Yeah, we're not scared of you!” Wendy growled, raising her ax threateningly. 

 

“OH… BUT  **YOU SHOULD BE** .” the triangle grew another arm and snapped his finger. Dipper and Mabel watched in horror as everyone around them floated up into the air and was turned into a tapestry, each one depicting its victim in the middle of a wide-eyed scream. “LOOKS LIKE IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOUR FRIENDS, STANFORD, BUT YOU CAN STILL SAVE YOUR FAMILY!” A glowing blue cage rose up out of the ground, trapping the kids. “LAST CHANCE: TELL ME HOW TO TAKE WEIRDMAGEDDON GLOBAL AND I'LL SPARE THE KIDS.”

 

“No, don't do it!” Dipper cried from inside the pyramidal cage.

 

“Yeah, Bill makes bad deals!” Mabel agreed.

 

Bill leered down at her. “DON'T YOU TOY WITH _ME_ SHOOTING STAR! I **SEE** **EVERYTH** \--” 

 

Mabel grabbed Robbie's spray paint and sprayed him in his giant eye.

 

“ **AUGH! NOT AGAIN! WHY THE EYE!? EVERY TIME!** ”

 

“I  _ know _ that hurts, because I've done it to myself!” Mabel crowed.

 

Dipper quickly pulled out the flashlight with the size-changing crystal attached to the top and grew the cage until they could squeeze between the bars.

 

“We'll distract him, you guys run for it!” The boy cried to his Grunkles.

 

“What!? That's a suicide mission!” Ford protested.

 

“Don't worry! We've beaten him once.” Dipper reassured them.

 

“And we'll do it again!” Mabel finished. “Hey, you pointy jerk, come and get us!”

 

Bill finally got the paint out of his eye. He growled and chased after the kids. Stan and Ford were about to run after them too, but a blue wall of contorted bars blocked their path.

 

“NOT SO FAST! YOU TWO STAY HERE. I'VE GOT SOME CHILDREN I NEED TO TURN INTO CORPSES.”

 

The brothers found themselves in a cage identical to the one the kids had just been in. Only they had no means of escape. All they could do was bang on the bars and yell after them to stop. But their pleas fell on deaf ears.

 

“I can't believe this!” Stan sunk to the ground. “The kids are gonna die, and it's all my fault! All because I wouldn't just link arms with you!”

 

“Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill on the first place.” Ford said sadly. 

 

“Yeah, but I'm the one who got you captured.” Stan lamented, “Dipper went back an’ tried to help you, but I… I just ran. Ugh, dad was right about me, I'm a screw-up.”

 

“No.” Ford knelt down next to his brother. “That's not true.  _ You _ never made a deal with Bill, not in all those years he tried to convince you. If anybody's a screw-up, it's me. If I didn't drive away everyone close to me, things would have been solved years ago. I'm sorry I always made you second priority.”

 

Stan barked a sound halfway between a chuckle and a sob. “How'd things get so messed up between us?”

 

“We used to be like Dipper and Mabel.” Ford smiled fondly. “The world's about to end, and they still work together.”

 

“They're working together  _ because  _ the world is ending. That and they're too young to know any better.” Stan observed.

 

Ford shifted and pulled a strange object out of his pocket. It took a second for Stan to recognize it as the memory eraser from his first day back home. 

 

“What're you gonna do with that?” The old con man asked.

 

“ _ This _ is the one last possibility to defeat Bill I was talking about before.” Ford said gravely.

 

Stan's face lit up as he began to realize his brother's plan. “You mean we could just erase him outta your head the second he goes in there!?”

 

“Yes… but there's more to it than that.” 

 

Stan didn't like the look Ford was giving him. He looked like a doctor about to tell their patient they had cancer. “Ok, what's the catch?”

 

“Bill isn't a static memory. He won't just let himself be erased, he'll hide in some remote corner of the mindscape. Unless you were to erase  _ everything. _ ”

 

Stan's expression sobered immediately. That explained why Ford had been so desperate to try anything else to stop Bill.

 

“What!? Are you kidding me!? You're honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?”

 

“Believe me, if there was another way, I'd do it in a second. We're out of options, Stanley! The only alternative would be to actually give myself up to Bill and  _ hope _ he'll let you and the kids go.”

 

Stan snorted. “Like he'd make good on  _ that _ deal.”

 

“Exactly.” Ford agreed. “So, we agree on what needs to be done?”

 

Stan's reply was to wrap his arms around his brother and bury his face into his shoulder. “You and your  _ snarfin  _ hero complex!  _ D’Arvit _ Ford, I don't wanna lose you again!”

 

“... Neither do I.” Ford returned the hug. “Don't think of it as losing me. I'll still be around. I'll still be me. I just won't…”

 

“Won't remember anything about me. Or anyone. Or anything.” Stan finished.

 

“Y-you might be able to remind me.” Ford encouraged him, “Fiddleford has been regaining his memories after they were erased.”

 

Stan sniffed inelegantly, failing to hide his crying, but he nodded.

 

They didn't have long to recompose themselves before they heard the kids’ screams, signalling Bill's return.

 

“ALRIGHT FORDSY, I'M BACK, AND I'VE GOT THE KIDS! MAYBE I'LL KILL ONE OF 'EM, JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT. EENY MEENY MINEY--”

 

“Stop!” Ford cried. “I'll tell you! Just let the kids and my brother go, please!”

 

“THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.” Bill said smugly.

 

The cage holding them dissolved away and a glowing red arm shot out of the ground, wrapping itself tight around Stan.

 

“No, Grunkle Ford, don't trust him!” Dipper pleaded.

 

“It's the only way.” Ford smiled sadly. “I-I love you all. Always remember that.”

 

“CUT THE SAP, SIXER. DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT?”

 

Ford's only response was to extend his hand. Bill grabbed it, and blue flames enshrouded them both. Bill's physical form turned to stone as his mental projection jumped straight into the old scientist's head.

 

* * *

  
  


“FINALLY!” Bill crowed when he found himself in Stanford’s mindscape. The mental manifestation of the old man was standing there coldly. The light was reflecting off his glasses, making it impossible to see his eyes. Which didn't make sense because there  _ wasn't  _ actually any light. Which meant Ford was looking like that on purpose. The  _ drama queen _ . “I TOLD YOU I'D FIND YOUR WEAKNESS!”

 

Ford did his best to ignore the mocking. He held up a book that looked just like one of the Journals. “Here it is, Bill, everything I know about weirdness magnetism.”

 

“AHAHAHAHAH, FINALLY!” Bill chortled, taking the book eagerly. “YES! NOW I CAN--” the book abruptly caught fire. “WHOAH- HEY!” The triangle could only watch as blue flames rapidly ate away every last page. “ **WHAT DID YOU** \--!?”

 

“It's gone.” Ford said evenly, a cruel grin spreading across his face. The light reflecting off his glasses disappeared, revealing a triumphant glare. “It's all gone!”

 

“YOU IDIOT, DO YOU HAVE ANY  _ IDEA _ WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?” Bill steamed, “ **I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS** !!”

 

“On the contrary, Bill,” The scientist said calmly as the entire mindscape around them went up in blue flames, “ _ You're _ the one who's  _ finally going to pay. _ ”

 

Bill's eye grew wide as he realized the extent of what was happening.

 

“GRAH! THE DEAL’S OFF!” He growled, but as he tried to wave his arm and create an exit, nothing happened. If anything the flames rose higher. “WHAT THE-- NO! NO NO NO NO!

 

“YOU  **FOOL** !” Bill raged, “”YOU'LL DESTROY YOUR OWN MIND TOO!”

 

“ _ Gladly _ .” Ford said emphatically. “If it means you'll never do to another living thing what you did to me.”

 

“YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE, STANFORD!” Bill said desperately, “I-I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! MONEY, FAME, RICHES, INFINITE POWER,  _ YOUR OWN GALAXY! JUST--PLEASE!” _

 

“Whatever I want?” Ford echoed fiercely. “What I  _ want _ is to watch you burn to nothing!” He finally lost his cool and roughly grabbed Bill by his stupid bowtie. “You pretended to be my friend, only to use me and manipulate me!” He wound up and punched the triangle. “You got me to drive my only true friend away!” Another punch. “You took control of my body and used it as a play thing!” And another. “You blackmailed me!” And again. “You tortured me!” Another. “And even worse than what you did to me, you messed with my family!” He wound up one more time and punched Bill right in the eye, harder than he'd ever punched anything before. The demonic triangle gave one last strangled cry in a language Ford didn't recognize, and shattered into a million pieces.

 

“...It is done.” Stanford said with finality. But… it didn't feel right. He'd been fantasizing about defeating Bill for years now, and he'd finally done it! He was the hero! He'd killed the demon, been able to beat him down with his own hands, and yet… this victory felt hollow. Was it because he was losing his own mind in the process? No… he'd always been prepared to sacrifice himself in order to pay for his mistakes.

 

As everything burned blue around him, the last thing he found left was a familiar tattered photo of two boys standing proudly atop a rotting shipwreck. Ford realized he didn't regret what  _ he _ was losing, but what his  _ family  _ would be losing. And even more, what he never was for them.

 

“I'm sorry.” He murmured as the flames licked at his feet.

* * *

  
  


Stanley found his brother kneeling in a clearing in the woods not long after all of Bill's Weirdmageddon crap cleared up. Ford was still completely out of it. His eyes were unfocused and his mouth hung open. 

 

“Grunkle Ford that was amazing!” Dipper exclaimed, running up and hugging him. Ford jumped at the contact, surprised and maybe even a little uncomfortable with the boy in his personal space.

 

“Uh, sorry, are you talking to me?” The old man asked in confusion.

 

The boy's face fell as he pieced together what happened. “You… you don't remember me…”

 

“No. Should I?”

 

“Yes!” Mabel cried, “We're your family!”

 

Ford just looked at them all blankly.

 

“It's ok, kids.” Stan tried to reassure them, “W-we just gotta remind him, y’know?” he sat down in front of his brother and looked him in the eye. “I-I’m Stanley. I'm your brother.”

 

Ford was too fascinated with Stan's arm to pay attention to his words. “Your arm, it's metal!” He observed with an eager smile, “that's not normal, is it? What's it made of? How do you get it to move like that?”

 

Stan’s eyes welled up with tears. “C-c’mon, Ford, it's m-me, it's Stan… I'm remindin’ you, j-just like you told me to…  _ please _ Ford, it-it’s  _ me _ , it's Stan!” He finally broke down crying in to his brother's shoulder. “Why d’you always gotta be the hero!? Y-you jerk! W-we never got t-to make thing right.…”

 

Ford looked at the two children for help. “What did I say?”

  
  
  


They brought Ford back to the wrecked remains of his house, picking up Soos and filling him in on what had happened on the way. The young mechanic was devastated, and he joined with the others in trying to jog Stanford’s memory. They had many opportunities to try. It seemed every step along the way Ford had another question.

 

“Did you see that little man in the red hat run into the bushes? What was that?”

 

“It’s a gnome.” Dipper explained patiently, although there was a pained undertone in his voice, “You used to study them.”

 

“Why do they wear those little red hats?” Ford wondered, “Are they hiding something under them?”

 

“I-I don’t know.” Dipper admitted, but it didn’t seem to bother Ford. If anything he seemed more excited, and he made to run off after the gnome.

 

“Wait! Don’t run off without us!” Mabel grabbed his hand.

 

This stopped him, but only because he’d suddenly become more interested in the small hands holding his own. He looked around at everyone and an expression spread across his face like he’d just found the greatest puzzle of all time.

 

“Wait a second, I just noticed something!” He held up Mabel’s hand and compared it to his own. “I’ve got more fingers than all of you! Isn’t that interesting? I wonder why it’s like that?”

 

“You were born that way.” Stan told him.

 

“Yes, but  _ why _ ?” Ford asked again. Nobody had an answer for him, which only served to make him more curious. 

 

Stan heaved a heavy sigh. “C’mon Ford, we gotta get home. We’re all tired, you must be too.”

 

“I’m not tired!” The old man insisted like he was a four-year-old, “I wanna explore!”

 

Stan looked like he was on the verge of losing his composure again, so Mabel stepped in. “Grunkle Ford, if you come home with us, I’ll show you my scrapbook, and we can teach you everything we learned about all the weird things in Gravity Falls this summer.

 

“Really?” Ford asked, like she’d just promised to watch his favorite movie with him. She nodded. “Come on, let’s go!” He pulled her ahead toward the dilapidated house.

 

Dipper had to knock the door in, and despite the building being surprisingly still structurally sound, the place was trashed. Ford didn’t seem to notice; he took the state of the house as normal, and only seemed curious with the books and papers strewn across the floor. Everyone else was in low spirits. For all the questions they were answering and all their attempts to remind Ford of who he was, nothing seemed to be working.

 

“We saved the world, but what’s the point?” Dipper wondered forlornly, “Grunkle Ford’s not himself anymore.”

 

“I don’t get it.” Stan sat down and held his head in his hands, “Before, he said we’d be able to remind him…. Well, he said we  _ might _ be able to remind him. Ugh, I should’ve _ known _ he was just sayin’ that to make me feel better. I should’ve known better than to get my hopes up!” He punched the wall with his mechanical arm and left a sizable hole. 

 

“No!” Mabel said emphatically, “I know my Grunkle is still in there! We can’t give up, guys!” She found her scrapbook lying under the entertainment center, and sat Ford down next to her on the old couch. “This’ll work. This has to work!” She opened up to the first page and showed him a picture of the three of them at the bus-stop, not long after they’d arrived in Gravity Falls.

 

“Here’s a picture of the first day we came to Gravity Falls!” Mabel narrated, “and here’s a macaroni art interpretation of my emotions!” She pointed to a macaroni collage of an unsure smile and a question mark.

 

“What about that time we went to the lake our first weekend here?” Dipper asked as his sister turned the page again and revealed a two-page spread of photos from their picnic. “Or all those times we’ve played Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons together?” He asked on another page.

 

“Uh, these are all very nice photos, but weren’t you going to teach my what you learned about the weird things in Gravity Falls?” Ford asked innocently.

 

“They’re photos of you, Dr. Pines!” Soos cried.

 

“I can see that, but I don’t remember any of this, or any of you!” 

 

That was enough to break Stan down again. The old con man got up abruptly and retreated to the other side of the room.

 

Ford got up and followed him. “What’s wrong? Why do you keep on crying like that?”

 

Stan just shook his head and turned away, unable to speak through his sobbing.

 

“Is it because of me?” Ford asked worriedly, “Is it my fault?”

 

Stan shook his head again, but Ford seemed to know instinctively that he was lying. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure what for, but…” He trailed off and his expression became thoughtful. “I’m sorry…” he repeated softly. He reached out and hugged Stan awkwardly.

 

Waddles entered the room, drawn by the sound of crying. The pig found two sad men standing in the corner, hugging. On of them was the source of the crying. The pig tried to comfort them the only way he knew how: snorting in between their feet.

 

“Waddles, do you mind, we’re having a moment here!” Ford pushed the pig away gently with his foot. 

 

Everyone gasped and stared at the old researcher, a new hopeful glint in their eyes.

 

“W-what? What did I say?” Ford asked nervously, uncomfortable with all the attention.

 

“It’s working!” Dipper said excitedly, “keep reading!”

 

“Skip to my page!” Soos insisted, “He needs to remember being the greatest teacher ever!”

 

“I think you and Wendy are the only two who would ever call me that.” Ford chuckled.

 

And so they continued to look through Mabel’s scrapbook. Every few pages, Ford remembered more and more about being a teacher, a great-uncle, a researcher, and even a brother. Once they finished with the scrapbook, Stanley swept the house and found some ancient film-reels: Home videos from the elder twins’ childhood. Everyone couldn’t believe their luck. Perhaps this story could have a happy ending after all.

 

* * *

  
  


It was one week later, and Stanford Pines felt like a new man. His memories were more-or-less all back now. Sure, he still had some hazy moments when someone would mention something like he was supposed to know what they were talking about, and he’d have to ask for clarification, but the most important things were all back. He knew his family and his best friend and his students and all the strange, wonderful, occasionally annoying people in Gravity Falls. 

 

Of course, with the return of his good memories came the return of the bad. Just last night he’d had another nightmare about Weirdmageddon. But it was easier to shake off these bad dreams now that he knew Bill was well and truly gone. He’d also had a heart-to-heart with Stanley about some of the darker moments in their past, but he felt so much better now that they had.

 

Now it was time for the kids’ birthday party, and pretty much the whole town, human and supernatural, had shown up. Mabel and Dipper were giving some short speeches after blowing out the candles.

 

“Y’know, on my first day here, if you’d asked me what I wanted, I would have said ‘Adventure, mystery, true friends’, but looking out at all of you, I realize that every one of those wishes came true. I’m happy with what I have.”

 

“If I had one wish, it would be to shrink you all down with the shrink-ray and bring you all home with me in my pocket. But since that’s impossible--” She paused and looked up at Ford, “Is that impossible?”

 

He shrugged and made a so-so gesture. It was  _ technically _ possible but really not a good idea. People would probably get squashed or suffocate.

 

“--Since that’s probably impossible, my only wish is for all of you to sign my scrapbook! I’ll never forget you all!” She paused again, pulled out the memory eraser, and smashed it under her foot. Ford couldn’t believe how relieved that made him feel. “ _ Now  _ I’ll never forget you all!”

 

As the kids joked around with Wendy and her friends about technically being teens now, Stan pulled Ford away from the crowd around a corner of the house.

 

“Hey, I wanted to talk to you in private.”

 

“Why, what’s wrong?” Ford asked in concern.

 

“Nothin’, just wanted to let you know I’ve made up my mind.”

 

“About what?”

 

“About leavin’ after the kids head home. I’m probably gonna start packin’ once this party business is over.”

 

“What!?” Ford cried incredulously,

 

“Yeah, see, this I why I wanted to talk to you about it in private.” Stan rolled his eyes.

 

“But… but I thought…” the old researcher stammered, “We’ve been making  _ progress _ Stanley! I truly believed things between us were on the mend!” He sighed heavily and regained his composure, “But… if that’s what you feel is best, I won’t try and force you to stay.”

 

“Uh, thanks…” Stan said awkwardly.

 

“...where will you go?”

 

Stan shrugged. “Thinkin’ about gettin’ a ship, sailin’ in search of treasure.”

 

“Just… just like we always dreamed about. I… I’m happy for you, Stan.” Ford said, sounding the exact opposite of happy.

 

“Y’know…” Stan scratched the back of his head with his good arm and gestured with his mechanical one. “If I’m gonna hit the high seas, I’m gonna need someone who knows how to take care of this robot arm along for the ride. I’m still gettin’ the hang of it.”

 

“Y-you mean… you want me to come!?” Ford asked hopefully.

 

“No I mean McGucket.” Stan said flatly, rolling his eyes again. “Of course I want you to come, genius!”

 

Ford gaped at his brother for a moment before shoving him playfully, “You’re the worst!” 

 

“ _ I’m _ the worst!?  _ You’re _ the worst for making me feel like a  _ rakkpod _ for jokin’ with you! Why d’you gotta be so sincere?”

 

The two brothers re-entered the party, their arms around each other’s shoulder.

 

“If I could have everyone’s attention!” Ford shouted. “I’d like to officially announce my retirement!” He declared once the crowd had died down, “My brother and I have some catching up to do, so we’re leaving on a voyage, and probably won’t be back for quite some time.”

 

“Woohoo!” One of the teens cheered, “No physics class this year!”

 

“B-but what about the repair shop?” Soos stammered. “What about preparing young minds to be the scientists of tomorrow?”

 

“I’m sorry, Soos, but I only ever started teaching and running the repair shop so I would have a steady income while I was working on the portal. Now that Stan and I are together again… I don’t really have any reason to keep it up.” 

 

Soos looked defeated. 

 

“But school starts in two weeks and we’ll need a physics teacher!” A member of the school board complained.

 

Ford looked at Soos knowingly. “I think I know someone who could take my place.”

 

“Wh-me?” Soos asked incredulously. “I haven’t even got my degree yet!”

 

“You should be able to get an emergency teaching licensure.” Ford reasoned. “That’s how _ I _ got hired on full-time.”

 

“But-but you’ve got a doctorate.” Soos protested.

 

“Soos, you’re much better with people, and especially teens, than I ever was. And you know more than enough to teach high school. I think you’re the perfect man for the job.”

 

“We’ll see what the school district has to say about that.” The school board member called from the crowd.

  
  
  


A small group of friends and family gathered at the bus stop the next day in the early afternoon. Mabel and Dipper were all packed up and ready to go. Well, as ready as they’d ever be.

 

“Thanks for wearing my goodbye sweaters.” Mabel complimented her Grunkles. The elder twins were decked out in matching sweaters: Ford’s a deep blue, Stan’s maroon. 

 

“Eh, it’s cold out, I had to.” Stan grunted.

 

“It’s over eighty degrees out here, Stanley.” Ford teased him. Stan responded by elbowing him playfully.

 

Dipper and Wendy said their goodbyes and switched hats just before the bus arrived, the ginger teen slipping him a letter as he walked away.

 

“Looks like we’ve said goodbye to everybody, except…” Mabel looked back at her pig sadly, “Waddles.” She got down on her knees and petted him sadly. “I don’t know how to explain this to you but… Mom and Dad won’t let be bring a pig home to California, so… you have to stay here!”

 

She got up to leave, but the pig playfully nipped at her skirt. The girl tried to push him away, tears streaming down her face.

 

Ford frowned. “Mabel, I think you should take him home with you.”

 

“But--” 

 

“You’re parents will be surprised to find how easy a pet pig is to take care of. Pigs are actually very clean, certainly cleaner than that cat you have, and they don’t need that much space. I’m sure they’d be happy to have another pet! And if not, well, you can tell them it was my idea.”

 

“Are you sure?” Dipper asked warily, “Mom was pretty mad when she found out you’d offered to let us stay here without asking her first.”

 

“I’ll take my chances.” The old man assured them.

 

“Now hold on!” The bus driver protested, “Bringing unauthorized animals aboard a moving vehicle is strictly prohibited!”

 

Ford not so subtly pulled out his crossbow, and Stan charged up the blaster in his arm.

 

“Uh… but this, heh, is obviously a service animal, so it’s ok!” The driver chuckled nervously.

 

The kids gave one last goodbye hug to Stan, and then to Ford.

 

“I hope you know I’m not exaggerating when I say you two have changed my life.” The old researcher said fondly. “I… I don’t know how I could ever thank you enough…”

 

“We love you too, Grunkle Ford.” Mabel sniffed back a few tears.

 

Finally, they’d run out of ways to stall. It was time for the kids to get on that bus.

 

“Ready to head into the unknown?” Dipper asked.

 

“Nope.” Mabel said honestly. “Let’s do it anyway!”

 

Ford and the others ran along the road, waving goodbye until the bus rounded the corner and drove out of sight. The old researcher felt like a piece of his heart was leaving with them. It must have shown on his face, because just a second later, he felt Stan patting him on the shoulder.

 

“Yeah, I’m gonna miss ‘em too.” the old con man said sincerely, “But hey, it’s not like we’re never gonna see ‘em again, right?”

 

Ford smiled. This pain in his heart was nothing compared to the joy of having his brother back. “You’re right.”

 

“Heh, somebody stop the presses.” Stan chuckled. “Now come on Sixer, we’ve got an adventure of our own to start!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the last chapter! Special thanks to @digikate813 and @eregyrn-falls for consistently reading and reblogging, along with anyone else who ever reblogged this story, it’s because of you that this story has spread. Thanks to @blaiddraws and @hntrgurl13 for drawing fanart (even if I did commission hntrgurl13, still grateful) and of course thanks to @busket because even if our AUs were developed independently, I still took a lot of inspiration from them and their way awesome art.
> 
> Speaking of which, this chapter draws a lot of inspiration from these posts.  
> https://orangeoctopi7.tumblr.com/post/140128759540/completely-ignoring-the-metal-plate-in-his-head  
> http://busket.tumblr.com/post/145569114883/questions-prompty-ideas-i-have-to-wonder-would


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